Feeling like I'm a total loser

[ihazquestionz]

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I'm a little sad today. Not really looking for people to tell me I'm wrong, I kind of get that already.

Some brief background:
In undergrad, was in a sorority and a pretty serious relationship all 4 years. Being pre-med and in lab all the time for research, was hard for me to learn how to balance everything. Had an absolute dingus of a PI who demanded that I be in lab 16 hours a day and with classes, I was too tired to do much else. My first two/three years I was pretty good about going to sorority things but my last year I dropped off the planet. My bf briefly broke up with me in undergrad and I withdrew a lot in an attempt to stay away from alcohol (I don't drink much and was worried I would do smth stupid so I avoided it). I loved all my friends/sorority sisters but my naive self didn't know how to manage everything.

Fast forward 6 years-my bf ghosted me after 7 years together, lost touch with a lot of my friends bec of being so far away in med school. People at my med school are really immature and those that aren't are in serious relationships so I feel like while I'm outgoing and really nice I haven't really developed super meaningful friendships. Also we have a few toxic personalities in my class that make it really hard to be one large happy group (it's really sectioned off bec ppl hate each other). Anyway, with my breakup and the subsequent ****tiness, I was very lost and unhappy (i'm still somewhat off from my baseline). I didn't realize during this time that the world had moved on from me. My friends all stayed in touch and my ex started dating the girl he cheated on me with.

Why am I thinking about all of this? Just found out one of my then close friends is getting married and everyone is invited except me. I am obviously really sad about this but it's not even her fault-I slipped off the radar. I'm sad that I didn't prioritize friendships over school and my relationship. Bec look now-I have nothing. Idk. I'm really upset and have no one to be mad at except myself. Also great for my ex to see pics from the wedding and be like "oh yea of course she didn't get invited and literally everyone else did"...somewhat embarrassing.

Has anyone else been through something like this? If so what helped you feel better or have better perspective (aside from you have the privilege of saving people's lives...like come on you can do that and still have a healthy life)?

 

[Strider_91]

Yeah his sucks but it happens. I’d just get on all the dating apps and try to date.

Maybe join some clubs to meet friends of the same sex.

 

[Gurby]

That sucks OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't have anything insightful to add. Here's a picture of some cats snuggling:

 

[SunshineRay]

First of all, you are not a loser, and did the right thing to prioritize your education over friends. Real friends will understand and support you if you are busy with school. I'm not even in medical school yet, just accepted, but I've lost a bunch of friends. Life has to move on and looks like you need to turn the page from undergrad to grad. Don't get stuck in the past. Hold onto your true old friends and try to make news ones in medical school or beyond.

 

[TypeADissection]

I honestly am not sure why people post things like this nor what they hope to find when they do. Nobody is going to give you validation because it was never ours to give. You are your own person and you are wonderful. You are clearly smart and accomplished. This is your life. You have no idea how long it's gonna last, but we all know that none of us are getting out of this alive. It behooves you to move forward and find peace as soon as you can figure out what that means. Take this time to get to know the solitary version of you and find a way to be comfortable in your own skin. Think what you want. Do what you want. And please stop looking back because it's making you stumble into the future. Whatever happened is already done and nothing can change that. But guess what? There are no stains on the pages of tomorrow. So take a day or two and pull yourself together. Then go and kick some ass. After you realize how much ass you've kicked, go and kick some more. Send me a postcard. Cheers.

PS - Not a psychiatrist. Advice is coming from a surgeon. Take at your own warning. Now go get some.

 

[ihazquestionz]

I honestly am not sure why people post things like this nor what they hope to find when they do. Nobody is going to give you validation because it was never ours to give. You are your own person and you are wonderful. You are clearly smart and accomplished. This is your life. You have no idea how long it's gonna last, but we all know that none of us are getting out of this alive. It behooves you to move forward and find peace as soon as you can figure out what that means. Take this time to get to know the solitary version of you and find a way to be comfortable in your own skin. Think what you want. Do what you want. And please stop looking back because it's making you stumble into the future. Whatever happened is already done and nothing can change that. But guess what? There are no stains on the pages of tomorrow. So take a day or two and pull yourself together. Then go and kick some ass. After you realize how much ass you've kicked, go and kick some more. Send me a postcard. Cheers.

PS - Not a psychiatrist. Advice is coming from a surgeon. Take at your own warning. Now go get some.

You know I don't really know why I posted this either...probably because I don't want to talk about it IRL to anyone. I'm not looking for validation...just sad that I am missing out and lost this part of my life that meant (and continues to mean) a lot to me. I'm moving into surgery residency (fingers crossed) and feel like it's only going to get worse. I miss the people that made me happy and wish I was better at juggling work/life. I realize that a lot of people are able to stay in touch with their friends and do everything well and I don't know how I can be better at that so that I don't feel like **** all the time.

Don't get me wrong I'm so excited for residency. But I feel like I've given up things and people that contribute to my well being and I feel down in the dumps abt it.

 

[ihazquestionz]

First of all, you are not a loser, and did the right thing to prioritize your education over friends. Real friends will understand and support you if you are busy with school. I'm not even in medical school yet, just accepted, but I've lost a bunch of friends. Life has to move on and looks like you need to turn the page from undergrad to grad. Don't get stuck in the past. Hold onto your true old friends and try to make news ones in medical school or beyond.

I guess my point is that I didn't hold on to my true friends like I should have and now it's too late.

 

[OtterSpace]

...just sad that I am missing out and lost this part of my life that meant (and continues to mean) a lot to me. I'm moving into surgery residency (fingers crossed) and feel like it's only going to get worse. I miss the people that made me happy and wish I was better at juggling work/life. I realize that a lot of people are able to stay in touch with their friends and do everything well and I don't know how I can be better at that so that I don't feel like **** all the time.

Don't get me wrong I'm so excited for residency. But I feel like I've given up things and people that contribute to my well being and I feel down in the dumps abt it.

I'm terrible at succinct replies but just a couple things OP. 1. Ppl come & go; such is life. You're emotionally intelligent enough to make new friends so go out n fake it till you make it. Small talk w/ strangers (be safe lol) goes along way. It's just a matter of replenishing your social support & it's far from impossible. 2. Those 'things' you've given up? Go find them again. Was it 5am/late-night workouts? Community yoga? An hour of reading by the community pool in your favorite bathing suit? (ppl love my watermelon themed swimming trunks ) Do whatever hobby you need to do that you enjoy & bonus points if it places you in a position to meet strangers!

