Feeling hopeless... Medical School starts in 3 weeks.

[90210]

I am reluctant to write this in fear of being judged, but I feel I need to articulate what I am going through to a community that might understand my perspective or relate to my own experience.

Around June of last year, I was hospitalized for an acute psychotic episode (did not and could not sleep for days). Prior to my hospitalization, I considered myself to be an otherwise healthy adult with no prior medical issues. The event was likely induced by the sheer amount of stress I was enduring at the time (working full-time, studying for the new MCAT, drinking lots of coffee with little sleep, family issues, bills, etc). Whatever the reason, there was a lot going on and I was trying my best to handle it all. It proved too much to bear and so naturally I cracked under the pressure.

To make matters worse, about three days after my hospitalization, I experienced the absolute worst headache of my life; it came on suddenly, and this headache has lingered every ....single ....day since its onset last year. Whether this reaction was a delayed response to the prior stress-or is unknown, but regardless, this is perhaps the most difficult aspect of my affliction - coping with chronic pain on a daily basis, even as a write this. Despite being placed on numerous medications, nothing seems to break the headache. This particular condition has baffled so many physicians, until several tests later, I was diagnosed by a Neurologist with NDPH (New Daily Persistent Headache) - one of the most treatment refractory headaches known.

I wish I could say I emerged from this experience enlightened and empowered to move on. Unfortunately however, the overall experience, along with lingering health issues has left me feeling detached from my former self (an otherwise bright-minded, healthy, and ambitious individual determined to succeed). For the first time in my life, I never truly understood the sheer magnitude of depression and the apathy that comes with it until I experienced it myself. I have never felt so hopeless in my life until now and my deteriorating health condition makes every day a struggle. For the most part, I am thankful that, as of today, my depression has resolved itself to some degree and I attribute that in large part to having a strong support system around me. Still, I am about to endure one of the most mentally and physically grueling periods of my life.

As a non-trad who was rejected from medical school on more than one occasion, I feel blessed to finally be accepted. I worked tremendously hard to get here and dedicated several years into building up my application to prove my value. But something seems to be lacking. The excitement and anticipation I once shared with my peers seems to be missing. I absolutely know I want to be a doctor and this opportunity is not something I want to pass up. But at the same time, I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll crack under the pressure of medical school and the headache I endure on a daily basis will prove just too much to bare. I'm stuck at a crossroad and don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know if I move forward, there's no turning back. At the same time, it's just not feasible for me to delay my application further (I'd have to retake the new MCAT) and there's no guarantees I'd be accepted again.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I needed to vent. I feel hopeless and perhaps sharing my story will give me some solace, so thank you for listening.

edit: sorry for repost; posting in wrong forum initially

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[ACSurgeon]

I am reluctant to write this in fear of being judged, but I feel I need to articulate what I am going through to a community that might understand my perspective or relate to my own experience.

Around June of last year, I was hospitalized for an acute psychotic episode (did not and could not sleep for days). Prior to my hospitalization, I considered myself to be an otherwise healthy adult with no prior medical issues. The event was likely induced by the sheer amount of stress I was enduring at the time (working full-time, studying for the new MCAT, drinking lots of coffee with little sleep, family issues, bills, etc). Whatever the reason, there was a lot going on and I was trying my best to handle it all. It proved too much to bear and so naturally I cracked under the pressure.

To make matters worse, about three days after my hospitalization, I experienced the absolute worst headache of my life; it came on suddenly, and this headache has lingered every ....single ....day since its onset last year. Whether this reaction was a delayed response to the prior stress-or is unknown, but regardless, this is perhaps the most difficult aspect of my affliction - coping with chronic pain on a daily basis, even as a write this. Despite being placed on numerous medications, nothing seems to break the headache. This particular condition has baffled so many physicians, until several tests later, I was diagnosed by a Neurologist with NDPH (New Daily Persistent Headache) - one of the most treatment refractory headaches known.

