Contemplating divorce

[bananaface]

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Over the past few days, I have arrived at the decision that I am absolutely not interested in staying married. For awhile, I held onto the notion that maybe I would fall back in love, maybe my husband would be more supportive of my school and professional activities, and maybe he would step up and act like a partner in our marriage instead of a child. At this point, I am satisfied that none of these things are going to happen. I know I have to leave him. But, I am not sure how to broach the subject.

We have been married for 2 years and have no children. Before we were married, we dated for a year and a half, then lived together for a year.

Soon, (Sept 30) I will be starting my second year of pharmacy school. We have a house, which I would be glad to sign over to him just to walk out the door. I really don't want anything besides a chance to get on with my life. It would be alot easier on me if I at least got myself into a new living situation before school began.

My husband has known for the past 3 weeks that I am very upset with him. But, I don't think he knows what is really on my mind. Does anyone here have any advice on how I can negotiate my way through this?. I definitely don't want to blindside him or cause him unnecessary hurt by going about the whole thing in a callous manner. At the same time, it has to be done.

-Anna

 

[delchrys]

feelings are GOING to get hurt. the fact that you are asking how to do this without hurting him too much is good, though, since it implies that you are not looking to make him suffer.

i would recommend going to a family law attorney, and tell them what you want--advice on how to dissolve your marriage without being an assh*le and without worrying much about getting back a bunch of expensive assets. the initial consultation should be free, and that time will give you a good read of the attorney--do you mesh well or do you get a bad vibe. if you get a bad vibe, tell them that you are going to go elsewhere, do them the favor of telling them why, and move on to the next.

having a good divorce attorney sitting there to advise you on the basics can (a) really protect you from getting screwed down the road, and (b) having the att'y around does NOT mean that you are going to do things in an impersonal way. choose the right attorney and they should be able to present you with a list of options and their consequences at each juncture and let YOU decide.

i don't envy you. i've been there, and the tally of my best friends who've gone this route is now up to three.

 

[thewebthsp]

what no counseling? If you won't even contemplate it....grrr.....

I feel sorry for your husband if you're l;eaving him without even a decent attempt at saving your marriage...

If I'm wrong, please correct me.

 

[Fermata]

I really think you need to try to work this out.

Just mentioning to him about the possibility of you wanting to get out of the marriage should let him know that you are serious.

All marriages are full of bad times and good times.

Also, how you love someone will continue to change. That's just how love is.

I really think you need to sit down with him and talk about it. Just deciding to leave without discussing it with him is also not cool.

No matter what I wish you the best. This isn't an easy thing to deal with.

 

[thackl]

First a counselor, then a mediator, then a lawyer...... in that order. Counseling has saved my marriage 3 times (at least). Running straight to a lawyer when you are mad shows immaturity, irresponsibility and that you don't take the institution seriously. The exceptions would be cheating, abuse and/or refusal to get help for dependency. At least you don't have kids yet. Based on that alone, an honest counselor may suggest you go sepparate ways. Good luck working this out.

 

[pathdr2b]

First a counselor, then a mediator, then a lawyer...... in that order. Counseling has saved my marriage 3 times (at least). Running straight to a lawyer when you are mad shows immaturity, irresponsibility and that you don't take the institution seriously. The exceptions would be cheating, abuse and/or refusal to get help for dependency. At least you don't have kids yet. Based on that alone, an honest counselor may suggest you go sepparate ways. Good luck working this out.

As a divorce', I have to give this post a HUGE thumbs up! 👍

 

[Caverject]

Sorry to hear bananaface.....I agree with thackl, but I would talk to him first about how serious you are. Some guys don't know how serious things are until you tell them explicitly. (as with anything 🙂)

 

[no-see-um]

I wonder if this is Cerb's wife...

 

[Energon]

I am really sorry to hear about your situation banana. I am a single 24yr old who has never been married... so you may take whatever I say with a grain of salt.

However, 3 things you said really came to my attention:
1. You have only been married for 2 years
2. You are entering your second year of Pharm school

You marriage is still very new and you are still trying to get a handle on proffessional school... these two make a very hard combo. You have to understand that there are many factors at play here which are beyond your control.
3. Your husband knows you are mad at him but he is not really aware of what you are thinking:
There is a small possibility that this has been happening for a while. Make sure that all lines of communication are open.

Like most other posters have advised you, go through all the steps of counselling, improving communications etc etc. Once you approach the end of your educational period (as I almost am) you will suddenly realize that there is a whole life beyond school, studying, residencies, fellowships, class rank and torrid competition. Ensuring a good personal life for your future is one of the best gifts you can give yourself. True, that a bad marriage is not the best way to go, however, jumping the gun on divorce due to misunderstandings/miscommunications is even worse.

Best of luck.

