Feeling trapped in medicine

[Airbender90]

Hi everyone, I'm a year into my pediatrics residency now and due to a multitude of reasons, I'm really unhappy with medicine and I just need some advice or perspective. I'm uncomfortable talking to anyone in my program about this.
If I wasn't in so much debt >200K and had any viable alternative, I would have left months ago. Right now, I have no idea how else I could pay off my loans and I don't know what I want to do anymore.

Long story short, I just don't find any sense of fulfillment from this job. Once in a blue moon I'll have a meaningful encounter with a patient, but I'm realizing 90% of medicine is rounding, secretarial work, and sitting behind a computer. I know most jobs have some aspect of this, but at those jobs, at least I can clock out at 5 or 6 and enjoy life outside of work.
On top of that, I've been struggling as a resident all year. I am having to make up rotations and they tacked on a few extra months to my residency as a result. Depending on how I perform, they might add more time, so it's made the work even more stressful.

My spouse has also moved across state, and I am unable to follow them. Between the long grueling hours, constantly finding myself struggling more than the other residents and having the pressure to perform well or else having more time tacked onto my residency, losing my passion for this field, and being separated from my spouse I've felt incredibly burnt out.

I'm also seeing friends my age in tech, and finance with 40-50 hour work weeks, with weekends and holidays, travelling with their loves ones, making good salaries without loans and I'm really regretting my choice to pursue medicine, especially pediatrics where my salary won't be much more than a PAs when all is said and done. I've had more than one attending telling pre-meds not to pursue medicine or pediatrics too, which has discouraged me more.

I see my co-residents who seem so passionate about this job, and no matter how tough, they still are happy with their decision but that's not me.

I know that financially and lifestyle wise, medicine is a horrible decision, and one should only do it if they love it. Unfortunately, I don't love it anymore. I just want to quit, have a job with normal hours, and be with my spouse. I have 2 more years to go, but every day it's a struggle to go into work...I just feel like I'm wasting my time at this point since I don't plan to practice pediatrics.

I want to quit, or switch to a non-clinical area of medicine that might allow me to have more regular hours. Or if I do work long hours, at least allow me to make a better salary than a general pediatrician now.

I know getting to be with my spouse and have that support would be a huge help for me, and I wanted to switch to a place closer to them but due to my failed rotations and finishing intern year late, I doubt any program would take me.
Every long floor or ICU block, and every night shift where I miss talking to my family or my partner hurts more now because my hearts just not in it. The sacrifices aren't worth it anymore and I'm tired of making them. I want to be there for my spouse and my family, they're my biggest priority. The only benefit of this job is that there's stability and comfort in it, but I'm seeing how well my non-medical friends are doing and how much time they have for their loved ones, while I see so many attendings who seem stretched thin and I just don't feel medicine is worth it anymore.

The thought of sticking it out 2 more years like this, working long hours for a job I have zero passion for and being separated from my loved ones is killing me...but I don't know what I can do. There's no plan B.

If I don't care for the job, my take home pay with my loans is gonna be average at best, and I'll work tough hours, then how can I justify this?
The few things keeping a fire under me is that I need a job and an income with my loans. I do have a lot to be grateful for, my program is very supportive and I like the people and I have a wonderful family and spouse. So I’m content with everything outside of medicine, but I don’t enjoy this job anymore.

If I don't have a way to leave, what can I say to convince myself this will be worth the sacrifices I'm making now? I don't see many tangible lifestyle or salary benefits to becoming a doctor that other fields wouldn't allow.

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[PickleRickelus]

Hi everyone, I'm a year into my pediatrics residency now and due to a multitude of reasons, I'm really unhappy with medicine and I just need some advice or perspective. I'm uncomfortable talking to anyone in my program about this.
If I wasn't in so much debt >200K and had any viable alternative, I would have left months ago. Right now, I have no idea how else I could pay off my loans and I don't know what I want to do anymore.

Long story short, I just don't find any sense of fulfillment from this job. Once in a blue moon I'll have a meaningful encounter with a patient, but I'm realizing 90% of medicine is rounding, secretarial work, and sitting behind a computer. I know most jobs have some aspect of this, but at those jobs, at least I can clock out at 5 or 6 and enjoy life outside of work.
On top of that, I've been struggling as a resident all year. I am having to make up rotations and they tacked on a few extra months to my residency as a result. Depending on how I perform, they might add more time, so it's made the work even more stressful.

