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funny story- bio & more..

Discussion in 'Pre-Medical - MD' started by 14457, Nov 28, 2002.

  1. 14457

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    A professor stood before his class of twenty senior organic biology students, about to hand out the final exam.

    "I want to say that it's been a pleasure teaching you this semester. I know you've all worked extremely hard and many of you are off to medical school after summer. So that no one gets their GPA messed up because they might have been celebrating a bit too much this week, anyone who would like to opt out of the final exam today will receive a 'B' for the course."

    There was much rejoicing in the class as students got up, walked to the front of the class, and took the professor up on his offer. As the last taker left the room, the professor looked out over the handful of remaining students and asked, "Anyone else? This is your last chance." One final student rose up and opted out of the final.

    The professor closed the door and took attendance of those students remaining. "I'm glad to see you believe in yourself," he said. "You all get 'A's."
  2. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    My friend sent me the last joke through e-mail and this one too.

    "The Final Exam"

    The setting is Ohio State University about six or seven years ago in a huge lecture hall (approximately 1000 students) for a Calculus final.

    Apparently this particular calculus teacher wasn't very well liked. He was one of those guys who would stand at the front of the class and yell out how much time was remaining before the end of a test, a real charmer.

    Since he was so busy galavanting around the room making sure that nobody cheated and that everyone was aware of how much time they had left before their failure on the test was complete, he had the students stack the completed tests on the huge podium at the front of the room. This made for quite a mess, remember there were 1000 students in the class.

    During this particular final, one guy entered the test needing a decent grade to pass the class. His only problem with Calculus was that he did poorly when rushed, and the lecturer standing in the front of the room, barking out how much time was left before the tests had to be handed in, didn't help him at all.

    He figured he wanted to assure himself of a good grade, so he hardly flinched when the professor said, "Pencils down and submit your scantron sheets and work to piles at the front of the room".

    Five minutes turned into ten, ten into twenty, twenty into fourty, and almost an hour after the test was 'officially over', our friend finally put down his pencil, gathered up his work, and headed to the front of the hall to submit his final. The whole time, the professor had been sitting at the front of the room, strangely waiting for the student to complete his exam.

    "What do you think you're doing?" the professor asked as the student stood in front of him about to put down his exam on one of the neatly stacked piles of exams. It was clear that the professor had waited only to give the student a hard time.

    "Turning in my exam," retorted the student confidently.

    "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you," the profesor gloated, "Your exam is an hour late. You've failed it and, consequently, I'll see you next term when you repeat my course."

    The student smiled slyly and asked the professor "Do you know who I am?"

    "What?" replied the professor grufly, annoyed that the student showed no sign of emotion.

    The student rephrased the question mockingly, "Do you know what my name is?"

    "No", snarled the professor.

    The student looked the professor dead in the eyes and said slowly, "I didn't think so." He lifted up one of the stacks half way, shoved his test neatly into the center of the stack, let the stack fall burying his test in the middle, turned around, and walked casually out of the huge lecture hall.
  3. Gleevec

    Gleevec Peter, those are Cheerios
    7+ Year Member

    Nov 24, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Haha I really hope these are urban legends, otherwise I attended the wrong university! :D
  4. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Grade Change Form

    To: Professor____________________ From:___________________________

    I think my grade in your course,___________________, should be changed from ______ to _______ for the following reasons:

    ______1. The persons who copied my paper made a higher grade than I did.
    ______2. The person whose paper I copied made a higher grade than I did.
    ______3. This course will lower my Grade Point Average and I won't get into
    ______Medical School ______Graduate School
    ______Dental School ______My Fraternity/Sorority
    ______The Mickey Mouse Club ______Tri County Tech
    ______4. I have to get an A in this course to balance the F in _______________.
    ______5. I'll lose my scholarship.
    ______6. I'm on a varsity sports team and my tutor couldn't find a copy of your exam.
    ______7. I didn't come to class and the person whose notes I used did not cover the material asked for on the exam.
    ______8. I studied the basic principles and the exam wanted every little fact.
    ______9. I learned all the facts and definitions but your exams asked about general principles.
    _____10. You are prejudiced against:
    ______Males ______Jews ______Blacks
    ______Females ______Catholics ______Whites
    ______Protestants ______Moslems ______Minorities
    ______Chicanos ______People ______Students
    _____11. If I flunk out of school my father will disinherit me or at least cut my allowance.
    _____12. I was unable to do well in this course because of the following illness:
    ______mono ______broken baby finger
    ______acute alcoholism ______pregnancy
    ______VD ______fatherhood
    _____13. You told us to be creative but you didn't tell us exactly how you wanted that done.
    _____14. I was creative and you said I was just shooting the bull.
    _____15. I don't have a reason; I just want a higher grade.
    _____16. The lectures were:
    ______too detailed to pick out important points
    ______not explained in sufficient detail
    ______too boring
    ______all jokes and not enough material
    ______all of the above
    _____17. This course was:
    ______too early, I was not awake.
    ______at lunchtime, I was hungry
    ______too late, I was tired
    _____18. My (dog, cat, gerbil) (ate / wet) on my
    (book, notes, paper) for this course.
    _____19. Other___________________________________________________

    Here is a another one , but I got it through an e-mail from jokesandhumor.com
  5. ucbdancn00

    ucbdancn00 Senior Member
    7+ Year Member

    Jul 13, 2002
    Likes Received:
    that's some straight pimp ****....

    hmmm maybe i should try that ;)

  6. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Here is one, since it is almost Christmas, lol.
    Twas the night before finals,
    And all through the college,
    The students were praying
    For last minute knowledge.

    Most were quite sleepy,
    But none touched their beds,
    While visions of essays
    Danced in their heads.

    Out in the taverns,
    A few were still drinking,
    And hoping that liquor
    Would loosen their thinking.

    In my own apartment,
    I had been pacing,
    And dreading exams
    I soon would be facing.

    My roomate was speechless,
    His nose in his books,
    And my comments to him
    Drew unfriendly looks.

    I drained all the coffee,
    And brewed a new pot,
    No longer caring
    That my nerves were shot.

    I stared at my notes,
    But my thoughts were muddy,
    My eyes were ablur,
    I just couldn't study.

    "Some pizza might help,"
    I said with a shiver,
    But each place I called
    Refused to deliver.

    I'd nearly concluded
    That life was too cruel,
    With futures depending
    On grades had in school.

    When all of a sudden,
    Our door opened wide,
    And Patron Saint Put It Off
    Ambled inside.

    His spirit was careless,
    His manner was mellow,
    He looked down at me,
    And started to bellow:

    "What kind of student
    Would make such a fuss,
    To toss back at teachers
    What they tossed at us?"

    "On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
    On Last Year's Exams!
    On Wingit and Slingit,
    And Last minute crams!"

    His message delivered,
    He vanished from sight,
    But we heard him laughing
    Outside in the night.

    "Your teachers have pegged you,
    So just do your best,
    Happy Finals to All,
    And to All, a Good Test!"
  7. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

    "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

    He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

    Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means."

    The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

    Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.

    So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

  8. ItNeverEnds

    ItNeverEnds Senior Member
    7+ Year Member

    Jun 23, 2002
    Likes Received:
  9. Cerberus

    Cerberus Heroic Necromancer
    Physician 10+ Year Member

    Dec 13, 2001
    Likes Received:
    Attending Physician
    My cousin told me a story very similar to this. He was taking the final in organic II in huge lecture hall with a ton of students and near the end of the test the professor called a student up to the front because he saw he was cheating. The student walked up to the front where there was a huge stack of tests put his on top, then picked up the stack, tossed it in the air and walked out:laugh:
  10. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here?

    Doctor: You've had an accident involving a bus.

    Patient: What happened?

    Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

    Patient: Give me the bad news first.

    Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

    Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news?

    Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

  11. limit

    limit Molesting my inner-child
    10+ Year Member

    Jun 21, 2000
    Likes Received:
    There was a commercial made out of this scenario:

    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  12. Kry

    Kry cranky
    10+ Year Member

    Jun 12, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Attending Physician
    yea, there was also a movie with a similar scenario that came out last year, don't remember what movie it was though.
    Stop hovering to collapse... Click to collapse... Hover to expand... Click to expand...
  13. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Subject: Medical "humor"

    A collection of documentation statements actually found on patient's
    charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were
    written by various health care professionals including (we are afraid) a
    doctor or two at several major hospitals.