I wish I could say I emerged from this experience enlightened and empowered to move on. Unfortunately however, the overall experience, along with lingering health issues has left me feeling detached from my former self (an otherwise bright-minded, healthy, and ambitious individual determined to succeed). For the first time in my life, I never truly understood the sheer magnitude of depression and the apathy that comes with it until I experienced it myself. I have never felt so hopeless in my life until now and my deteriorating health condition makes every day a struggle. For the most part, I am thankful that, as of today, my depression has resolved itself to some degree and I attribute that in large part to having a strong support system around me. Still, I am about to endure one of the most mentally and physically grueling periods of my life.

As a non-trad who was rejected from medical school on more than one occasion, I feel blessed to finally be accepted. I worked tremendously hard to get here and dedicated several years into building up my application to prove my value. But something seems to be lacking. The excitement and anticipation I once shared with my peers seems to be missing. I absolutely know I want to be a doctor and this opportunity is not something I want to pass up. But at the same time, I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll crack under the pressure of medical school and the headache I endure on a daily basis will prove just too much to bare. I'm stuck at a crossroad and don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know if I move forward, there's no turning back. At the same time, it's just not feasible for me to delay my application further (I'd have to retake the new MCAT) and there's no guarantees I'd be accepted again.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I needed to vent. I feel hopeless and perhaps sharing my story will give me some solace, so thank you for listening.

edit: sorry for repost; posting in wrong forum initially

- get the input of your psychiatrist. don't go to med school if your mental health would be at risk.

- contact your school and see if they'd let you defer for one year. That way you still have your acceptance and get a little more time to work out these issues.

- Med school/medical training is very taxing. We all feel anxious or down at one point or another (or multiple points). However, you should not move forward unless you can get yourself to the point where you are in control. Becoming a doctor (or failing), having mountains of loans, meeting family/friends expectations etc MUST be insignificant relative to your emotional/mental/physical wellbeing. If you're feeling "hopeless" then you might be putting too much worth into this process.

- it's normal to not feel excited after you are accepted and now take for granted that med school is yours if you want. It becomes real, and the responsibility and stress felt now are much more real than the reward that you'll get in 7-10 years... Wouldn't worry about that

 

[lymphocyte]

I am reluctant to write this in fear of being judged, but I feel I need to articulate what I am going through to a community that might understand my perspective or relate to my own experience.

Around June of last year, I was hospitalized for an acute psychotic episode (did not and could not sleep for days). Prior to my hospitalization, I considered myself to be an otherwise healthy adult with no prior medical issues. The event was likely induced by the sheer amount of stress I was enduring at the time (working full-time, studying for the new MCAT, drinking lots of coffee with little sleep, family issues, bills, etc). Whatever the reason, there was a lot going on and I was trying my best to handle it all. It proved too much to bear and so naturally I cracked under the pressure.

To make matters worse, about three days after my hospitalization, I experienced the absolute worst headache of my life; it came on suddenly, and this headache has lingered every ....single ....day since its onset last year. Whether this reaction was a delayed response to the prior stress-or is unknown, but regardless, this is perhaps the most difficult aspect of my affliction - coping with chronic pain on a daily basis, even as a write this. Despite being placed on numerous medications, nothing seems to break the headache. This particular condition has baffled so many physicians, until several tests later, I was diagnosed by a Neurologist with NDPH (New Daily Persistent Headache) - one of the most treatment refractory headaches known.

I wish I could say I emerged from this experience enlightened and empowered to move on. Unfortunately however, the overall experience, along with lingering health issues has left me feeling detached from my former self (an otherwise bright-minded, healthy, and ambitious individual determined to succeed). For the first time in my life, I never truly understood the sheer magnitude of depression and the apathy that comes with it until I experienced it myself. I have never felt so hopeless in my life until now and my deteriorating health condition makes every day a struggle. For the most part, I am thankful that, as of today, my depression has resolved itself to some degree and I attribute that in large part to having a strong support system around me. Still, I am about to endure one of the most mentally and physically grueling periods of my life.

