Does my personal statement catch you, or is it just like every other ps?

[tranzformer]

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So I have been working on my essay for some time and have gone through more drafts than I would like to think about. I just feel like I need some fresh ideas and opinions. Since you are going through the same thing or already have you might be able to point out some things I have not heard already or thought of. There are so many things that I want to write about, but I picked the ones that have helped me the most in making my decision for becoming a physician and preparing me for that goal. I don't know if I should mention all of the research that I have done, the clubs that I have been a leader of, or having spent every summer until I was 21 at my grandparents in Norway. It is so hard to fit everything into 4500 characters. I would appreciate any advice you could give. Thanks.

 

[Nickelpennykid]

Here is my honest assesment, take it for what it's worth...which could quite possibly be nothing.

You clearly are an articulate and lucid writer, but your essay is plauged with needless melodrama. Your reasons seem genuine for why you want to practice medicine, but throughout the essay, you kill this point. For example, "Watching Dr. Appel ... save a patient who had his buttocks torn off by a hippopotamus, inspired me to serve those in underserved areas and see that opportunities for service are endless." Learning about medical missions and using this as a reason for wanting to be a physician is a great idea, however, you need to present this in a way that doesn't make someone laugh at you when reading it. Remember, adcoms are human beings and even if you aren't BSing (which I don't think you are), you can't write in a way that is going to smell like complete BS. Same goes for your claim that you determined the meaning of life.

Agian, this is just my opinion and in general, its good, but you wanted improvments. This is the only chance (pre-interview) for an adcom to see who you are. You need to talk a little more about you. It's fine to talk about people who inspire you, but after reading this I couldn't distinguish who you were from any other pre-med who loves helping people and wants to save the world. You briefly mention your work with Katrina-recovery, but all you had was that you were inspired by a movie and stories. Talking about your time in Norway would be a great personal touch to the essay. You are off to a good start, but at the end of the essay all I got was the "I want to serve humanity" vibe, which absolutly needs to be there, but it also needs to have a little more about you.

 

[tranzformer]

Here is my honest assesment, take it for what it's worth...which could quite possibly be nothing.

You clearly are an articulate and lucid writer, but your essay is plauged with needless melodrama. Your reasons seem genuine for why you want to practice medicine, but throughout the essay, you kill this point. For example, "Watching Dr. Appel ... save a patient who had his buttocks torn off by a hippopotamus, inspired me to serve those in underserved areas and see that opportunities for service are endless." Learning about medical missions and using this as a reason for wanting to be a physician is a great idea, however, you need to present this in a way that doesn't make someone laugh when reading. Same goes for your claim that you determined the meaning of life.

Agian, this is just my opinion and in general, its good, but you wanted improvments. This is the only chance (pre-interview) for an adcom to see who you are. You need to talk a little more about you. It's fine to talk about people who inspire you, but after reading this I couldn't distinguish who you were from any other pre-med who loves helping people and wants to save the world. You briefly mention your work with Katrina-recovery, but all you had was that you were inspired by a movie and stories. Talking about your time in Norway would be a great personal touch to the essay. You are off to a good start, but at the end of the essay all I got was the "I want to serve humanity" vibe, which absolutly needs to be there, but it also needs to have a little more about you.

Thanks for the comments. Would you recommend cutting out the material about the documentary and just use the story of my relative since they both touch on the same thing? Then use the extra space to write something else about what I have experienced in life? I was just really happy with my opening paragraph. Well back to typing.

 

[Sarikate]

I completely agree with Nickelpennykid. You need more of YOU in there. None of this movie stuff. Take that out entirely. You don't need it. This essay has to be about you and what would make you a fantastic doctor; not so much about the fact that you want to be one. Plenty of people WANT to be doctors but only some have what it takes - do you? You have to show them that you do!

I think what would help you would be to write an outline. What are the major accomplishments in your life that illustrate your interest/ability in becoming a physician? Write 'em all down. Really, really think about them.

 

[Nickelpennykid]

Thanks for the comments. Would you recommend cutting out the material about the documentary and just use the story of my relative since they both touch on the same thing? Then use the extra space to write something else about what I have experienced in life? I was just really happy with my opening paragraph. Well back to typing.

