Do you like your classmates ... ?

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persia

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For the most part, I really like my classmates and count myself lucky to have such awesome colleagues. But recently, as I get to know more and more of them, I have found that some are really awful and nasty.

I know that everywhere you go there will be people you like and people you don't like but this is an example of what I mean. Today, a group of us had to be at an off campus meeting for school and a few weeks ago person X had said: sure I'll give you a ride (I don't have a car). Today, I asked person X if he would still be willing to give me lift, because if not I would ask someone else. It would be fine, and he would be happy to give me a ride.

Well, I waited 45 minutes on the front steps of the building where we agreed to meet. At fifteen minutes before the meeting time, I called a cab and so I got there about 15 minutes late - and $25 poorer. When I mentioned I was late to the meeting because my ride didn't show up and I had to call a cab, the person lamely said something like, I was there and didn't see you. I didn't want to wail on them in front of the whole meeting so I said a few sharp words and let it go. But it was clear this $%^ didn't even bother to show up.

So, this is what I mean about really nasty behavior. A few real awful people can really affect the experience and I am thinking it will be hard to feel these people are my 'friends' or whatever. I have lowered my expectations now right down to about zero.

Anyone else have similar experiences? It's hard because we're all working here together, but then really we aren't. I don't know why people do mean things like that and I have been feeling really angry about it ever since. My other buddies in the meeting were pretty decent about it which made me feel better. But still, it's a nasty thing to do to someone.

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f*ck 'em. these are gunners med school is full of them get used to it. they are out to get you.

most important lesson is rely only on yourself. wait till 3rd year and you will see what i mean if you havent already ;)
 
Adopting a cynical attitude now will not help you. Your classmates may offend you, but sometimes it is better to take it in stride. Rarely are people intentionally bad.

There may be people in my class that I have yet to like, or I may never end up liking. I still try to keep an open mind without judging them.
 
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Well, I am more inclined to agree with the first responder because that is often the truth. Once a gunner, always a gunner.

I would definitely LIKE to trust my classmates, but I am finding it increasingly hard to do that. Like I said, some are awesome, but after what happened today, when someone intentionally screwed me over - knowing that they will have to look at my p*ssed off face for the next four years, plus have me tell everyone else about it - well, I am pretty inclined to be cynical.

I really wish it was different, but I think it will always be a pleasant surprise when someone is actually decent from now on. I am inclined to think only of myself first after all this -
 
Dude, relax...not everyone's gonna be your friend -- I think it's statistically impossible;)

I imagine you're a 1st year, and yes, many first years are wrapped up in the whole "I'm a gunner med student attitude." Don't worry, by 4th year everyone's much cooler...
 
Wow, I guess I've been quite lucky. We're broken up into labs of about 30 or so, and there really aren't any obvious gunners in my group. We actually get along quite well, even after nearly two months of first-year hell. Even in the large class, I feel like I'm genuinely surrounded by mostly very nice peeps who have a "we're all in this together" attitude.

Sorry for the crappy situation, persia.
 
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its ok, my school really does suck. Only specific percentage of our class (and no more) are given honors, high pass, etc... so basically no one works together, people give "wrong" answers to other people in the hours before exams, nobody shares materials, and very few people are supportive of each other. honestly, im not really into fighting my way into honors, just hoping for the odd high pass here and there so I have found a small cluster of like-minded people and thats how im surviving.

honestly though, i can't stand some of my classmates... ive had some of them ask me for "help" in anatomy just so they can have me show them stuff, then they treat me like ass afterwards.

but always remember, we are here to be doctors, not to make best friends or find soul mates(at least not most of us...) and, if we develop apprehension about our mates, then we are simply perpetuating the cycle

so just "look both ways before crossing the road" a.k.a. cover your a** and don't GIVE someone the opportunity to screw you over again, but at the same time do whatever you can to have and display an attitude of general acceptance and goodwill (you might as well develop the skill of being able to get along with all types, since as a physician you can't just reject a patient because of personality conflicts)...

g'luck. it sucks. some people compare it to high school. be bigger and it will make you better
 
Persia, just be selective about the people you choose as friends. Getting badly burned by a few nasty people right up front is particularly difficult to handle, since you don't know for sure that the rest of your class is any different. I'm sure you do already know that there are despicable people out there who look really good on paper. You simply had the misfortune to be first person screwed over by that particular one. But really, most of your classmates are good, nice people who are fun and interesting, and not out to gun you down. Just put this behind you and try not to let it affect your interaction with others in your class.

