Close to SO vs. Close to family

[howlol]

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I’m not sure if this will be allowed on this forum, but I’m just seeking advice on this specific factor. I have a feeling that on April 29th I will be stuck deciding between two T10 schools that I have very good financial aid offers from. One would be close to my SO (been together about 4 years, almost all of my undergrad) and one would be close to my family (was relatively far from home for undergrad).

While there are other factors I’m considering, I think this one might play a bigger role than I initially thought. While we aren’t engaged, my SO and I are very happy together and it would be hard to be away from them bc I see a future with them. But as they say, love can be fickle and we’re both pretty young so I can’t say for sure what will happen given that we have no formal commitment. At the same time, my parents have hinted that it would be nice to have me close to home and I’d say having that for-sure support and being back in a more familiar/comfortable environment would be nice. If all other things end up being equal, which might you end up choosing? This might be a post for a relationship forum but I figured it’s worth a shot lol

 

[lalalallala]

Would SO be able to move near you at some point during the 4 years?

Do you really like the two schools equally?

I think it can be a dangerous move to pick your SO because you never know how that will turn out exactly, but that being said if you see this SO being your future spouse then picking the school near them could be a great move for your happiness. I would have a honest conversation with the SO about where they see things going.

 

[Phoebus Apollo]

Wow. Snaps to this. I’m in a really similar position. Interested in what others have to say.

 

[deleted967981]

Does your SO understand how time consuming medical school is going to be, and how little free time you’ll have? Does your family? Which of the two will give you less grief and more support when you’re on your 6th consecutive night in studying instead of socializing? Is the cost of living different in the two areas? Cost of attendance at the schools significantly different?

I also second the recommendation to have “the talk” with your SO about where you both see the relationship heading.

 

[puahate]

Being near your SO can help you release your..."built up stress". I think that is priceless

 

[deleted966008]

I’m not sure if this will be allowed on this forum, but I’m just seeking advice on this specific factor. I have a feeling that on April 29th I will be stuck deciding between two T10 schools that I have very good financial aid offers from. One would be close to my SO (been together about 4 years, almost all of my undergrad) and one would be close to my family (was relatively far from home for undergrad).

While there are other factors I’m considering, I think this one might play a bigger role than I initially thought. While we aren’t engaged, my SO and I are very happy together and it would be hard to be away from them bc I see a future with them. But as they say, love can be fickle and we’re both pretty young so I can’t say for sure what will happen given that we have no formal commitment. At the same time, my parents have hinted that it would be nice to have me close to home and I’d say having that for-sure support and being back in a more familiar/comfortable environment would be nice. If all other things end up being equal, which might you end up choosing? This might be a post for a relationship forum but I figured it’s worth a shot lol

It seems like both moves have their advantages and disadvantages in terms of comfort, so I would call them equal in that regard and simply pick the school where you will fare best as a student. Your family and/or SO will understand that this is a career decision, and as the above poster said, perhaps your SO can move if you end up choosing the school by family. Congrats and good luck!

Edit: just realized you said you liked the schools equally. In that case, stay close to your SO if they are unable to make the move to the other school.

 

[DNC127]

Family. You will most likely break up with SO. Unless you guys are married or have kids, do not choose SO over family ever (unless your family is unsupportive / you don't have a good relationship).

 

[DokterMom]

First off, with two Top 10 offers from schools you like with very good financial aid -- congratulations! There simply is no bad choice here. So let that take some pressure off.

Best case, both your family and SO offer significant emotional and logistical support, so again, no real difference and no bad choice. Worst case, your family goes 'drama' or critical on you and your life choices. How likely is that? And how debilitating would that be for you? Now how about your SO? Worst case, they get needy or jealous that your time and attention goes elsewhere and break up with you or cheat on you - of course, at the worst possible time. Or SO takes some other job in some other far away city. Again, how likely and how debilitating?

If that doesn't clarify things in your mind -- or if it does and you're leaning towards being close to SO -- then it's time for The Talk. It's not like you're pushing to get engaged, just to clarify whether your relationship is weighty enough to legitimately factor into major life decisions. That's a very fair and necessary question, and if it freaks them out, that's information you need to know.

 

[siliso]

You’ve been together 4 years and aren’t engaged or married and aren’t sure where you see this relationship going in future...after 4 years what more information do you think you need to decide? **** or get off the pot is my advice. If you’re going to be married then prioritize your spouse always. Otherwise, family. That’s really the same answer, family first.

 

[howlol]

Would SO be able to move near you at some point during the 4 years?

Do you really like the two schools equally?

I think it can be a dangerous move to pick your SO because you never know how that will turn out exactly, but that being said if you see this SO being your future spouse then picking the school near them could be a great move for your happiness. I would have a honest conversation with the SO about where they see things going.