As a non-trad who was rejected from medical school on more than one occasion, I feel blessed to finally be accepted. I worked tremendously hard to get here and dedicated several years into building up my application to prove my value. But something seems to be lacking. The excitement and anticipation I once shared with my peers seems to be missing. I absolutely know I want to be a doctor and this opportunity is not something I want to pass up. But at the same time, I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll crack under the pressure of medical school and the headache I endure on a daily basis will prove just too much to bare. I'm stuck at a crossroad and don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know if I move forward, there's no turning back. At the same time, it's just not feasible for me to delay my application further (I'd have to retake the new MCAT) and there's no guarantees I'd be accepted again.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I needed to vent. I feel hopeless and perhaps sharing my story will give me some solace, so thank you for listening.

edit: sorry for repost; posting in wrong forum initially

Damn. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

In general, mental illness among doctors and student doctors is relatively common and incredibly isolating. More than 10% of your colleagues will feel frankly suicidal at some point during medical school, and over 400 doctors kill themselves every year. That's an entire medical school dedicated to replacing doctors who commit suicide.

There are lots of reasons why doctors are at increased risk: chronic stress, chaotic sleep patterns, debt--but one undeniable problem is stigma. State Medical Boards, Physician Health Programmes, and even other doctors can sometimes be incredibly demoralising.

My point is this: 1) you are not alone, 2) medicine is tough, and 3) there are practical and concrete things you can do to minimise the risk. That's between you, your psychiatrist, and your neurologist to work out. That doesn't mean zero risk, or even close to zero, but if you choose to go forward with medicine, the goal is to minimise risk, both to yourself and to others.

If the risk is too much, maybe it's time to reconsider. Only you, with your doctors' input, can say. There are some good suggestions above about deferral to get things sorted out if they're not. In the long run, a year means little compared to your health and what will hopefully be a life-long career.

You write, "I feel hopeless and perhaps sharing my story will give me some solace." I hope you found some solace, but I think sharing your story might have given others some solace too--that they are not alone, and that others in medicine wrestle with chronic illness, who sometimes feel just as hopeless as you do.

Anyways, good luck OP. I wish you the very best.

 

[Brahnold Bloodaxe]

This particular condition has baffled so many physicians, until several tests later, I was diagnosed by a Neurologist with NDPH (New Daily Persistent Headache) - one of the most treatment refractory headaches known.

To be honest, that NDPH sounds more like a description than a "diagnosis."

 

[lymphocyte]

To be honest, that NDPH sounds more like a description than a "diagnosis."

Is that your opinion as a board-certified neurologist with a fellowship in headache medicine? Or as a stranger trying to be kind to someone who is poignantly suffering and looking for support? I'm thinking neither.

 

[Brahnold Bloodaxe]

Is that your opinion as a board-certified neurologist with a fellowship in headache medicine? Or as stranger trying to be kind to someone who is poignantly suffering and looking for support? I'm thinking neither.

It's my opinion. Never pretended it was more than that.

Is that your holier-than-thou attitude as an ordained priest?

 

[lymphocyte]

It's my opinion. Never pretended it was more than that.

Is that your holier-than-thou attitude as an ordained priest?

1. Just read the first line of OP's post.
2. This is exactly what I mean about doctors being demoralising, particularly when they have zero clue about what they're talking about.
3. Not gonna engage your trolling further, here or elsewhere. Ignored. I wish you the best of luck too.

 

[SPD5]

I am reluctant to write this in fear of being judged, but I feel I need to articulate what I am going through to a community that might understand my perspective or relate to my own experience.

Around June of last year, I was hospitalized for an acute psychotic episode (did not and could not sleep for days). Prior to my hospitalization, I considered myself to be an otherwise healthy adult with no prior medical issues. The event was likely induced by the sheer amount of stress I was enduring at the time (working full-time, studying for the new MCAT, drinking lots of coffee with little sleep, family issues, bills, etc). Whatever the reason, there was a lot going on and I was trying my best to handle it all. It proved too much to bear and so naturally I cracked under the pressure.