 

[Cuteasaurus]

Boys can be a little oblivious. If you need him to step up a little bit and "be a partner" then you need to tell him so, or at least start discussing what you both want in order to revamp the arrangement. People fall into patterns and what worked for you guys while you're not in school may not work now.
Obviously we don't understand all the complexities of what's going on in your relationship, but I suggest you at least give yourselves a chance to fix your relationship. I think you owe yourself the opportunity to work it out and end up with a more supportive partner as you continue on with school.

 

[evines]

Wow. I agree about the counseling thing 100%. Your husband sounds like a fairly typical guy (unfortunately). And you being "absolutely not interested" in staying married doesn't sound like a good reason to break your vows.
All marriages go through growing pains. I think you need to give it another chance.

 

[Febrifuge]

First a counselor, then a mediator, then a lawyer...... in that order. Counseling has saved my marriage 3 times (at least). Running straight to a lawyer when you are mad shows immaturity, irresponsibility and that you don't take the institution seriously. The exceptions would be cheating, abuse and/or refusal to get help for dependency. At least you don't have kids yet. Based on that alone, an honest counselor may suggest you go sepparate ways. Good luck working this out.

As a divorce', a guy who dated an MSIII-MSIV for nearly a year, and now as a pre-med with an SO who has to deal with me as a health sciences student... I also give this post a big ol' thumbs-up! 👍

 

[WillowRose]

At the point of my 2-yr anniversary, I was ready to walk out on my husband and never look back. I was fed up with him and all the crap that people brush off as "just being a man."

As hard as it was, I sat down and really started to talk to my husband. He realized where he was not living up to his end of the "bargain" of marriage and I realized where I needed to work. It was SOOOOO hard! We didn't see a counselor, though I did find a few resources on the internet that I used to open up the lines of communication. It took a long time to really work through our issues, but now I believe our marriage is stronger than ever. We just had our 7th anniversary in May.

Just a few observations:
1. Two years into a marriage is about the time that the 'newness' wears off and reality sets in. You start to notice that you've made a long-term commitment to someone who can be quite an ass at times. You realize that he's not as mature as he seemed 2 years ago. Why does he always whine when he's sick? Why can't he cut the apron strings? etc etc etc

2. Even though you've been together several years, marriage really *is* different from living with someone. There's something about living together that just isn't fully committed and that always stays in the back of your mind.

3. Stress elsewhere in your life makes every little thing in the marriage seem worse. We were going through problems with infertility and later adopting a baby when we had our worst issues. Now, 7 years into this marriage, I am starting medical school--5 hours away from my family.

4. You need to communicate with your husband. It isn't fair to him (or you) to spend weeks mad at him without any indication of what's wrong. Before you talk to him, sit down and make a mental inventory. What do you want from him? What specifically has you upset? Is this something that he can change? If he could change those behaviors, then do you want to give him the chance to do so? If it's not something that's likely to change (infidelity or abuse), then go to the lawyer.

Marriage is hard work. I grew up with this ideal vision of what it would be like to be a wife and mom. I was in for a rude awakening!! When the thrill of introducing myself as "Mrs" wore off and the sexcapades tapered off, I realized that I was going to have to work to stay with this person. I've also realized that men tend to enjoy being married much more than women do. And I can say with some certainty that if this marriage should ever end, I will not re-marry. BUT, barring any sort of major change in my husband's nature, I also won't divorce him.

Your feelings for your husband will change over time. That doesn't necessarily mean you aren't in love any more. Sounds like it's time for some brutal honesty with yourself and a serious heart-to-heart with your hubby.

Good luck to you. You've got a difficult road ahead no matter what you decide.

Willow

 

[bananaface]

Well, thank you all for your advice. I appreciate that you are trying to save my marriage. But, selfish though it may be, I cannot live my life married to someone that I do not love. I guess that until you feel like a rotten liar every time you say "I love you", you will never quite understand where I am coming from.

I did talk to my husband yesterday about the things on my mind. And, it was not the first, second, or third time I had mentioned most of these things. It was the first time that I told him I didn't think I loved him. And, it was the first time he appeared to seriously understand that major changes lie ahead. Or, at least I thought so, until he started asking me what insurance plan we should opt for next year. So, I decided that unless I actually left the house there was no chance that he would accept that I was leaving. On my way out the door tonight he asked me if I was coming back tomorrow. He had just watched me pack four days worth of clothes in my suitcase, too. So, it has begun.

 

[thewebthsp]

You're either a troll or your husband deserves better. I bet the first.

If the second you've got to realize your arrogance that maybe the things that have made you "lose" your love were not addressed. For you, it's easier just not to deal with those issues, but in the process you destroy someone's soul.

 

[MJTig]

For awhile, I held onto the notion that maybe I would fall back in love, maybe my husband would be more supportive of my school and professional activities, and maybe he would step up and act like a partner in our marriage instead of a child.