Yes, your first paragraph, no matter how much you like it, was your worst. Take out the whole doccumentry. Streamline the realtive stuff and then talk about your experiences. Remember you want to answer the question of who you are and why you will make a great doctor. If any of these reasons can be traced back to a movie, no matter how compelling it was, you are in trouble.

 

[NontradICUdoc]

Please do not take this the wrong way, I am just being critical and honest.

How does watching TV, reading a book, knowing about your uncle, and building school translate into you wanting to become a Dr.? This is the same thing as saying that you want to become a music teacher after watching Mr. Holland's Opus.

What have YOU done to really know that you want to become a Dr? Did you volunteer in an ER? Did you shadow a Dr.? What did YOU do?

What your essay is telling the adcoms is, I watched shows like ER and House and it really got me thinking, but when I saw shows like True Stories of the ER on TLC, I KNEW then that I wanted to become a doctor. How do you know how you will react to the sight of blood?

What happens to you when you are confronted with picking up body parts from the road? Can you confront a dead body?

How do you KNOW that you can handle it?

I suggest that you think long and hard and get yourself to an ER to volunteer or call your doctor and ask if you can shadow.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way. At least I am not an adcom. Start with Katrina and you experience there, but this is not the end. You need medical experience. Until you get it, I don't think that you will be able to answer the question.

 

[fullefect1]

Ya dude, you really didn't talk about your personal experiences... I would defenietly take out watching a TV show has made you re-born.. I am going to PM you mine, which might give you more of an idea.. not saying mine is the best.. but it is about my experiences in life.

 

[tranzformer]

Please do not take this the wrong way, I am just being critical and honest.

How does watching TV, reading a book, knowing about your uncle, and building school translate into you wanting to become a Dr.? This is the same thing as saying that you want to become a music teacher after watching Mr. Holland's Opus.

What have YOU done to really know that you want to become a Dr? Did you volunteer in an ER? Did you shadow a Dr.? What did YOU do?

What your essay is telling the adcoms is, I watched shows like ER and House and it really got me thinking, but when I saw shows like True Stories of the ER on TLC, I KNEW then that I wanted to become a doctor. How do you know how you will react to the sight of blood?

What happens to you when you are confronted with picking up body parts from the road? Can you confront a dead body?

How do you KNOW that you can handle it?

I suggest that you think long and hard and get yourself to an ER to volunteer or call your doctor and ask if you can shadow.

I hope you don't take it the wrong way. At least I am not an adcom. Start with Katrina and you experience there, but this is not the end. You need medical experience. Until you get it, I don't think that you will be able to answer the question.

Thanks for the comments. I have shadowed multiple doctors (family, rads, pathology, neurosurgery, IR, ER.... even go to scrub up for 2 cases with the neuro guys). But to be honest my heart was set on medicine way before shadowing and volunteering in the hospital; they just helped reaffirm that this is what I really want to do. The reason that I brought up the things about the book is that that is when I truley became interested in medicine. That was just the first drop in the cup. And the video about the medical mission had a huge impact on me and what I want to do. That is why I included it. It wasn't like, "Hey that is cool. I want to do that. I will try to become a doctor and do that one day". It was more like I want to become a doctor and I see an area of medicine that I really have a passion for when I go back and think about what my relative did and other things. So for me the shadowing and hospital volunteering really did get me interested in medicine like the most of you. What I wrote in my essay was how I truely got interested in becoming a physician. I know it is a little out of whack and not the normal manner of describing how I came to love medicine or who I really am, but this is the truth. I see the dangers of using the book and documentary for my essay with coming across as the typical person that watches ER or House. But that was not my intention at all. So now I am really confused what to do. I had an essay that I know wasn't perfect, but it described the major events that shaped me and my goal of entering medicine. So should I change my angle of attack and use the usual hospital volunteer, shadowing, leadership experiences in clubs, and research which the adcoms can read on the application? I was just trying to add events in my life that would be difficult to quantify on the application as impacting my decision for medicine. How do you include the things that impacted me under "extracurricular, volunteer, community service" or "work experience"? It just seems that each person comes to find their calling in medicine in a different way. Maybe I didn't state mine clearly enough, or do I have to do a complete 180?

 

[tranzformer]

Well back to square one.

