Dumped and need advice (trust me, it is medical school related)

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yyd

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yyd said:
Ok, here is my "great" situation. I got accepted to a fantastic medical school (my first choice), but deferred for a year in part because I needed more time to complete my PhD and in part because my husband and I talked about starting a family during my deferral time. For the past year he and I lived in different cities, and the plan was that I'd join him in a few months from now when I graduate. I considered myself fortunate to be accepted at a medical school in the same city where he now has a job (he got it last April), and the future was looking pretty bright. Then all of a sudden (well, at least for me) he tells me that the marriage is over (we've been married for 4 years). Not only this leaves me in a financial crumble that my lawer will have to sort out (I counted on my husband's support while in medical school), but if I go there I'd have to see him probably on a daily basis. He works for the medical center and frequents the cafeteria for medical students. Knowing now that he already has another relationship ligned up (and in fact had it for a year while I was in the application process) does not make it any easier.

I contacted the school which granted me deferral, explained the situation and asked for a permission to apply elsewhere. Basically, they will keep a spot for me in case I choose to attend, but I am free to send my application anywhere else. I was supposed to file new AMCAS anyway as a deferred applicant, so the timing is good. But my concern is what would I say at the interview (if I get any) at other schools? Do you guys think applying to other schools is a waste of time and I should just stick to the one acceptance I have?

Thanks a lot
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I'm not sure anyone can give you advice because only you know how uncomfortable it might be at the current acceptance school.
As for the breakup, be thankful that it occurred before the MD, because if he had in fact "supported you" through your med school, under some state laws, he would be entitled to a portion of your MD earnings as alimony. (This case comes up often when male doctors ditch their prior wives for trophy wives once they complete their training).
 
I'm really sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how it must feel. You have nothing to lose by applying to other schools this year, it could only be a win-win situation...you still keep your spot at the defered school and have the potential to be accepted elsewhere.
 
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What a horrible person he is :(

I have no clue what I would do, but I'd probably stick with your current school IF you will be happy there with him being there and him being a horrible person and all that. It will save you money.
 
Wow. That sucks.

Honestly, though. As much as it hurts now, it will probably get better. You'll likely be able to stand seeing his face at some point.

If this school truly was your top choice, I wouldn't give that up just to avoid one person. Reapplication is a long and expensive process, I wouldn't want to try that while going through a divorce.

I'd take what you've got, enjoy this fantastic school, find success and rub it in his face.
 
I had friends go through this. It is hard and painful the first year, but after that they pick up and go on and everyone ended better off. One friend ended up two years later with a wonderful spouse that she has been with for 10 years.
 
Depakote said:
Wow. That sucks.

Honestly, though. As much as it hurts now, it will probably get better. You'll likely be able to stand seeing his face at some point.

If this school truly was your top choice, I wouldn't give that up just to avoid one person. Reapplication is a long and expensive process, I wouldn't want to try that while going through a divorce.

I'd take what you've got, enjoy this fantastic school, find success and rub it in his face.
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My condolences. I'd go with Depakote's advice, minus the rubbing it in his face part (remember, the best success is living well :^)
 
I am married now (just married) and this next year my husband and I will have a long distance relationship (he's going overseas to Iraq)....so reading your post made every fear that I have surface....anyways, like Law2Doc said, only you can make this decision because you know how uncomfortable the situation is. Given that he already has another SO, I'm sure it makes things very uncomfortable for you. *IF* it were *me,* I would re-apply and see what happens...if the situation gets better, you have an acceptance to your first choice school...if it just gets worse with all the legal/divorce issues, then your first choice might not be your first choice anymore and at least you have a chance at having other options.

Just my 2 cents....
 
Hi, sorry about your situation :(. If I were you, I wouldn't reapply. Although you run the chance of seeing your ex at school, you still can try to avoid it as much as possible and eventually, I think you'll become more comfortable about it. Obviously right now you don't want to see him at all, but as time passes, it won't be as bad as you think. It just seems like it would be more worth your time (and money) to avoid having to reapply. Good luck!
 