To be honest, you are acting like a child, too. Why did you ask for advice if you are determined to just drop it because it doesn't serve only what you want? HOW is he acting like a child? WHAT he is doing or not doing that is making you feel like he doesn't support you? Give us reasons. Sounds as though you didn't give him reasons either as this is the first time you talked about it. And you only said you didn't love him anymore, not about what needs to be changed (on BOTH sides btw)? Have you done this drama before and thats why he isn't believing you?

When I first read this I gave you the benefit of the doubt that things were going really badly, you had tried to talk to him about it and wasn't getting any support. But now I am getting the impression that it just isn't serving your needs and you don't want to solve it or compromise; you just want to leave and find another infatuation. Sounds like someone didn't take their vows seriously and the second that it looks like it isn't fun or new or exciting they want to take off. As said above, marriage isn't a playground. Deal with it.

I say go ahead. Leave. Let your husband find someone who is interested in the long haul and the work of marriage, or at least one willing to talk about it. Then grow up a bit before you get into another marriage. Because no matter how many people you are with, once it gets hard and not as fun - you'll keep leaving.

If I am wrong, prove it. 🙄

 

[MJTig]

If the second you've got to realize your arrogance that maybe the things that have made you "lose" your love were not addressed. For you, it's easier just not to deal with those issues, but in the process you destroy someone's soul.

Amen. Very well said. 👍

 

[relatively prime]

Is this chick for real? Good lord... if she leaves a guy every time she doesn't feel like she loves him, she's going to go through more husbands than J Lo and Cher combined.

There have been many times when I haven't felt like I loved my husband (even disliked him)... but there have been many more times I've felt priveledged to just hold his hand. You just gotta ride the waves. And when you feel like your ship is about to tip, you go to counselors or family members for help. duh!!

 

[doglover]

There have been many times when I haven't felt like I loved my husband (even disliked him)... but there have been many more times I've felt priveledged to just hold his hand. You just gotta ride the waves. And when you feel like your ship is about to tip, you go to counselors or family members for help. duh!!

👍

From reading some of the OP's other (unrelated) posts I don't think she was looking for help so much as validation of a decision already made. I want to know - did she feel like a liar saying she loved him before the wedding?

 

[MJTig]

👍

From reading some of the OP's other (unrelated) posts I don't think she was looking for help so much as validation of a decision already made. I want to know - did she feel like a liar saying she loved him before the wedding?

thats what I was wondering... unless the thought of attention and a sparkly ring distracted her from how she actually felt.

 

[bananaface]

I'm not a troll. Perhaps my husband does deserve better. In that case I would be doing him right by leaving.

If you read the original post, you will see that I never asked anyone to solve my problems. I asked if anyone else had any ideas on how to do this in the least hurtful manner. It is a given that there will be hurt. But, I am trying not to twist the proverbial knife here.

I don't really understand the underlying assumption that the only reason to end a marriage is if their spouse is beating them, cheating on them, etc. I want to have kids someday. And, I don't want to have them with him. I figured that out about 3 months ago after a pregnancy scare. That's probably where the breaking point came.

In retrospect, I am not really sure if I was in love to start with. We started dating about 3 months after my dad died and 4 months after my best friend died. Then, as I got through the grieving process, I went through periods of doubt where I felt like I should end the relationship. But, I always told myself that I was just being stupid. And, over time I just went on autopilot. By the time we got married I knew it didn't feel right, but I went ahead with it anyway. It was stupid and I make no excuses for that. And, I gave two years hoping that it would change from feeling wrong to feeling right. But, continuing on in this marriage is not going to erase my mistake it or make retrobution. I really don't see another "right" path besides ending it.

Just to clarify, I have never pulled any "drama" before, I have talked over anything that bothers me as it comes up so long as it is something he has control over, and there is no cheating involved.

 

[bananaface]

I want to know - did she feel like a liar saying she loved him before the wedding?

More like hopeful (now gone) because if I said it enough it would have to somehow come true.

 

[evines]

COUNSELING!!!!!




I think this is why people are disturbed by your posts. You are giving no sign that you want to make this work.
Love isn't something you "feel" or something you "fall into." (If you can "fall" in love, you can "fall" back out of love) Love is a decision involving commitment, of which you apparently have none. Is it possible that ALL of us are wrong about the counseling thing? I guess so, but not probable.

And the "right" path that you cannot see, by your own admission, is counseling. Give it a chance before you give up.

 

[LukeWhite]

There is a lot of unnecessary nastiness. Right or wrong, no one divorces because it's fun; it would be gratifying to see a little more compassionate disagreement.

