dealing with a jealous fiance

[brains]

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My fiance and I have been together for three years. He's going to be thirty this month - me, I'm 21. (and maybe the age difference has something to do with it.?)

Anyway, he knows I dream of becoming a doctor, however, he is so jealous that he can't even handle it when radiologists that I work with help me with my homework 🙁

I love him so much, but he's constantly accusing me of cheating (when there's no reason for him to AT ALL). He says that we don't fit because i'm too pretty and he's nnot attractive ( both of which I think is bull). I keep telling him every day that he's the one for me and that i'm not interested in anyone else. This boy never believes me though 😡

My question ishow is he going to act once I get into med school,residency,etc.? Will he get worse or will he lighten up because he'll know that I'll be too busy to do anything else? 😕

Otherwise, can anyone give me some tips on how to make him feel more secure about what I do when I'm not around?

 

[DrMom]

Drop him now.

You won't make him feel more secure. He will continue to behave like this & will make your life miserable.

You need to find a man with enough self-confidence to not only handle you being a physician, but to also handle you having a life in which you interact with other men.

 

[venez]

your fiance is insecure for whatever reasons. you are right, he will be jealous of future interactions if he is already jealous., especially when you are in a position of authority. It will only get worse. be do not change in my opinion. so you have to decide which is more important to you, him or being true to yourself.

 

[tlew12778]

I agree with everything DrMom wrote.

 

[GeneGoddess]

I third DrMom. Trust and support are paramount in a relationship.

 

[Febrifuge]

Ditto. Listen to Mom. She will not steer you wrong. This person doesn't want an equal partner; he wants someone he can control, and he's using his (very unattractive) neediness as a means to control you.

Run, don't walk.

 

[adventurer]

This relationship may seem ok to you now, even if there are some traits that you don't like (are there any good traits about a man who is jealous and needy?) but it has the potential to get very ugly and DANGEROUS. This is not a joke-most abusive relationships start out like this. Just be aware.

 

[f_w]

My question ishow is he going to act once I get into med school,residency,etc.? Will he get worse or will he lighten up because he'll know that I'll be too busy to do anything else?

With each step in your career he will get worse and worse. At some point this will end one of two ways you dead or him in the state pen (probably both).

He is dead weight you should better shed NOW. You are 21, you should be worrying about your MCAT, your GPA and the like, not some up-to-no-good older dude who already sees your career plans as a threat.

Here is what you should do:

- The word is 'restraining order'. You local district attorneys victims assistance office will help you to file for one.
- get a locksmith to install new locks (non-copyable type) and a 'police bar' at your front door.
- get a security company to install a set of panic buttons hooked up to a wireless alarm service (not your phone line, it'l cost you $40/month for monitoring but this is money well spent).
- serve him with a notice that he is to stay 100ft away from you

Sounds drastic, doesn't it ? The reason I would go to this length is this: You got 'engaged' when you were barely at the age of consent. He feels that he 'owns' you and that ANYTHING even a colleague helping you out is a threat. If you try to get rid of him the polite way ('you know, we have grown apart yadayadayada') he is at a high risk of turning into a potentially violent stalker.

If he has more than 7 interconnected neurons in his brain, he will get the message. If he has less than that, your local police department might have to remind him a couple of times ('watch you head sir').



---------------------------------------------
Oh yeah right, I am overreacting. I just happen to know how hard and expensive it is to fix orbital rim fractures and how hard life without stereoscopic vision can be. You are heading for the reef, if you don't correct course of this ship NOW, you will run aground.

 

[v-tach]

I would have to agree with those who have suggested breaking it off. It's unfortunate to have to do that, but from what you've shared here it does not sound like a healthy relationship at all, and has the potential to get worse. It seems that he doesn't trust you, even though you don't appear to have given him a reason not to. Trust is essential to a relationship, and it needs to be mutual.

 

[brotherbloat]

Have you considered delving into his own dreams and goals and figuring out if deep down he's very dissatisfied by where his own life has taken him? Maybe that's the cause of his extreme reactions to you--maybe it's more about him and the fact that at the big 3-0 he's having a mid-life crisis of sorts. Perhaps he has secret aspirations of his own of becoming a doctor, and for whatever reason, hasn't done it (laziness, lack of aptitude for science, etc.), but is jealous of your motivation and drive.

I'd suggest having a deep "feelings chat," and even encourage him to go back to school, do a post-bacc and pursue medicine at the same time as you, etc.

 

[Skip Intro]

Oh yeah right, I am overreacting. I just happen to know how hard and expensive it is to fix orbital rim fractures and how hard life without stereoscopic vision can be. You are heading for the reef, if you don't correct course of this ship NOW, you will run aground.

Oh brother... 🙄

You really like to work yourself into a lather, don't you f_w?

