Commuting for Love?

[neuropower]

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My bf and I have been living together for about a year and a half now and we are SO happy together. we are good to each other and we seem to fall more in love every day. with that said, here's our problem:

he's in school in dc for the next two years and i will probably end up going to med school in baltimore next year.

if living together is so much a part of what makes us happy in our day to day lives, should we suck it up and do the >1 hour commutes to school every day? even if we lived in-between the two cities, traffic is bad enough that the commute would be pretty hellish and probably very stressful from time to time.

part of me wants to just move into a dorm on campus and roll out of bed to classes and just see him on the weekends, but i can't figure out which would be worse, school stress (from being far away) or being without him.

i know this is ultimately a decision he and i will have to make on our own, but i'm curious about how other people feel about their experiences with commuting vs. living apart from their partners.

any advice is appreciated!

 

[evajaclynn]

I used to live in DC - it took about 45 minutes to get up to Baltimore w/o traffic. And, as you know, it is a total nightmare when the traffic is bad.

Right now, I am living with my boyfriend who is in his first year at med school and I commute 45-60 min each way to get to my job. However, you might not have as much free time as I have to manage the commute.

One idea is that you live up in Baltimore, but spend free time together on the weekends or in the evening when you have some. That way, if you are super stressed, you can stay up in Baltimore and study. However, if you have extra time and want to hang out with your bf (or if he has extra time) one of you can stay with the other for a few days.

Plus, can you imagine the stress if you lived with your bf in DC, got stuck in traffic, and were late for an exam?! Aiyiyi! Another reason that I would live up in Baltimore.

I hope it all works out for you! Good luck.

 

[jennie 21]

Depends. Like you say, it's a personal decision. For myself, I can't imagine being very happy in med school if I had to be away from my husband--but then again we're married, so it's somewhat different. Still, even when we were boyfriend/girlfriend and in the process of applying to medical school, we decided we didn't want to be away from each other--and we worked very hard to arrange it so we'd end up in the same city. DC to Baltimore is commutable. You may miss out on some of the social aspects of med school life, but honestly, those tend to die down a bit after first year anyway. If you have a satisfying home life with your boyfriend, I'd tend to lean towards living with him and commuting. When you're in med school, you'll find the support and escape he provides invaluable. Of course, you have to make your own decision based on your own weighing of the factors and what you think is best for you. If I were in your shoes, though, I think I'd live with him and commute. It's worth it to be together.

 

[fourthyearmed]

A 1 hour commute each way is 2 hours less of study time a day which is a great deal while in med school. I only had to drive ~15 minutes across town but on days when traffic was bad and I'd sit there for 45 min. in traffic it was very stressful knowing that I really needed to be using that time to study. So my point is, if you waste 2 hours or more a day driving, it's taking away from your time to be together because you'll have to study when you get home. What does he do? If he can come down to see you every weekend, that might actually be better because you can focus on studying mainly during the week and have more time for fun when he comes on weekends. Another thing to think about is would you be driving or taking public transportation? If you can take a train, you can use that time to study so it wouldn't be wasted as it would with a daily commute by car. And I won't even mention what it will be like to have to drive an hour to get there during 3rd year when you have to round for Surgery at 4:30 am!

 

[Gene Queen]

Not to mention, once you are in 3rd/4th years and doing call, that drive home post-call can be dreadful and even deadly if you didn't get much sleep. 😴
My bf and I are in a similar situation - I'm doing residency 2 hours away from where he lives and works... we've decided to stick out these first 2 years (lots of call) and in my third year I won't have night call anymore, so we will probably live in the middle then.

 

[beriberi]

A couple of thoughts: you said this would be only for the next two years, right?

Well, much less need to worry about the possibly deadly post call drive home...

Can you commute by public transportation? If that is true, that would be a great thing--forced study time twice a day (if you are focused). Many people find that much of 1 and 2 year is superfluous and only attend certain lectures and labs. You may find you only go to campus 2 to 4 days per week.

On the other hand, getting a cheap dorm room and seeing your partner when you have time to spare can work very well, too. I had a LD relationship (5 hour flight away) my first year and it sucked terribly, but it worked. An hour away means you would be seeing each other every night.

In summary: do you need to be at med school every day? (that is as much a personal decision as it is based on the school). do you need to see him every day? can you make your commute productive and not a waste of time?

 

[cgr8979]

My whole opinion on distance is this.

If you guys are meant to be together it will work out. It won't be because you moved closer to him or you didn't live close enough.
I think you need to do what you know you think is best. My bf is a 3rd med student and his first year in school I lived 3 1/2 hrs away. It worked because we both wanted it to, and distance wasn't ever a factor. Just know that if you are able to make it then your relationship will be that much stronger down the road!
Good luck!

 

[neuronerd's]

My girlfriend, neruronerd, and I have been together for over 7 years now. From experience, I think you should do the whole dorm situation. I understand that things are heavenly, and you don't want to risk that, but i would say give it a whirl. One...you'll only be like an hour away, so if things get bad and you NEED to see each other, BAM, right there. Two...if you two have been living together since you've been together, maybe you should both try to give each other a little personal time, not saying ignore each other, or blow each other off, but simply do you own things for the week, two days, a day, whatever. I've learned that EVERYONE needs a little personal space and growth, and i think that it could only help an already HEALTHY relationship. That's my 2cents!

 

[neuropower]

i really appreciate all your replies. i'm actually glad to hear that there's a lot of dissenting opinions because now i feel that i won't be making a *huge* mistake either way, there are obviously plusses and minuses of both situations...i just wanted to make sure that not everyone would be like, live with your boyfriend an hour from campus? No way! you're crazy!
we did start living together during my senior year in college and its true that a year or two on my own could be good for everyone. i'll probably procrastinate this decision until the last possible second, but ultimately i'm sure we can make it work.
any other opinions, suggestions, viewpoints are always welcome...
thanks again