I guess my point is that I didn't hold on to my true friends like I should have and now it's too late.

3. Maybe it is too late. Maybe you'll never see those ppl again. And maybe you'll only feel better about the distance created after some time. But these feelings WILL pass & you've got a life to live. Get back on that horse OP.

And if anything. Please. PLEASE delete your ex from all your social media. I know 6+yrs together is a lot but it's done now & sunk-costs should not inhibit your right to pursue happiness. Especially when toxic old flames put your self-esteem down. You got this fam😉

 

[Goro]

I'm a little sad today. Not really looking for people to tell me I'm wrong, I kind of get that already.

Some brief background:
In undergrad, was in a sorority and a pretty serious relationship all 4 years. Being pre-med and in lab all the time for research, was hard for me to learn how to balance everything. Had an absolute dingus of a PI who demanded that I be in lab 16 hours a day and with classes, I was too tired to do much else. My first two/three years I was pretty good about going to sorority things but my last year I dropped off the planet. My bf briefly broke up with me in undergrad and I withdrew a lot in an attempt to stay away from alcohol (I don't drink much and was worried I would do smth stupid so I avoided it). I loved all my friends/sorority sisters but my naive self didn't know how to manage everything.

Fast forward 6 years-my bf ghosted me after 7 years together, lost touch with a lot of my friends bec of being so far away in med school. People at my med school are really immature and those that aren't are in serious relationships so I feel like while I'm outgoing and really nice I haven't really developed super meaningful friendships. Also we have a few toxic personalities in my class that make it really hard to be one large happy group (it's really sectioned off bec ppl hate each other). Anyway, with my breakup and the subsequent ****tiness, I was very lost and unhappy (i'm still somewhat off from my baseline). I didn't realize during this time that the world had moved on from me. My friends all stayed in touch and my ex started dating the girl he cheated on me with.

Why am I thinking about all of this? Just found out one of my then close friends is getting married and everyone is invited except me. I am obviously really sad about this but it's not even her fault-I slipped off the radar. I'm sad that I didn't prioritize friendships over school and my relationship. Bec look now-I have nothing. Idk. I'm really upset and have no one to be mad at except myself. Also great for my ex to see pics from the wedding and be like "oh yea of course she didn't get invited and literally everyone else did"...somewhat embarrassing.

Has anyone else been through something like this? If so what helped you feel better or have better perspective (aside from you have the privilege of saving people's lives...like come on you can do that and still have a healthy life)?

Stay busy!
if this continues, seek out a counselor or therapist.

 

[Psai]

asl

 

[ihazquestionz]

Stay busy!
if this continues, seek out a counselor or therapist.

I am always busy lol I need to be able to slow down and not feel like ****. I think therapy might be a good idea even for a bit so I can have a shoulder to cry on without judgment from the whole world.

 

[Goro]

I am always busy lol I need to be able to slow down and not feel like ****. I think therapy might be a good idea even for a bit so I can have a shoulder to cry on without judgment from the whole world.

I suggest visiting your school's counseling center.

 

[ihazquestionz]

I suggest visiting your school's counseling center.

yea been there done that a few times they are a total waste of time. I think I gotta look at other resources maybe?

 

[Goro]

yea been there done that a few times they are a total waste of time. I think I gotta look at other resources maybe?

Do you have faculty advisors/mentors, or just a faculty member you really like (especially any clinical faculty)? If so, go chat with them and see what they can recommend as to where to turn next.

I'm gonna send a flare out to my pal @HomeSkool for some more input.

 

[ihazquestionz]

Do you have faculty advisors/mentors, or just a faculty member you really like (especially any clinical faculty)? If so, go chat with them and see what they can recommend as to where to turn next.

I'm gonna send a flare out to my pal @HomeSkool for some more input.

You know I did-I obviously struggled with my breakup a lot and reached out to a couple faculty mentors. They were really nice but as far as they know I'm over it and everything. They wrote me recs and stuff and I didn't want them to think I can't handle simple life things and expect to be ready for surgery residency. I also don't want to be that persistently annoying med student haha.

 

[brocephalic]

You know I don't really know why I posted this either...probably because I don't want to talk about it IRL to anyone. I'm not looking for validation...just sad that I am missing out and lost this part of my life that meant (and continues to mean) a lot to me. I'm moving into surgery residency (fingers crossed) and feel like it's only going to get worse. I miss the people that made me happy and wish I was better at juggling work/life. I realize that a lot of people are able to stay in touch with their friends and do everything well and I don't know how I can be better at that so that I don't feel like **** all the time.

Don't get me wrong I'm so excited for residency. But I feel like I've given up things and people that contribute to my well being and I feel down in the dumps abt it.

Apparently you didn't learn your lesson. You shouldn't be complaining. Contrary to popular belief, you can't have it all.

 

[sleepyhead22]

I guess my point is that I didn't hold on to my true friends like I should have and now it's too late.

I had something similar happen in graduate school, and realized that if they were "true friends", they wouldn't have fallen out of my life for several reasons- 1. because true friends understand when you're crazy busy and manage to keep in touch in a way that works, 2. I have been able to be honest with my truest friends about things going on in my life/expectations/frustrations and 3. with true friends, the responsibility to maintain a friendship doesn't fall completely on one person's shoulders.

It totally sucks losing a friend group- especially when they're still all together without you. But in the end, if they weren't able to support you/stick with you up til now, they probably wouldn't have lasted throughout the rest of your training. I also have found that, for me, large groups of friends never work out as well as a having a few close friends that I acquired from different settings. Maybe you need to change your expectations of friendship as you age, or maybe you just haven't found that group yet and it could come in residency or beyond.

Hang in there!

 

[operaman]

OP, I wish there were something those of us with a little more "seasoning" could say to assuage the feelings of people in your position. I know -- we all know -- that barring some lightning-strike tragedy, this will pass and you will come through this and be better off for it. None of that helped me when I was in your shoes and I suspect that doesn't help you much now either.

But it does get better.

As someone who went an entirely different direction before medical school, I can tell you that this kind of thing happens to all people in all fields. Maintaining friendships is hard even under the best of circumstances, and people inevitably scatter across the country and gradually grow into different people, people who might not even really be friends now were they to meet anew.