My spouse has also moved across state, and I am unable to follow them. Between the long grueling hours, constantly finding myself struggling more than the other residents and having the pressure to perform well or else having more time tacked onto my residency, losing my passion for this field, and being separated from my spouse I've felt incredibly burnt out.

I'm also seeing friends my age in tech, and finance with 40-50 hour work weeks, with weekends and holidays, travelling with their loves ones, making good salaries without loans and I'm really regretting my choice to pursue medicine, especially pediatrics where my salary won't be much more than a PAs when all is said and done. I've had more than one attending telling pre-meds not to pursue medicine or pediatrics too, which has discouraged me more.

I see my co-residents who seem so passionate about this job, and no matter how tough, they still are happy with their decision but that's not me.

I know that financially and lifestyle wise, medicine is a horrible decision, and one should only do it if they love it. Unfortunately, I don't love it anymore. I just want to quit, have a job with normal hours, and be with my spouse. I have 2 more years to go, but every day it's a struggle to go into work...I just feel like I'm wasting my time at this point since I don't plan to practice pediatrics.

I want to quit, or switch to a non-clinical area of medicine that might allow me to have more regular hours. Or if I do work long hours, at least allow me to make a better salary than a general pediatrician now.

I know getting to be with my spouse and have that support would be a huge help for me, and I wanted to switch to a place closer to them but due to my failed rotations and finishing intern year late, I doubt any program would take me.
Every long floor or ICU block, and every night shift where I miss talking to my family or my partner hurts more now because my hearts just not in it. The sacrifices aren't worth it anymore and I'm tired of making them. I want to be there for my spouse and my family, they're my biggest priority. The only benefit of this job is that there's stability and comfort in it, but I'm seeing how well my non-medical friends are doing and how much time they have for their loved ones, while I see so many attendings who seem stretched thin and I just don't feel medicine is worth it anymore.

The thought of sticking it out 2 more years like this, working long hours for a job I have zero passion for and being separated from my loved ones is killing me...but I don't know what I can do. There's no plan B.

If I don't care for the job, my take home pay with my loans is gonna be average at best, and I'll work tough hours, then how can I justify this?
The few things keeping a fire under me is that I need a job and an income with my loans. I do have a lot to be grateful for, my program is very supportive and I like the people and I have a wonderful family and spouse. So I’m content with everything outside of medicine, but I don’t enjoy this job anymore.

If I don't have a way to leave, what can I say to convince myself this will be worth the sacrifices I'm making now? I don't see many tangible lifestyle or salary benefits to becoming a doctor that other fields wouldn't allow.

Let me just preface by saying that I'm not a doctor. I'm still just a lowly pre med who's applying to med school this cycle. However, I do have extensive experience working in the medical field as an ER medical scribe.

With that said, I can sympathize with working long hours for meager pay and very little tangible benefit. In fact, all those night shifts that I have worked and continue to work are probably going to have troubling consequences for my health down the line and I'm not even an oncall resident yet so I can only imagine what you're going through! Nevertheless, I have missed birthday parties, get togethers with friends, etc.

Not to mention the lost income that could be used to pursue better paying non medical jobs is something that I constantly think about too as I was a non science major and could easily get an office gig and work my way up to some high paying bean counter type job. However, I do not regret the time I've spent at work or at school on my quest to pursue medical school. Even though it saddens me to miss out on opportunities to spend time with family and friends, it only makes me appreciate even more the time that I do spend with them.

Even working as a scribe, I feel like I make a tangible difference in the ER by ensuring that the physician is able to focus on patient care and not all the busywork that comes with documenting in the electronic medical record. In your case, you are afforded the unique opportunity to make a difference in the lives of patients and their families. That is something that you should be proud to recognize.

All in all, it sounds like you're having cold feet about medicine because you're overworked and tired. Maybe you just need some time off to decompress? Find a hobby to do on your spare time. Read a good book. Volunteer at a homeless shelter.

