Give and Take advice

[OrdinaryDO]

Hey SDN, I want to preface this real quick by saying that I am 100% serious about this question - I know it's cliche, but I'm concerned.

I have a fiancé who I have been with for 3 years and we are set to be married soon. However, we have been sort of fighting a lot these last few months, but they aren't bad fights they are just over things that are just down right silly and not even worth it. It has got me thinking about something I hear from men in long standing relationships (40+ years). They always say that "the woman is always right..even when they're wrong." I understand the initiative to try and avoid confrontation by just agreeing and letting it go no matter how you feel about the situation, but I am scared to do that because in previous relationships I feel like it was exactly that which gave my ex-gf's the feeling that they could just walk all over me at times since I never fought back.

To what extent does this saying hold true, and does anyone else in a successful and fun relationship follow this advice at all? I don't wanna give off the wrong impression that she is a B****, because we are happy 95% of the time. However, fighting gets old and I hate doing it. Would agreeing to let it go and let her win be the right way to go, in your opinion?

Thanks!

---

Members don't see this ad.

 

[lymphocyte]

Would agreeing to let it go and let her win be the right way to go, in your opinion?

*Partner says something I think is completely idiotic.*
"You know, you might be right."

Crisis averted.

She does the same for me. Probably a lot more than I appreciate.

On the other hand...

I understand the initiative to try and avoid confrontation by just agreeing and letting it go no matter how you feel about the situation

This just seems like a recipe for misery. Some things, you really do need to stand your ground on. Any healthy relationship still has boundaries; you just get better over time at recognising them in each other--and recognising which ones are actually important within yourself--so that when you do disagree, it doesn't feel so badly to acquiesce for the greater good.

I'm just curious what emotions are driving you to feel scared. You say your ex walked all over you; is your current girlfriend doing the same thing? You've known her for 3 years. Is she the kind of person who would do that?

 

[OrdinaryDO]

*Partner says something I think is completely idiotic.*
"You know, you might be right."

Crisis averted.

She does the same for me. Probably a lot more than I appreciate.

On the other hand...



This just seems like a recipe for misery. Some things, you really do need to stand your ground on. Any healthy relationship still has boundaries; you just get better over time at recognising them in each other--and recognising which ones are actually important within yourself--so that when you do disagree, it doesn't feel so badly to acquiesce for the greater good.

I'm just curious what emotions are driving you to feel scared. You say your ex walked all over you; is your current girlfriend doing the same thing? You've known her for 3 years. Is she the kind of person who would do that?

Thanks for your response, but to answer your question no, my fiancé wasn't like that at all to begin with. However, I am starting to get the feeling that we are arguing much more than we normally do over the smallest of things and it's not worth it but we fight about it anyway. Then, 10 minutes later we talk about how dumb it was to fight about that thing and we talk about what all is going wrong with the relationship in the near past. I'm just not sure if I am way too challenging towards everything she is saying or if I should just let all of the senseless things slide off my back and let it go..it's a difficult balance, because I really wanna marry her and be with her forever. Lol

 

[Caia]

Is there any way you can both try to help each other realize what you're about to fight about is objectively silly and not worth it?

 

[lymphocyte]

Thanks for your response, but to answer your question no, my fiancé wasn't like that at all to begin with. However, I am starting to get the feeling that we are arguing much more than we normally do over the smallest of things and it's not worth it but we fight about it anyway. Then, 10 minutes later we talk about how dumb it was to fight about that thing and we talk about what all is going wrong with the relationship in the near past. I'm just not sure if I am way too challenging towards everything she is saying or if I should just let all of the senseless things slide off my back and let it go..it's a difficult balance, because I really wanna marry her and be with her forever. Lol

It sounds like you two are bickering and in a communication rut. That's normal in any relationship. But the solution isn't to accept the bickering passively--and set yourself up for misery--it's either to 1) dig deep and figure out way you're fighting so much recently, or 2) reflect on your communication style. If you've been getting along for 3 years, it's probably not the latter, unless you're letting bad communication habits creep in.