And remember, you have 4 years to get to know the other people in your class. Even if you don't become best buds with the first few people you're thrown together with, you'll eventually form your own network of friends.
 
persia said:
For the most part, I really like my classmates and count myself lucky to have such awesome colleagues. But recently, as I get to know more and more of them, I have found that some are really awful and nasty.

I know that everywhere you go there will be people you like and people you don't like but this is an example of what I mean. Today, a group of us had to be at an off campus meeting for school and a few weeks ago person X had said: sure I'll give you a ride (I don't have a car). Today, I asked person X if he would still be willing to give me lift, because if not I would ask someone else. It would be fine, and he would be happy to give me a ride.

Well, I waited 45 minutes on the front steps of the building where we agreed to meet. At fifteen minutes before the meeting time, I called a cab and so I got there about 15 minutes late - and $25 poorer. When I mentioned I was late to the meeting because my ride didn't show up and I had to call a cab, the person lamely said something like, I was there and didn't see you. I didn't want to wail on them in front of the whole meeting so I said a few sharp words and let it go. But it was clear this $%^ didn't even bother to show up.

So, this is what I mean about really nasty behavior. A few real awful people can really affect the experience and I am thinking it will be hard to feel these people are my 'friends' or whatever. I have lowered my expectations now right down to about zero.

Anyone else have similar experiences? It's hard because we're all working here together, but then really we aren't. I don't know why people do mean things like that and I have been feeling really angry about it ever since. My other buddies in the meeting were pretty decent about it which made me feel better. But still, it's a nasty thing to do to someone.


can i offer a different perspective? perhaps this person is not 'nasty' intentionally as you say, but rather absentminded. as a VERY absentminded person myself, this definitely sounds like something i could have done (i probably would have fessed up, but. . .). i can understand the person making the 'lame excuse' because they were embarrased, wanted to save face, and frankly just scared to say to your face 'i forgot about you- oops'.

now, i realize that this person was at the very least irresponsible, dishonest, and undependable. . .but can you say for sure that it really translates into 'awful', 'mean', and 'nasty'? who knows, maybe that person will come up to you and apologize profusely in a couple of days once they work up the nerve.
 
Yeah I'd be careful writing anyone off only after one screw up. If it happens a second time, that's a different matter.

As for me, I sense a lot of small talk and surface politeness, which is expected when a small group gets together. I agree, that this group need not be your best friends, although it's possible you will find some very good friends in such a group. No one has personally screwed me over, but there is a simmering sense of competition in the group (which no doubt I'm partially guilty of!) and it's a little unnerving. But that's not going to change.

I'd say -- above all respect yourself, and don't allow anyone to interact with you with anything less than a decent level of respect for you. Do the same for those people you interact with. I took a gigantic risk (looking back) by rooming with 2 med students; thankfully we are very personality compatible and it is working out well (not perfect, but we manage). I'm expecting at least 6 months before I get to be good friends with some of my classmates (more than superficially). I hope we don't have honors based on a curve (as opposed to absolute scale), but I haven't yet asked--- if it's curved there'll be no doubt our class cooperativity will decline...

Also, I'm definitely attracted to some of my classmates which goes against the rational advice I thought in my head to avoid dating or being interested in my classmates... but there really seems to be no time to interact with anyone else! No wonder so many doctors end up marrying other doctors, nurses etc!
 
I've liked most of mine, though some are starting to show their true colors now that we've been through one round of tests.
 
Hey, these are great comments about this situation. Thanks everybody for posting. I was really upset, as I guess my first post showed. I agree it was one of those wierd moments in life, and maybe this person just spaced or something? I would have accepted a really big, sincere apology. But unfortunately, this person has not been apologetic when I tried to talk to them about it afterwards privately, he was angry and defensive and told me to 'let it go and move on.' Now, he just seems really angry at me, which is fine because we don't really have any reason to talk to each other.