As a helpful excercise, Dig up your old medical school application and remind yourself why you wanted to pursue medicine in the first place. Now go find your residency application to remind yourself why you wanted peds.

I know it's easier said than done but really try to focus on the positives of this job and I think that will help you appreciate it more.

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[deleted480308]

Meager pay? Just how much money do you think pediatricians make?

 

[PickleRickelus]

Meager pay? Just how much money do you think pediatricians make?

Well the OP made it sound like he works long hours for inadequate compensation. Sure, one could potentially make 70k but if you're working 50-60 hours a week then you technically make less per hour than someone who works a 9-5 in the private sector with presumably less debt and the same pay as a resident. I'm sure when he's a full fledged pediatrician then things will be different though but we're focusing on residency.

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[deleted480308]

Well the OP made it sound like he works long hours for inadequate compensation. Sure, one could potentially make 70k but if you're working 50-60 hours a week then you technically make less per hour than someone who works a 9-5 in the private sector with presumably less debt and the same pay as a resident. I'm sure when he's a full fledged pediatrician then things will be different though but we're focusing on residency.

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Making any life plans based on unhappiness of residency pay/ hour is not a good plan

Knowing you have an almost guaranteed 150-200k for office hours almost anywhere in the country is a good plan

 

[NITRAS]

SB247 is right. You have tons of opportunities as a boarded physician you don't have with just an MD. There are tons of ways to make money, most of which you don't realize as a resident.

PS, most people making 6 figure salaries aren't working 9-4 with holidays and weekends.

 

[LucidSplash]

Let me just preface by saying that I'm not a doctor. I'm still just a lowly pre med who's applying to med school this cycle. However, I do have extensive experience working in the medical field as an ER medical scribe.

With that said, I can sympathize with working long hours for meager pay and very little tangible benefit. In fact, all those night shifts that I have worked and continue to work are probably going to have troubling consequences for my health down the line and I'm not even an oncall resident yet so I can only imagine what you're going through! Nevertheless, I have missed birthday parties, get togethers with friends, etc.

Not to mention the lost income that could be used to pursue better paying non medical jobs is something that I constantly think about too as I was a non science major and could easily get an office gig and work my way up to some high paying bean counter type job. However, I do not regret the time I've spent at work or at school on my quest to pursue medical school. Even though it saddens me to miss out on opportunities to spend time with family and friends, it only makes me appreciate even more the time that I do spend with them.

Even working as a scribe, I feel like I make a tangible difference in the ER by ensuring that the physician is able to focus on patient care and not all the busywork that comes with documenting in the electronic medical record. In your case, you are afforded the unique opportunity to make a difference in the lives of patients and their families. That is something that you should be proud to recognize.

All in all, it sounds like you're having cold feet about medicine because you're overworked and tired. Maybe you just need some time off to decompress? Find a hobby to do on your spare time. Read a good book. Volunteer at a homeless shelter.

As a helpful excercise, Dig up your old medical school application and remind yourself why you wanted to pursue medicine in the first place. Now go find your residency application to remind yourself why you wanted peds.

I know it's easier said than done but really try to focus on the positives of this job and I think that will help you appreciate it more.

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IMHO, if you have not experienced residency, you should not be the one talking to the OP about this. Your experience does not match that of residency and your suggestions to look up old applications or get a new hobby indicate that you don’t understand the OP’s predicament. The problem with medicine is that the realities of it frequently do not match the expectations of someone applying to medical school. Getting a new hobby while working 80 hours a week is just asinine. If you read and truly understood the OP’s post, you would see that the problem here is not just residency but their overall outlook on medicine.

OP, you are in a tough spot. I don’t really have anything to offer except support and suggestion to rule out any possible depression with a professional before you make any significant life changing decisions.

 

[physicsnerd42]

Residency can suck, especially without a support system nearby. The first thing I would do is see if your residency has a confidential mental health professional you can see because burnout and depression are highly overlapping ven diagrams and helping one may help the other. You may even consider a leave of absence for a while to help with burnout. Also, are there friends in your residency you can talk to about some of this? Despite how happy your coresidents may seem, I’m betting many of them feel as you do. I know that at my Peds program, junior year is the toughest and it may be the same at yours.

