Someone PMd me, asking for an update on my situation. Here goes:
I am sooooooo glad I stuck it out. Dropping out for PA school wouldve been one of the worst decisions I couldve madewell, besides robbing escorts at the Copley Marriott. Not that being a PA is bad---its a necessary and respected career. Its just that I wouldnt have had the depth and breadth of training that an MD would have---which is what I decided I wanted. Having a good mentor helped in this situation. He told me to wait a month, and if after that month I still wanted to drop out and become a PA, then do it. I submitted a CASPA to a few schools, just in case, though. Then I waited. By the end of that month, I got into the routine of going to class and studying. The material was fascinating, and I felt fully engaged in what I was doing---so I stayed. Speaking to a counselor also helped.
When I started this thread, I wasnt only dealing with career anxiety, but also a torrent of emotions related to being separated from family, close friends, and my then longtime girlfriend (now fiancée) and my impending shrinkage of freedom after coming off a 7 month hiatus, where I did whatever I wanted. I was catastrophizing, according to a counselor. She said these feelings would probably pass if I only waited it out and didnt do anything rash. It didnt help that my week-long orientation consisted mostly of intimidation (from my perspective, anyway) sessions whose messages consisted of: You have to study more than you ever have before, or else youll fail. Expect little free time. And, Medicine is a hard road, you work long hours and you never get to see your loved ones as much as youd like. Alcoholism, suicide, and divorce rates are higher among doctors than most other professions. Then the Dean said something that pushed me over the edge and made me seek out the counseling in the first place, though in retrospect I may have misheard him. The Dean said something to the effect that his career in Medicine led to the break-up of his marriage. Since I had just extricated myself from the loving arms of my intended fiancée to go to that then-perceived hell-hole of a school that was the last thing I wanted to hear. Looking back, I think thats what originally pushed me over the edge. Again, I could have misinterpreted what the dean said, or I misheard him. Anyway, thank goodness thats all in the past---that was an incredibly tortuous moment in my life. At the very least it taught me that emotional pain can be just as bad as physical pain.
My advice to those having doubts about entering medical school would be to speak to a variety of people in order to get a wide spectrum of perspectives---dont rely only on SDN: seriously, speak to several different people face to face. A mentor, a counselor, a primary care doc, and a specialist would be a good mixture. I would also advise that no matter how bad you feel right now, dont do anything rash. Just wait it out for a while, and most likely your existential angst will pass. I worried about waiting it out though, since there were certain cut-off dates to get my tuition money back. If I had waited, then decided to quit, I would still have owed half-a-years tuition to Citibank. That wouldve sucked, but it wouldve sucked even more to quit immediately, and then regret it later on. Better to be sure about your career path than to verve wildly across career tracks based on your emotional state of the week. Also, in this economic climate, Medicine is one of the safer career areas. If you do decide to leave, be sure you have something (either a job or a sugar daddy) waiting for you on the outside. Its rough out there right now. If anyone has any more questions, please dont hesitate to PM me. The memory of the anguish I felt on orientation week will probably stay with me for the rest of my life. If my advice can somehow shorten or attenuate those feelings in current or future med students, then the time I spent writing this, instead of studying for my neuroscience class, will have been put to good use.
Something else Id like to add: I still don't want to work more than 40-45hrs/wk. If I have to, I'll do it, but I won't be excited about it. My instincts tell me that as long as I keep my total debt level below 200k, pick the right specialty, and live in a place with a reasonable cost of living, I should be able to tailor my workweek shorter than 48hrs/wk. Even in primary care. I wont be making bank, of course, but Ill have more free time, and still be able to handle my debts. Or at least I hope. To an potential trolls or flamers of this last paragraph: Suck on tha' straw! This is SDN after all---I know how they play 'round here. 🙂