With that said, OP, perhaps you're going about things the wrong way if you're trying to spare as much pain as possible (both for yourself and your husband). Not to sound preachy, but avoidance of pain isn't a good measuring-stick for whether something is worth doing. There are plenty worthwhile things (like going through med school, for example) which are pretty painful indeed.

Perhaps you should tell everything you've been telling us to your husband. Obviously it will cause a lot of hurt, but no less hurt than if you quietly stew here and then spring it on him all at once. Giving him the chance to respond and adjust might be more painful to you both in the short term, but will spare pain down the road, and much more importantly, is the right thing to do.

Best of luck.

 

[doglover]

If you read the original post, you will see that I never asked anyone to solve my problems. I asked if anyone else had any ideas on how to do this in the least hurtful manner. It is a given that there will be hurt. But, I am trying not to twist the proverbial knife here.

So, you asked for help to solve your problems. If you are mature enough to get yourself married then be mature enough to figure out how to leave your husband in the least hurtful way without putting yourself out there on a forum such as this. Since you made your bed by deciding to get a divorce then lie in it; there is no "least hurtful manner."

I don't really understand the underlying assumption that the only reason to end a marriage is if their spouse is beating them, cheating on them, etc. I want to have kids someday. And, I don't want to have them with him. I figured that out about 3 months ago after a pregnancy scare. That's probably where the breaking point came.

I'm all for being happy, however it is this exact attitude that has eroded the institution of marriage in the first place. Deciding you don't want to have kids with someone usually happens before the wedding, not a year and a half in.

More like hopeful (now gone) because if I said it enough it would have to somehow come true.

Getting married is not something to be taken lightly, apparently you weren't mature enough to be married if you thought you could hope yourself into loving this man. But golly gee whiz, maybe if I hope it enough a money tree will grow in my backyard, or my school will just decide to give me a degree.

I guess perhaps my biggest problem isn't people in your situation deciding to get divorced, because if you truly don't love this man and the sight of him revolts you then by all means don't live the rest of your life being miserable. It's the fact that you entered into this marriage knowing you didn't feel right about it and for whatever reasons decided to do it anyway. Marriage is not something to decide on a whim with a get out of jail free card if you need it. Well, for some of us anyway.

 

[doglover]

Perfect people, perfect lives, perfect marraige. Someone please pass me a trash can so I can throw up! 🙄

*passes trash can*

Sorry you can't be as perfect as me 😉 😀

J/k - However, this is a pet peeve of mine and I have seen this exact scenario too many times to count, and sometimes my hot head gets the best of me.

 

[thewebthsp]

I don't want to drone on and on about this...

first-- you have the freedom to do whatever you want OP. If you wanted to cheat and have someone else's baby while in your marriage you can. It's not illegal.

HOWEVER -- many actions like the above, including divorcing without a good faith effort in trying to save a marriage (like counseling) severely hurt another person. You've made almost the ultimate selfish decision, (short of abandonment of one's children) in leaving your husband without any attempt at reconciliation.

The truth of this, is indeed, you don't want him fathering your children. Why did you marry him? Why don't you want him to father your children? It's hard to say which is worse -- divorcing for better "father" genes or using an alternate cryptic father in your own marriage.

There is NO excuse for your actions or decisions. You deserve no sympathy at all for the divorce, because you show a complete ignorance for your husband's well-being. You insult us (including me!) when you ask us to give you help "making things less hurtful." I don't want your actions to be propagated by my words. Unless you attempt serious psychological help in understanding the patholgies behind your relationships, you will REPEAT the same mistakes (as said by previous posters), and will likely have children involved later. This is my last post. C'est la vie.

*EDIT* 9/10/04
It seems to me that the OP has some legitimate issues with compatibility. Give your marriage a shot. You both need to compromise to make it work. COMMUNICATE if something annoys you. If all your good faith compromise and counseling efforts fail, that is different, and although an unfortunate situation leading to a divorce, it is blameless.

 

[relatively prime]

I think the hostility here is coming from a lack of understanding of the OPs whole story. She just hasn't told us enough really.

However, knowing how much weddings can cost and how this guy doesn't seem to be doing anything "wrong"... it seems kinda a shame that the OP won't at least get some counseling first.

 

[relatively prime]

What I can't get over is how little people seem to know their sig. others before they marry them! The OP isn't the only person I've heard say they realized they didn't want to have kids with someone AFTER they were married. I mean, isn't that something people should be thinking about long before they get married? even before an engagement? I mean, come on...

I'm starting to think it should be harder to get married. I think that maybe before people are even legally allowed to get married they should have to demonstrate that they know and understand each other and each others goals and life philosophies.

 

[pathdr2b]

I'm starting to think it should be harder to get married. I think that maybe before people are even legally allowed to get married they should have to demonstrate that they know and understand each other and each others goals and life philosophies.

Great point!