It sounds like you have about 2 years left of residency. Unless you have an insanely marketable background outside of medicine, you have nowhere near the earning potential if you quit than if you stick it out for the next two years. Just finish residency and take an outpatient Peds job with no call for $200k (or a half time job for half that if you really can’t stand the 40-50 hours per week of full time). It’s not ortho money but it’s far more than you’d probably make at any non-medical job with much more job security. You’ll probably be amazed how much more tolerable an attending job is when you make 4 times as much as you did as a resident for half the hours per week and you don’t have to deal with the same hierarchy and switching rotations every month, and the patients will be yours.

I’m sorry you’re in a tough spot. Take care of yourself and know that being an attending and being a resident aren’t the same thing.


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[ThoracicGuy]

Once you're an attending and can set your own hours, find a job where you want, and tailor your practice to your desires, life will be better.

Remember, they can't stop the clock.

 

[PickleRickelus]

IMHO, if you have not experienced residency, you should not be the one talking to the OP about this. Your experience does not match that of residency and your suggestions to look up old applications or get a new hobby indicate that you don’t understand the OP’s predicament. The problem with medicine is that the realities of it frequently do not match the expectations of someone applying to medical school. Getting a new hobby while working 80 hours a week is just asinine. If you read and truly understood the OP’s post, you would see that the problem here is not just residency but their overall outlook on medicine.

OP, you are in a tough spot. I don’t really have anything to offer except support and suggestion to rule out any possible depression with a professional before you make any significant life changing decisions.

Fair enough like I said I never actually experienced residency so I don't exactly know what that entails. I can however comment on the realities of Medicine because I see it first hand. Most of the physicians that I work with are super jaded and actively encourage me not to go into medicine and pursue some other career.


Even though as a practicing physician you may encounter a lot of difficult cases, I was just trying to encourage the OP to see the bright side of the profession overall. Is that really so terrible? sure, I don't understand their predicament in residency but like you said the problem has more to do with the profession overall feeling like it's just "secretarial work" etc.

I apologize if I sound naive but I was just trying to offer a solution. As I apply to med school, after all the experience I've had even I have difficulty trying to answer the question of why medicine knowing the challenges I will face and residency no exception so I'm glad that I stumbled onto this post for what it's worth.

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[gutonc]

Fair enough like I said I never actually experienced residency so I don't exactly know what that entails. I can however comment on the realities of Medicine because I see it first hand.

Dude...no you can't. You can comment on what you see from the periphery. But so can the front desk clerk, and nobody wants to listen to him/her either.

 

[PickleRickelus]

Dude...no you can't. You can comment on what you see from the periphery. But so can the front desk clerk, and nobody wants to listen to him/her either.

Okay well feel free to offer the OP any advice about how to get through this difficult situation. I understand I am not the most qualified to speak on these matters so I encourage anyone else to give their input.



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[gutonc]

Plenty of people have.

 

[NITRAS]

I'm not trying to open a can of worms. . . but you need to let your spouse know what is going on (I presume its a husband. . . .but I'm just assuming). If he isn't in medicine, he needs to quit and move to be with you, like this week. If he is in residency, then that puts yall in a pickle. If he won't, and wants to pursue his career, then he needs to realize the money will be better for you to be able to work, and he needs to man up and be there for his wife. Then I'd suggest a good marriage counselor.

Again, just my opinion. I'm sorry if I got the genders wrong or whatever. . . . But even before we had kids, living apart for years wouldn't have been an option. I'm also a bit old fashioned.

 

[rokshana]

Fair enough like I said I never actually experienced residency so I don't exactly know what that entails. I can however comment on the realities of Medicine because I see it first hand. Most of the physicians that I work with are super jaded and actively encourage me not to go into medicine and pursue some other career.

no you can't...your hanging out in the ED following around an ED doc for a few hours out of the day is the equivalent of staying at a Holiday Inn not first hand experience...stop giving advice on a topic you know absolutely nothing about...

 

[Shufflin]

I watch my wife go through pregnancy, can I comment on what it's like being pregnant because I see it first-hand?

 

[Ironspy]

I watch my wife go through pregnancy, can I comment on what it's like being pregnant because I see it first-hand?

