Disadvantaged Essay--how does this sound?

[Mistress S]

To those who applied disadvantaged--how did you go about writing the essay? I am having a lot of difficulty with this, as I am not sure what to include, especially in only 1325 characters! Right now, it sounds like brief list of all the crap that happened during my childhood, with a line tacked on at the end about how I am proud of my accomplishments in light of my circumstances and feel my experiences have given me opportunities for growth, blah blah blah. I want to be honest without sounding whiny. I really need to submit AMCAS, and the essays are the only thing that have been holding me up. I've already discussed my childhood on this board before, so I feel comfortable showing what I have so far. Any opinions? Here it is:

In answering the questions on this application regarding my disadvantaged status, I have used information about my mother and my economic situation when residing with her; while this does not provide an entirely accurate reflection of my childhood, the very nature of my upbringing makes it difficult to provide better answers. My parents divorced when I was two, and my father, a severe alcoholic, had removed himself from my life entirely (including the payment of child support) by the time I was five. In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for my sister and I; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home, and between the ages of three and sixteen I would stay in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between stays with my mother. Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university. I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

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[Freakingzooming]

Hey MistressS:

Seeing as I'm in need of procrastinating, I decided to look over your statement:


Comments: Great ending part. I'm used to the typical AMCAS endings where one ends with, "I feel confident that I can apply my skills as a doctor..." yada yada. But you described your life really well. I just was a little worried about some possible sentence fragments I spot. I'm not sure whose going to read this but I like to play it safe and I was wondering about the tone of some of the parts of essay. I'm not say you should fluff it up but maybe consider the language. It's really personal but you want to be proactive about it. I hope my revisions make sense. PM me if you have more questions or post on the board! Good luck.

Best,
J


In answering the questions on this application regarding my disadvantaged status, I have used information about my mother and my economic situation when residing with her(Are you sure you really need to start with the first two sentences? Couldn't you cut to the chase by just telling your story? To me, the story sorta tells itself.). While this does not provide an entirely accurate reflection of my childhood, the very nature of my upbringing makes it difficult to provide better answers (explanations?). My parents divorced when I was two, and my father, a severe (chronic? better word choice?) alcoholic, had removed himself from my life entirely (including the payment of child support) by the time I was five (Or, "By five, I was left fatherless and my mother had to support the family....." I don't know if it's just me, but it came off a little bitter). In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for my sister and I; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home, and between the ages of three and sixteen I staid in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between living with my mother. Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university. I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

 

[Mistress S]

Thanks for the feedback freakingzooming. I just wrote this draft, so it's probably not the best; I will definitely take some of your suggestions regarding word changes. The reason I opened it the way I did is, when you designate yourself as disadvantaged AMCAS asks all these questions about where you grew up, how much your family made, how many people lived in your household, etc; as I spent a good deal of my childhood in foster care and moved around a lot, not just from place to place but household to household, I really couldn't accurately answer those questions at all, and I wanted to provide a disclaimer about the info I put down in case questions arose. Do you still think I should take it out?

Re: my dad, I hope it doesn't come off as bitter, the thing about saying I was "left fatherless" is that to me, that makes it sound like he died, which to my knowledge is not the case. I was trying to just stay matter-of-fact in describing my circumstances, the limited character count also makes it difficult. But if it comes off sounding too bitter I'll try to rephrase it.

Any other opinions? Should I mention the fact that my mother was physically abusive in describing why we were placed in foster care? My BF thought "emotionally unfit" was too vague and glossed over what actually happened, but if the tone is already sounding too dark or bitter, adding this info probably wouldn't help.

 

[ericdamiansean]

I think you should only put in the important stuff, if they need to know more about you, they will be likely to ask you that during the interview. I don't think you should put the fact that your mom was also abused. Concentrate on your other strenghts as well.
All the best.

Honestly speaking, I wish sometimes the people at my school were to be more aware and be thankful of what they have which some of them take for granted.

 

[Heliums]

Tell them the number of different homes you were in as well as the number of different schools you attended and how that hampered your education etc. Were you and your sister seperated? Did your mother have subsstance abuse problems? Did youhave to work to help support your family. . . did that influence your quality of education? Are you the first person in your family to attend college? Good Luck!

 

[lorelei]

I don't think it sounds bitter - I'm really impressed that you made it through all that, succeeded in school, and can now write so clearly about it.