Wow, I cannot begin to imagine what you're going through right now. This guys sounds like an even bigger loser than my ex-bf!

I completely understand your not wanting to be around him during medical school, I say go ahead and reapply. You have nothing to lose but the application fees.
 
what you do.. is you become friends with all the med students, let them know about what a dirtbag he is, and see if he "frequents the cafeteria for medical students" ever again.


and yes, rub as much as u can in his face. stay strong :thumbup:
 
Be very thankful that you guys hadn't started a family before this had happened. Just imagine what kind of trouble you would be in right now if you had a new infant and were planning on going to med school next year.... (I've thought about this some because I have two young children and couldn't imagine what I would have to do if something happened to my hubby while I was in med school)
If the med school you applied at was your favorite because of convenience (your hubby lived and worked there at that city) then reapply,
if it was your favorite because its a great schoool, then I'd go to the school. You can avoid him if you need to (unless hes a prof or something).
 
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I'm so very sorry to hear what's happened. This may or may not help (I sincerely hope it doesn't offend), but please know that you'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

I can certainly understand why you wouldn't want to attend school there, and I think there's not a thing in the world wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with wanting to stick it out at your first choice, either. I think you should do whatever makes you the most comfortable at this time, because only you can know what you need to get through this. However, do consider the finances and stress of reapplying as other posters have mentioned. You might want to take steps to make sure you have the money and emotional energy stored up for the process. As for answering "Why?", I think it might be a good idea to just tell them the truth: "An extremely difficult personal situation has made attending school X a less viable option. School X was understanding of my situation and supported my decision to apply elsewhere." You don't have to go into more detail than that; it's private.

Whatever you decide, I hope that good things are ahead for you. Take care.
 
jace's mom said:
As for answering "Why?", I think it might be a good idea to just tell them the truth: "An extremely difficult personal situation has made attending school X a less viable option. School X was understanding of my situation and supported my decision to apply elsewhere." You don't have to go into more detail than that; it's private.
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I can't imagine an interview where that doesn't result in follow-up questions. You don't want to put yourself into a "I refuse to answer - it's private" position -- that always comes off bad.
 
If you only wanted that school because he had a job there, I say totally reapply. Maybe you'll find a school that fits you better, or maybe you won't and you'll end up there, spread the word around that he's a tool and ruin the dating scene for him for at least 4 years.

Good luck!!
 
yyd said:
Ok, here is my "great" situation. I got accepted to a fantastic medical school (my first choice), but deferred for a year in part because I needed more time to complete my PhD and in part because my husband and I talked about starting a family during my deferral time. For the past year he and I lived in different cities, and the plan was that I'd join him in a few months from now when I graduate. I considered myself fortunate to be accepted at a medical school in the same city where he now has a job (he got it last April), and the future was looking pretty bright. Then all of a sudden (well, at least for me) he tells me that the marriage is over (we've been married for 4 years). Not only this leaves me in a financial crumble that my lawer will have to sort out (I counted on my husband's support while in medical school), but if I go there I'd have to see him probably on a daily basis. He works for the medical center and frequents the cafeteria for medical students. Knowing now that he already has another relationship ligned up (and in fact had it for a year while I was in the application process) does not make it any easier.

I contacted the school which granted me deferral, explained the situation and asked for a permission to apply elsewhere. Basically, they will keep a spot for me in case I choose to attend, but I am free to send my application anywhere else. I was supposed to file new AMCAS anyway as a deferred applicant, so the timing is good. But my concern is what would I say at the interview (if I get any) at other schools? Do you guys think applying to other schools is a waste of time and I should just stick to the one acceptance I have?

Thanks a lot
Click to expand...