Anyone who has ever seen a pregnant lady can comment on what it's like first hand

 

[brocephalic]

Hi everyone, I'm a year into my pediatrics residency now and due to a multitude of reasons, I'm really unhappy with medicine and I just need some advice or perspective. I'm uncomfortable talking to anyone in my program about this.
If I wasn't in so much debt >200K and had any viable alternative, I would have left months ago. Right now, I have no idea how else I could pay off my loans and I don't know what I want to do anymore.

Long story short, I just don't find any sense of fulfillment from this job. Once in a blue moon I'll have a meaningful encounter with a patient, but I'm realizing 90% of medicine is rounding, secretarial work, and sitting behind a computer. I know most jobs have some aspect of this, but at those jobs, at least I can clock out at 5 or 6 and enjoy life outside of work.
On top of that, I've been struggling as a resident all year. I am having to make up rotations and they tacked on a few extra months to my residency as a result. Depending on how I perform, they might add more time, so it's made the work even more stressful.

My spouse has also moved across state, and I am unable to follow them. Between the long grueling hours, constantly finding myself struggling more than the other residents and having the pressure to perform well or else having more time tacked onto my residency, losing my passion for this field, and being separated from my spouse I've felt incredibly burnt out.

I'm also seeing friends my age in tech, and finance with 40-50 hour work weeks, with weekends and holidays, travelling with their loves ones, making good salaries without loans and I'm really regretting my choice to pursue medicine, especially pediatrics where my salary won't be much more than a PAs when all is said and done. I've had more than one attending telling pre-meds not to pursue medicine or pediatrics too, which has discouraged me more.

I see my co-residents who seem so passionate about this job, and no matter how tough, they still are happy with their decision but that's not me.

I know that financially and lifestyle wise, medicine is a horrible decision, and one should only do it if they love it. Unfortunately, I don't love it anymore. I just want to quit, have a job with normal hours, and be with my spouse. I have 2 more years to go, but every day it's a struggle to go into work...I just feel like I'm wasting my time at this point since I don't plan to practice pediatrics.

I want to quit, or switch to a non-clinical area of medicine that might allow me to have more regular hours. Or if I do work long hours, at least allow me to make a better salary than a general pediatrician now.

I know getting to be with my spouse and have that support would be a huge help for me, and I wanted to switch to a place closer to them but due to my failed rotations and finishing intern year late, I doubt any program would take me.
Every long floor or ICU block, and every night shift where I miss talking to my family or my partner hurts more now because my hearts just not in it. The sacrifices aren't worth it anymore and I'm tired of making them. I want to be there for my spouse and my family, they're my biggest priority. The only benefit of this job is that there's stability and comfort in it, but I'm seeing how well my non-medical friends are doing and how much time they have for their loved ones, while I see so many attendings who seem stretched thin and I just don't feel medicine is worth it anymore.

The thought of sticking it out 2 more years like this, working long hours for a job I have zero passion for and being separated from my loved ones is killing me...but I don't know what I can do. There's no plan B.

If I don't care for the job, my take home pay with my loans is gonna be average at best, and I'll work tough hours, then how can I justify this?
The few things keeping a fire under me is that I need a job and an income with my loans. I do have a lot to be grateful for, my program is very supportive and I like the people and I have a wonderful family and spouse. So I’m content with everything outside of medicine, but I don’t enjoy this job anymore.

If I don't have a way to leave, what can I say to convince myself this will be worth the sacrifices I'm making now? I don't see many tangible lifestyle or salary benefits to becoming a doctor that other fields wouldn't allow.

This a topic I know a lot about. I felt this way once in residency. Vulnerable, alone, defeated, feeling like an imbecile. My wife was long distance away. I was working long hours, at times very long. I wasn’t doing well.

And then I made a decision to go all in and focus on being the best resident. I spent every ounce of energy I had to be the best. And I did become the best, at least in my residency. My intraining scores were the highest, my evals were glowing, my attendings raved about me, I even got resident of the year award.

But my marriage, which was already long distance, took a back seat. Me and my wife almost became strangers. In the end, it was too little too late, I ended up divorced.