One grammar fix: "In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for my sister and I" should end with "my sister and me." (Since you would say "for me" not "for I".)

 

[nina512]

In answering the questions on this application regarding my disadvantaged status, I have used information about my mother and my economic situation when residing with her; while this does not provide an entirely accurate reflection of my childhood, the very nature of my upbringing makes it difficult to provide better answers.

(I think this first sentence doesn't give the reader any additional information; why not try a sentence introducing how important a stable family is for child development, and how you weren't as fortunate...)

My parents divorced when I was two, and my father, a severe alcoholic, had removed himself from my life entirely (including the payment of child support) by the time I was five. In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for my sister and I; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home, and between the ages of three and sixteen I would stay in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between stays with my mother.

(I think you sound very objective here, a brief narrative of your life, does not sound whiney at all...)

Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university. I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

(Can you try and incorporate/identify the postive influences you've had in your life that helped you succeed? From how it sounds now, it seems like you accomplished all this on your own, and it would be good to let the reader know that despite your background, you have a strong support network...ie) With the gentle guidence of so-and-so, I was able to overcome these obstacles and become the 1st family member to finish college)

Again, these are just my opinions. I applied disadvantaged and in my essay I wanted to make sure I didn't sound whiney. I described objectively the environment in which I was raised, mentioned the help/guidence I recieved that kept me on the right path, and lastly talked about how proud and fortunate I am to be in position to apply to medical school.

It's tough to try to fit all that in 1325 characters, hope this helps!

Nina

 

[LRmed2003]

In answering the questions on this application regarding my disadvantaged status, I have used information about my mother and my economic situation when residing with her; while this does not provide an entirely accurate reflection of my childhood, the very nature of my upbringing makes it difficult to provide better answers.

(I think this first sentence doesn't give the reader any additional information; why not try a sentence introducing how important a stable family is for child development, and how you weren't as fortunate...)

My parents divorced when I was two, and my father, a severe alcoholic, had removed himself from my life entirely (including the payment of child support) by the time I was five. In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for my sister and I; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home, and between the ages of three and sixteen I would stay in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between stays with my mother.

(I think you sound very objective here, a brief narrative of your life, does not sound whiney at all...)

Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university. I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

(Can you try and incorporate/identify the postive influences you've had in your life that helped you succeed? From how it sounds now, it seems like you accomplished all this on your own, and it would be good to let the reader know that despite your background, you have a strong support network...ie) With the gentle guidence of so-and-so, I was able to overcome these obstacles and become the 1st family member to finish college)

Again, these are just my opinions. I applied disadvantaged and in my essay I wanted to make sure I didn't sound whiney. I described objectively the environment in which I was raised, mentioned the help/guidence I recieved that kept me on the right path, and lastly talked about how proud and fortunate I am to be in position to apply to medical school.

It's tough to try to fit all that in 1325 characters, hope this helps!

Nina

Ditto...i was concerned about your opening sentence as well.. if you take these suggestions, i think you'll be golden.

 

[Mistress S]

Thanks for all the feedback so far...it sounds like the consensus is to remove the first sentence, I guess if anyone asks about it I can clarify that I used my mother's info since I lived in so many different homes. Here is a revised version, I incoporated many of the suggestions so let me know if this sounds better:

A stable home is a crucial component of a healthy childhood; while I was not fortunate enough to have this growing up, I am grateful for the support I received from my family and others which has enabled me to reach this point in my life, despite the hardships I faced in my upbringing. My parents divorced when I was two, and by the time I was five my father had disappeared, leaving my mother to support my sister and I on her own. In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for us; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home. Between the ages of three and sixteen I lived in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between stays with my mother; in all, I moved approximately fifteen times during this period and attended nine different schools. Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university. I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

 

[synapse lapse]

That's very good. They love that working in underswerved areas stuff. I think they'll eat it up 🙂. Ha, and I cut and paste to see how long it was, and you got it just at 1325, nice .

 

[beanbean]

Excellent revision. It is clear and concise; not judgemental or whiny.

best of luck with interviews this year!

Deirdre

 

[Cerbernator]

mine sucked, what a ****ty character constraint!

 

[MedSchoolFool]

Hi there Mistress...

First off I would like to offer sincere congratulations for overcoming your life's disadvantages. People give up and succumb all the time to far less disparaging ordeals. You should feel quite proud of your positive progress.