I would venture that the demands of medical school played a tiny role if anything in this; however, your growth as a person and unique experience over the last 3.5 years is something your non-medical friends don't share and would make it harder and harder to maintain a friendship. This is ok and totally normal. You will have similar experiences with your med friends as you all go to different programs. You will grow apart from others as various people marry and others don't, and others have children while others don't. It's less the time demands of school or residency, but rather your walking a different path that makes it harder to maintain friendships with people who aren't in a similar place.

As I look at my own friends, and I'm notoriously bad about keeping in touch, I'll admit it. I've grown apart from a lot of people I was once close to, almost entirely because we've all had our lives go in different directions. We catch up from time to time, but the relationships are different than when we were back singing together or in high school together or college together. It doesn't lessen what we had, but it is a reality of where we all are now. And that's okay. Through it all, there has been a small core cadre of interchangeable people who were most important to me at any given time just as I have moved in and out of that core group for others. It's nothing I did or didn't do, just as your falling off the radar isn't necessarily a result of something you did or didn't do; it's a reflection of how our lives are just different now than they were 3-4 years ago. The reality is that even if you had tried to keep the friendship going, your differing experiences and worldviews would have probably made the relationship more strained and awkward as the years went on. You may have been invited to the wedding, but the relationship itself would probably not be much different than it is now.

Again, I know none of this helps because it probably wouldn't have helped me either. Just know you aren't alone and that we've all been there before and will be again.

 

[raiderette]

It hurts when friends move on. I caught some serious shade when I pulled away junior year from sorority duties. I am also guilty of not keeping up with all my friends, but most understand. As for the guy, be glad he is gone. You will find an upgrade when you are ready. For now, search out a club, find people outside of med school. My bf is someone I met at a volunteer event after noticing him at a gym. Know that you will find new friends. As for the friends getting married, send a genuine congratulations and acknowledge that they were there in your life at one time.

 

[ihazquestionz]

It hurts when friends move on. I caught some serious shade when I pulled away junior year from sorority duties. I am also guilty of not keeping up with all my friends, but most understand. As for the guy, be glad he is gone. You will find an upgrade when you are ready. For now, search out a club, find people outside of med school. My bf is someone I met at a volunteer event after noticing him at a gym. Know that you will find new friends. As for the friends getting married, send a genuine congratulations and acknowledge that they were there in your life at one time.

Yea one of my other sorority girls who is also in med school did a fine job of staying in touch w everyone (she went to school near everyone) and now has both the friends and a good residency. So I feel like I'm the only one who did a bad job of being a good friend. #sigh I almost wonder if I have issues bec I inevitably always put school/research over social things and am starting to question if this was the best thing to do.

 

[raiderette]

Yea one of my other sorority girls who is also in med school did a fine job of staying in touch w everyone (she went to school near everyone) and now has both the friends and a good residency. So I feel like I'm the only one who did a bad job of being a good friend. #sigh I almost wonder if I have issues bec I inevitably always put school/research over social things and am starting to question if this was the best thing to do.

Don't compare yourself to anyone else. You don't answer to anyone else. There is still time to reconnect and time to build new relationships.

 

[Redpancreas]

I'm a little sad today. Not really looking for people to tell me I'm wrong, I kind of get that already.

Some brief background:
In undergrad, was in a sorority and a pretty serious relationship all 4 years. Being pre-med and in lab all the time for research, was hard for me to learn how to balance everything. Had an absolute dingus of a PI who demanded that I be in lab 16 hours a day and with classes, I was too tired to do much else. My first two/three years I was pretty good about going to sorority things but my last year I dropped off the planet. My bf briefly broke up with me in undergrad and I withdrew a lot in an attempt to stay away from alcohol (I don't drink much and was worried I would do smth stupid so I avoided it). I loved all my friends/sorority sisters but my naive self didn't know how to manage everything.

Fast forward 6 years-my bf ghosted me after 7 years together, lost touch with a lot of my friends bec of being so far away in med school. People at my med school are really immature and those that aren't are in serious relationships so I feel like while I'm outgoing and really nice I haven't really developed super meaningful friendships. Also we have a few toxic personalities in my class that make it really hard to be one large happy group (it's really sectioned off bec ppl hate each other). Anyway, with my breakup and the subsequent ****tiness, I was very lost and unhappy (i'm still somewhat off from my baseline). I didn't realize during this time that the world had moved on from me. My friends all stayed in touch and my ex started dating the girl he cheated on me with.

Why am I thinking about all of this? Just found out one of my then close friends is getting married and everyone is invited except me. I am obviously really sad about this but it's not even her fault-I slipped off the radar. I'm sad that I didn't prioritize friendships over school and my relationship. Bec look now-I have nothing. Idk. I'm really upset and have no one to be mad at except myself. Also great for my ex to see pics from the wedding and be like "oh yea of course she didn't get invited and literally everyone else did"...somewhat embarrassing.

Has anyone else been through something like this? If so what helped you feel better or have better perspective (aside from you have the privilege of saving people's lives...like come on you can do that and still have a healthy life)?

Sounds like a combination of you relying on your significant other too much for social stuff and letting yourself drown in your misery and not keep in touch with old friends all throughout medical school. I'm sorry this happened, but I came in just to say that I hope you learnt that you absolutely need a social life (doesn't have to be epic) and you can't afford to continue doing this. As you found out in medical school, those who succeed (sounds like you did too) are rarely the outcasts. They are the one's who have a great group of friends and regularly participate in things with other classmates (and are still gunners on the side). I've said this a ton, but I'll say it again. Medicine isn't really that hard if you can keep yourself happy and you need friends for that. You can make friends easily, but developing close friendships and trust takes time and in the process there will many missteps so I suggest you start putting yourself back out there and taking some risks. The first step is having more respect for yourself, and not blaming it all on yourself. It looks like your "close friend" did a lousy thing by not inviting you. Weddings are not a casual Saturday night out or an "invite-who's-on-fleek" event, but an gathering meant to bring even distant friends together to reminisce. I think the first thing you need to do is either confront this person and tell them how you felt. If you're not comfortable doing that, accept that she's not a close friend, but merely an acquaintance or former friend. Regarding making new friends, this is the culture of medical school and probably residency to some extent. No one feels real and it seems like a toxic culture where everyone's in it for themselves. I guarantee that there are people just like you thinking the same thing and if you talk with them one-on-one you'll see the same fears and insecurities in them that you see in yourself. If you just give up and keep thinking that there's no one worth it out there, you're going to be left behind and you're going to resent your next 5 years as much as your last 4.

