Fiance not supportive

DrShoegal

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    I have been contemplating going to medical school for a few years now after graduating college. My fiance and I have been together since high school (I'm 26 and he's in his early thirties), no kids. He does not support me with my career choice whatsoever...doesn't want to move because he has a good job, doesn't want the lifestyle,etc. etc. I have tried looking into other careers like nursing but I feel like I will live with regret down the road if I don't choose to go into medicine. He is ready to get married and have kids in a few years and I feel like our age difference is becoming a problem in our relationship because I want to establish a good career first before marriage and since he's not supporting me with this I feel like I'm making a bad choice going through with marriage. He even said he would be fine with me working part time job for few years. He wants to stay close to family and if I go through with med school he thinks I am being selfish for moving away from my family for 4+ years and thinks I will be sacrificing too much. My mom has health issues and he also thinks I should just stay close and "suck it up" and find a job instead of moving away. I am lost, hurt, and confused. I've always been so close to my family and would be the first to move away. The school I want to go is in-state (2 hour drive). He tells me he loves me and just wants to be with me but doen't want to move, we talked about long distance rel. but doesn't want to do that. I feel like I have to choose between love and a career and I don't think that is right. What do I do? Is medicine worth sacrificing family, quality of life,love?
     

    ruralsurg4now

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      Well, it sounds like you sort of already know your answer, which is "no." Obviously, it takes a lot of commitment to support someone, both financially and emotionally, who is going into the medical field. I'm not saying it's a small decision for him. But from the way you put it, he seems to be totally UNsupportive. It's basically like now that he has you, he's taking you completely for granted and putting everything else in his life ahead of you, such as his desire to stay close to family or your dreams. I think if you had to abandon medicine, you'd probably wind up focusing on it and ultimately it may even make you extremely bitter and end your marriage down the road. But you're the only one who knows. To be fair to him, as I said, it's not an easy thing to be the spouse or significant other of someone in the medical field. Also, a 2-hour drive doesn't sound like a lot, but it's a four-hour round-trip drive, so ...that's sort of a haul, you have to admit. I don't see a lot of people doing that on a routine basis.

      I guess what I'm saying is that, to me, since all I can go on is what you write, it sounds like you already think he's a selfish guy. Therefore, I see you becoming angry and bitter about it as time goes on and ultimately questioning your relationship.
       
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      Smurfette

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        It's obvious you recognize that this relationship is not going well. Sounds like no matter what you do, one of you is going to be unhappy and resentful of the choices made. Either you'll be frustrated you didn't pursue your dream, or he'll be frustrated you went down a path he does not want to follow you down. Neither of you will be able to get over it. Better to get out now before marriage and children cause things to be more complicated down the road. Your goals and long term plans are different. Move on, and let him move on. DTMFA.
         
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        shopsteward

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          Going along with a man who is "fine" with a woman having a part-time job "for a few years", before having kids, is the way in which a lot of women end up poor in later life, with few good job options, no pension of their own and dependent on others. You are also being told that you are selfish for wanting to make the best of your life, and being guilted into becoming a carer for your mother (becoming an unpaid carer instead of putting that time and energy into a career is another way in which women end up poor and dependent in later years). Then add in that after all those years your fiance still doesn't know you well enough, or respect you enough as a successful, independent adult, to support your desire to have a career in medicine. It is no wonder you feel lost and hurt - the person who should be the most understanding and supportive in your life is instead focused wholly on his own desires to the complete exclusion of yours.

          You can become a doctor without sacrificing your family, your quality of life and a loving partner. You may need to break up with your fiancé but that is not necessarily a "sacrifice" even for him - you are setting him free to find the home-maker who will better fit his life-goals than you would.

          I hope you will apply for med school. If you do, don't just apply to the school 2 hours drive away - it is fine to have that as your dream school, but getting into med school is difficult, and you need to give yourself the best chance of success by applying to a range of schools for which you meet the admission stats and mission statements. Good luck.
           
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          mercaptovizadeh

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            It's hard to say what you should do. I can understand both perspectives. You're an individual with the full range of dreams and "want to have it all." But also try seeing things from his perspective, he may have a different family model in mind (husband is breadwinner, wife is homemaker and does most the early childrearing, etc.). There's nothing wrong with that model, either. It just may not be a good fit for you if you have strong interests in a career and would like to make sacrifices in that direction.