I'm going to chime in here and offer a few bits of advice about your essay. I'm an English Literature and Interpersonal Communication major so that means I think I know how to help, not that I necessarily will.

A stable home is a crucial component of a healthy childhood; while I was not fortunate enough to have this growing up, I am grateful for the support I received from my family and others which has enabled me to reach this point in my life, despite the hardships I faced in my upbringing.

This is a mouthful for a first sentence. In fact, it is a little more than 1/5 of your essay's length. Dx: It drags.

The use of the semicolon, colon, ellipse, what have you, generally shouldn't be part of an introduction sentence. They often indicate a lack of concision. This in turn can lead to redundancy, or circuitousness, such as when you state "I was not fortunate enough to have this growing up", which you then reword by mentioning, "the hardships I faced in my upbringing." (Not fortunate=hardship...growing up=upbringing)

Your intro sentence attempts to be a microcosm of the essay that will follow. You have given away the essence of your story, and therefore diluted its eventual impact because we already know exactly how it will unfold.

I agree with the earlier advice that pointed out your story really begins with your second sentence. This is where you hook the reader. To preface this hook with any explanatory comment weakens the power of your narrative. Open with the second sentence.

My parents divorced when I was two, and by the time I was five my father had disappeared, leaving my mother to support my sister and I on her own.

Good sentence. Gripping. I would differentiate the way you mention the ages you were (I was two... I was five) Maybe try "and by the time of my fifth birthday my father disappeared,". I'm not meaning to rewrite you. Only offering a suggestion that may or may not help. Plus, like I said, I?m an English major so rewrites are part and parcel, whether I, or others, like it. <Sigh> 😛

In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for us; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home.

This sentence begins with a prepositional phrase. There are not strict rules about this but it isn't the strongest way to begin a sentence. In general the subject should come first.

Another problem is with the semicolon. A semicolon is used to join two independent clauses. In this respect you are correct to use it. But the de rigueur is that the second independent clause should be more succinct than the first clause.

Lastly, there is redundancy here. Being "legally removed" approximately implies in and of itself that you were "placed in a group home".

Here's one suggestion for cleaning up this sentence:

My mother tried raising us on her own, but ultimately proved emotionally unfit; we were soon appointed to a group home.

Between the ages of three and sixteen I lived in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between stays with my mother; in all, I moved approximately fifteen times during this period and attended nine different schools.

This sentence also begins with a prepositional phrase. There is the semicolon, which by this point has been over employed in this essay. However, the main problem with this sentence is that it is cumbersome and, consequently, reads awkwardly.

The reason for this is that you have crammed too much information into one breath. Here is a suggestion for one way it could be corrected:

My formative years were punctuated by a series of frequent and disruptive relocations to new foster homes. I had become a ward of the state, and quickly found my life defined by transience. I was in and out of nine different schools and fifteen separate homes throughout my childhood and adolescence.

I would suggest that you not mention the visits to live with your mother or relatives. You want to focus on the disadvantages you had, and any time spent with family seems like it could be viewed as a reprieve.

Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university.

Great sentence. Summarizes everything to this point and uses it to effectively switch into a positive direction.

I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

There is no need to say that these things were ?obviously challenging?, because, as you say, it is obvious. 😎 This is also a lengthy sentence. A lot is being said with one breath. Overall, these long sentences create an unnatural pace for your essay. It sort of becomes laborious to read long sentences like this, and sometimes the point is lost in the multitude of words. Try breaking this last sentence into at least two sentences, though three would probably be better.

I have gained valuable growth and insight because of my experiences. Namely, I have empathy for disadvantaged, displaced, and poverty stricken people that can only be understood after walking in their shoes. I know from a first hand perspective that doctors are needed by these people and I sincerely hope to be among those who will meet their need.

That?s just an example of what I?m saying.

Honestly, don?t take any of this as a rewrite of your work. It is just easier to help by giving an example rather than elucidating at length on the forms of good writing. If this is any help then that is my goal. Good luck with reaching your goal of medical school. Not that it?s needed, of course. You sound like your doing great.

JJ

 

[UCmed2004]

The F Are You Talking About?? 1325 Characters?? I Thought It Was 5300!! What//??!!

 

[JimDiGriz]

The F Are You Talking About?? 1325 Characters?? I Thought It Was 5300!! What//??!!