Points to take away:

1.) If you're not making friends in medical school/residency, that's on you, not a toxic culture. Friends are critical to your well-being.
2.) Have more respect for yourself.
3.) It may take some time but you'll be back 🙂

 

[Stagg737]

Yea one of my other sorority girls who is also in med school did a fine job of staying in touch w everyone (she went to school near everyone) and now has both the friends and a good residency. So I feel like I'm the only one who did a bad job of being a good friend. #sigh I almost wonder if I have issues bec I inevitably always put school/research over social things and am starting to question if this was the best thing to do.

I guess my point is that I didn't hold on to my true friends like I should have and now it's too late.

Why is it too late and what's stopping you from contacting them now? I have friends who I recently saw for the first time in over 5 years and talked to for the first time in 2 or 3 and we talked for like 2 hours. Had another I grabbed drinks with after an interview who I hadn't seen since UG (which was 7 years ago now). They probably won't magically invite you to their wedding or start talking constantly, but if they're actually your friends they'll want to catch up and stay in contact if possible. The only thing stopping you from trying is yourself. The worst that happens is they say they don't want to, in which case you would then know they weren't as close of friends as you thought they were. If that happens you know to move on and try and make new friends. Either way, it sounds like it's on you at this point, so if you really want to rekindle that relationship it's on you to try to get the ball rolling.

 

[ihazquestionz]

Sounds like a combination of you relying on your significant other too much for social stuff and letting yourself drown in your misery and not keep in touch with old friends all throughout medical school. I'm sorry this happened, but I came in just to say that I hope you learnt that you absolutely need a social life (doesn't have to be epic) and you can't afford to continue doing this. As you found out in medical school, those who succeed (sounds like you did too) are rarely the outcasts. They are the one's who have a great group of friends and regularly participate in things with other classmates (and are still gunners on the side). I've said this a ton, but I'll say it again. Medicine isn't really that hard if you can keep yourself happy and you need friends for that. You can make friends easily, but developing close friendships and trust takes time and in the process there will many missteps so I suggest you start putting yourself back out there and taking some risks. The first step is having more respect for yourself, and not blaming it all on yourself. It looks like your "close friend" did a lousy thing by not inviting you. Weddings are not a casual Saturday night out or an "invite-who's-on-fleek" event, but an gathering meant to bring even distant friends together to reminisce. I think the first thing you need to do is either confront this person and tell them how you felt. If you're not comfortable doing that, accept that she's not a close friend, but merely an acquaintance or former friend. Regarding making new friends, this is the culture of medical school and probably residency to some extent. No one feels real and it seems like a toxic culture where everyone's in it for themselves. I guarantee that there are people just like you thinking the same thing and if you talk with them one-on-one you'll see the same fears and insecurities in them that you see in yourself. If you just give up and keep thinking that there's no one worth it out there, you're going to be left behind and you're going to resent your next 5 years as much as your last 4.

Points to take away:

1.) If you're not making friends in medical school/residency, that's on you, not a toxic culture. Friends are critical to your well-being.
2.) Have more respect for yourself.
3.) It may take some time but you'll be back 🙂

Thanks for the insight. I don't think med school has a toxic culture (read above I said we have a few toxic personalities). I like a lot of people but I don't fit in with how incestuous my class is. I agree though that a healthy social life is key. The people that are the most successful in my class actually don't go out much. They used to maybe first and parts of second year but everyone disappeared in 3rd year because of the schedule.

Also, just FYI I was long distance with my ex for years and absolutely did not depend on him for any form of socialization. So let's safely move away from the "dependent" personality characterization.

 

[ihazquestionz]

Why is it too late and what's stopping you from contacting them now? I have friends who I recently saw for the first time in over 5 years and talked to for the first time in 2 or 3 and we talked for like 2 hours. Had another I grabbed drinks with after an interview who I hadn't seen since UG (which was 7 years ago now). They probably won't magically invite you to their wedding or start talking constantly, but if they're actually your friends they'll want to catch up and stay in contact if possible. The only thing stopping you from trying is yourself. The worst that happens is they say they don't want to, in which case you would then know they weren't as close of friends as you thought they were. If that happens you know to move on and try and make new friends. Either way, it sounds like it's on you at this point, so if you really want to rekindle that relationship it's on you to try to get the ball rolling.

I started making more of an effort for sure, saw a lot of people on the interview trail that I haven't seen in ages.

Bolded: you repeated exactly what I said multiple times...I don't disagree...my point was that I suck at balancing work/life and wish I did a better job at it. I'm trying to be better, I just feel sad that I may have lost a lot of friendships that I valued.

 

[HomeSkool]

You've been offered some excellent advice here, OP. I particularly like what @TypeADissection and @operaman had to say. (I'm calling it now: TypeADissection is a troll. He's not virulent enough to be a real surgeon.) (Ha! I kid my surgical colleague!) I'm going to offer you a combination of a pick-me-up and a kick in the butt.

To me, it seems that much of your current misery stems from having unrealistic expectations and desires. You say you're "missing out" and that you've "lost this part of [your] life that meant (and continues to mean) a lot to [you]." My question is this: what, exactly, do you think you're missing out on? Because I think what you think you're missing out on is not really what you need (or even want, though you haven't cognitively stated as much). You've grown apart from many old friends, and leaving those good times behind is bittersweet. But those times are not what you're missing out on. What you're actually missing out on is the opportunity to grow into new relationships that will enrich the life you're actually living now. You're longing for what once was, but you should be focused on what can yet be. How can you make new friends and find the real love of your life when you're spending all your time staring in the rear view mirror?

You keep talking as if the best parts of your life have already come and gone. I think the best parts of your life are yet to come. And I have proof to support that assertion! Here it is:

• Are you married?
• Do you have kids?
• Have you finished your training and started your exciting and fulfilling career?

If the answer to those things is no, then you have yet to enjoy the best parts of life. Nothing in my life brings me more joy than my wife, my kids, and the fulfillment every day of my childhood dream to be a doctor. Now ask me how fun or easy it was to get to this point. (Never mind. I don't want to talk about it.)