Sometimes people that will show you "one side" of thier personality then "presto, chango" become a beast when you marry them. Did any ever think about how this guy may have changed AFTER the marriage? How many people do you know show their "true colors" before marriage? I personally believe you don't really know WHO you're dealing with until you get married even if you live together first (which I personally don't condone).

For marriage #2, my fiance' and I are in no rush and may end up having a 2 year engagement. 👍

 

[MJTig]

And, I gave two years hoping that it would change from feeling wrong to feeling right. But, continuing on in this marriage is not going to erase my mistake it or make retrobution. I really don't see another "right" path besides ending it.

Just to clarify, I have never pulled any "drama" before, I have talked over anything that bothers me as it comes up so long as it is something he has control over, and there is no cheating involved.

okay.. I didn't know all of this. People make mistakes and I just hope, as you say, that you have been talking this through- even with the goal of ending it. By no means force it 🙂

Best of luck.

 

[bananaface]

I think I will end up sitting down with my husband in the next few days and telling him alot of the things touched on in this thread. I do not know how quickly I would have characterized the relevant issues without this discussion. Now that I am out of the house, I also feel alot more able to relax and explore my thoughts as they come. Before, I was preoccupied with apprehension and guilt, which made me stick mentally at a certain point and not get any further. It has been constructive to separate out the real issues from the side issues. I wish there was a way to make this a mutual breakup. I guess I owe it a shot.

 

[WillowRose]

Definitely not seeing the entire story here (obviously we don't know the husband's side).

Pathdr2b: You're absolutely right about not completely knowing a person before you marry them. There's a reason we refer to marriage as an "institution." Even subtle, nagging ideas in the back of your mind can create behavioral changes.

As far as the "perfect people, perfect marriage" comment...well, I kinda see where doglover was coming from with that one. Marriage is damn hard work and if you aren't willing to make the effort....well, why do people marry if they aren't willing to work at it? I wasn't sure I wanted to work at my marriage either, but I took that vow seriously enough to make sure I tried everything before I gave up.

Nobody is saying that beating & cheating are the only legitimate reasons to leave a marriage. We're saying that marriage and divorce are not things that you just wake up one morning and decide to do.

OP says that she doesn't want to have children with her husband. What I wonder is if the *real* reason is that her pregnancy scare has her worried that she won't achieve her professional goals? Or something along those lines... What I guess I'm wondering is: is the problem really with the husband or is it about some insecurity the OP is feeling?

Lest someone says I can't know how it feels...I've been on both ends of this situation. I've told the story about my own marital problems. A few years prior, my fiance "decided" that he just couldn't imagine spending his whole life with me. Naturally, there was more involved than he wanted to tell me. Guess he thought just 'falling out of love' was the least hurtful thing to blame.

Nobody has to live a lie, but enough compassion to make every effort before ripping out the still-beating-heart of another isn't too much to ask........

 

[bananaface]

I am sure that if I chose to I could stay married for the rest of my life. There are some things that make "working on it" seem like a bad idea to me. One of the most blaring things is that I am just not emotionally attached to him. I don't hate him or anything; I'm apathetic. There is definitely truth to the idea that conflict between school and professional activities and the rest of my life plays a major role. My husband has been less than supportive about me spending extra time on campus and for professional activities. When I am working at home, he constantly bugs me about stupid things - as if I want to hear about the free t-shirt that came with his new video card, the cool episode of the Simpsons he is watching, or that our neighbor is putting in a sprinkler system when I am studying for an exam. Then, there is the fact that he wants me to mother him. Even though I have told him that he needs to take care of himself a million times, he still whines at me if he runs out of clean underwear or if I come home at 8pm and he hasn't eaten dinner yet. And, there is the fact that what each of us want out of life is changing. Before we got married we decided that we would live in a non-rural area and n a different city than his parents. Now, he keeps saying that he wants to live out in the boonies in his parent's town. I want to stay open to the possibility of owning an independant pharmacy. My husband keeps coming up with reasons why this is impractical.

I have talked to him about these things (minus the apathy) many times. Sometimes it gets better for awhile, but he eventually falls back into old patterns. When I told him that I was thinking of moving out, he caved and basically told me he would do whatever I wanted just to stay with me. I don't think it is really fair to force someone to change everything about themself just so that you won't leave them. There is just something smackingly manipulative about that. And, even if he did change, I would still have to face the fact that I am apathetic towards him. So, I'm pretty much damned any way I go.

There are a couple of reasons I don't want to have kids with my husband (aside from timing). I feel like I would be mostly doing everything on my own, which is not cool unless you are single. Also, having a child with someone ties you to them more than marriage itself. I don't want to get any more tied in.

 

[JattMed]

Boohoo!
That has gotta suck!
Maybe your husband needs a little more time to mature..........I cant imagine someone being that 'bad'. Is there any other issue at work?
How is your intimacy? Expectations not met?
Do you still find him attractive, physically at least?