I think it's 1325 for the disadvantaged, 5300 for the PS

 

[Heliums]

1325 for disadvantage statment. ps is 5300

 

[AlternateSome1]

I agree with JJ. The semicolon is a little overdone and you wound up with a few run on sentences. The content, however, was great. Good luck.

Hi there Mistress...

First off I would like to offer sincere congratulations for overcoming your life's disadvantages. People give up and succumb all the time to far less disparaging ordeals. You should feel quite proud of your positive progress.

I'm going to chime in here and offer a few bits of advice about your essay. I'm an English Literature and Interpersonal Communication major so that means I think I know how to help, not that I necessarily will.

A stable home is a crucial component of a healthy childhood; while I was not fortunate enough to have this growing up, I am grateful for the support I received from my family and others which has enabled me to reach this point in my life, despite the hardships I faced in my upbringing.

This is a mouthful for a first sentence. In fact, it is a little more than 1/5 of your essay's length. Dx: It drags.

The use of the semicolon, colon, ellipse, what have you, generally shouldn't be part of an introduction sentence. They often indicate a lack of concision. This in turn can lead to redundancy, or circuitousness, such as when you state "I was not fortunate enough to have this growing up", which you then reword by mentioning, "the hardships I faced in my upbringing." (Not fortunate=hardship...growing up=upbringing)

Your intro sentence attempts to be a microcosm of the essay that will follow. You have given away the essence of your story, and therefore diluted its eventual impact because we already know exactly how it will unfold.

I agree with the earlier advice that pointed out your story really begins with your second sentence. This is where you hook the reader. To preface this hook with any explanatory comment weakens the power of your narrative. Open with the second sentence.

My parents divorced when I was two, and by the time I was five my father had disappeared, leaving my mother to support my sister and I on her own.

Good sentence. Gripping. I would differentiate the way you mention the ages you were (I was two... I was five) Maybe try "and by the time of my fifth birthday my father disappeared,". I'm not meaning to rewrite you. Only offering a suggestion that may or may not help. Plus, like I said, I?m an English major so rewrites are part and parcel, whether I, or others, like it. <Sigh> 😛

In his absence, my mother proved emotionally unfit to care for us; we were first legally removed from her care when I was three and placed in a group home.

This sentence begins with a prepositional phrase. There are not strict rules about this but it isn't the strongest way to begin a sentence. In general the subject should come first.

Another problem is with the semicolon. A semicolon is used to join two independent clauses. In this respect you are correct to use it. But the de rigueur is that the second independent clause should be more succinct than the first clause.

Lastly, there is redundancy here. Being "legally removed" approximately implies in and of itself that you were "placed in a group home".

Here's one suggestion for cleaning up this sentence:

My mother tried raising us on her own, but ultimately proved emotionally unfit; we were soon appointed to a group home.

Between the ages of three and sixteen I lived in a variety of group and foster homes as a ward of the state, as well as living with relatives, in between stays with my mother; in all, I moved approximately fifteen times during this period and attended nine different schools.

This sentence also begins with a prepositional phrase. There is the semicolon, which by this point has been over employed in this essay. However, the main problem with this sentence is that it is cumbersome and, consequently, reads awkwardly.

The reason for this is that you have crammed too much information into one breath. Here is a suggestion for one way it could be corrected:

My formative years were punctuated by a series of frequent and disruptive relocations to new foster homes. I had become a ward of the state, and quickly found my life defined by transience. I was in and out of nine different schools and fifteen separate homes throughout my childhood and adolescence.

I would suggest that you not mention the visits to live with your mother or relatives. You want to focus on the disadvantages you had, and any time spent with family seems like it could be viewed as a reprieve.

Given these circumstances, I am proud of the social and financial obstacles I have overcome to achieve the honor of being the first in my immediate family to attend a university.

Great sentence. Summarizes everything to this point and uses it to effectively switch into a positive direction.

I feel that these experiences, while obviously challenging, have also provided me with valuable opportunities for growth and insight into the plight of other socio-economically disadvantaged individuals in our society, sparking my interest in working with underserved populations.

There is no need to say that these things were ?obviously challenging?, because, as you say, it is obvious. 😎 This is also a lengthy sentence. A lot is being said with one breath. Overall, these long sentences create an unnatural pace for your essay. It sort of becomes laborious to read long sentences like this, and sometimes the point is lost in the multitude of words. Try breaking this last sentence into at least two sentences, though three would probably be better.