You've also talked about your "true" friends. I don't think you really have a good handle on what a "true" adult friendship looks like. My best friend is an incredible man. He's an anesthesiologist who lives a couple thousand miles away from me. We haven't seen each other in a couple years and I think it's been a month since we spoke. Sometimes we go two or three months without communicating. We don't send each other Christmas cards every year, or birthday cards ever. But every time we do talk, every time we do see each other, we pick right up where we left off. We share some of our deepest concerns and most personal thoughts with one another because that's the level of trust we have. I feel comfortable letting him see who I really am -- not just the good parts, but the ugly and flawed parts, too -- because I know he cares for me the same either way. We love each other like brothers, my kids call him "uncle", and his kids do the same with me. That's what a "true" friend is. How many friendships like that do you think a person can fit in their life?

By the way, I met my best friend when I was 30 years old. That's a big part of what helped us connect and not drift apart: when we met, we'd already gone through the periods of most growth and change in our lives, and had already become the men that we are. You're not the woman you were five years ago and neither are your old friends. You had great times with them, but the best parts of your life are yet to come.

@Goro is a wise man to suggest that you seek counseling and speak with mentors. You say you don't want them to think you can't handle "simple life things", but I say there's nothing simple about breaking up with someone that you've been with for a quarter of your life. You say you don't want to be "that persistently annoying med student", but I say I'd prefer not to be that chronically depressed med student. My dad died during my intern year. It wasn't until six months later that his death really hit me, and I was in real trouble when it did. I needed help, and I got it -- thanks to an attentive friend who intervened when he saw I was in trouble, and a saint of an internship director who immediately canceled his entire afternoon clinic because he could see who really needed his help that day. Know what my end-of-year evaluation said? That I had exceeded all expectations and performed in the top third of a competitive intern class despite suffering a devastating family tragedy early in the year. Not a single word about having needed outside help when the crap really hit the fan. Your mentors won't think less of you because you need help. They'll think more of you for using that help to overcome your challenges. You're in obvious need of an outside party to help you. Go get that help.

And here's the kick in the butt I promised you: you're a big girl going to big-girl school and learning that big-girl relationships are different from what you thought they'd be. Now put on your big-girl pants and go kick some ass.

TL;DR: The best is yet to come. You have the whole world at your feet, and you just don't know it.

P.S. When you think about those past friendships that have slowly faded from your life, remember the wisdom of Dr. Seuss:

 

[Microshaft]

I played sum PUBG 4 man squad last nite

damn we were owning it up in Pecado until we got owned by some snipers (probably hackers)

moral of the story: play some PUBG and u will make some friend and own some noobs 😉

 

[calnat03]

I'm a little sad today. Not really looking for people to tell me I'm wrong, I kind of get that already.

Some brief background:
In undergrad, was in a sorority and a pretty serious relationship all 4 years. Being pre-med and in lab all the time for research, was hard for me to learn how to balance everything. Had an absolute dingus of a PI who demanded that I be in lab 16 hours a day and with classes, I was too tired to do much else. My first two/three years I was pretty good about going to sorority things but my last year I dropped off the planet. My bf briefly broke up with me in undergrad and I withdrew a lot in an attempt to stay away from alcohol (I don't drink much and was worried I would do smth stupid so I avoided it). I loved all my friends/sorority sisters but my naive self didn't know how to manage everything.

Fast forward 6 years-my bf ghosted me after 7 years together, lost touch with a lot of my friends bec of being so far away in med school. People at my med school are really immature and those that aren't are in serious relationships so I feel like while I'm outgoing and really nice I haven't really developed super meaningful friendships. Also we have a few toxic personalities in my class that make it really hard to be one large happy group (it's really sectioned off bec ppl hate each other). Anyway, with my breakup and the subsequent ****tiness, I was very lost and unhappy (i'm still somewhat off from my baseline). I didn't realize during this time that the world had moved on from me. My friends all stayed in touch and my ex started dating the girl he cheated on me with.

Why am I thinking about all of this? Just found out one of my then close friends is getting married and everyone is invited except me. I am obviously really sad about this but it's not even her fault-I slipped off the radar. I'm sad that I didn't prioritize friendships over school and my relationship. Bec look now-I have nothing. Idk. I'm really upset and have no one to be mad at except myself. Also great for my ex to see pics from the wedding and be like "oh yea of course she didn't get invited and literally everyone else did"...somewhat embarrassing.

Has anyone else been through something like this? If so what helped you feel better or have better perspective (aside from you have the privilege of saving people's lives...like come on you can do that and still have a healthy life)?

It happen to the best of us, my advice to you is to keep working hard and accomplish your goals in life. This is a true test of the people in your life that really care about you and what you are doing. When people care about you they will show it; being in Med school is major accomplishment and yes it will take away a lot of your time due to the demands of the program. You are not a loser, the people who abandoned you are the losers, just hang in there because everything happens for a reason and this could be a test for you to see how you endure tribulations. Just keep pushing along!!!

Sent from my 2PZC5 using Tapatalk

 

[deleted480308]

You weren’t in a lab 16hrs a day while taking classes and being extremely involved in a sorority.....you just were not mathematically doing that.....

But if the rest of your post about sadness is sincere and honest, just find an activity that you like and do that instead of focusing on what your ex does on facebook or old friends who don’t invite you to things are doing

Those people aren’t your life and they don’t matter...find new people

 

[thatawkguy]

Hey you cant be as big a loser as me. I'm still in love with a drop dead gorgeous flight attendant who was probably 6 years older than me but who bumped her ass into my head, smiled and said she was sorry, and I basically came right there.

 

[bommer1389]

• Are you married?
• Do you have kids?
• Have you finished your training and started your exciting and fulfilling career?

If the answer to those things is no, then you have yet to enjoy the best parts of life. Nothing in my life brings me more joy than my wife, my kids, and the fulfillment every day of my childhood dream to be a doctor. Now ask me how fun or easy it was to get to this point.

100% agree. I'm just an M1 career changer, lucky to have even been accepted to med school considering past mistakes. Personally, nothing compares to having a sh**ty day, exam, etc., only to have my 1.5 y.o. son climb on my lap, say "dada", and pathetically attempt to count to 10. Perspective is a beautiful thing. You will surely find yours in time (there is no rush).