            Giving up on your fiance may be a sacrifice you need to make in order to pursue medicine.

            I would advise you, however, that you can't have it all. Even if you end up having a thriving career in medicine and marry an equally career-successful man, you will have a constant struggle to juggle work vs. child care vs. the relationship. You will need nannies, and grandmothers, and house cleaners, and au pairs. You will eat a lot of TV dinners, order take out, eat out. You will need help. You can't be 100% childrearer, in home teacher, housecleaner, cook, etc. and 100% doctor, researcher, etc.
             

            Missorleans

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              Just to be clear, you've shadowed docs and volunteered/gotten some clinical experience to be sure that this is the career you really want already right? Do you already have the prereqs or are you going to have to do a post bacc first?
               

              ruralsurg4now

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                I would advise you, however, that you can't have it all.

                I think that's an important thing to keep in mind. When I wrote my reply to the OP, it was basically from the understanding that she'd be dissatisfied with things if she was forced to give up her dreams. That being said, a lot of times people have unrealistic expectations or understandings of what becoming a physician (or anything, for that matter) will mean. In other words, she may be pursuing this dream and abandon her relationship with this guy and then halfway into school realize that she doesn't actually care about it and then have thrown away a perfectly good relationship. But that's life, unfortunately, so it's hard to predict the future. I would say that, again, it's important to keep in mind the burden it places on him, as well. A lot of the female responders have acted like he's basically just a pig who is trying to keep her barefoot and pregnant and that's not necessarily the case, any more so than it would be if the genders were reversed. However, my take from her post is that she's not going to be able to let this dream go, so therefore her relationship is going to have to be sacrificed, as I see it.
                 

                FutureGlobalDoc

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                  I'm 26 as well, and do not feel settling down before medical school is the right choice for me. I think that you should pursue your dreams. The fact that you are asking this question on here implies that you are looking for confirmation to do something that may hurt your guy's feelings. However, if your choice to pursue medicine causes a break up and he truly loves you as you seem to love him.. He will come back.
                   

                  DrShoegal

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                    Thank you all for the advice. I have always been the type of person who works hard to accomplish my goals and I'm personally not ready to settle down at my age. I feel like I have alot of things I want to achieve before I do that. I guess if he loves me enough he will try to work things out if that means trying to have a LDR. We also have a dog which makes it more difficult :( . He is trying to start his own business (at home) so that is another reason he doesn't want to move, which is starting to do very well, it's just getting to the point where I feel envy towards him and like another poster said I will start resenting him which I think is happening already. I just want support from him. We both agree we are on two different pages and see life differently right now. He is a great guy though and treats me great other than this issue! I am presently studying for the MCAT so everything depends on that...thanks again
                     

                    squintgeek

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                      I'm sorry to have to bump up a dormant post, but at the moment I'm pretty much in the same predicament. I'm interested to know if the OP eventually decided to attend Med school after all, and if the fiance agreed to be as supportive as possible?

                      I am supposed to be getting married 2 months from now and my fiance is currently unemployed (he just moved to my city, prior to our wedding). At the beginning of the year, I applied for a scholarship and I just found out that I am an awardee of the full scholarship. Which means I have to move. My fiance however, is unsupportive and does not want to move. So this is pretty much the same situation the OP experienced a while ago, just interested to know what your final decision was? Thanks!
                       
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                      DrShoegal

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                        I'm sorry to have to bump up a dormant post, but at the moment I'm pretty much in the same predicament. I'm interested to know if the OP eventually decided to attend Med school after all, and if the fiance agreed to be as supportive as possible?

                        I am supposed to be getting married 2 months from now and my fiance is currently unemployed (he just moved to my city, prior to our wedding). At the beginning of the year, I applied for a scholarship and I just found out that I am an awardee of the full scholarship. Which means I have to move. My fiance however, is unsupportive and does not want to move. So this is pretty much the same situation the OP experienced a while ago, just interested to know what your final decision was? Thanks!

                        squintgeek,
                        Yes I am still going the med school route. Follow your heart, you will end up doing the right thing (pursue your dream! :) ) If you decide not to go, you will most likely end upi regretting your decision so just do what you want even if it means breaking off the marriage but if you two really love each other it'll work out, maybe you can try a LDR? Good luck
                         

                        Spydra

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                          So DrShoegal, is your fiance still in the picture and now supportive of your choice? I think its so unfortunate that anyone would have to deal with an unsupportive partner, but after looking at threads on here it happens way more often than I realized.
                           