I have gained valuable growth and insight because of my experiences. Namely, I have empathy for disadvantaged, displaced, and poverty stricken people that can only be understood after walking in their shoes. I know from a first hand perspective that doctors are needed by these people and I sincerely hope to be among those who will meet their need.

That?s just an example of what I?m saying.

Honestly, don?t take any of this as a rewrite of your work. It is just easier to help by giving an example rather than elucidating at length on the forms of good writing. If this is any help then that is my goal. Good luck with reaching your goal of medical school. Not that it?s needed, of course. You sound like your doing great.

JJ

 

[willthatsall]

Somewhere in there it says something like, "my father left my mother to support my sister and I on her own." I think that should be "my sister and me." Sorry if that advice is either wrong or too nitpicky, I'm not great with writing but I think that's correct.

 

[Skoundrel]

Can you guys critic my disadvantage statement as well?

At 17 years old, my mother gave birth to me in a military hospital while my father was serving in the Vietnam War. After my father returned, he was not able to adjust to civilian life. My parents divorced and my father has always been absent from my life. My grandmother once told me he was living out of his car. As a single parent, my mother had difficulty supporting us even though she worked and received public assistance. Beginning at 5 years old, my mother worked nights leaving my sister and I alone to cook dinner and do school work. I can remember 4 times that I was sent to live with other family members because my mother could not financially support us. My sister and I were separated during these times. When I was 6 years old, I was sent to live with my grandmother and uncle whom I had never met in Southcentral Los Angelos, California. The seven of us lived in a one bedroom apartment and I often had to sleep where I could. My grandmother was an alcoholic and struggled as a secretary to support her family and me. After 18 months without my mother, I was sent back to her in Seattle, Washington where she had reestablished herself. I started to work at 14 years old to financial support our family. I attended 13 different schools by the time I graduated high school. I am the first person in my family to attend college.

 

[MedSchoolFool]

I would say that you have certainly established disadvantagement. Hands down. I think that you've done a good job here. Could I critique some points? Sure. But most of what I would offer in the way of advice is stylistic technique, meaning I would just say things differently. But this does not necessarily mean there is anything wrong with this essay. In fact, it has a couple of good strengths.

Your tone is direct. You give a chronological list of the facts. While this is not the most involving style of writing, it also doesn't artificially yank on the ol' heart strings either. I think that you are smart just to mention how your life has unfolded because the truth is dramatic enough without any flowery language, in your case.

You do a great job of disclosing your life without expressing any sorrow for yourself. I think this gives your story an extra shot of endearment.

Congratulations on all you've made it through to come toward such a lofty goal such as medical school. I am one who will be rooting for you.

JJ

 

[LoneCoyote]

I agree with the other poster. You also have one small grammatical error at the end in the third from last sentence about your starting to work. As of now it reads "to financial support our family." It should be "to financially support or family" or "to support our family financially." Good job overall.

 

[Skoundrel]

Thank you for catching the grammatical error and your feed back, it means a great deal. anybody esle got any suggestions?

 

[medschoolgirl2016]

A first generation Latina student with aspirations of becoming a doctor. My mom; a single mother and an immigrant, supporting her four children with the help of government assistance. My mom struggled to maintain us but above it all ensured that we prioritized school. I’ve had a job since the age of 13, working during the summer until I turned 16 and was able to work during the school year. School was always a challenge, even though I learned English at a very young age, I was bullied for having an accent during high school but as I grew older, I learned to embrace it as it. College didn’t seem like an option to me but I discovered that my disadvantages were a gift allowing me be eligible to attend higher education. During my second semester at MCLA , my maternal grandmother in Dominican Republic passed away, this was a hard time for my family, I feel behind in classes that semester as I was more focused with what was going on at home instead off my studies. Every year I made sure to retake the classes that I did not do well in. Determination has kept me going through my difficult journey to becoming a doctor.

 

[DokterMom]

Didn't catch the necro-bump until I'd read most of the way through, but for all FUTURE writers ---

This is a deeply personal essay which needs to come straight from the heart and gut, and not from the brain. Passive-structure sentences with five-dollar words distance you from your experiences and diminish the pain of your circumstances. I understand that you want to sound professional and not bitter or weepy, but you can be factual, plain-spoken, and literate at the same time. Strive for that.