Wow. You know what? How will you feel in a few years if you go somewhere else knowing that your ex kept you from your dream school? F him. Seriously. You got into school there, you should go. He is the one who should think about it, not you. You didn't cause this. You didn't ask for this. As long as he is not affiliated with the med school, like, not an attending or anything, you should be able to avoid him. Like you want to eat in the cafeteria anyway. Bring your lunch. Eat at other places. If all you're concerned about is seeing him at lunch and occasionally on campus, whatever. You're going to be a doctor.

Applying, as you know, is a huge pain in the @ss. Don't delay your future ANOTHER year because of this guy. Moving forward will help keep you busy too.
 
yyd said:
Ok, here is my "great" situation. I got accepted to a fantastic medical school (my first choice), but deferred for a year in part because I needed more time to complete my PhD and in part because my husband and I talked about starting a family during my deferral time. For the past year he and I lived in different cities, and the plan was that I'd join him in a few months from now when I graduate. I considered myself fortunate to be accepted at a medical school in the same city where he now has a job (he got it last April), and the future was looking pretty bright. Then all of a sudden (well, at least for me) he tells me that the marriage is over (we've been married for 4 years). Not only this leaves me in a financial crumble that my lawer will have to sort out (I counted on my husband's support while in medical school), but if I go there I'd have to see him probably on a daily basis. He works for the medical center and frequents the cafeteria for medical students. Knowing now that he already has another relationship ligned up (and in fact had it for a year while I was in the application process) does not make it any easier.

I contacted the school which granted me deferral, explained the situation and asked for a permission to apply elsewhere. Basically, they will keep a spot for me in case I choose to attend, but I am free to send my application anywhere else. I was supposed to file new AMCAS anyway as a deferred applicant, so the timing is good. But my concern is what would I say at the interview (if I get any) at other schools? Do you guys think applying to other schools is a waste of time and I should just stick to the one acceptance I have?

Thanks a lot
Click to expand...


Dont let him ruine the acceptance to your top choice school. It's clear that hes done a good job ruining other important things for you. If you intended to go there, I think you should and you shouldnt let him take anything else away from you - Nick
 
Law2Doc said:
I can't imagine an interview where that doesn't result in follow-up questions. You don't want to put yourself into a "I refuse to answer - it's private" position -- that always comes off bad.
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Yes, I had wondered about that. What about a follow-up of "My husband and I are getting a divorce, and if I attended school X he and I would have to see each other on a daily basis because he works there. It's a difficult and uncomfortable situation for both of us." (I'm really only worried about our yyd, but it sounds better as if we care about cheating louse as well.)

What do you think? I really think some version of the truth is the best answer, because to me it is a legitimate reason to look elsewhere. School X seems to be understanding about it, and I think at least some interviewers will be as well. I mean - divorce is personal, and it hurts, and I think many interviewers will 'get' that.
 
That is indeed a really crappy situation, and I am sorry you are having to go through all of this at what is probably already a stressful time in your life. Your (ex)husband is an a-hole! Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him see what an impact this has had on you! I know it will be difficult for you, but time has amazing healing power. Find strength in the fact that you are able to pursue your dream at your dream school!

As for rubbing it in his face - your ability to seem unaffected by this and continue on to a succesful career...all right before his eyes...will be sufficient.

I say don't reapply. Why create more work for yourself right now? And, do you think you will be in the right frame of mind come interview time? You may not be happy with the results on the other end. Then you will have lost your husband and your dream.
 
Hi there,
Your first sentence illustrates one of the major aspects that should go into your decision-making. Before your husband informed you that your marriage was over, the medical school that accepted you was "fantastic" and your "first choice". Now, because of your husband, you have changed your mind because he "frequents" the cafeteria?

If you still want to attend this school, I would not allow your husband to interfere with your career any more than he already has. I would not be a double victim in the sense that he takes away something that was previously important to you and YOUR career.

Sure, it is important to go thorough a grieving process when ending a long-term relationship especially a marriage. The fact that you ARE going through this process should make you think twice about making any major changes that could affect your or your career forever. Do anything that you can to come to terms with the new changes in your life. Be totally sure that you want to leave this school, not because of your soon to be ex-husband, but because the school just isn't right for YOUR career.