                          DrShoegal

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                            We are still together but it has been really tough. We both agree that we love each other and if we have that it will work out. He's still not going to move so I will be on my own and will try a long distance relationship for awhile. We are going to try to make it work but if it doesn't, I am fine with it-we tried our best and have to move on. I am a very independent person which I think is part of the problem too but when I want something I give 100%. I keep telling myself it's my life and in the end I will be helping others by being a physician and that will be a good feeling. Thoughts?
                             

                            Spydra

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                              I think you're making the right move. You know you won't be happy without pursuing your dream of becoming a physician and you know that career path requires some moving during the school/residency years. There is nothing wrong with you insisting on going for your dream. It would be great if your relationship works out, but if not there will be a different guy at some point.
                               
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                              deleted480308

                                We are still together but it has been really tough. We both agree that we love each other and if we have that it will work out. He's still not going to move so I will be on my own and will try a long distance relationship for awhile. We are going to try to make it work but if it doesn't, I am fine with it-we tried our best and have to move on. I am a very independent person which I think is part of the problem too but when I want something I give 100%. I keep telling myself it's my life and in the end I will be helping others by being a physician and that will be a good feeling. Thoughts?

                                do what you need to do...if he recognizes the value in you enough to stick it out then he'll stick it out. If he doesn't, then you can wait until you find someone who does see your value.

                                don't settle
                                 

                                EMDO2018

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                                  We are still together but it has been really tough. We both agree that we love each other and if we have that it will work out. He's still not going to move so I will be on my own and will try a long distance relationship for awhile. We are going to try to make it work but if it doesn't, I am fine with it-we tried our best and have to move on. I am a very independent person which I think is part of the problem too but when I want something I give 100%. I keep telling myself it's my life and in the end I will be helping others by being a physician and that will be a good feeling. Thoughts?

                                  Trade up to a physician husband
                                   

                                  pathperson

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                                    I have noticed that in my female friends. One just got into med school at age 34, just moved across country with reluctant husband of 15 years and 3 kids. Started class 2 weeks ago.

                                    What did husband do? Whined and moped of course, then enrolled in MORE grad school! Told her he will definitely become a doctor before her.

                                    I'm lucky bc I find all this nonsense foreign. My husband is very supportive. Jokes all the time about being a trophy husband. Also a professional with graduate degree but non-medical. As a third generation woman physician in my family with multiple MD and PHD relatives, both male and female, if my spouse were resentful it would just seem odd. Husband jokes about being the least educated in my family bc has only a masters degree. He thinks it's hilarious.

                                    We have kids. We have a full time nanny and grandparents nearby. My kids are well-adjusted and happy. I would love to stay at home, but long term it's not right for me. Working makes me a better mom. Having adult interactions keeps me sane. I love my kids more than anything, and I feel no need to give up my job to prove that.

                                    It's a busy life, but many stay at home moms are frazzled too. Nothing in life is perfect.

                                    Achievement is sexy. Find someone who agrees.
                                     

                                    that redhead

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                                      We are still together but it has been really tough. We both agree that we love each other and if we have that it will work out. He's still not going to move so I will be on my own and will try a long distance relationship for awhile. We are going to try to make it work but if it doesn't, I am fine with it-we tried our best and have to move on. I am a very independent person which I think is part of the problem too but when I want something I give 100%. I keep telling myself it's my life and in the end I will be helping others by being a physician and that will be a good feeling. Thoughts?

                                      My now-husband and I became long distance (1200 miles) so I could go to vet school. He was (and is) extremely supportive of the endeavor itself but it wasn't at all feasible for him to follow me, job-wise. We got married between my second and third year. The three and a half years have been tough, and for some reason this last year has been the toughest, but we're almost there. It can be done, but so many people let the rest of the world influence their decisions on their relationships. Just do what works for you and your fiance. Be open with your communication.