:rolleyes:

I suppose it was a good wake up call because I had been having a real lovefest with these people and thinking everyone was my bud, or whatever, and they really aren't. We've had our exams and sure, alot of people are not so friendly anymore. We defintitely have people gunning for the honors stuff. But it's ok, it's better I know that now and deal with it upfront.

I think it will take me a few months to make some real friends like someone said, and that in the meantime I can carefully enjoy alot of my classmates on a very superficial level. Like I said, alot of people are really awesome and I am liking that part of it. I hope over four years it sorts itself out. I am willing to learn and grow from these experiences. I think the built in competition part of this process makes it hard sometimes.
 
care bear said:
can i offer a different perspective? perhaps this person is not 'nasty' intentionally as you say, but rather absentminded. as a VERY absentminded person myself, this definitely sounds like something i could have done (i probably would have fessed up, but. . .). i can understand the person making the 'lame excuse' because they were embarrased, wanted to save face, and frankly just scared to say to your face 'i forgot about you- oops'.

now, i realize that this person was at the very least irresponsible, dishonest, and undependable. . .but can you say for sure that it really translates into 'awful', 'mean', and 'nasty'? who knows, maybe that person will come up to you and apologize profusely in a couple of days once they work up the nerve.

I can buy that the classmate was absentminded - I space out sometimes too. But I would have at least offered to cough up half of the cash (at least, if not all the fare) for the cab since it was my fault. I think its only fair...
 
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it's like any group of people you associate with. there will be people you like and there will be people you don't like. it is what it is. when (other than maybe some idealistic, perfectionistic time) has there ever been a large group of people in which you have liked every single person? most likely never. there are definitely people in my class that i would never hang out with. on the other hand, there are people that are some of the most interesting and likeable that i have ever met. expecting to get along with everyone is just unrealistic...
 
I can count on one hand the number of people in my class that aren't gunners, malignant personalities, or religious fanatics and actually are decent people.

It may take a little time, but I guarantee you will eventually be able to determine by sight what someones angle is and know who to avoid/who to befriend.

Good luck, you will need it :thumbup:
 
Here are a couple of tips applicable anywhere, not just med school. First, always assume the worst. Force people to gain your trust, and then never trust them completely. Trust only yourself. Don't depend on others and don't trust people who want to help you. This will make you vulnerable if they are trying to use you. Next watch what people do, not what they say. Finally, never communicate anything personal to anybody in writing. This is very important. Especially emails. They could be used against you.
 
dentite001 said:
Here are a couple of tips applicable anywhere, not just med school. First, always assume the worst. Force people to gain your trust, and then never trust them completely. Trust only yourself. Don't depend on others and don't trust people who want to help you. This will make you vulnerable if they are trying to use you. Next watch what people do, not what they say. Finally, never communicate anything personal to anybody in writing. This is very important. Especially emails. They could be used against you.
That's rough. I'm just not willing to look at people that way. I'll trust until given a reason (or two) not to. If you are confident and self reliant, indiscretions amongst classmates will be little more than irritations. I've been irritated a few times. The people I thought I would be tight with after the first few weeks, are not the ones I've ended up trusting afterall. There a few I had poor first impressions of (mostly due to who they were hanging out with) that ended up being decent people. Keep an open mind........
 
dentite001 said:
Here are a couple of tips applicable anywhere, not just med school. First, always assume the worst. Force people to gain your trust, and then never trust them completely. Trust only yourself. Don't depend on others and don't trust people who want to help you. This will make you vulnerable if they are trying to use you. Next watch what people do, not what they say. Finally, never communicate anything personal to anybody in writing. This is very important. Especially emails. They could be used against you.

Excellent post!!!!!
 
dentite001 said:
Here are a couple of tips applicable anywhere, not just med school. First, always assume the worst. Force people to gain your trust, and then never trust them completely. Trust only yourself. Don't depend on others and don't trust people who want to help you. This will make you vulnerable if they are trying to use you. Next watch what people do, not what they say. Finally, never communicate anything personal to anybody in writing. This is very important. Especially emails. They could be used against you.

tupac_don said:
Excellent post!!!!!

The Glass is Half-Empty - This is a double-edged sword. People can sense when your stand-offish because you don't want to make yourself vulnerable. From experience, this protective mechanism is often misconstrued as the personality trait you're trying to protect against your self! The end result is that the majority of people distance themselves from you using the same protective mechanism you are emphasizing.