Good luck................

 

[pathdr2b]

I am sure that if I chose to I could stay married for the rest of my life. There are some things that make "working on it" seem like a bad idea to me. One of the most blaring things is that I am just not emotionally attached to him. I don't hate him or anything; I'm apathetic. There is definitely truth to the idea that conflict between school and professional activities and the rest of my life plays a major role. My husband has been less than supportive about me spending extra time on campus and for professional activities. When I am working at home, he constantly bugs me about stupid things - as if I want to hear about the free t-shirt that came with his new video card, the cool episode of the Simpsons he is watching, or that our neighbor is putting in a sprinkler system when I am studying for an exam. Then, there is the fact that he wants me to mother him. Even though I have told him that he needs to take care of himself a million times, he still whines at me if he runs out of clean underwear or if I come home at 8pm and he hasn't eaten dinner yet. And, there is the fact that what each of us want out of life is changing. Before we got married we decided that we would live in a non-rural area and n a different city than his parents. Now, he keeps saying that he wants to live out in the boonies in his parent's town. I want to stay open to the possibility of owning an independant pharmacy. My husband keeps coming up with reasons why this is impractical.

I have talked to him about these things (minus the apathy) many times. Sometimes it gets better for awhile, but he eventually falls back into old patterns. When I told him that I was thinking of moving out, he caved and basically told me he would do whatever I wanted just to stay with me. I don't think it is really fair to force someone to change everything about themself just so that you won't leave them. There is just something smackingly manipulative about that. And, even if he did change, I would still have to face the fact that I am apathetic towards him. So, I'm pretty much damned any way I go.

There are a couple of reasons I don't want to have kids with my husband (aside from timing). I feel like I would be mostly doing everything on my own, which is not cool unless you are single. Also, having a child with someone ties you to them more than marriage itself. I don't want to get any more tied in.

This statement proves to me that you are in fact NOT immature, callous, or a quiter as others have tried to characterize you in this thread. And your points highlight the fact that marriage is ALWAYS different when it's the WOMAN in med school. In my expereince, guys want you to be superwoman when you get married which obviously can't work when you're a med student or you have a demanding career. Having said that, I'm still of the opinion that you should give counseling a try so he can hear how YOU feel from an objective third party.

PS-Thanks for sharing your story. I'm sure we ALL can learn something from your example no matter how "happily" married or committed we claim to be. And I think my engagement just got extended by another year!

 

[evines]

Not immature?
Not callous?
Not a quitter?

Are you kidding me? Did you read the same post that I just did?

Wow. I really have nothing constructive to say that I already haven't. This is pissing me off.

 

[MJTig]

You must be a guy, because ONLY a guy could read her last post and get pissed off about it. What, did her post "hit a nerve" or sound too familiar? I guess you have one of those Tammy Wynette wives! 🙄

exactly LOL!!

Banana, after reading your last post I get a better feeling for the situation and feel for you, and I your sense of apathy may come from feeling as though you are expected to do everything in the relationship while he sits and picks apart your wants to fit his own. Thats why I asked for more background.

I still feel there may be room for at least talking it out so he has an idea, whether it be for future reference "I shouldn't be a tool and expect my wife to do everything or she'll get tired of it, or I should go find Tammy Wynette" ... even if the relationship ends, both should walk away with a better sense of themselves or the whole thing wilil be a complete waste.

 

[vixen]

I agree with others who posted about the counseling....get counseling because if you do get divorced, at least you know you tried...plus you dont want to think "what if" and you'll also know that you didn't just quit when things got rough...

im getting married in may and my FI and I are trying to get as much as advice possible...through our church we are hooked up w/a couple w/whom we meet with ~ month and discuss issues that come up in marriage to get us talking--to see if we're on the same page (kids, finances, sex, sprirituality, in laws, housework, goals etc)...this has helped a lot...maybe your church could help you...or maybe a counselor

also you mentioned how you had some hardships before you two got married....i also have lost close people to me in the past couple of years...months after I thought my FI and I were done for sure cause he pissed me off so much...after awhile I realized maybe its me....I started getting counseling for awhile and found out I'm depressed...after seeking help from counseling, I feel a whole lot better and our relationship is much better to...albeit, he's still annoying sometimes, but hey, no one is perfect...i suggest seeking counseling together and maybe you should go by yourself too....


good luck and seek some help before you make a decision!

 

[relatively prime]

I am sure that if I chose to I could stay married for the rest of my life. There are some things that make "working on it" seem like a bad idea to me. One of the most blaring things is that I am just not emotionally attached to him. I don't hate him or anything; I'm apathetic. There is definitely truth to the idea that conflict between school and professional activities and the rest of my life plays a major role. My husband has been less than supportive about me spending extra time on campus and for professional activities.