    The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

    The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the
    pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

    Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

    The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989
    when she got a divorce.

    The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran
    out of gas and crashed.

    I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical

    The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who
    is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

    Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los

    She is numb from her toes down.

    Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

    The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
    stockbroker instead.

    When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
  14. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    The following quotes were lifted verbatim from the medical records ofa general hospital in a large metropolitan area.

    "There is a pressure bandage on the hip which is markedly swollen and tender."

    "Patient is a newborn infant delivered over an intact perineum which cried spontaneously."

    "Patient experiences difficulty swallowing tires easily."

    "Patient had bronchoscopy today.Exam showed normal bowel to 25 cm."

    "History: Patient was shot in head with .32 caliber rifle.Chief Complaint: Headache."

    "Patient has difficulty walking on Digitalis."

    "Patient had a D&C a year ago and all of her eyebrows came off."

    "Patient referred to hospital for repair of hernia by a social service worker."

    "Patient sent to hospital for erosion of the cervix by a local medical doctor."

    Dictated: "Patient had a Pap smear today."Transcribed: "Patient had a Pabst beer today."

    "This was a nonsterile delivery by the nurse in the bed of a five pound male infant."

    "Patient was struck by an auto while she was walking across the street at approximately 45 miles per hour."

    "Patient complains of worsening acne and itching rash as well as nasal congestion of his trunk."

    "Patient referred to hospital by private physician with green stools."

    "This 54-year-old female is complaining of abdominal cramps with BMs on the one hand and constipation on the other."

    "This mother of a 2-year-old desires a circumcision."

    "Patient has been married twice, but denies any other serious illnesses."

    "Patient's wife hit him over the head with an ironing board which now has six stitches on it."

    "Patient is separated from his wife, and he also is allergic to Penicillin."

    "This 8-year-old came to the GU clinic with his mother who has an absent right testicle since birth."

    "Patient has no children and she doesn't smoke or drink either."

    "She moves her bowels roughly, three times a day."

    "This GU patient states he urinates around the clock every two hours."

    [Male patient] "Pelvic exam: Deferred."

    "Rx: Mycostatin vaginal suppositories, #24, Sig: Insert daily until exhausted."

  15. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    *The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1998.

    *She was divorced last April.No other serious illness.

    *The patient was somewhat agitated and had to be encouraged to feed and eat himself.

    *Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

    *The patient developed a puffy right eye, which was felt to be caused by an insect bite by an ophthalmologist.

    *The patient refused autopsy.

    *The patient has no history of suicides.

    *Apparently the mother resented the fact that she was born in her forties.

    *He had a left-toe amputation one month ago. He also had a left above the knee amputation last year.

    *She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
    directions in early December.

  16. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

    "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

    Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

    Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

    Hand me that ... uh ... that uh..... thingie

    Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

    Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

    There go the lights again...

    "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys.. and this guy's got two of'em.

    Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

    Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my
    concentration off.

    What's this doing here?

    I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

    That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

    Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

    Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?

    What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...

    OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of

    This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

    Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

    Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

    What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

    FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

    Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
  17. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Many women are afraid of their first
    mammogram, but there is no need
    to worry. By taking a few minutes each
    day for the week preceding the
    exam and doing the following practice
    exercises, you will be totally
    prepared for the best. And, best of all,
    you can do these simple practice
    exercises right in your own home.

    Exercise #1: Freeze two metal bookends
    overnight. Strip to the waist.
    Invite a stranger into the room. Press
    the bookends against one of
    your breasts. Smash the bookends together
    as hard as you can. Set an
    appointment with the stranger to meet next
    year and do it again.

    Exercise #2: Open your refrigerator door
    and insert one breast between
    the door and the main box. Have one of
    your strongest friends slam
    the door shut as hard as possible and lean
    on the door for good measure.
    Hold that position for five seconds.
    Repeat again in case the first
    time wasn't effective enough.