In time, nothing that your soon to be ex-husband does will make much of a difference to you but changing your medical school could be a life-altering event. What happens if your soon to be ex-husband decides that he wants to frequent the cafeteria of your newly selected medical school?

One of the nice things about medicine and medical school is that you can immerse yourself in the process and use the disappointment in one aspect of your life to spur you to higher achievement in medical school. If you find that you just cannot concentrate on anything other than the end of your marriage, then you need more time before you attend ANY medical school.

Do what you can to take care of yourself emotionally but be very wary of making any life-altering decisions while you are in this highly emotional state. Just by the nature of divorce, you are going to have to deal with your soon to be ex-husband on a business level until your marriage is dissolved. Do you want to be interrupting your studies to travel out of town to deal with your legal matters on a regular basis? Again, vengeful ex-spouses can use the legal system to sabotage you by just taking up your precious time. At least if you are in the same city, these legal interruptions would be minimial.

Again, do what YOU WANT to do and do not figure your soon to be ex-husband in anything. The quicker you get him out of your life legally, the better so that you can move on and find closure. Your future is still bright and often "when a door closes a window opens". It's difficult to think about life beyond this point but you will live on and "living well is the best revenge".

Good luck and give yourself some time to work things out in your mind.
njbmd :)
 
I'm going to agree with the majority here. There's an old saying that goes something like this.......

Success is the best form of revenge. Its going to be hard now, but later on down the road when you find someone better you'll be happier in the long run.

I can tell you this from what I've witnessed with older friends of mine who felt the same way after their first marriage ended but now are not regretting it a bit as they've found someone else who treats them better.
 
If the school is your first choice, then go there. You'll be so darn busy in med school you won't see him anyway, and be grateful for the lack of distraction.

And, as one who got divorced several years ago (before children) - it's tough. It sucks. You *will* get through it and be a better person. And hopefully he'll be stuck where he's at thinking he's happy while you learn, grow, and become a better person leaving him in the dust where he belongs. Doesn't mean you didn't love him, doesn't mean he wasn't a nice guy, doesn't mean you don't wish him the best. It just means you are BETTER THAN THAT and you deserve more from life. (we need a hug icon) :)
 
I would tell them the truth, when asked about it. That you think you need a change of scene to start your new life, and that this happened after your were already accepted in your previous homebase. And I'm terribly sorry you're going through this sort of pain. Sounds awful.
 
If for academic and professional reasons this school is your top choice, I think shallowing your uncomfortableness and sticking it out is the more professional way to go. It will hurt seeing him, I am sure. It will suck, and then suck some more. However what other people have said is right, why let this one person ruin for you what was your top choice school?

However, if it was your top choice not because of academics but because of location, then I would consider reapplying. This way your answer to the question as to why you are applying to other schools is not 'Because I wish to avoid my ex', but becomes 'Upon my divorce, I reconsidered my priorities, though my first school is an excellent school, I have found that your school matches these specifics details of my criteria better than the other school.'

I hope this helps, and I am sorry you are going through such a trying time.
 
dopaminesurge said:
I would tell them the truth, when asked about it. That you think you need a change of scene to start your new life, and that this happened after your were already accepted in your previous homebase. And I'm terribly sorry you're going through this sort of pain. Sounds awful.
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The only caution with telling the whole truth is the fact that most of these people are older and have already been through major heartbreak. Most will want to see that if you start a relationship with a fellow med student or resident and it goes sour you won't try to skip out on that situation as well. As it turns out, seeing or not seeing the other person doesn't necessarily help. When you are far away from him, you'll wonder what he's doing and possibly even fantasize that he is a better person than he is. When you see him around, you know he is the same jerk and not worth your time. If he has any decency he should start avoiding the areas where he might run into you, anyway. If you are finishing your PhD anyway, then I guess you might as well reapply, but keep these things in mind.

