Family support when deciding to pursue military medicine?

[Groove]

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I'd like some candid insight in to how supportive your wife/husband has been of your decision to pursue military medicine and what effect it's had on your relationship?

I'm currently finishing an EM residency and have wanted to serve in some capacity ever since medical school. It's not for the financial incentives, though there are some nice perks, but I just feel that it's something I'll always regret if I don't do it. I've looked at Army Reserves and National Guard. It's something I feel pretty strongly about, but is a very sore subject between myself and my wife. She just does not support me on this and feels that I'm sacrificing our marriage and future family for military service, even if it's in not nearly the same capacity as a full service military physician would be. I was just curious as to whether anyone else has had the same experience, and what effect it had on your personal life, as in your family life?

Thanks in advance.

 

[DrMetal]

I'd like some candid insight in to how supportive your wife/husband has been of your decision to pursue military medicine and what effect it's had on your relationship?

I'm currently finishing an EM residency and have wanted to serve in some capacity ever since medical school. It's not for the financial incentives, though there are some nice perks, but I just feel that it's something I'll always regret if I don't do it. I've looked at Army Reserves and National Guard. It's something I feel pretty strongly about, but is a very sore subject between myself and my wife. She just does not support me on this and feels that I'm sacrificing our marriage and future family for military service, even if it's in not nearly the same capacity as a full service military physician would be. I was just curious as to whether anyone else has had the same experience, and what effect it had on your personal life, as in your family life?

Thanks in advance.

You're correct in that being a reservist does not equate to that same amount of service that a full-time active duty member puts in, however . . . being a reservist can still be a very significant commitment. You've gotta work 1 weekend/month + 2 wks/year (=60 days of service/year), and you're likely to deploy overseas at least once per every 2-3 year block of service. The length of that deployment varies, but they usually run from 6 to 12 months (some deployments are shorter, ~3 months, some longer, ~15 months).

How adamantly is your wife against this? Are we talking raging fights here, throwing stuff at each other, or just a conversational disagreement? If she's really that against it, I'd suggest not doing it. Military life is hard on marriages, especially those involving dissenting spouses.

 

[Galo]

I agree.

If this is a big issue for your wife, then don't do it unless you want an unhappy marriage followed by divorce. Why is she so against it. Has she read these forums? If you think her reasons are unfounded, have her read through the forum for some real sane reasons.

 

[IgD]

Here is the thing about military life with respect to families. You will be deployed on a short notice anywhere from a few weeks to a few months to an entire year. When this happens it will cause a disruption in your family and job.

If you are on active duty, the military unilaterally controls your geographic location and work hours. They even can send you for brief "unaccompanied" assignments. If your spouse has a good job, the reassignment process can disrupt this. You can express a preference where you want to work but in the end the needs of the military come first.

I've seen all kinds of scenarios where families thrived, spouses got closer and also the opposite where things ended in divorce. I think the main thing is you have to have good communication. Your spouse and kids are also serving in the military although they don't wear a uniform. It's important to have their support.

 

[Groove]

Thanks guys... I'll just have to think this one over some more. She's primarily unsupportive of the idea of me being gone for prolonged periods of time and considers that an act of "sacrificing our marriage" for "service to the country", hence is very unsupportive of the idea. She wouldn't divorce me for it, but it would definitely strain our relationship. We'll see... Thanks.

 

[IgD]

Thanks guys... I'll just have to think this one over some more. She's primarily unsupportive of the idea of me being gone for prolonged periods of time and considers that an act of "sacrificing our marriage" for "service to the country", hence is very unsupportive of the idea. She wouldn't divorce me for it, but it would definitely strain our relationship. We'll see... Thanks.

Do you guys have any friends who are active or prior military? Maybe if she talked to a military spouse she could get a better sense of what it is like so she can make the best decision.

 

[pgg]

You might consider looking for a contractor position for a US military hospital if you want to serve the troops in some way.

Though as an EM doc odds are that such a position would be unchallenging and unsatisfying because most military ERs are glorified urgent care clinics. This is something to think about if you joined, too, because you won't spend all your time deployed treating combat casualties. Most of your time will be spent in one of those glorified UCCs.

 

[MrBurns10]

I just wanted to post for the OP that my husband and I are kind of in a similar situation, only my husband is the one that really wants to serve (in the AF) and I'm the "dissenting" spouse. There's actually a significant part of me that would love for him to do it...I'd be very proud of him, I've always found the military fascinating (I had actually thought about joining several years ago), and it could be fun to try a new part of the country/world for a few years.

My reservations can be boiled down to three things: deployments, deployments, and deployments. First, I would worry about his safety. I realize being a doctor in the military is not the same as an infantryman, but it's also not without its fair share of risks. And second, 6 months to 1 year is an incredibly long time to spend without your partner, especially if you have young children...which we don't yet but hope to have when he would join (in 3-4 yrs after residency/fellowship). Call it selfish if you will, but it is what it is.

If I could have a promise that he wouldn't be deployed for more than 3 months, that he would be safe if/when he were deployed, and that we wouldn't have to move to someplace where I'd be absolutely miserable, than I'd be happy to do it. But obviously none of these assurances is possible, which leads us to our current standstill.

OP, all I can suggest is to keep the dialogue open. Take some time off from talking about it and readdress it again in the future. If it's something that's incredibly important to you and that you'll regret for the rest of your life if you don't do it, then make sure she knows that. And make sure you never forget that if she does agree to it, she is making an incredible sacrifice for you...a different sacrifice than the one you'd be making, but a sacrifice nonetheless.

Edit: And I just want to add a thank you to all the servicemen and women out there, and all of your families. Our country is forever indebted to the sacrifices you have all made.

 

[haujun]

My reservations can be boiled down to three things: deployments, deployments, and deployments. First, I would worry about his safety. I realize being a doctor in the military is not the same as an infantryman, but it's also not without its fair share of risks. And second, 6 months to 1 year is an incredibly long time to spend without your partner, especially if you have young children...which we don't yet but hope to have when he would join (in 3-4 yrs after residency/fellowship). Call it selfish if you will, but it is what it is.

If I could have a promise that he wouldn't be deployed for more than 3 months, that he would be safe if/when he were deployed, and that we wouldn't have to move to someplace where I'd be absolutely miserable, than I'd be happy to do it. But obviously none of these assurances is possible, which leads us to our current standstill.

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I understand your concerns and these concerns are universal in the military not just to military physicians' spouses. Just because we are doctors we are not special though we get special pay.😀

I also don't think those wives of combat soldiers in all volunteer military send their loved ones to deployments because they are less selfish than you. I am sure they feel the same way...

HPSP program is created to recruit civilian medical students to become both medical officer/physician and provide medical support to soldiers who placed themselves in harms way. Those combat soldiers are there 18 months or longer in deployed settings leaving their familes behind. We have to go where soldiers are and may have to be there as long as they need us there whether that is 3 months or 18 months or even longer. They will ONLY fight hard for U.S. when they feel that there is a real medical support if they can injured. Although it may be really challenging to serve without spousal support I always let my wife know that I am in a honorable position to help soldiers to do their job.

I was separated for 12 months leaving my wife and a baby. Reunion was a much sweeter...I am sure others felt the same way.