 

[HemaOncoDoc]

Well back to square one.

Not back to square one. Don't be disheartened. Each and every one of us had to go through seemingly endless editing sessions before we had a final project. We're just offering out our $.02. Take each of the comments with a grain of salt. Inevitably, you're the one that has to defend your essay, so construct it however you deem fit.

There are parts of your essay that are great. I think the comments from SDNers have been pretty consistent. Take the sections that have received positive comments and expand on those. You don't want to jump around to too many topics. It's best to be thorough yet concise. I know, easier said than done, but it's truly a painstaking process that is NOTHING like medical school itself. It will be all worth it. Best of luck!

PS. Show your passion and motivation by examples of exposure to medicine. These unique experiences are more engaging than a book or a tv show.

 

[NontradICUdoc]

Well back to square one.

Relax. This is just your first draft. I went through 6 different essays before I settled on one that worked.

You said you already knew that you wanted to be a doctor before you shadowed or volunteered. Great. Think back when you did these things. Tell a story about what you did when you volunteered or when you shadowed. The essay will take it from there.

Paragraph 1: A story
Paragraph 2: Your feelings about medicine from that point
Paragraph 3: Why do you feel that medicine is right for you
Paragraph 4: Why do you WANT to go into medicine (and DO NOT say, "I want to help people")
Paragraph 5: Wrap it up

See how this goes.

One suggestion that really helped me was to write a journal about ALL of your experiences. Katrina, clubs, shadowing, etc.

Good Luck

 

[tranzformer]

Relax. This is just your first draft. I went through 6 different essays before I settled on one that worked.

Paragraph 1: A story
Paragraph 2: Your feelings about medicine from that point
Paragraph 3: Why do you feel that medicine is right for you
Paragraph 4: Why do you WANT to go into medicine (and DO NOT say, "I want to help people")
Paragraph 5: Wrap it up

See how this goes.

One suggestion that really helped me was to write a journal about ALL of your experiences. Katrina, clubs, shadowing, etc.

Good Luck

Actually this was my 3rd draft, just first one that I posted. Last night I actually switched to a similar format of what you just recommended. So that makes me feel good that someone else thought it would be a good format. 🙂 Below is what I did, and when finished I'll post it again to hear what you guys have to say about it:

Paragraph 1- Intro: Story from my first shadowing experience
Paragraph 2- Development: Expound upon what I learned from shadowing/exposure to medical field
Paragraph 3- living with grandparents in Norway, watch as Grandmother deteriated over several years from multiple strokes
Paragraph 4- community service involvement
Paragraph 5- Conclusion: wrap everything up

I want the theme of my essay to focus around my exposure to the medical field, community service and Norway/watching grandmother's condition worsen over the years. Without reading it, what do you think. 👍 or 👎

The one question that I have is, for the community service I am not sure if I should talk about my time helping after Hurrican Katrina which had a huge impact on my life, but it was only for 5 days. Or when I volunteered in a Big brother program for inner city kids which I did in college my junior and senior year once a week for 3 hours.

 

[NontradICUdoc]

Your focus sounds more improved. The whole Katrina thing, I would leave for the AACOMAS application or for the secondaries.

 

[tranzformer]

Your focus sounds more improved. The whole Katrina thing, I would leave for the AACOMAS application or for the secondaries.

Thank you! That helps a lot.

 

[tranzformer]

Here is my opening paragraph. I worked most of yesterday and today go over my essay multiple times. Adding things. Taking material out. So right now I am going paragraph by paragraph to make sure that they flow and get to the point I want to make about my self. So any opinions on this one?

When I walked into the operating room, the cool air hit my body and sent a shiver up my spine. (Entering the coolness of the operating room sent a shiver up my spine.) "So this is what it looks like," I said to myself not knowing what to expect from (of) the room. Watching the residents and nurses hurrying to get everything ready for the attending made me feel as if I should help, but I had to stay out of their way. Several minutes later Dr. Kazan, the chief neurosurgeon, walked in and asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I said yes, but was confused because I thought we had already scrubbed in by putting on the surgical scrubs and facemask in the locker room. Since this experience as a freshman in high school, I have learned more about (I have fallen in love with) medicine and its practice. This first introduction to medicine is still magical to me in that it began my interest in medicine and serving those in need. Through my exposure to the medical field, living in Norway with my grandparents, and community service, I have been inspired to enter the medical field. I want to give back to society by treating those who are in need, especially those in underserved areas. (especially those who no one else knows about or cares about).