To make matters worse, about three days after my hospitalization, I experienced the absolute worst headache of my life; it came on suddenly, and this headache has lingered every ....single ....day since its onset last year. Whether this reaction was a delayed response to the prior stress-or is unknown, but regardless, this is perhaps the most difficult aspect of my affliction - coping with chronic pain on a daily basis, even as a write this. Despite being placed on numerous medications, nothing seems to break the headache. This particular condition has baffled so many physicians, until several tests later, I was diagnosed by a Neurologist with NDPH (New Daily Persistent Headache) - one of the most treatment refractory headaches known.

I wish I could say I emerged from this experience enlightened and empowered to move on. Unfortunately however, the overall experience, along with lingering health issues has left me feeling detached from my former self (an otherwise bright-minded, healthy, and ambitious individual determined to succeed). For the first time in my life, I never truly understood the sheer magnitude of depression and the apathy that comes with it until I experienced it myself. I have never felt so hopeless in my life until now and my deteriorating health condition makes every day a struggle. For the most part, I am thankful that, as of today, my depression has resolved itself to some degree and I attribute that in large part to having a strong support system around me. Still, I am about to endure one of the most mentally and physically grueling periods of my life.

As a non-trad who was rejected from medical school on more than one occasion, I feel blessed to finally be accepted. I worked tremendously hard to get here and dedicated several years into building up my application to prove my value. But something seems to be lacking. The excitement and anticipation I once shared with my peers seems to be missing. I absolutely know I want to be a doctor and this opportunity is not something I want to pass up. But at the same time, I am afraid. I'm afraid I'll crack under the pressure of medical school and the headache I endure on a daily basis will prove just too much to bare. I'm stuck at a crossroad and don't know what to do. On the one hand, I know if I move forward, there's no turning back. At the same time, it's just not feasible for me to delay my application further (I'd have to retake the new MCAT) and there's no guarantees I'd be accepted again.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but I needed to vent. I feel hopeless and perhaps sharing my story will give me some solace, so thank you for listening.

edit: sorry for repost; posting in wrong forum initially

Hi OP! I'm so sorry you're going through all this, and you are incredibly brave to continue pursuing your dream, and I want you to know that you are not alone. I am basically in the exact same position (worked obsessively for years to get in, accepted this year and feel extremely blessed and fortunate because it's such a great opportunity, getting over an eating disorder, feel like I lost myself and the excitement I had for life and for medicine, and even though I've wanted to go to med school basically my whole life, now that I'm about to go I'm not excited at all and am so scared that my condition will come back and I'll crack and lose it, and I know there's no turning back once I get there, and I can't defer.) I have been agonizing over this decision since I got in, and I have no answer for you OP, but I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this struggle, and that it's ok to feel scared. This whole process is scary, but you can and will get through it and no matter what you decide, it will ultimately be the right thing for you. You are strong enough to get through med school, you can ask for help if you need it, or if you ultimately decide that medicine isn't for you, you will find a meaningful career and way to spend your life. Please feel free to message me if you want! You can do it!

 

[tnedoots]

Your mental health should be first priority. Do NOT start med school until you feel you've got it under control. Med school provides very little time to relax and gather yourself. Taking a year to get things under control is a much better option than starting now at less than 100%. Don't let any internal or external pressures force you start before you're ready.

As suggested above, consult a mental health professional, defer if you need to, and, most of all, feel better.

 

[Artisan]

I think everyone has offered some very valuable info. Don't stress on what is to come, just focus on getting yourself better right now. If you decide to defer, then use that time to really get back to your true self. Once you overcome or learn the best way to treat this, it will be so helpful to you as a doctor. You can truly use this to better treat and understand your future patients. Sometimes we go through things like this because we are a lesson for others. It's clear that you are passionate about the medical field, so don't fret. Nobody or nothing can get in the way what you are destined to do.