Not sure what I could have done. At the time, I felt like I had no choice but to focus on my residency. It took a toll on personal life, I didn’t think much of it, because it seemed like a transition period. But on the other end of it, me and my wife had become different people. It’s funny how this medicine changes us. I don’t have any advice for the OP, just that whatever you do, it’ll have consequences. Pick carefully.

 

[Shufflin]

Anyone who has ever seen a pregnant lady can comment on what it's like first hand

When you get married and have a wife who becomes pregnant and delivers, tell her you know what it's like first-hand and see what happens.

 

[AMEHigh]

Definitely stick it out for 2 more years of residency. I know post-residency can/does have its challenging, but there are unique struggles to residency that we all understand.

Once you are done, your doors will be open to non-clinical jobs as well. Assuming your partner has income to support you, you could even take a year or 2 off to figure out what you want to do, I've known several people who have done this. You could also work locums or part-time in urgent care. Just giving some options of flexible clinical jobs that don't necessarily have the drain of working 5-6 days per week, yet pay decently.

I hope you can keep an open mind and get through these 2 years. It also wouldn't hurt to talk to a mental health professional. Best of luck.

 

[Temeraire]

PS, most people making 6 figure salaries aren't working 9-4 with holidays and weekends.

I beg to differ. My hubby is in tech, and he makes 6 figures, 9-4 with weekends and holidays anytime he wants. This is pretty common in Silicon Valley. I’m jealous of his lifestyle but I can’t write code to save my life, unfortunately.

 

[deleted480308]

I beg to differ. My hubby is in tech, and he makes 6 figures, 9-4 with weekends and holidays anytime he wants. This is pretty common in Silicon Valley. I’m jealous of his lifestyle but I can’t write code to save my life, unfortunately.

Your hubby might not be most people

 

[Ironspy]

When you get married and have a wife who becomes pregnant and delivers, tell her you know what it's like first-hand and see what happens.

The sarcasm was clearly lost. I'm female with kids.

 

[mvenus929]

OP, you’re burnt out. I highly recommend seeking help from a counselor of some variety. Most residency programs or hospitals have an employee assistance program that you can get hooked up with quickly.

I also think you should speak with your spouse, if you haven’t already.

Residency is tough, and most everyone goes through a depressive phase. But, most people end up making it through and are happy once they are on the other side. And don’t rely on your impression of what other people are feeling—I was a pro at faking being happy during residency. Trust me, you’re not the only one to feel this way.

 

[PickleRickelus]

no you can't...your hanging out in the ED following around an ED doc for a few hours out of the day is the equivalent of staying at a Holiday Inn not first hand experience...stop giving advice on a topic you know absolutely nothing about...

I see your point. I recognize that this is clearly beyond my scope. My intention was to simply comment on a public forum and let the OP know that someone is out there is listening and willing to offer suggestions.

The patient care team is composed of members that extend far beyond the role of a physician and each person deals with their own set of challenges. What I have experienced first hand is my own account which is what I was referencing. I realize already that they are not relevant as there are so many different dimensions to the OP's plight that I cannot even fathom at this time in my life, like feeling trapped in a career for which you feel no passion for and not having a support system. I apologize for veering the discussion away from the key issue. Maybe you can offer the OP some support or some type of encouragement?

 

[Free2BMe]

Sooo...I am in a unique position to comment on this. I was exactly in your shoes not too long ago. Let me preface this by saying that what I did is not what I think you should do. Every person's situation is different, and there's no way to know how well it would work out for you.

Basically, in my third year of med school I began having feelings that I had made a mistake. I loved learning about medicine. I loved watching it in practice. I loved speaking with patients and helping them find solutions to their problems. But there was something that to this day I can't put my finger on, but it just didn't give me satisfaction. I figured it was just being a med student so I pushed on and graduated and matched at my number 1 spot for residency.

Intern year the dissatisfaction grew. I let my wife in on my secret. She already could tell that something was wrong. I wasn't the person she knew before. She asked if I could be depressed. In a way, I probably was, but outside of the realm of medicine, I loved my life. There was nothing to NOT like.