So what else has changed in life? Step 1 coming up? Cold feet about getting married? Family being nutty? Moving? If you two keep returning to "what all is going wrong with the relationship in the near past," these arguments might be a symptom of something underlying.

 

[nlax30]

I agree with lymphocyte's advice above and that you need to look below the surface and try and find the root cause of all this since this is a relative new, potentially escalating thing.

Do my spouse and I argue? Of course, its natural and part of relationships but we do try and make an effort to figure out the actual issue and usually it's something extraneous that one of us is bringing to the table and letting spill over into our relationship, and it's usually me with stress from work or upcoming exam or something.

For the little things we bicker about I usually just let it go unless it's something I feel strongly about that really matters in the scheme of things. If it's really something that I don't feel strongly about but that she does then I defer to her and pick my battles.

And don't go to bed angry. An older couple gave us that advice early on.

 

[deleted480308]

Work this crap out premarriage, get a legit relationship counselor and work through this before a wedding. Marriage does not make things like this easier. I'll also suggest that while there are some things you need to let go the "women can do whatever the hell they want because they are women and can't be trusted to be addresed rationally" isn't a healthy approach forever. My wife doesn't get any blowback from me on certain topics because she's just way too sensitive about her opinions on them, but I keep that list small enough that I don't have to walk in eggshells. You have to choose a line that you are willing to put up with for the rest of the relationship and let her know it before you say "i do". It's not fair to ambush her with new expectations post marriage

You need to know if you can solve this before you tie your life and assets together.

 

[OrdinaryDO]

After reading all of the responses you all graciously posted, it does make quite a bit of sense. Here just very recently after are last small argument, we kind of talked it out and found out what the issues were. For the most part she is usually the one who gets mad first because of how I come off, which in her eyes I come off as angry. However, in MY eyes, I am not angry at all! So, when she gets mad it sets off a chain reaction and builds up to something it never should have been. As for what you said, Lymphocyte, yes we have had a lot going on lately. Family going a bit crazy about personal issues doesn't help the matter and having grown up in two completely different life-styles kind of makes it a little difficult to adapt as well. My new approach is similar to what the two posters above me mentioned. I am going to try an pick my battles, keep my list short, and watch out on topics she feels very sensitive about. I just thought maybe I was being too confrontational at times or arrogant. However, maybe this is what the problem was the whole time.

 

[Pixiwoman]

After reading all of the responses you all graciously posted, it does make quite a bit of sense. Here just very recently after are last small argument, we kind of talked it out and found out what the issues were. For the most part she is usually the one who gets mad first because of how I come off, which in her eyes I come off as angry. However, in MY eyes, I am not angry at all! So, when she gets mad it sets off a chain reaction and builds up to something it never should have been. As for what you said, Lymphocyte, yes we have had a lot going on lately. Family going a bit crazy about personal issues doesn't help the matter and having grown up in two completely different life-styles kind of makes it a little difficult to adapt as well. My new approach is similar to what the two posters above me mentioned. I am going to try an pick my battles, keep my list short, and watch out on topics she feels very sensitive about. I just thought maybe I was being too confrontational at times or arrogant. However, maybe this is what the problem was the whole time.

Relantionships can be hard, but if you love each other enough you should fight to make it work, communication is the key

 

[OrdinaryDO]

We are doing much better here lately. It really does take some sitting down and hashing things out to make it better. I think one of my biggest issues was we would fight over silly things and just get over it and leave it at that. However, now, we talk about what happened and try to give one another our points of view. No one wants to be "wrong" in an argument, but I find it hard to believe anyone argues for the fun of it. Therefore, I think it is key to get the perspective of your significant other to get a better idea of how and why it happened. Thanks everyone!

 

[Pixiwoman]

We are doing much better here lately. It really does take some sitting down and hashing things out to make it better. I think one of my biggest issues was we would fight over silly things and just get over it and leave it at that. However, now, we talk about what happened and try to give one another our points of view. No one wants to be "wrong" in an argument, but I find it hard to believe anyone argues for the fun of it. Therefore, I think it is key to get the perspective of your significant other to get a better idea of how and why it happened. Thanks everyone!

This is encouraging and beautiful....