Just have a talk with the guy. Explain to him that you love him, but his jealousy is getting in the way. Tell him you need to be with someone who is secure enough to be with you. Put him on notice. See if he lightens up and learns to trust you. If he can't, then tell him you gotta move on because you deserve more. If his behavior gets dangerous (which there is no indication you've made that it has so far), then you escalate your response.

Right now, all we can really tell is that you're just dealing with a guy who's a little insecure and maybe feels that you're out of his league - and nowhere have you thus far suggested that the guy has the capacity for becoming violent (which may or may not be the case). If this is a fundamental part of his character that you can't change, then maybe you do need to find someone else. If you truly love him and want to be with him, then explain that to him and tell him that you need him to trust you and be more secure in your relationship if it's going to work. This way, if and when you do have to break-up if he doesn't "get" it, at least it won't come as a surprise.

On the other hand, if he has threatened or even been mildly abusive with you, I'd say dump him and dump him quickly. In the meantime, don't let others on this forum scare you, especially since they don't know the exact details or the dynamic of your relationship with this guy other than what you've stated here.

-Skip

 

[Katee80]

Speaking as a victim of a jealous and possessive now ex bf....get out now. You may think these posts are a little extreme but everyone here is right. Don't let him get defensive as in .....don't go telling him.."well all the med students and medical personel on my website told me I should leave you."

That will only enrage him and put you in danger earlier than later.

He WILL get worse. Trust us. And trust me. He sounds exactly like my ex and my ex turned into an abusive person.

Let us know what heppens but please....leave now. To quote Febrifuge ....run.......don't walk.

Katee

 

[Skip Intro]

Speaking as a victim of a jealous and possessive now ex bf....get out now. You may think these posts are a little extreme but everyone here is right. Don't let him get defensive as in .....don't go telling him.."well all the med students and medical personel on my website told me I should leave you."

That will only enrage him and put you in danger earlier than later.

He WILL get worse. Trust us. And trust me. He sounds exactly like my ex and my ex turned into an abusive person.

Let us know what heppens but please....leave now. To quote Febrifuge ....run.......don't walk.

Katee

With all due respect, you cannot extrapolate your situations onto those of others - especially complete strangers on a forum whom you don't know nor do you know their exact situation other than what they tell you. Just because you had a bad experience with a guy doesn't mean that your situation is exactly the same as the OP's.

Sorry, but you're gonna learn (as a future doctor) to separate the all-too-human tendency of transference/countertransference and (hopefully) learn to avoid it. If you don't know what this is, don't worry; you soon will.

-Skip

 

[Febrifuge]

<< With all due respect, you cannot extrapolate your situations onto those of others - especially complete strangers on a forum whom you don't know nor do you know their exact situation other than what they tell you. Just because you had a bad experience with a guy doesn't mean that your situation is exactly the same as the OP's. >>

To be fair, I wasn't necessarily saying he's abusive and violent, just that his track record demonstrates he's a lousy boyfriend. That's enough reason, in my mind, to dump him now.

Jenny83 has said she's tried to reassure the guy, and explain that his fears are unfounded. He doesn't seem to want to be reassured. He's set in his own interpretation, and this jealousy thing is a big part of that. I don't believe that the extra effort of helping your partner get over that kind of mental block is something Jenny needs to worry about at this time.

 

[Skip Intro]

Jenny83 has said she's tried to reassure the guy, and explain that his fears are unfounded. He doesn't seem to want to be reassured. He's set in his own interpretation, and this jealousy thing is a big part of that. I don't believe that the extra effort of helping your partner get over that kind of mental block is something Jenny needs to worry about at this time.

Yeah, but I'm just not convinced that she's sat him down and had a true heart-to-heart discussion of the consequences of his continued jealousy (i.e., effectively putting him "on notice"). That's what you do in a mature relationship, which I'm not yet convinced that this is.

Personally, I generally agree with what everyone is saying here, and on average I don't really know how much a 21-year-old and a 30-year-old ultimately have in common as far as life expectations and long-term goals. To me, it speaks a lot to her boyfriend's maturity level (or lack thereof).

But, I'm still willing to give the guy the benefit of the doubt at this point because we've only gotten one side (her side) of this story. That, and it appears that she has not really yet sat him down and told him the real deal.

-Skip

 

[Febrifuge]

<< Yeah, but I'm just not convinced that she's sat him down and had a true heart-to-heart discussion of the consequences of his continued jealousy (i.e., effectively putting him "on notice"). That's what you do in a mature relationship, which I'm not yet convinced that this is. >>

A valid point, to be sure. And I think that's sort of the key to it: we're all responding to the essential idea that this does not seem to be a mature relationship between equals -- and we have to wonder who benefits from that state of affairs. Given that (from the OP's description) she's tried repeatedly to get him to understand, and he has resisted, it seems as though he prefers the dynamic as it is. That's not cool, and might even be indicative of something much worse.