...

....

There are a couple of reasons I don't want to have kids with my husband (aside from timing). I feel like I would be mostly doing everything on my own, which is not cool unless you are single. Also, having a child with someone ties you to them more than marriage itself. I don't want to get any more tied in.

It seems like this guy might be just trying to get your attention. As immature as it is, he might be whining about his underwear just to get you to react to him. Because if you're apathetic towards him, he's gotta know... even if he doesn't know. Little kids do this all the time. If they feel ignored, they act in any way (good or bad) to get attention.

I've been guilty of this a few times myself. Sometimes if my husband would be studying 24/7 for too long, I'd start a fight just to get his attention. It's not acceptable behavior, but sometimes we do things like this without even realizing what we are doing.

I don't think asking him to change this behavior would be asking him to change who he is... and even if it were, this would be something he should change either way (with or without you). And maybe if he changed this behavior, you'd start to feel things for him again.

THis is why counseling might help. It might not... but it's worth a try.

 

[WillowRose]

You must be a guy, because ONLY a guy could read her last post and get pissed off about it. What, did her post "hit a nerve" or sound too familiar? I guess you have one of those Tammy Wynette wives!

Guess I better apply for a penis, then. What I got out of that post is that wife is caught up in her own life, husband probably wants her attention, and absolutely *nobody* is really communicating. A little communication would probably go a long way to help this couple.

Yep, her post sounded really familiar...both in her husband's actions and her reactions. The important thing to keep in mind is that compromising on some issues does NOT mean that you lose yourself. You don't have to change for your spouse, but marriage requires you to give a little on the less important issues.

 

[sfbear]

You must be a guy, because ONLY a guy could read her last post and get pissed off about it. What, did her post "hit a nerve" or sound too familiar? I guess you have one of those Tammy Wynette wives! 🙄

I'm a woman and married, and that post upset me too. It seems like you guys really need to work on your communication. He deserves to have a clear idea of what your schedule is - and where he fits into it. It would benefit you both if you were to tell him in advance that you would be on campus until 8, but from 8 - 10 you will be home to have time for just the two of you. He also deserves to know what chores you expect him to do around the house, but it sounds like his actions are more to get your attention than because he just really really wants you to do the laundry. You can't marginalize your spouse just because you chose to take on a difficult endeavor. If you can't improve your communication on your own, then you really need to go to a counselor. Regardless of whether the sessions save this marriage or not, they will give you life-skills that will benefit you down the road.

 

[mshheaddoc]

To the OP - I hope things worked out ... I didn't see an update after you moved out.

 

[fpr85]

Sorry didn't read all the posts but I think that maybe separation is the best thing, not divorce. (I noticed that you have moved out of the house which is good, it will allow you some time to blow off some steam... and make sure you discuss with your husband everything you're experiencing)

 

[jennie 21]

And your points highlight the fact that marriage is ALWAYS different when it's the WOMAN in med school. In my expereince, guys want you to be superwoman when you get married which obviously can't work when you're a med student or you have a demanding career.

I really disagree with you here. Maybe you're generalizing from your own experiences, and maybe that was true in your case. But that doesn't mean it's always true. My husband and I are BOTH in medical school, and far from expecting me to do most of the work or 'mother' him, we split housework pretty much 50-50...in fact, to be honest, he might do a little more, because he cares more about it than I do (and he just brought me a cup of hot cider, because I have a cold). I'm not denying that there are many guys out there who are stuck in the Ice Age and expect a woman to cook and clean up after them no matter what else she might have going on...but I think it's unfair to generalize that all guys are like that. There are lots of men who are willing to be equal partners in relationships and pull their own weight, and it just irks me when I see generalized male-bashing going on.

To the OP...it sounds like you went through an awful lot of loss in the years before your marriage, first your father and then your best friend. That's awful, and I feel for you. It's true that those losses may have colored your judgement when you met your husband...on the other hand, it's also possible that some of these issues that are popping up now with your husband are somehow masking unresolved grief you may still be carrying around from your fathers' and best friends' deaths. Grief can do strange things to us when we don't work through it. It's possible that you're depressed or having some type of grief reaction and that that is coloring the way you are seeing your marriage right now. Similarly, from the way you describe him, it sounds like your husband is at the very least hungry for your attention and bored...and maybe depressed himself? I mean, the most he has to be excited about is a t-shirt that comes with his new video card? What is this guy doing all day?