 

[ACSurgeon]

Medical education is a non-stop process. One where you feel trapped with few options to take a break without hurting your career. As you go through, it will seem like your entire life revolves around becoming a physician, and failing out seems worse than anything else you can imagine. You are surrounded by high performing peers and superiors, and the expectations wil be as such.

I have never had to repeat a class, let a lone a year. I never needed to take time off and have moved along as expeditiously as one can (short of doing a combined BS/MD). Nonetheless, I've felt stressed and maybe "hopeless" at times. Never bad enough to see a professional or need treatment. The reason I'm mentioning all this is to offer insight, not to scare the OP or anyone else. It's a very worthwhile career. As I approach the end of my training, I feel very fortunate to have gone through it without major loss to my physical/mental/social well being. I do wish I had this insight early on, as maybe it would have made the process seem more manageable rather than be overwhelmed throughout most of it. So, for the OP, as I mentioned above, you need to be at a place where you have a combination of stable mental health as well as good insight into the training process and not feel like it's the end all be all.

 

[DrBeenThere]

Another thing to think about is that once you are an intern and forever afterward, it will be important for you to make good decisions for your patients. Even one bad decision could mean the end of your career. You can't be mentally unstable and at the same time be safe to prescribe or counsel, although in reality it happens. I absolutely agree that the perfect time for you to start med school is NOT now. Defer for a year and get your ducks in a row.

 

[zeppelinpage4]

Im sorry to hear you're going through such a tough time OP. Whatever happens, I hope you feel better soon, your health and well being is the most important thing.

All the advice here has been great. I'm just posting to add another story, so you know you're not alone.

I also felt anxiety and worry after getting my acceptance. All of my old excitement for medicine had worn away by that point. I continued on with med school anyways. But my apathy got worse, the stress of school and what was a very difficult relationship broke me mentally. I often thought about dying.
MS3, I felt better but my anxiety and depression continued to get worse from the lack of sleep and constantly trying to be on my game around those evaluating me.
I was afraid of the stigma, I didn't want others to know, so I kept all this quiet and muscled my way through...until I couldn't.

Never having faced a failure before this, I began failing shelf exams in my third year. It was a shock, but one I needed. When confronted by my deans, I came forward and told them what had been going on. They were supportive, and I got help. I took a LOA. I wasn't sure what my future held for me, but my main focus now was to try and get better. Thankfully I did. And now I'm happy I came to med school, I'm starting 4th year now, and excited to be a doctor again. And I know this experience will make me a better one.

I still worry about my depression coming back, or if I can mentally tolerate the stress of residency. But I know I'm not alone, and I know that it's okay to seek help early and we can bounce back from these things. However seeking help, and getting yourself better is key. Don't push it like I did and try to muscle your way through. I'm glad to be here now, but I didn't appreciate it until I got help and mentally improved.

Whatever you choose to do, take care of yourself and those you love first. I'm glad you have a support system, continue to keep them in your life. Best wishes and hope you feel better soon.

 

[Crayola227]

I hate to say this, but I really really really question the wisdom of you starting medical school AND trying to complete a residency with this level of chronic pain. It's very difficult to get a handle on mental health and depression with chronic pain in the background.

Defer a year.

Consider a different career. I tell this to people who have no health issues.

Medicine is big business now and its sole goal is to suck every ounce of lifeforce out of you while you churn patients in and out of the human gristmill that is modern medicine these days. It looks very little like the idealistic future of caring for others that so many have going in.

Just don't. Medicine is for the healthy or those who are extraordinarily good at coping. It's all too easy to crack under the strain.

 

[enlightenedb]

I get the sense that you are only interested in getting into medical school but you're not interested in becoming a doctor.

Let me save you the pain and defer a year. Spend that year finding what you really want to do with your life. If during this year, you reach a point where you can't wait to start med school, then start med school. If not, do something else with your life. The money in medicine is not enough for a 90210 lifestyle, although making the big bucks in anything is very hard.