Fast forward to nearly the end of my second year in residency and I was done. I knew it. I hated being a physician. I couldn't take another day. I remember coding an ICU patient and wished they would either just die or stabilize so I could get the F out of the place. I was scheduled to take a weeks vacation the following day, and after that week was over I was so anxiety-ridden about going back that I called my PD and asked for an emergency LOA. I told her why when we met. For several weeks I agonized over what I should do. I spoke with a therapist, I spoke with my wife, I spoke with my family.

I then met with my PD and informed her that I would be resigning from the program.

This was the best decision I have ever made.

I have gone into a completely different sector for work now. Yes, I have a mountain of debt (way more than you) that come February I will have to start the REPAYE program. I will be paying on it for the rest of my life. Luckily my wife makes a decent salary that has allowed me to enter into a career that always has a slow start, but I'm starting to make some money now and its taking some of the pressure off. I also had the full support of my wife the entire time.

To sum it all up...leaving medicine was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was literally agonizing and I was scared to death every second of every day that I was making the biggest mistake of my life that would ruin me forever. But I am the happiest I have ever been now. My wife says I am like a new man. She says I am the person that she knew when we first met, before I started med school. I still love learning about medicine. I keep the medical journals I get through mail and read through them in my down time and before bed sometimes. I plan to keep up my "fund of knowledge" the best I can, but I don't think I will ever regret not doing this as a career now.

As I said before, I'm not saying you should leave medicine, but if you do, know that you are not alone. You have one life, only one. If you don't think you could ever be happy as a doctor, and if you have spent a lot of time thinking about it, talking to people, and really getting down to the bottom of why you are unhappy, don't be ashamed to leave. I did, and others have to. It's not easy, but it can be done.

 

[deleted500612]

Sooo...I am in a unique position to comment on this. I was exactly in your shoes not too long ago. Let me preface this by saying that what I did is not what I think you should do. Every person's situation is different, and there's no way to know how well it would work out for you.

Basically, in my third year of med school I began having feelings that I had made a mistake. I loved learning about medicine. I loved watching it in practice. I loved speaking with patients and helping them find solutions to their problems. But there was something that to this day I can't put my finger on, but it just didn't give me satisfaction. I figured it was just being a med student so I pushed on and graduated and matched at my number 1 spot for residency.

Intern year the dissatisfaction grew. I let my wife in on my secret. She already could tell that something was wrong. I wasn't the person she knew before. She asked if I could be depressed. In a way, I probably was, but outside of the realm of medicine, I loved my life. There was nothing to NOT like.

Fast forward to nearly the end of my second year in residency and I was done. I knew it. I hated being a physician. I couldn't take another day. I remember coding an ICU patient and wished they would either just die or stabilize so I could get the F out of the place. I was scheduled to take a weeks vacation the following day, and after that week was over I was so anxiety-ridden about going back that I called my PD and asked for an emergency LOA. I told her why when we met. For several weeks I agonized over what I should do. I spoke with a therapist, I spoke with my wife, I spoke with my family.

I then met with my PD and informed her that I would be resigning from the program.

This was the best decision I have ever made.

I have gone into a completely different sector for work now. Yes, I have a mountain of debt (way more than you) that come February I will have to start the REPAYE program. I will be paying on it for the rest of my life. Luckily my wife makes a decent salary that has allowed me to enter into a career that always has a slow start, but I'm starting to make some money now and its taking some of the pressure off. I also had the full support of my wife the entire time.

To sum it all up...leaving medicine was the hardest thing I have ever done. It was literally agonizing and I was scared to death every second of every day that I was making the biggest mistake of my life that would ruin me forever. But I am the happiest I have ever been now. My wife says I am like a new man. She says I am the person that she knew when we first met, before I started med school. I still love learning about medicine. I keep the medical journals I get through mail and read through them in my down time and before bed sometimes. I plan to keep up my "fund of knowledge" the best I can, but I don't think I will ever regret not doing this as a career now.

As I said before, I'm not saying you should leave medicine, but if you do, know that you are not alone. You have one life, only one. If you don't think you could ever be happy as a doctor, and if you have spent a lot of time thinking about it, talking to people, and really getting down to the bottom of why you are unhappy, don't be ashamed to leave. I did, and others have to. It's not easy, but it can be done.

Out of curiosity, is your new field related to medicine (i.e. are you still using your MD degree?)