On the other hand, though, it's easy to get needy and dependent on your spouse when you don't have enough going on in your own life. This summer, I was incredibly bored and lonely because my summer job was keeping me busy for maybe 3-4 hours of the day and most of my friends were out of town...and my husband was working 14 hour days in an intense ortho program, not sleeping enough, and cranky when he was home. It wasn't a good combination...I got really needy, wanting his attention all the time when he was home, etc. and he just needed to unwind. Maybe that's what's going on here? Your husband is bored because he doesn't have enough to do so he relies on you to entertain him? I agree with relatively prime and the other people who suggest that it sounds like he's trying to find ways to get your attention. Yeah, it's immature, but it's also kind of easy to do when you're bored or depressed and don't have enough going on in your life. I bet if he found some way of entertaining himself he'd bug you a lot less.

I don't know what to tell you, really. If you've TRULY felt that this marriage was a mistake from the beginning, maybe in the end the best thing to do will be to end it before you become any more involved or have children together. I'd strongly recommend that you BOTH make a good-faith effort at counseling first, though. Not just a couple of sessions but a minimum of six months to a year with a competent couples' counselor. Marriage isn't something to give up on lightly. Everyone who's been married knows that marriages go through good times and bad, and sometimes when you're mired in the bad, you can't remember the good that there was or see the good that's coming around the corner. On the other hand, frequently people who are on the brink of divorce lose perspective and think that it has been this bad all along and that the whole thing was a mistake from the beginning, but really they didn't feel that way at the time...it's a matter of the present coloring your perceptions of the past, kind of the opposite of how nostalgia makes you see everything from the past with rose-colored glasses...instead, when the present is bad, it makes everything from the past look worse than it actually was.

Anyway, good luck to you with whatever you decide. I hope that you'll be able to work things out, or that, if not, you'll be able to move on and find happiness. No matter what the reasons, divorce is rough on everybody involved. Good luck with everything.

 

[ZanMD]

Wow.. all I can say is wow.. well actually I could say a LOT more, but I'll refain. Ok I've seen your reasons for divorcing, and I personally think they are childish. And I'm married. I have to echo the majority opinion here- you need to communicate. If you don't make SOME type of effort at reconcilliation then you're an idiot. And not only that- you've ruined your husbands life because you are unwilling to deal. Marriage isn't easy- at times you're going to want to kill each other. It's natural. The reasons you are giving us for the divorce are extremely weak, and you've made it clear that you haven't made any SINCERE effort at trying to fix them. Yes I DO agree with you that those things are annoying. And maybe he does need to grow up a little. But does he know this? Have you explained to him that you wish you could be with him, but you have commitments? Have you told him that his behavior isn't acceptable? If you sit him down and say "these things need to change or else" I bet he will listen. And don't say "its too late" because if you'd told him your issues to begin with, you wouldn't be this far. It ain't over till the fat divorce attorney sings "disolved". What you're doing is the equivalent to getting one "C" on one test in pharm school, and dropping out. You can't deal with life that way, and it will eventually catch up with you if you do. So stop looking for excuses to get out. If you didn't love him, you shouldn't have married him. That too is another sign of immaturity. If you're looking for support approval on this, you most likely won't garner it from very many people.

You got yourself into the marriage- you can't run away from it just because everything doesn't go the way you want. Try actually fixing it instead of throwing it in the garbage.

Get counseling. Best of luck to you both

 

[apgmph]

that's the problem with the culture we live in nowadays!!! people are too damn quick to jump at getting a divorce. 'oh i'm having a bad day.... let's get a divorce!' how can you 'not love him anymore'????whatever happened to the values of marriage?
i'm married. i work. and my husband is in his 2nd year of pharmacy school. and i completely feel for your husband!! i know what it's like not getting the attention i want and having to deal with him having to study ALL the time! and yes sometimes i feel i come 2nd to his studies. and yes, i admit, i get lonely and frustrated with the situation. but you know what? i deal! i'm in this marriage because i want to be and i know he's in school to not only better himself but to promise us a better future!
i hate to judge since i have no clue on your life in particular. but from what i've seen in this post...you're forgetting that a marriage is about US...NOT YOU!!! you both need to talk to each other...it's not that hard. and get some counseling!!!!! and get over yourself!

 

[ZanMD]

It sounds like you've just been sitting back hoping the problem will fix itsself, which it won't. If you want to to work, you have to TRY. I feel sorry for your husband. Sorry but I can offer you no validation.

 

[CoffeeMug]

What's the point of marriage if it's such hard work? I do hard work at work, why would I voluntarily sign up to do hard work at home too?

 

[jennie 21]

What's the point of marriage if it's such hard work? I do hard work at work, why would I voluntarily sign up to do hard work at home too?

Because the rewards of having someone you know through and through, who knows you the same way, who you love and who loves you and who you know is always in your corner, are more than worth it. If you've been in a good relationship, you know that. Yeah, marriage makes life more complicated, but it also makes life infinitely sweeter, and easier in some ways. At least, if you're in a good marriage with a supportive partner. All I can say is that the payoffs are worth it, a thousand times over. Beyond that, it's the sort of thing you have to learn from personal experience.