                                      For what it's worth, I'm glad I decided to pursue my career plan. I won't feel resentful of him having "held me back" and hopefully he won't resent the time we had to spend apart. I think we went into LDR pretty damn strong as a couple and we've matured even further than I really thought possible; cheesy but true. We have the rest of our lives together and in the end, I think four years apart for a chance at a fulfilling career won't seem so bad. I think you made the right decision :)
                                       

                                      Varian Wrynn

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                                        Apologize for being brutal but this is not love. This is saying: I love you but do as I say. Real love, real relationship is about support, compromise, feelings on both sides and not being an egoist turd. I am sorry but you deserve better and why on earth should you not follow your dream. It's also not an age difference but emotional and intellectual.
                                         

                                        Tikaj25

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                                          I have been contemplating going to medical school for a few years now after graduating college. My fiance and I have been together since high school (I'm 26 and he's in his early thirties), no kids. He does not support me with my career choice whatsoever...doesn't want to move because he has a good job, doesn't want the lifestyle,etc. etc. I have tried looking into other careers like nursing but I feel like I will live with regret down the road if I don't choose to go into medicine. He is ready to get married and have kids in a few years and I feel like our age difference is becoming a problem in our relationship because I want to establish a good career first before marriage and since he's not supporting me with this I feel like I'm making a bad choice going through with marriage. He even said he would be fine with me working part time job for few years. He wants to stay close to family and if I go through with med school he thinks I am being selfish for moving away from my family for 4+ years and thinks I will be sacrificing too much. My mom has health issues and he also thinks I should just stay close and "suck it up" and find a job instead of moving away. I am lost, hurt, and confused. I've always been so close to my family and would be the first to move away. The school I want to go is in-state (2 hour drive). He tells me he loves me and just wants to be with me but doen't want to move, we talked about long distance rel. but doesn't want to do that. I feel like I have to choose between love and a career and I don't think that is right. What do I do? Is medicine worth sacrificing family, quality of life,love?
                                          Hello did you find any resolution I am in somewhat the same position.
                                           

                                          DoxMom

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                                            It is your choice, not that of an internet forum - but I'll weigh in. When two people have life goals so very different, marriage is a poor idea. There is more than one partner who will love you, and you can love in return. A career that thwarts you or where you know you could do more important more interesting work is likely to create an unhappy person. One partner is well settled in a certain path and the other is still exploring - part ways, at least for now.
                                             

                                            HemeOncHopeful19

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                                              Hello did you find any resolution I am in somewhat the same position.
                                              You probably won’t get a response since you bumped a 7 year old thread.

                                              IMO for you and any other person that finds themselves in this thread... you really have two questions to ask yourself

                                              1) Am I dating a turdbucket?
                                              and
                                              2) Would I be happier with PA school?

                                              Please note that these are separate questions that should not be intermingled, and under no circumstances should the answer be “I would be happier with PA school so I can stay with this turdbucket.”
                                               
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                                              LADoc00

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                                                I didnt get past the "since highschool" and there is a 5+ year age gap.

                                                So he was like 21 when you were 16? Well played, well played.

                                                And why do posters toss around the term "turdbucket" on this forum? Is this a new thing?

                                                Im gonna a solid definition of turdbucket here soon.
                                                 
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                                                MissDustyBlue

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                                                  Yeah, idk. I’m a non-trad too & glad I’m not in this situation. Anyway, OP made her choice doing LDR w/ that boyfriend who became a fiancé. Then they had 2 kids.

                                                  Maybe it wasn’t right for most who responded here, as I would’ve said something similar, since I’m in the camp of not prioritizing having children before entering either medical or grad school (if it happens during or after, maybe that’s just how it happens. I’m not there yet). However…

                                                  For anyone who finds this thread again, know that every couple is different. Personally, I’ve done long-distance intermittently w/ my bf of almost 4 years because we started dating during his last 2 years of active duty of military service (deployment included). We made it work, but it takes a lot of trust & AS MUCH COMMUNICATION AS POSSIBLE about everything that comes up as a concern, issue, triumph, and you have to be honest w/ your plan.

                                                  Furthermore, I don’t know why but I happen to have found a so-called “unicorn” boyfriend who is fine w/ me going pre-med & is ok w/ the idea of delaying marriage until I get to grad school or medical school. He’s also a weirdo b/c he wants to go to grad/law school. We are both determined to stay together & I am lucky he’s very supportive of what I want. It takes two though.

                                                  Again: Everyone is different with preferences and circumstances that not everyone can match. Some make it and I’m still in the process of living these things out. One day at a time though!

                                                  So to everyone, just do what you can but be honest; meaning don’t over-promise & don’t sell yourself short!
                                                   
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