 

[ihazquestionz]

You weren’t in a lab 16hrs a day while taking classes and being extremely involved in a sorority.....you just were not mathematically doing that.....
But if the rest of your post about sadness is sincere and honest, just find an activity that you like and do that instead of focusing on what your ex does on facebook or old friends who don’t invite you to things are doing
Those people aren’t your life and they don’t matter...find new people

I stopped going to class, it just wasn't possible. I would go on exam days and obviously mandatory lab days for science classes. Some assays needed an hour or two incubation time so I could get other work done during that time. It was really unhealthy, I was sleeping an hour or two a night and I'm pretty sure I have memory deficits as a consequence (my short term memory is **** now). Whatever, learned my lesson (kind of).

You've been offered some excellent advice here, OP. I particularly like what @TypeADissection and @operaman had to say. (I'm calling it now: TypeADissection is a troll. He's not virulent enough to be a real surgeon.) (Ha! I kid my surgical colleague!) I'm going to offer you a combination of a pick-me-up and a kick in the butt.

To me, it seems that much of your current misery stems from having unrealistic expectations and desires. You say you're "missing out" and that you've "lost this part of [your] life that meant (and continues to mean) a lot to [you]." My question is this: what, exactly, do you think you're missing out on? Because I think what you think you're missing out on is not really what you need (or even want, though you haven't cognitively stated as much). You've grown apart from many old friends, and leaving those good times behind is bittersweet. But those times are not what you're missing out on. What you're actually missing out on is the opportunity to grow into new relationships that will enrich the life you're actually living now. You're longing for what once was, but you should be focused on what can yet be. How can you make new friends and find the real love of your life when you're spending all your time staring in the rear view mirror?

You keep talking as if the best parts of your life have already come and gone. I think the best parts of your life are yet to come. And I have proof to support that assertion! Here it is:

• Are you married?
• Do you have kids?
• Have you finished your training and started your exciting and fulfilling career?

If the answer to those things is no, then you have yet to enjoy the best parts of life. Nothing in my life brings me more joy than my wife, my kids, and the fulfillment every day of my childhood dream to be a doctor. Now ask me how fun or easy it was to get to this point. (Never mind. I don't want to talk about it.)

You've also talked about your "true" friends. I don't think you really have a good handle on what a "true" adult friendship looks like. My best friend is an incredible man. He's an anesthesiologist who lives a couple thousand miles away from me. We haven't seen each other in a couple years and I think it's been a month since we spoke. Sometimes we go two or three months without communicating. We don't send each other Christmas cards every year, or birthday cards ever. But every time we do talk, every time we do see each other, we pick right up where we left off. We share some of our deepest concerns and most personal thoughts with one another because that's the level of trust we have. I feel comfortable letting him see who I really am -- not just the good parts, but the ugly and flawed parts, too -- because I know he cares for me the same either way. We love each other like brothers, my kids call him "uncle", and his kids do the same with me. That's what a "true" friend is. How many friendships like that do you think a person can fit in their life?

By the way, I met my best friend when I was 30 years old. That's a big part of what helped us connect and not drift apart: when we met, we'd already gone through the periods of most growth and change in our lives, and had already become the men that we are. You're not the woman you were five years ago and neither are your old friends. You had great times with them, but the best parts of your life are yet to come.

@Goro is a wise man to suggest that you seek counseling and speak with mentors. You say you don't want them to think you can't handle "simple life things", but I say there's nothing simple about breaking up with someone that you've been with for a quarter of your life. You say you don't want to be "that persistently annoying med student", but I say I'd prefer not to be that chronically depressed med student. My dad died during my intern year. It wasn't until six months later that his death really hit me, and I was in real trouble when it did. I needed help, and I got it -- thanks to an attentive friend who intervened when he saw I was in trouble, and a saint of an internship director who immediately canceled his entire afternoon clinic because he could see who really needed his help that day. Know what my end-of-year evaluation said? That I had exceeded all expectations and performed in the top third of a competitive intern class despite suffering a devastating family tragedy early in the year. Not a single word about having needed outside help when the crap really hit the fan. Your mentors won't think less of you because you need help. They'll think more of you for using that help to overcome your challenges. You're in obvious need of an outside party to help you. Go get that help.

And here's the kick in the butt I promised you: you're a big girl going to big-girl school and learning that big-girl relationships are different from what you thought they'd be. Now put on your big-girl pants and go kick some ass.

TL;DR: The best is yet to come. You have the whole world at your feet, and you just don't know it.

P.S. When you think about those past friendships that have slowly faded from your life, remember the wisdom of Dr. Seuss:
View attachment 227615

I don't think they are unrealistic. Like I said tons of people stay in touch with and see their old friends a lot. What I'm missing out on? I feel like...general life things. Weddings are just a tiny part of it. Like doing anything I enjoy. Haven't seen my family in years (most of my family lives abroad), can't remember the last time I did anything "fun"...actually I can, college was the last time I had any fun and it was dumb things like getting coffee at 3 am with friends that meant a lot. I've sucked it up for many years after my "breakup", pulled it together and told myself other people have to deal with far worse and I need to get over it and move on. The ****ty feeling just doesn't seem to go away. Match makes it even scarier because I'm terrified I'll end up even further away from family and friends. When I'm 80 or 90 years old I feel like the quality of my relationships will matter the most, not if I was the best resident of all time or coolest attending with the most instruments named after her.

Also, when I say these things, like now- I feel an immense sense of guilt that tiny things like this is what I'm whining about when relatively most things in my life are fine. It's the isolation and loneliness that bothers me, but that's not life ending.

Thank you for your post though, I'm going to chew on it for a few days.

I played sum PUBG 4 man squad last nite

damn we were owning it up in Pecado until we got owned by some snipers (probably hackers)

moral of the story: play some PUBG and u will make some friend and own some noobs 😉

What is this, hahahaha

 

[Redpancreas]

Thanks for the insight. I don't think med school has a toxic culture (read above I said we have a few toxic personalities). I like a lot of people but I don't fit in with how incestuous my class is. I agree though that a healthy social life is key. The people that are the most successful in my class actually don't go out much. They used to maybe first and parts of second year but everyone disappeared in 3rd year because of the schedule.

Also, just FYI I was long distance with my ex for years and absolutely did not depend on him for any form of socialization. So let's safely move away from the "dependent" personality characterization.

