I'm not really sure what it is, but I think it's just the combination of everything. It's all the sickness everywhere in the hospital - it scares me. I dream every day of just waking up and finding out that I actually work in a nice, clean, quiet office where people are all doing well and healthy, like the millions of offices that most people work in every day. I see my friends instagramming pics of their normal, nonchaotic, seemingly boring offices and I'm jealous. That's all I ever wanted in my life. I didn't want this. I'm also incredibly disorganized. I've tried so many ways to organize stuff, but it just never stays in my head. I also have a lot of concentration difficulty and forgetfulness. I zone out a lot and I don't even realize it. I just did my AI and I could barely handle 3 patients without losing it. My attending picked up on how anxious I was and was nice to me, because she felt bad. But I won't have that in residency. I'll be out the door. I can't deal with so many new people every day. I have always had social anxiety and medical school has amplified it to the max.
I hate how medicine's always there. I can't ever just shut it off and not have anything to worry about it. It's always there. There's always something.
Most of all, I just don't really care about medicine. I don't find any of this stuff really interesting or exciting at all. If it was a mindless 8-5 job where my head could be somewhere else all day, that would be fine. I could do that. But in medicine I have to keep thinking all the time about medicine, and I don't want to. It's so invasive in my brain. It never goes away. It never ends.
I dunno. I've thought about radiology but a year of internal medicine first? I'd never survive. Pathology maybe, but once again I just don't care. I don't know if I can force myself to spend so many hours doing something I frankly don't find interesting.
I just wanted to be an engineer like my dad. That's all I wanted.