Feeling isolated

[danny134r534]

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I moved for the US for residency alone and am now in PGY2 of a medium to large community IM program. I have no local connections in the place I’m in at all or in the US at all. My wife is still stuck abroad as she has been waiting for her visa and we only see each other every few months for a week or two at a time. I am from the Uk but of Asian origin. The loneliness has been very deep. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to click with any of my co residents and I’ve now noticed that cliques have started to form. Often dinners and things are planned without me being invited and I feel I just don’t fit in with the other IMGs from Asia or South America but also the local people have their own connections. I spend weekends and evenings alone speaking to my family and wife back home. It’s extremely isolating and I’ve been feeling like this for a year and a half now. I have always had difficulty making friends easily and have a narrow set of hobbies but I never expected it to be this hard. My wife arrives in a few months depending on her visa status but dont want to rely on her as my only source of support, it seems most in residency do find atleast a couple of local connections but sadly not the case for me

 

[GoSpursGo]

I’m sorry it’s been such a struggle for you. This may not help, but you’re not alone—at these large programs, it’s impossible for everyone to “click” with everyone else, and just because you haven’t made connections it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.

some people find their connections outside of their residency classmates. Do you have any way to make connections outside of residency?

 

[Goro]

Are there any communities of your nationality in the area where you live? Is there a local University which has a pool of your people attending?

What are the things that you like to do the most? What are your hobbies? Are there any venues that encourage these things or take part in these things like clubs? How about your houses of worship?

 

[anonperson]

I moved for the US for residency alone and am now in PGY2 of a medium to large community IM program. I have no local connections in the place I’m in at all or in the US at all. My wife is still stuck abroad as she has been waiting for her visa and we only see each other every few months for a week or two at a time. I am from the Uk but of Asian origin. The loneliness has been very deep. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to click with any of my co residents and I’ve now noticed that cliques have started to form. Often dinners and things are planned without me being invited and I feel I just don’t fit in with the other IMGs from Asia or South America but also the local people have their own connections. I spend weekends and evenings alone speaking to my family and wife back home. It’s extremely isolating and I’ve been feeling like this for a year and a half now. I have always had difficulty making friends easily and have a narrow set of hobbies but I never expected it to be this hard. My wife arrives in a few months depending on her visa status but dont want to rely on her as my only source of support, it seems most in residency do find atleast a couple of local connections but sadly not the case for me

Do you ever initiate plans with your co residents?
If so, do they make an excuse and not come through?

If you haven't initiated any plans, why not start? It can be intimidating but what have you got to lose.

Have you tried to connect with residents of different specialties? They can be another source.

Are you exercising enough? If not, incorporate that into your life. Good for mental well being. In addition, if you play sports you can probably connect with other people through this.

Are you feeling any signs of depression otherwise?

I would echo what @Goro said as those are good suggestions as well.

Feeling lonely in your situation is normal. You have insight that it is affecting you. Now you have to take some steps to try to correct the issue. It will require you to get out of your comfort zone.

 

[dozitgetchahi]

Do you ever initiate plans with your co residents?
If so, do they make an excuse and not come through?

If you haven't initiated any plans, why not start? It can be intimidating but what have you got to lose.

Have you tried to connect with residents of different specialties? They can be another source.

Are you exercising enough? If not, incorporate that into your life. Good for mental well being. In addition, if you play sports you can probably connect with other people through this.

Are you feeling any signs of depression otherwise?

I would echo what @Goro said as those are good suggestions as well.

Feeling lonely in your situation is normal. You have insight that it is affecting you. Now you have to take some steps to try to correct the issue. It will require you to get out of your comfort zone.

Agree with all this.

In residency, my best friends were a neurology resident (we met when we were interns) and a geologist that we randomly met at a bar. In rheum fellowship, my best friends were two rheum fellows I met from one of the programs across town; the fellows at my own program turned out to be very cliquish. I still text these guys almost daily, but I haven’t spoken to anyone from my own rheum program in years.

Try to engage with your co residents and set up activities etc. But don’t be surprised if it doesn’t pan out. The longer I go in medicine, the more I find I don’t “click” with a lot of doctors with regards to friendship etc. A lot of my closest friends are people I’ve met outside work who otherwise don’t have anything to do with medicine.

Exercise is not only good for you mentally and physically - it’s an opportunity to meet people. In my current town, we met a lot of our friends at a CrossFit gym. So group fitness classes may be something to check out.

Also, remember that at the end of the day, residency is a short weird period in your life that ends. The major goal during that time is to learn your trade. Everything else is secondary. I found that my residency program (and especially my fellowship) had a bit of a “high school” feel to it, with cliques and political BS. I already had kids by the time I started residency, and my (now ex) wife and kids were living in a different state that I was frequently driving back to visit. So I was a bit out of sync with all of my largely single/married without kids co residents and fellows, and I often wasn’t available to hang out with folks at the get togethers I was invited to. It is what it is. Once you are done with residency, you have much more latitude to work the way you want, live in the locale you want, hang out with who you want etc. Just get through the training.