The material that is in bold, is a different way of stating my point and I just couldn't make up my mind what sounded better. So please help me with that as well. I wanted this opening story to be a little funny, to mimick how naive I was at first when I started along this route of being interested in medicine. One more thing, should I write another paragraph going into more detailed aobut this or another shadowing experience that I have had. Or is it better to use that paragraph for something else like leadership experiences?

 

[Nickelpennykid]

Here is my opening paragraph. I worked most of yesterday and today go over my essay multiple times. Adding things. Taking material out. So right now I am going paragraph by paragraph to make sure that they flow and get to the point I want to make about my self. So any opinions on this one?

When I walked into the operating room, the cool air hit my body and sent a shiver up my spine. (Entering the coolness of the operating room sent a shiver up my spine.) “So this is what it looks like,” I said to myself not knowing what to expect from (of) the room. Watching the residents and nurses hurrying to get everything ready for the attending made me feel as if I should help, but I had to stay out of their way. Several minutes later Dr. Kazan, the chief neurosurgeon, walked in and asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I said yes, but was confused because I thought we had already scrubbed in by putting on the surgical scrubs and facemask in the locker room. Since this experience as a freshman in high school, I have learned more about (I have fallen in love with) medicine and its practice. This first introduction to medicine is still magical to me in that it began my interest in medicine and serving those in need. Through my exposure to the medical field, living in Norway with my grandparents, and community service, I have been inspired to enter the medical field. I want to give back to society by treating those who are in need, especially those in underserved areas. (especially those who no one else knows about or cares about).

The material that is in bold, is a different way of stating my point and I just couldn't make up my mind what sounded better. So please help me with that as well. I wanted this opening story to be a little funny, to mimick how naive I was at first when I started along this route of being interested in medicine. One more thing, should I write another paragraph going into more detailed aobut this or another shadowing experience that I have had. Or is it better to use that paragraph for something else like leadership experiences?

This is getting better, but again, I still think you need to eliminate literary descriptions. I am an English major, so it was very difficult not to write a narrative, be concise and get to the point w/o trying to craft a literary short story. But again, IMO, lines like "Entering the coolness of the operating room sent a shiver up my spine," gets a great point across (this experience influenced you to go into medicine), but it does it in the wrong way. This is not a short story. The conversational narrative you have going right now is taking up words, which are in short supply in this format. Here is another example "Watching the residents and nurses hurrying to get everything ready for the attending made me feel as if I should help, but I had to stay out of their way. Several minutes later Dr. Kazan, the chief neurosurgeon, walked in and asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I said yes, but was confused because I thought we had already scrubbed in by putting on the surgical scrubs and facemask in the locker room" WAYYYY TOO LONG.

Think to yourself "who is reading my essay." Adcoms, not literary critics. To answer your other question, you do not need another paragrapgh with more detail about this experience. Talk about somthing new, like leadership.

Don't get frustrated. This is improved from your last effort, IMO. Take out the coversations, summerize them, unless they are crucial to your essay.

 

[tranzformer]

This is getting better, but again, I still think you need to eliminate literary descriptions. I am an English major, so it was very difficult not to write a narrative, be concise and get to the point w/o trying to craft a literary short story. But again, IMO, lines like "Entering the coolness of the operating room sent a shiver up my spine," gets a great point across (this experience influenced you to go into medicine), but it does it in the wrong way. This is not a short story. The conversational narrative you have going right now is taking up words, which are in short supply in this format. Here is another example "Watching the residents and nurses hurrying to get everything ready for the attending made me feel as if I should help, but I had to stay out of their way. Several minutes later Dr. Kazan, the chief neurosurgeon, walked in and asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I said yes, but was confused because I thought we had already scrubbed in by putting on the surgical scrubs and facemask in the locker room" WAYYYY TOO LONG.

Think to yourself "who is reading my essay." Adcoms, not literary critics. To answer your other question, you do not need another paragrapgh with more detail about this experience. Talk about somthing new, like leadership.