So the school that is near them is in a city that I could definitely see them moving to. But the other school is in a smaller area further from where they’re from that I think it would be tough to imagine them moving to short of us getting engaged. There are definitely unique pros and cons for each school, but I think they are more or less even save this factor

 

[howlol]

You’ve been together 4 years and aren’t engaged or married and aren’t sure where you see this relationship going in future...after 4 years what more information do you think you need to decide? **** or get off the pot is my advice. If you’re going to be married then prioritize your spouse always. Otherwise, family. That’s really the same answer, family first.

We’re both still in undergrad (turned 21 in the winter) so it’s less because we don’t know how we feel about each other and more not feeling that we should necessarily get married so young. But we definitely need to have a very serious conversation, which is hard for us because we’re generally just “go with the flow” type people

 

[siliso]

Ah well. I was married at 22, 16 years ago. My parents same 42 years ago and my grandparents same 66 years ago. If it’s right it’s right so commit and build your lives together. Your marriage can be the foundation that you both grow into and with. Everything’s better with a spouse that you love and are committed to love no matter what. And that’s my relationship forum worthy advice lol. Best wishes in your decisionmaking.

 

[howlol]

Thank you all for your replies! It’s going to be a tough decision but I’ve realized that I need to press my SO a little more than what I have been to understand where we are. Is there anyone who’s been through and now is on the other side of making a decision like this who could offer their take?

 

[puahate]

Family. You will most likely break up with SO. Unless you guys are married or have kids, do not choose SO over family ever (unless your family is unsupportive / you don't have a good relationship).

Ok but you cant ask your siblings to "release your stress".

 

[DNC127]

Ok but you cant ask your siblings to "release your stress".

I mean you can... its just weird and strongly frowned upon in most circles.

 

[catnip12]

I’m not sure if this will be allowed on this forum, but I’m just seeking advice on this specific factor. I have a feeling that on April 29th I will be stuck deciding between two T10 schools that I have very good financial aid offers from. One would be close to my SO (been together about 4 years, almost all of my undergrad) and one would be close to my family (was relatively far from home for undergrad).

While there are other factors I’m considering, I think this one might play a bigger role than I initially thought. While we aren’t engaged, my SO and I are very happy together and it would be hard to be away from them bc I see a future with them. But as they say, love can be fickle and we’re both pretty young so I can’t say for sure what will happen given that we have no formal commitment. At the same time, my parents have hinted that it would be nice to have me close to home and I’d say having that for-sure support and being back in a more familiar/comfortable environment would be nice. If all other things end up being equal, which might you end up choosing? This might be a post for a relationship forum but I figured it’s worth a shot lol

I think the advice to get married now in order to make the decision easier might be bordering on the extreme (with all due respect to the Doc above).

While thinking about this I’ve distilled it down to the following in my mind:
I take it that you have a great relationship with your family from your want to have them close. The beauty of family is that there is a level of nonjudgment to that relationship which might not be present in a chosen romantic relationship. For example, after a particularly rough day at the Hospital, you might find yourself indirectly projecting your frustrations onto your SO. You might get more irritable from their slights which wouldn’t then be a far leap to thoughts about whether it was worth it to leave your family to be with this person. I think this would be especially so if you choose to live together and it’s your first time doing so. With family, you might still project your frustrations onto them but because you’ve had them around for 21 or so years you’ve probably developed little rituals (if I may call them that) for forgiving one another and so they might understand your frustrations from a more objective? View. Your mother will always be your mother and so she will not think about replacing you after you’ve had a change in attitude.

Or a few more questions would be: Whose the more calming presence would be when you are really overwhelmed? ; How much would you need to go back home (hard to project)? ; How wonderful would it be to be able to go for a walk or a movie, or cook with (or whatever activity) with your SO? How compromising is this SO because they’ll have to do a lot of it as you continue on this journey? Basically I think that you’ll need to have an honest discussion with them as well as an honest reflection on the last 4 years together.

It’s tough to give such generic advice on a difficult decision as whether to pick a SO over family but these are things that might be worth thinking about IMO.

 

[M&L]

maybe another way to look at it: where do you think you want to go for residency and practice - in the area that is closer to family, or closer to the SO? of course from T10 schools you will be competitive anywhere, probably, but there is a definitely advantage in going to school in the same area you want to stay long term - you establish connections.

which school did you like better?

Otherwise, - pick your family. I see my parents for 10 days once a year (immigrant), and trust me, - i would saw off my leg to be with them every day. Do it.

 

[BunsenBeaker]

Either way you choose, do not get married at 21.

I'd also strongly encourage the "how serious are we/where is this going" conversation. If you don't feel comfortable having it, or if your SO is reluctant to talk about it, then maybe you guys aren't as serious as you think.