The Glass is Half-Full, and I don't Care Mentality - The best bet is to try to walk that thin line. Be honest, truthful and open when asked. If someone is cold and stupid enough to use your own words against you in an act of what can only be called 'gunnerism,' let it flow like water off a ducks back. Put that person on your 'Red-X' list as a dumb-a$$, and move-on in life. At least this way, you don't end up accidently ostracizing yourself from the other well-meaning but 'Glass is Half-Empty' people.

$.02

Regards,

-Salty
 
Well, I feel better seeing all this dialgue about what other people are experiencing or feeling around this topic.

I agree with alot of these comments, and I was noticing that for me (I am a woman), that I have more trouble with the women than with the men in my class. I feel that the men and I aren't really competing for anything because we're so different and so the relationships are pretty awesome. But the women are harder, and I feel that there is a huge competition thing going on. Or else, there's the weird social thing that I don't really understand. I am not a big 'chatter' and I don't feel like I need to have a set circle of buds to cluster around me all the time. I am more like a man, I guess and pretty independent.

Some of the women want to chatter with me in class (and I mean during class ?!), or they want to pour out their personal stories (?!) during lab when I am trying to get my work done. Or they want me to study with them, and I prefer to study by myself. I don't understand this behavior and so I probably have offended some of them when I speak up. So for me, I find the women have these negative entanglements that drive me nuts. Not all the women, but a good handful of them. Maybe similar things are true for the guys, I don't know.

But it sure does take time to find a few good friends ....
 
i agree.. the girls are just awful, but so are they always and everywhere. just like in every group i've ever been in, i get along better with the guys than my fellow females... whatever. I have at least found one girl to hang out with, she is also from out of state like me, so neither of us knew anyone.


good luck with all of it, just try and keep up with all your friends and social circle from before med school. you dont want to only hang out with students anyways...
 
One of the things that bugs me with my classmates is that they always lie about their activities. They always try to downplay their studying and act as they're social butterflies when I know they're not. "hey, what are you doing this weekend?"..."nothing much, relax and go to the football game and my friend is coming to town." They seem to always want to know what you're doing and how far along you with your studies too. they say they want internal medicine or family practice when you know they're gunning for neurosurgery or dermatology. med students are still cutthroat just like when they were premed, except they don't show it as much. are ppl at your school like that?
 
I think that you will find people like that at every medical school where they are downplaying study time and yet gunning. There is a great NPR article about medical school gunners...I think I saw it somewhere in the pre-allo forum...btw the person that did that article is also one of the few medical students that are on that "new" curriculum at Harvard for third year...
 
You are very welcome! of course the folks that really need to listen to it...the gunners are probably never going to listen to this....they are too busy gunning he he.
 
I guess I'm lucky because I absolutely adore my friends in medschool. We're a really tight group, the ones I'm always grouped with in all the subjects because the groups are always alphabetically-based. :)
 
I have definitely met a lot of gunners since starting med school. This jacka$$ is definitely not worth the time/energy/thought you are giving him, imho.
 
My classmates at Tulane are great. There are no gunners, and everyone is nice.
 
crazy250 said:
One of the things that bugs me with my classmates is that they always lie about their activities. They always try to downplay their studying and act as they're social butterflies when I know they're not. "hey, what are you doing this weekend?"..."nothing much, relax and go to the football game and my friend is coming to town." They seem to always want to know what you're doing and how far along you with your studies too. they say they want internal medicine or family practice when you know they're gunning for neurosurgery or dermatology. med students are still cutthroat just like when they were premed, except they don't show it as much. are ppl at your school like that?

Man, not me. I usually say "I sat around my apartment. Im a social introvert and dont like going out. When I do go out, i visit my family."
For the most part tho i do like my classmates. I percieve that several may not care for me, as I dont walk around like i have a corn cob wedged up my rectum.
 
I am also pretty lucky. I think our class culture is very open, and I generally think people are there for the right reasons. There are always people that will get on your nerves and have different views than you, but I can usually always count on someone at my school to help me out if I need something and there are a lot of people willing to share knowledge with the whole class (i.e. posting notes, websites, study guides, etc. etc.)

I have noticed that as the election is getting closer that you find out some people's points of view are way off what mine are...
 
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