I am sorry that I made incorrect assumptions that made you upset and made my advice less helpful. Looking back, my initial post came off as patronizing and I regret that. If my understanding of the wedding situation is accurate, I hope that point stills stands though, because I felt strongly about that and not putting the blame on yourself.

I'm sure the real top student population is a mix of people who keep to themselves and those who stay balanced, but I actually thought before medical school that all top students would be introverted gunners. Seeing the amount who aren't surprised me which is why I made that point. Also you can say you meant it differently or that this may only be true at your school, but one thing I didn't mention earlier that I took exception to in your post was your characterization of how people are really immature except those in serious relationships...? Anyhow, looks like you got some solid advice here from others and I hope things get better moving forward.

 

[OrthoTraumaMD]

I'm a little sad today. Not really looking for people to tell me I'm wrong, I kind of get that already.

Some brief background:
In undergrad, was in a sorority and a pretty serious relationship all 4 years. Being pre-med and in lab all the time for research, was hard for me to learn how to balance everything. Had an absolute dingus of a PI who demanded that I be in lab 16 hours a day and with classes, I was too tired to do much else. My first two/three years I was pretty good about going to sorority things but my last year I dropped off the planet. My bf briefly broke up with me in undergrad and I withdrew a lot in an attempt to stay away from alcohol (I don't drink much and was worried I would do smth stupid so I avoided it). I loved all my friends/sorority sisters but my naive self didn't know how to manage everything.

Fast forward 6 years-my bf ghosted me after 7 years together, lost touch with a lot of my friends bec of being so far away in med school. People at my med school are really immature and those that aren't are in serious relationships so I feel like while I'm outgoing and really nice I haven't really developed super meaningful friendships. Also we have a few toxic personalities in my class that make it really hard to be one large happy group (it's really sectioned off bec ppl hate each other). Anyway, with my breakup and the subsequent ****tiness, I was very lost and unhappy (i'm still somewhat off from my baseline). I didn't realize during this time that the world had moved on from me. My friends all stayed in touch and my ex started dating the girl he cheated on me with.

Why am I thinking about all of this? Just found out one of my then close friends is getting married and everyone is invited except me. I am obviously really sad about this but it's not even her fault-I slipped off the radar. I'm sad that I didn't prioritize friendships over school and my relationship. Bec look now-I have nothing. Idk. I'm really upset and have no one to be mad at except myself. Also great for my ex to see pics from the wedding and be like "oh yea of course she didn't get invited and literally everyone else did"...somewhat embarrassing.

Has anyone else been through something like this? If so what helped you feel better or have better perspective (aside from you have the privilege of saving people's lives...like come on you can do that and still have a healthy life)?

I was in a place like yours once. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k” by Mark Manson. It will change your outlook like bam, and all the irrelevant BS will fall away.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

 

[ihazquestionz]

I am sorry that I made incorrect assumptions that made you upset and made my advice less helpful. Looking back, my initial post came off as patronizing and I regret that. If my understanding of the wedding situation is accurate, I hope that point stills stands though, because I felt strongly about that and not putting the blame on yourself.

I'm sure the real top student population is a mix of people who keep to themselves and those who stay balanced, but I actually thought before medical school that all top students would be introverted gunners. Seeing the amount who aren't surprised me which is why I made that point. Also you can say you meant it differently or that this may only be true at your school, but one thing I didn't mention earlier that I took exception to in your post was your characterization of how people are really immature except those in serious relationships...? Anyhow, looks like you got some solid advice here from others and I hope things get better moving forward.

No worries I just wanted to clarify because I can see how I can easily come across that way.

I think this is only true at my school. Doesn't really apply to my friends out of med school...we've talked about it quite a bit and it sounds like a unique thing that doesn't broadly apply.

 

[DokterMom]

I was in a place like yours once. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k” by Mark Manson. It will change your outlook like bam, and all the irrelevant BS will fall away.

That sounds like pure gold. Nothing like truly not giving a good frick to free yourself from self-doubt. I take this to mean NOT that you don't care about your friends - you get to love them deeply. It's about not caring overmuch if they love you the same amount back or invite you to every party.

You wrote: "Bec look now-I have nothing."

That is SO UNTRUE! You're almost done with medical school and are becoming a frickin' surgeon. That's SOMETHING! That's an amazing accomplishment that very few people can claim. Yes, sacrifices were made. But don't look at it as time wasted or even spent, look at it as time invested in yourself -- because that's what it is.Of course your former friendships have paled and faded - you've moved so far beyond where you were. You've grown, stretched, matured incredibly.

Now I know you're going to counter with your sorority sister who somehow remained close. Yeah, maybe. But I suspect their friendships aren't all as rosy and true and wonderful as Facebook makes them seem. Either she's stayed the same as she was 4-5 years ago (not optimal, by the way) or the 'fit' between her and them is not what your current melancholy mood assumes it is. Or maybe it IS all that great because she's such an amazing person -- and if so, great for her! (But that doesn't mean you're less than...)

Call your friend the bride-to-be and tell her sincerely how very happy you are to hear her news! As long as you're not secretly fishing for an invitation it's absolutely the right thing to do. (Don't give a frick' about whether someone thinks maybe you're fishing or that maybe you're guilt-tripping them, or - whatever. Do what you'd do if you didn't give a frick.) Tell her you've missed her and missed the gang and regret how you've allowed yourself to get too busy to maintain regular contact - but that you've never stopped thinking about them and all the fun you had together. Then congratulate her again, wish her the best, and move forward with your own life.

What @HomeSkool wrote about "true friendship" is so very true. Those very few truly special people in your life will love you for who you are deep inside; and those friendships don't require high maintenance because the 'fit' is there. It's maybe one in a hundred people who have the capacity to be that friend - or fewer. So get out there and meet some more people. Open yourself up to the opportunities. You're a fourth year -- you can take the time to start again now. They wouldn't have let you into that sorority if you didn't have the ability to make friends.

Now I've got to go write a letter to an old friend... It's been way too long 😉

 

[Microshaft]

What is this, hahahaha

sick game but slightly buggy at the moment

i reconnect with sum old friend when playing this game
just real nice 😀

 

[bigindian4891]

I was in a place like yours once. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k” by Mark Manson. It will change your outlook like bam, and all the irrelevant BS will fall away.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

Read it over break, a fantastic book and highly recommended for keeping sane in school. I wish more of my classmates read it.