    Exercise #3: Visit our garage at three in
    the morning when the
    temperature of the cement floor is just
    perfect. Take off all your
    warm clothes and lay comfortable on the
    floor with one breast wedged
    under the rear tire of the car. Ask a
    friend to slowly back the car up
    until your breast is sufficiently
    flattened and chilled.
    Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

    Congratulations! Now you are properly
    prepared for your next
  18. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"

    1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
    2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
    3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
    4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
    5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
    6. Exam room has a tip jar.
    7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
    8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
    9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
    10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning,"
    11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
    12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
    13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
    14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
    15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
    16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
    17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
    18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
    19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
    20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
    21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
    22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
    23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
    24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
    25. Recycled bandages.
    26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
    27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
    28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
    29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
    30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
  19. OP

    14457 Guest

    Jun 25, 2002
    Likes Received:
    Welcome to Managed Friendship, a whole new way of thinking about friends
    and relationships. The Managed Friendship Plan (MFP) combines all the
    advantages of a traditional friendship network with important cost-saving features.

    How Does It Work?

    Under the Plan, you choose your friends from a network of pre-screened accredited Friendship Providers (FPs). All your friendship needs are met by members of your Managed Friendship Staff.

    What's Wrong with my Current Friends?

    If you're like most people, you are receiving friendship services from a network of providers haphazardly patched together from your old neighborhoods, jobs, and schools. The result is often costly duplication, inefficiency, and conflict. Many of your current friends may not meet national standards, responding to your needs with inappropriate, outmoded, or even experimental acts of friendship. Under Managed Friendship, your friendship needs are coordinated by your designated Best Friend, who will ensure the quality and goodness of fit of all your friendly relationships.

    How Do I Know That the Plan's Panel of Friends Is Not Made Up of a Bunch of Losers Who Can't Make Friends on Their Own?

    Many of today's most dedicated and highly trained Friendship Providers are as concerned as we are about delivering Quality Friendship in a cost-effective manner. They have joined our network because they want to focus on acting like a friend rather than doing the paperwork and paying the high bad-friendship premiums that have caused the cost of traditional friendship to skyrocket. Our Friendship Providers have met our rigorous standards of companionship and loyalty.

    What If I Need a Special Friend, Say, for Poker or Fishing?

    Special Friends are responsible for most of the unnecessary and
    expensive activities that burden already costly relationships. Under the Managed Friendship Plan, your Best Friend is qualified to pre-approve your referral to a Special Friend within the Managed Friendship Network should your needs fall outside of the scope of his/her friendship.

    Suppose I Want to See Friends Outside the Managed Friendship Network?

    You may make friends outside of the Managed Friendship Network only in the event of a Friendship Emergency.

    What is a Friendship Emergency?

    The Managed Friendship Plan covers your friendship needs 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, even if you need a friend out of town, after regular business hours, or when your Best Friend is with someone else. You might be on a business trip, for instance, and suddenly find that you feel lonely.
    In such cases, you may make a New Friend, and all approved friendly activities will be covered under the Plan, provided you notify the Managed Friendship Office (or 24-hour Friendship Hotline) within two business days.

    What Friendly Activities Are Covered Under the Plan?

    Friendly Activities that are typically covered include:
    Agreeing with you
    - Appearing sympathetic
    - Chewing the fat
    - Dropping by
    - Feeling your pain
    - Gossiping
    - Hanging out
    - Holding your hand (up to 5 minutes per activity)*
    - Joshing
    - Kidding around
    - Listening to you whine
    - Partying
    - Passing the time
    - Patting your back
    - Ribbing
    - Sharing a meal
    - Shooting the breeze
    - Slinging the bull
    - Teasing
    *up to 15 minutes under the Premium Gold Friendship Plan

    What Friendly Activities Are Not Covered Under the Plan?

    Activities that would not be pre-approved include (but are not limited to):

    - Bar hopping
    - Bending over backwards
    - Drinking to excess
    - Giving a hoot
    - Going the extra mile
    - Lending money
    - Real empathy
    - Sexual favors
    - Truly caring
    - Using illicit drugs

    How Can I Find Out More About the Managed Friendship Plan?

    A simple call is all it takes. If you need a friend, just call our
    toll-free number. Or visit our web site. Sign up for the Managed
    Friendship Plan and rest easier that all of your appropriate friendship needs will be met.

    Who Decides What's Appropriate for Me?

    We do. Isn't that what friends are for?

    ---> :laugh: lol

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