If asked, I would not say that I couldn't bear to see him, I would say that I originally chose the school largely because of my husband, and now that he has decided to divorce me, there is no second income and no geographic constraints to consider, I feel that I am now more free to explore other options, and <current school> has kindly supported this.

Finally, I wanted to add that this is great timing! Many people meet their SO in med school, and you are now fresh meat! ;)
 
thes_hunter said:
If for academic and professional reasons this school is your top choice, I think shallowing your uncomfortableness and sticking it out is the more professional way to go. It will hurt seeing him, I am sure. It will suck, and then suck some more. However what other people have said is right, why let this one person ruin for you what was your top choice school?

However, if it was your top choice not because of academics but because of location, then I would consider reapplying. This way your answer to the question as to why you are applying to other schools is not 'Because I wish to avoid my ex', but becomes 'Upon my divorce, I reconsidered my priorities, though my first school is an excellent school, I have found that your school matches these specifics details of my criteria better than the other school.'

I hope this helps, and I am sorry you are going through such a trying time.
Click to expand...

Jinx! We were thinking the same thing at the same time! :laugh:
 
Robizzle said:
what you do.. is you become friends with all the med students, let them know about what a dirtbag he is, and see if he "frequents the cafeteria for medical students" ever again.


and yes, rub as much as u can in his face. stay strong :thumbup:
Click to expand...


i don't know why, i love this solution, even though it seems kinda petty and doesn't really give any sense of closure.

your school seems really understanding of your situtation which to me, reflects how they care about their students. i think it would be bad to give up your first choice school just because your dingus ex works there. in that year of deferrment, you could potentially meet someone else, or just get over him and by the time school rolls around, he will already have meant nothing to you. i agree with talking to your peers about him, but not to antagonize his dating habits, just to warn your friends about not falling for him.


edit: oops, didn't read your last post about you applying in a narrow geographic region.
 
how crappy, what a douchebag. Whenever I hear stories like this I always think of that song "Popular" by ahh i forget the artist, back in the early-mid 90s. 1 year affair = BS.
 
Don't let your ex steal this from you. You EARNED a spot in that school. Hold your head high, make sure you go to school looking DAMN good (again, best revenge is to show off that the idiot ex of yours gave up a total hot MD to be).

Don't let him dictate where you go and don't go while on campus. Yes, it will be a bit uncomfortable for you when you see each other - but it should be even MORE uncomfortable for him because he is the cause of it all. I wouldn't be surprised if he just stayed out of your way and quit going to the cafeteria.

Oh - and WRT the money issue... if he has a great job, and has been cheating on you behind your back AND you don't have some horrid pre-nup - make him an offer without the lawyers (save you both tens of thousands of dollars). Tell him for 1/2 of all you acquired while married and 15% of his income for the next four years, you will sign off on the divorce.

You can get plenty of student loans to make up the difference. Good luck~!
 
SeventhSon said:
how crappy, what a douchebag. Whenever I hear stories like this I always think of that song "Popular" by ahh i forget the artist, back in the early-mid 90s. 1 year affair = BS.
Click to expand...
Artist is Nada Surf :thumbup: good song.
 
DiFranco said:
My condolences. I'd go with Depakote's advice, minus the rubbing it in his face part (remember, the best success is living well :^)
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yeah right :D
 
yyd said:
Hi all,

After reading through all the posts and doing some serious thinking, I decided not to apply anywhere else. It is just not worth it. It took a lot of work to get to the point where I am at now, and I am better off saving my energy for something more important than another admissions game. Such as finishing up my PhD and moving on.
Thanks for helping me make a right decision.
Click to expand...

you go girl.
 
Good stuff. The advice offered here is great and I think you are doing the right thing by making your stand if the school is your FIRST choice for nonpersonal reasons. Besides, you'll be busy with a new crowd of people and spending most of your time the first two years in lecture halls and labs....would you even have much time to see your ex? Personally, the best revenge is showcasing your success in front of your ex. Be the best doc you can be, find a nice guy who will not ditch you and make him regret his decision. :D
 
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