Don't get frustrated. This is improved from your last effort, IMO. Take out the coversations, summerize them, unless they are crucial to your essay.

So how do you write an opening paragraph with out loosing the attention of the reader? The adcoms read hundreds of personal statements, so why would I want to sound like every other essay? I hate reading opening statements that are dry. It is hard enough to distinguish myself from all the other applicants as it is. I mean all of us have volunteered, shadowed physicians, had leadership positions, community service... etc. So on this point I disagree about the literary description. I was a history major in undergrad, and I hate to read ps that are just a laundry list of everything the person did. I want my reader to really experience my essay and who I am. I feel like I need an opening like this to keep their attention for the rest of the essay. If I lose them after the first paragraph, I have lost the game.

 

[tranzformer]

So I have a basic outline like this written up:

Paragraph 1- Intro: Story from my first shadowing experience
Paragraph 2- living with grandparents in Norway, watch as Grandmother deteriated over several years from multiple strokes
Paragraph 3- community service involvement
Paragraph 4- Conclusion: wrap everything up

I need one more paragraph and not sure if I should write about my experiences doing research or the leadership roles that I had. What is of most value in light of what I have already included?

 

[Nickelpennykid]

So how do you write an opening paragraph with out loosing the attention of the reader? The adcoms read hundreds of personal statements, so why would I want to sound like every other essay? I hate reading opening statements that are dry. It is hard enough to distinguish myself from all the other applicants as it is. I mean all of us have volunteered, shadowed physicians, had leadership positions, community service... etc. So on this point I disagree about the literary description. I was a history major in undergrad, and I hate to read ps that are just a laundry list of everything the person did. I want my reader to really experience my essay and who I am. I feel like I need an opening like this to keep their attention for the rest of the essay. If I lose them after the first paragraph, I have lost the game.

I understand what you are saying. "Grabbing the attention of the reader" is a gimic that they use to teach people when they learn to write. It is important to do, but not in a dramatic way. No one is going to beleive you when you say that that situation sent a "chill" up your spine. It sounds like you are reaching...stuff out of a bad drug store romance novel. You have unique experiences, just talk about them in a concinse manner. Not a ton of applicants have lived overseas so your stories / experiences are going to be enough to get thier attention. You LOSE thier attention when you say things about the temperature of the operating room and the chill you felt. Keep the dramatics out, but again, just my opinion. If I am not helping you just say so, and I won't comment any more.

 

[NontradICUdoc]

Here is my opening paragraph. I worked most of yesterday and today go over my essay multiple times. Adding things. Taking material out. So right now I am going paragraph by paragraph to make sure that they flow and get to the point I want to make about my self. So any opinions on this one?

When I walked into the operating room, the cool air hit my body and sent a shiver up my spine. (Entering the coolness of the operating room sent a shiver up my spine.) “So this is what it looks like,” I said to myself not knowing what to expect from (of) the room. Watching the residents and nurses hurrying to get everything ready for the attending made me feel as if I should help, but I had to stay out of their way. Several minutes later Dr. Kazan, the chief neurosurgeon, walked in and asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I said yes, but was confused because I thought we had already scrubbed in by putting on the surgical scrubs and facemask in the locker room. Since this experience as a freshman in high school, I have learned more about (I have fallen in love with) medicine and its practice. This first introduction to medicine is still magical to me in that it began my interest in medicine and serving those in need. Through my exposure to the medical field, living in Norway with my grandparents, and community service, I have been inspired to enter the medical field. I want to give back to society by treating those who are in need, especially those in underserved areas. (especially those who no one else knows about or cares about).

The material that is in bold, is a different way of stating my point and I just couldn't make up my mind what sounded better. So please help me with that as well. I wanted this opening story to be a little funny, to mimick how naive I was at first when I started along this route of being interested in medicine. One more thing, should I write another paragraph going into more detailed aobut this or another shadowing experience that I have had. Or is it better to use that paragraph for something else like leadership experiences?

When I walked into the operating room the bustle that was in the room was hypnotizing. And this even before anything really happened. I was a bit confused when Dr. ZZ asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I though he already did. When I saw the operation...