 

[ihazquestionz]

Read it over break, a fantastic book and highly recommended for keeping sane in school. I wish more of my classmates read it.

I just started reading it!!! I love it so far #trutru

 

[TheBoneDoctah]

sick game but slightly buggy at the moment

i reconnect with sum old friend when playing this game
just real nice 😀

Hit me up if you wanna squad up sometime. I had to cancel my XBOX live subscription until July 20 (Step 1) because I have no backbone and waste hours playing it instead of doing UW.

 

[Giovanotto]

You weren’t in a lab 16hrs a day while taking classes and being extremely involved in a sorority.....you just were not mathematically doing that.....

But if the rest of your post about sadness is sincere and honest, just find an activity that you like and do that instead of focusing on what your ex does on facebook or old friends who don’t invite you to things are doing

Those people aren’t your life and they don’t matter...find new people

I usually hate you, but I love that you replied to that because it's a huge pet-peeve of mine when people make statements like these.

 

[Giovanotto]

I was in a place like yours once. Read “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k” by Mark Manson. It will change your outlook like bam, and all the irrelevant BS will fall away.


Sent from my iPhone using SDN mobile

What a terrible and pathetic book. I think I got through 20 pages and thought my friends were trolling me by telling me to read it. But here, I've posted a video I wish I had watched when I was 18, and I'm not trying to patronize, but it might help give you some perspective:

 

[The_Sunny_Doc]

Yea one of my other sorority girls who is also in med school did a fine job of staying in touch w everyone (she went to school near everyone) and now has both the friends and a good residency. So I feel like I'm the only one who did a bad job of being a good friend. #sigh I almost wonder if I have issues bec I inevitably always put school/research over social things and am starting to question if this was the best thing to do.

Ask yourself why you care about these sorority friends so much. They’re not the only people you can ever be close to in this world. Perhaps your experience differed from that of my mom and sister, but my mom only still communicates with one woman from her college sorority, and my sister doesn’t speak to any of her former “sisters” after realizing how shallow those relationships were. Fwiw, my sister doesn’t have tons of friends, but is very successful and happy with her career (J.D.) and her family brings her more happiness than anything else in the world.

The people who you were attracted to when you were 20 years old are not the same people you’ll be attracted to in your late twenties. By now, you’ve hopefully grown a ton, become a lot more confident, and learned to set higher standards for the people you allow into your life. Keep in mind that some women might find it difficult to relate to an intensely career-focused woman. Becoming a physician is pretty prestigious, and can make you a little intimidating to some (not all or even most, but some) people. Your sorority friends who became stay-at-home-moms might find it hard to relate to the life you’re leading. The lack of common experiences you’ve shared over the past few years just widens that distance. Don’t blame yourself for having to prioritize your medical training. You had to do so to follow your dream of becoming a surgeon. This is the path you chose, and it diverged from your old friends’ paths so greatly that they’re no longer a part of your world. Those friends helped to shape your life for a season, and that season has ended. Cherish the memories you have with them as you write the next pages of your story.

 

[deleted480308]

I usually hate you, but I love that you replied to that because it's a huge pet-peeve of mine when people make statements like these.

Did we just become best friends?

 

[Giovanotto]

Did we just become best friends?

I....don't know. It's possible.

 

[IMreshopeful]

OP I’m sure some of this is a repeat of what the above folks have said but I do empathize with you. I will say that even in residency you can end up in a similar situation but ultimately you will persevere.

I have friends from college who I am essentially reduced to saying happy birthday to on Facebook who were my closest friends at that time. We went in different directions in life and have different life experiences. It may be a little different for women but for me I have 2-3 very close friends who I keep in touch with to this day. I keep in touch with almost nobody from high school. But all the “friends” I had in college are basically scattered to the wind and doing their own thing. I will say that in medical school our environment wasn’t as toxic as yours sounds but we weren’t all close, even if we hung out with each other occasionally, and even then I’m only really close friends with a couple of them. Shared life experiences do matter. Enter residency - same deal. You spend most of your time working and refining your craft so by default you spend a lot of time with others in your class - some friendships develop and some don’t. And then fellowship which is even smaller - we are all admittedly close and we will probably maintain personal and professional ties when we go wherever we do for work. However core group of friends remains for me those 2-3 individuals who stuck through it with me. My other best friend is my wife of now nearly five years.

You will be fine. Human contact and connection is important to remain healthy both mentally and physically. Your sorority sisters were not providing that anymore, as is often the case with college societies after college ends. You’ll find new friends wherever you are and at whatever age. You’ll move on in life to bigger and better things. Don’t waste your energy on regret and what could have been. I had a period like this in medical school and I am glad I grew out of that funk quickly.

 

[kelminak]

@ihazquestionz Just remember that any relationship, be it a friendship or a romantic one, requires you to put in effort to have it flourish. Short of being dead, there's no reason you can't start investing in friendships today. Drop someone you miss a call. Someone you like hanging out with at your residency? Ask if they want to play board games or something you enjoy one day. You have opportunities both new and old available to you, but you can't hide behind the fact that you chose a surgeon lifestyle as the reason you can't have friendships. You have your lifestyle laid out before you, but it's going to be up to you to work with the free time you have to make friendships come to fruition. They definitely won't come knocking for you on their own. You sound like you're a cool and hardworking person. There are definitely people out there who will respect that and want to be around you.

 

[solitarius]

You have to make sacrifices to become a surgeon.

The boyfriend got tired of being last. Obviously, the sorority was more important to you.

Friends come and go. Ain't no thang.

 

[MSTPlease]

I honestly am not sure why people post things like this nor what they hope to find when they do.

Has anyone else been through something like this? If so what helped you feel better or have better perspective (aside from you have the privilege of saving people's lives...like come on you can do that and still have a healthy life)?

Seems pretty clear to me why OP posted this and what she is looking for.

 

[PharmlyDoc]

No worries I just wanted to clarify because I can see how I can easily come across that way.

I think this is only true at my school. Doesn't really apply to my friends out of med school...we've talked about it quite a bit and it sounds like a unique thing that doesn't broadly apply.

You're going to have some immature people no matter where you go, which I can attest to through pharm school and having worked in 2 different prominent health-systems in the southeast.

I don't intend to come across as unprofessional, but after reading your story it honestly sounds like you need a friend...a friend with benefits.