Disadvantaged essay

[Mcfoofa]

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Hey guys,

I'm applying to a premed/research internship that is encouraged for students who are socioeconomically disadvantaged or underrepresented. Though I'm an Indian American and my dad attended college, would the following statement qualify me as disadvantaged? And does it convey my condition clearly? Any constructive criticism is appreciated.

"My family immigrated to the US from India. Though my father attended post-secondary school, he flunked out due to a mental disorder, and my mother never attended college. My father has faced criminal charges and lost short-lived jobs due to his disorder, and, while he struggles to find a job, my mother works as a daycare assistant. This places our household income at ~$20,000. With my parents, my two siblings, my two grandparents, and I, we live in a packed, small house of seven people. I’ve received federal assistance for my high school and college education, but I’ve found difficulties finding research experience because my family never had the information to give me. They’ve also pressured me away from independence since I’ve had to take care of them instead of finding potential for my scientific skills. I didn’t let it stop me, though. I emailed several professors when I entered ***** University to find my current research lab."

Thanks.

 

[lazyindy]

http://aspe.hhs.gov/poverty/13poverty.cfm

Yes, in a seven person household the threshold is ~35k per year. So you do in fact qualify as a disadvantaged applicant.

 

[Reckoner]

This places our household income at ~$20,000. With my parents, my two siblings, my two grandparents, and I, we live in a packed, small house of seven people.

Definitely sounds disadvantaged to me. Good luck!

 

[DokterMom]

It should qualify you as disadvantaged though I'd suggest several changes --

• You mention India and college in the first line, which paints the picture you are trying to avoid.
• You say you didn't let it stop you (persistence = good) and that you emailed several professors (you did all that... took what, an hour?) You want to show persistence in the face of adversity? It will take more than a few emails.
  
• Your tone implies contempt for your father rather than compassion, and resentment for the burdens his illness has placed on you and the resulting lack of support and missed opportunities. Change the words: Flunked, mental disorder and pressured me away from independence.

By far, the biggest issue is tone.

 

[knv2u]

It should qualify you as disadvantaged though I'd suggest several changes --

• You mention India and college in the first line, which paints the picture you are trying to avoid.
• You say you didn't let it stop you (persistence = good) and that you emailed several professors (you did all that... took what, an hour?) You want to show persistence in the face of adversity? It will take more than a few emails.
  
• Your tone implies contempt for your father rather than compassion, and resentment for the burdens his illness has placed on you and the resulting lack of support and missed opportunities. Change the words: Flunked, mental disorder and pressured me away from independence.

By far, the biggest issue is tone.

I can't emphasize enough how much I agree with this. The tone undermines the message you [OP] are trying to convey as is.

 

[Mcfoofa]

Thanks for the clarifying. Would you suggest "health issues" in place of "mental disorder"?

"Though my father attended post-secondary school, he dropped out due to a health issues, and my mother never attended college. My father has faced criminal charges and lost short-lived jobs due to his health problems, and my mother works as a daycare assistant. This places our household income at ~$20,000. With my parents, my two siblings, my two grandparents, and I, we live in a packed, small house of seven people. I’ve received federal assistance for my high school and college education. Despite my shortcomings, I worked hard in school and taught myself how to program while developing a keen interest for math and science. I emailed several professors when I entered ****** University to find my current research lab."

 

[meretalking]

Thanks for the clarifying. Would you suggest "health issues" in place of "mental disorder"?

"Though my father attended post-secondary school, he dropped out due to a health issues, and my mother never attended college. My father has faced criminal charges and lost short-lived jobs due to his health problems, and my mother works as a daycare assistant. This places our household income at ~$20,000. With my parents, my two siblings, my two grandparents, and I, we live in a packed, small house of seven people. I’ve received federal assistance for my high school and college education. Despite my shortcomings, I worked hard in school and taught myself how to program while developing a keen interest for math and science. I emailed several professors when I entered ****** University to find my current research lab."

"My parents, two siblings, two grandparents, and I live in a packed, small house of seven people."
Touching up the grammar, though there are other ways to rearrange that sentence.

I would say "I contacted several professors" rather than "emailed."

 

[DokterMom]

I'd suggest "mental illness" (that's what it is) or if you've got a diagnosis like schizophrenia, just say so.

"Dropped out" still carries a judgmental overtone -- I'd say "Disabled by mental illness, my father was not able to finish college, has faced criminal charges and been unable to hold a steady job."

 

[kyamh]

"My parents, two siblings, two grandparents, and I live in a packed, small house of seven people."
Touching up the grammar, though there are other ways to rearrange that sentence.

I would say "I contacted several professors" rather than "emailed."

+1

If you don't take meretalking's rewording, which i think is better, at least change your original sentence:

with my parents [...] and me [...]

 

[Mcfoofa]

Thanks everyone. This is definitely more help than I expected and it's greatly appreciated.

 

[wades]

In fact, since your father never attained a degree I wouldn't even mention anything about going and failing out (to avoid the harsh language/tone issue). It would still be a factual statement that neither parent received a college degree, making you by definition a first generation college student. Oh, and I agree with the others about fixing the overall tone, they have provided great advice. Good Luck!

 

[LizzyM]

OP, much of the information in your essay duplicates information that can be included elsewhere in your application. This is optional but almost everyone completes it:
parents' names, alive (y/n), county of residence, last academic institution attended, occupation, academic attainment (attended HS, graduated HS, attended college, graduated college, etc).
Also you are asked the county & state (or country) where you grew up and whether it was rural, suburban or urban, number of people in the household, average family income, whether you received gov't aid, if you worked before age 18 and if your wages contributed to the household budget. There is also a breakdown by % of how you paid for college: merit aid, need based aid, student loans, other loans, family contribution, your own money, & other (that last category is often used for sports & military scholarships). There is also a spot for the age & sex of each sibling.

So, you might want to keep in mind that you can use your disadvantaged essay to describe how you were put at a disadvantaged going into college due to the hardships you experienced as a kid. Don't use the essay to rehash what is already on the application.