@medschoolgirl2016 - Your tone is direct, factual and appropriate, which is good. But your grammar and sentence structure need some pretty serious work. I'd suggest some written English classes at your local community college help you overcome this obstacle.

 

[ace_inhibitor111]

I am a first generation Latina student with aspirations of becoming a doctor. My mom; a single mother and an immigrant, supported her four children with the help of government assistance. My mom struggled to provide for us but above it all ensured that we prioritized school. I’ve had a job since the age of 13, working during the summer until I turned 16 and was able to work during the school year. School was always a challenge. Even though I learned English at a very young age, I was bullied for having an accent during high school. As I grew older, I learned to accept myself and focus on my goals. College didn’t seem like an option to me but I discovered that my disadvantages were a gift (What?? Better to say "through hard work and determination I became eligible...") allowing me be eligible to attend higher education. During my second semester at MCLA , my maternal grandmother in Dominican Republic passed away, this was a hard time for my family, I feel behind in classes that semester as I was more focused with what was going on at home instead off my studies. Every year I made sure to retake the classes that I did not do well in (Delete or replace these last two sentences. This essay pertains to experiences before you attended college,) Determination has kept me going through my difficult journey to becoming a doctor.

 

[Med Ed]

A first generation Latina student with aspirations of becoming a doctor.

"I am a first generation Latina student." The rest is self-evident.

My mom; a single mother and an immigrant, supporting her four children with the help of government assistance.

Okay, single mother with four children surviving with government assistance. That is certainly germane to the issue at hand, but how did this disadvantage you? Did you live somewhere with substandard schools? Were you not able to afford school supplies? Did you lack role models and mentors?

My mom struggled to maintain us but above it all ensured that we prioritized school. I’ve had a job since the age of 13, working during the summer until I turned 16 and was able to work during the school year.

You could flesh this out. I assume that you worked to help support your family, but this is not explicitly stated. I also assume that working probably impacted your studies, but again this is not stated explicitly. Also, I would not say you were "able to work during the school year." That makes it sound like it was something you wanted to do, rather than a necessity.

School was always a challenge, even though I learned English at a very young age, I was bullied for having an accent during high school but as I grew older, I learned to embrace it as it. College didn’t seem like an option to me but I discovered that my disadvantages were a gift allowing me be eligible to attend higher education.

Kids get bullied all the time for all sorts of reasons. I would not include that detail here. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by disadvantages being a gift. I assume that your background helped you get an acceptance and financial aid, but again, this is not explicitly stated.

During my second semester at MCLA , my maternal grandmother in Dominican Republic passed away, this was a hard time for my family, I feel behind in classes that semester as I was more focused with what was going on at home instead off my studies. Every year I made sure to retake the classes that I did not do well in. Determination has kept me going through my difficult journey to becoming a doctor.

This does not belong here. Like being bullied, students of all backgrounds lose close relatives and suffer emotional setbacks. That's not a disadvantage, it's just life. This whole segment sounds like you are trying to score pity points while making excuses, and it's not very compelling.

 

[Goro]

To follow up on my learned colleague's wise comments, the disadvantaged prompt is to explain things that would have hindered you from getting an adequate preparation for college. It's not about the raw deals that life threw at you.

What Med Ed is dissecting out belongs in your "greatest challenge/how have you shown resilience?" prompts.

"I am a first generation Latina student." The rest is self-evident.



Okay, single mother with four children surviving with government assistance. That is certainly germane to the issue at hand, but how did this disadvantage you? Did you live somewhere with substandard schools? Were you not able to afford school supplies? Did you lack role models and mentors?



You could flesh this out. I assume that you worked to help support your family, but this is not explicitly stated. I also assume that working probably impacted your studies, but again this is not stated explicitly. Also, I would not say you were "able to work during the school year." That makes it sound like it was something you wanted to do, rather than a necessity.



Kids get bullied all the time for all sorts of reasons. I would not include that detail here. Also, I'm not sure what you mean by disadvantages being a gift. I assume that your background helped you get an acceptance and financial aid, but again, this is not explicitly stated.



This does not belong here. Like being bullied, students of all backgrounds lose close relatives and suffer emotional setbacks. That's not a disadvantage, it's just life. This whole segment sounds like you are trying to score pity points while making excuses, and it's not very compelling.