 

[tranzformer]

I understand what you are saying. "Grabbing the attention of the reader" is a gimic that they use to teach people when they learn to write. It is important to do, but not in a dramatic way. No one is going to beleive you when you say that that situation sent a "chill" up your spine. It sounds like you are reaching...stuff out of a bad drug store romance novel. You have unique experiences, just talk about them in a concinse manner. Not a ton of applicants have lived overseas so your stories / experiences are going to be enough to get thier attention. You LOSE thier attention when you say things about the temperature of the operating room and the chill you felt. Keep the dramatics out, but again, just my opinion. If I am not helping you just say so, and I won't comment any more.

No, you are helpful. Thank you. I am just trying to explain the angle that I am coming from.

 

[Thunderstorming]

When I walked into the operating room, the cool air hit my body and sent a shiver up my spine. (Entering the coolness of the operating room sent a shiver up my spine.) “So this is what it looks like,” I said to myself not knowing what to expect from (of) the room. Watching the residents and nurses hurrying to get everything ready for the attending made me feel as if I should help, but I had to stay out of their way. Several minutes later Dr. Kazan, the chief neurosurgeon, walked in and asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I said yes, but was confused because I thought we had already scrubbed in by putting on the surgical scrubs and facemask in the locker room. Since this experience as a freshman in high school, I have learned more about (I have fallen in love with) medicine and its practice. This first introduction to medicine is still magical to me in that it began my interest in medicine and serving those in need. Through my exposure to the medical field, living in Norway with my grandparents, and community service, I have been inspired to enter the medical field. I want to give back to society by treating those who are in need, especially those in underserved areas. (especially those who no one else knows about or cares about).



I think it's ok to grab attention with a dramatic narrative-like opening line, but you have to keep it brief and turn it into a relevant example. All the stuff between the first sentence and "Since this experience as a freshman..." doesn't say anything important about you or the experience. I think the reason it turns readers off is cause it entices us as if something substantial will follow but doesn't live up to the promise. What specifically did you see, other than learning how to scrub, that impacted you so deeply? My impression as a reader is that right now you know it impacted you (and I believe it did), but you really couldn't say how, if an adcom asked you. You have to know the answer. The journalling idea was a great suggestion for helping you to figure those things out.

Also there's a lot of wordiness/repetition. You can free up valuable space by tightening it up, one line at a time. E.g., why waste space naming Dr. Kazan rather than just saying the chief neurosurgeon. Also, in three of the ending sentences, you mention (albeit worded slightly differently each time) being inspired to enter medicine. Doesn't need said three times.

And I don't mean it harshly--I slashed my essay from two pages down to one paragraph and rebuilt it, several times. I think you have excellent experiences to talk about (I haven't seen the whole essay, but from the comments above, it sounds like you've done some super cool stuff), but you're not getting deep enough, personal enough. Stop thinking in terms of cliches (as in the last sentence of the intro). Either ditch that sentence, or tell us instead, what does it look like in your life to want to serve the needy?

Please don't be discouraged. I do, as a reader, get the feeling that you're sincere and enthusiastic, and your heart's in the right place. That is important, and it will continue to surface in all your drafts. I also think you do have the writing skills to communicate the significance behind these experiences, once you figure them out more clearly for yourself. Hope this helps ~

 

[tranzformer]

When I walked into the operating room the bustle that was in the room was hypnotizing. And this even before anything really happened. I was a bit confused when Dr. ZZ asked me if I wanted to see him scrub in. I though he already did. When I saw the operation...

That is very helpful, thanks.

 

[tranzformer]

And I don't mean it harshly--I slashed my essay from two pages down to one paragraph and rebuilt it, several times. I think you have excellent experiences to talk about (I haven't seen the whole essay, but from the comments above, it sounds like you've done some super cool stuff), but you're not getting deep enough, personal enough. Stop thinking in terms of cliches (as in the last sentence of the intro). Either ditch that sentence, or tell us instead, what does it look like in your life to want to serve the needy?