But you're right -- in any breakup, the one who initiates it should give the ol' college try to making sure all the other avenues are exhausted first. It's the kind thing to do. Plus it helps everyone to deal with the aftermath.

I think the heart-to-heart about consequences is the right way to go. I would suggest that they have that conversation someplace public, or semi-public.

 

[Skip Intro]

Just remember, this is a fiancé, not "just" a boyfriend. Perhaps couples counseling might be in order, as an additional avenue to pursue, especially since the OP is convinced (on whatever level) that this is a guy she wants to spend the rest of her life with and she doesn't need to date anyone else. Doesn't seem that she's willing to give up on the relationship, but instead is still willing to stay with someone whom she describes as jealous and having a low self-esteem. And, what does that say about her maturity level? (No offense intended, Jenny83... just a reflection of my advancing age. )

Both parties need to question what they are ultimately getting out of this relationship, and whether or not it would be foolhardy to continue it to marriage (which is more likely to actually compound the problems instead of fixing them).

And, don't forget how the proposal went down...

http://forums.studentdoctor.net/showthread.php?p=2130640

(Seems like this guy has some serious self-confidence issues.)

I think the heart-to-heart about consequences is the right way to go. I would suggest that they have that conversation someplace public, or semi-public.

Personally, if the bomb is going to be dropped, I prefer the phone, whether on the giving or receiving end. Gives sufficient space, for both parties, to really reflect and consider the ramifications of what just happened. And, doing it on the phone, in and of itself, sends a clear message of the seriousness of what the discussion means. Many will disagree with that, but it is both "neater" and far safer to do it that way - both emotionally and physically. It allows you to deal with the aftermath in private, and avoid some (occassionally) really nasty exchanges (e.g., prolonged bouts of name-calling, throwing dishes, inability to comfortably and safely excuse oneself if/when it gets out of hand, etc.).

-Skip

 

[horizontalchew]

My fiance and I have been together for three years. He's going to be thirty this month - me, I'm 21. (and maybe the age difference has something to do with it.?)

Anyway, he knows I dream of becoming a doctor, however, he is so jealous that he can't even handle it when radiologists that I work with help me with my homework 🙁

I love him so much, but he's constantly accusing me of cheating (when there's no reason for him to AT ALL). He says that we don't fit because i'm too pretty and he's nnot attractive ( both of which I think is bull). I keep telling him every day that he's the one for me and that i'm not interested in anyone else. This boy never believes me though 😡

My question ishow is he going to act once I get into med school,residency,etc.? Will he get worse or will he lighten up because he'll know that I'll be too busy to do anything else? 😕

Otherwise, can anyone give me some tips on how to make him feel more secure about what I do when I'm not around?

well if you love him then do your own damn homework !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[f_w]

Maybe there SHOULD be a law prohibiting people from becoming engaged before they have their braces off ?!

 

[LADoc00]

My fiance and I have been together for three years. He's going to be thirty this month - me, I'm 21. (and maybe the age difference has something to do with it.?)

Anyway, he knows I dream of becoming a doctor, however, he is so jealous that he can't even handle it when radiologists that I work with help me with my homework 🙁

I love him so much, but he's constantly accusing me of cheating (when there's no reason for him to AT ALL). He says that we don't fit because i'm too pretty and he's nnot attractive ( both of which I think is bull). I keep telling him every day that he's the one for me and that i'm not interested in anyone else. This boy never believes me though 😡

My question ishow is he going to act once I get into med school,residency,etc.? Will he get worse or will he lighten up because he'll know that I'll be too busy to do anything else? 😕

Otherwise, can anyone give me some tips on how to make him feel more secure about what I do when I'm not around?

Get out now, no harm done as you dont have kids. By why oh why are radiologists helping you with your homework?

....Why do I get the sense its not so much him being jealous as you seeing the chance to supersize with Rads MD??

 

[brains]

okay, maybe you guys need to know a little more about us. We have a two year old son, we live together, and to answer the last question, no I am not trying to get in good with the Radiologists for whatever reason. I have asked the techs to help many times and they've all been clueless as to what I am talking about as far as chemistry and math goes.


I want to thank all of you who have helped me with this. I did exactly as some of you said and told him that if he doesn't learn to trust me, then I don't want anything to do with him. I said " Either you learn to trust me and stop making these accusations, or I'll break up with you now" And that was the last time he ever brought it up 🙂 I think ( or hope at least) that he realized what he was doing to our relationship.

Things are getting better. I think he just REALLY REALLY needed a boost of self esteem. I went out and bought him some nice clothes (and a welder 😀 ) for his birthday, and we also had a nice little party for him as well.

I know he's not going to grow up overnight. It's just something, I realized, that's going to take time for him to get used to. We'll see how things go in the next year.