 

[Free2BMe]

Out of curiosity, is your new field related to medicine (i.e. are you still using your MD degree?)

Not at all related. I am completely out of medicine now.

 

[VA Hopeful Dr]

I beg to differ. My hubby is in tech, and he makes 6 figures, 9-4 with weekends and holidays anytime he wants. This is pretty common in Silicon Valley. I’m jealous of his lifestyle but I can’t write code to save my life, unfortunately.

Huh, that's my schedule and income as well (at least in terms of figures). Never work holidays or weekends so I don't have to bother asking off.

I'm not unique among family doctors either.

 

[Shambere]

Believe me your friends and their happy lifes are struggling too. Talk to your husband.

 

[Shambere]

Oh and there is a reason peds pays so little. Many moms work part time. Think of that.

 

[enalli]

I remember coding an ICU patient and wished they would either just die or stabilize so I could get the F out of the place.

I remember being a medical student in a very long code on an elderly patient where we kept getting non-sustained ROSC every few rounds just as we were about to call it. Watching the progression from "whoa!" to "are you kidding me? to "I hate my life" on the resident code leader's face when he felt a pulse at different stages of the code is something I'll never forget.

But I digress.

OP, you are not alone. Many (most?) of us in medicine have felt exactly like you do. Second year is particularly stressful as you have increased responsibilities and expectations while being more and more aware of all your shortcomings.

There is a chance this is a slump and by the time you graduate you may like medicine again. There is also a chance this may be your relationship with medicine from now on. In either case, I recommend you finish out residency as your career options as a board-certified or eligible physician are much better. As others have mentioned, you can practice medicine at reasonable hours with a good pay after graduating, which will make your dislike for the field similar to every other person in America who hates their job--you'll just get paid really well for it.

If things are particularly difficult right now, consider taking a leave of absence so you can finish out residency. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to finish residency, then don't despair. We in medicine have been pursuing a single path (undergrad->med school->residency->fellowship->attendinghood) for so long that we just cannot think about what is outside of that path. Deviating from that path is not the end. Your ego may take a hit, but who cares? It's your life and you deserve to be happy.

Regardless of what you do, you need a support system. Your spouse is a good place to start, your fellow residents can be a part of it, maybe even your residency leadership (though this may not be the case in certain programs). Consider professional help--psychiatric conditions have a huge stigma in medicine so I understand the knee-jerk reaction to think you don't need it. If after soul-searching you think you don't need it, that's fine, but give it a good honest thought.

Good luck. Please continue to reach out to the forum. We are all rooting for you no matter what you do.

 

[raiderette]

What you are describing sounds like you are in a stressful situation made worse by the lack of a support system. Do you really think you would hate this if you could come home to a happy home and spend time with people you love?
Is there any way possible for your spouse to quit working and be with you?

 

[mvenus929]

Oh and there is a reason peds pays so little. Many moms work part time. Think of that.

Peds pays so little because a much larger percentage of our patient population is insured by Medicaid, which doesn't pay even as well as Medicare.

 

[jw3600]

A premed with a Rick and Morty avatar giving advice to a senior resident. It’s almost too good to be true.

 

[residentk3]

The scribe has a good heart and is coming from a good place, you don’t have to tear him down like that. People come from all walks of life, and we don’t know what his or her experiences have been. If you don’t like the post, just ignore the comment and move on.

That being said, to the OP I can somewhat relate. I’ve been through one of the longest post graduate training routes you can pursue. In hindsight, 3 years is just a blip on the radar. My advice is similar to what’s been stated above. Grind it out because the possibilities are endless for a board certified Attending.

The thing that made me most unhappy was comparing myself to people in other fields and I suspect this is one of the big issues you are struggling with. I struggled with this too except in my circumstance, even a lot of colleagues had graduated and were enjoying a huge salary and time off while I was still in training. All the while, I was in a long distance relationship where neither of us could afford to see each other frequently. The two biggest takeaways for me, and I hope this helps, were:

1. Don’t compare your life/work/salary to anybody else’s.
2. Life is unfair and while some have it much better, most have it much worse than you; if you remember this point, go back and read the first point.

Good luck and never forget that your work helps those who are less healthy and less fortunate.