Please don't be discouraged. I do, as a reader, get the feeling that you're sincere and enthusiastic, and your heart's in the right place. That is important, and it will continue to surface in all your drafts. I also think you do have the writing skills to communicate the significance behind these experiences, once you figure them out more clearly for yourself. Hope this helps ~

Thunderstorming, thank you for your reply. It was very encouraging. I realize that this essay needs more work, but I wonder what I need to keep and how to state it. Do I really want to say something like I was a leader in X club and I learned X,Y, and Z skills that will help me to be a better doctor? Maybe I should scrap the story about watching the brain surgery and use another shadowing experience that I had with a family physician, which would be more personal and I could talk about what I learned by watching him interact with his patients? Is it wise to start with some story of shadowing and what you learned from that experience, and then how the things you have done in your life have prepared you for that?

 

[NontradICUdoc]

That is very helpful, thanks.

You want your opening paragraph to make the reader WANT to read more.

 

[DblHelix]

No man, definitly keep the opening about watching the brain surgery, but as has been said before, say why this was such a great experience.

"The thought of seeing a living brain sent shivers down my spine. All I could think was 'dont pass out.' Yet, as i watched the operation, i wasn't disgusted but fascinated and enthralled by the human body."

I mean this isn't really well written but you get the idea. Give a specific reason why this shadowing experience helped you realize being a doctor is what you want to do. Make it more meaningful. G'luck

 

[tranzformer]

Well after working on my opening I have been able to make it more concise and it seems to flow much better. I was wondering if I could get some comments on it. I still don't know what to do with the last sentence. It sounds a little cheesy and I really don't know how to re-phrase it. Any ideas?

Watching my first surgery excited me. I had anticipated it to be bloody and worried about passing out. However watching the grace and beauty of brain surgery as Dr. Kazan operated on an acoustic neuroma, fascinated me. I was intrigued by the human body and what modern medicine could accomplish. This experience in high school marked the beginning of my interest in medicine and serving those in need. Since then, I have learned more about medicine and its practice. Through my exposure to the medical field, living in Norway with my grandparents, and community service, I have been inspired to enter the medical field. I want to give back to society by treating those who are in need, especially those in underserved areas. (I have learned more about medicine and its practice through my exposure to the medical field, living in Norway with my grandparents, and community service. I am inspired to enter medicine and give back to society by treating those in underserved areas.)

 

[tranzformer]

Any comments?

 

[NontradICUdoc]

Any comments?

It is still not catchy enough, for me. You have too many things going on here.

Try telling the story about the surgery. How were you able to see it? What did you do in the OR? What did you do afterwards?

 

[tranzformer]

It is still not catchy enough, for me. You have too many things going on here.

Try telling the story about the surgery. How were you able to see it? What did you do in the OR? What did you do afterwards?

This is just the introduction. The details about my shadowing experience will come in the next paragraph. Don't want to make the intro long. The only things going on in my intro are introducing how I first became interested in medicine (through shadowing), when this happened (high school), what it was that fascinated me (the brain surgery), what I have done to make sure I want to be a physician and how I have prepared myself (medical exposure, other culture/wathing a love one deteriorate, and community service). This intro is just setting up the rest of my essay.

 

[NontradICUdoc]

This is just the introduction. The details about my shadowing experience will come in the next paragraph. Don't want to make the intro long. The only things going on in my intro are introducing how I first became interested in medicine (through shadowing), when this happened (high school), what it was that fascinated me (the brain surgery), what I have done to make sure I want to be a physician and how I have prepared myself (medical exposure, other culture/wathing a love one deteriorate, and community service). This intro is just setting up the rest of my essay.

But you are not writing an essay where you have to make your points early on and then defend them in the body of the essay. You sound like you are bit confused about that.

You are trying to tell someone who has never met you, why you want to become a doctor. You need to tell them a story. Do you remember in grade school where you had a creative writing assignment? Same thing, just non-fiction.

You are essentially writing an autobiography and not defending a view point. You need to grab the reader.

Check out this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Essays-Medica...=pd_bbs_2/104-1481333-7295116?ie=UTF8&s=books

Unless you are applying for this year, I suggest you put your pencil down and read this book and do what it suggests.

 

[HarveyCushing]

The truth of whether the adcom likes your PS statement depends on who reads it. Even within the school, this can vary. That is where luck comes in. You will never be able to please everyone who reads it, as this thread has shown. All you can do is represent yourself the best you can and hope for the best.

 

[jelliott]

Sorry to have to ask this, but can someone explain how to even view the Personal Statement??? Please forgive me, still pretty new here.