GS-1 - Going through a rough patch, thinking about quitting.

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TheHappyLingcod

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Hi everyone, I was an active member of SDN but I'm here on a throwaway because it's a small world.

I am a GS-1 having a difficult time in my lab. For the last several months, I've been on a project that my mentor has just now made clear to me is just a "practice" project that he doesn't expect anything to come of it. The bigger problem that is on my hands right now is that I've spent the last 3 months trying to come up with a project for my qualifying exam/F30/dissertation (they're lumped in the same package). I feel like I've gotten nowhere and every proposal that I've come up with has been rejected and/or fallen flat. It is likely more of a fault of my own rather than my mentor's but I feel like I just can't cut it because I can't properly ask a scientific question and understand my mentor's advice. My mentor and I have gotten into a rough patch where both of us are losing patience with each other. He's getting increasingly frustrated with me because I just can't make any progress and I'm getting frustrated with myself because I just can't do my job. I'm getting frustrated with him for letting me go about this on my own when I'm obviously struggling. It's frustrating to know that him crushing yet another effort on my part is just another 30 minute meeting to him while it's a week of compulsively working in my office until 2am for me. My mentor operates under the philosophy that I should develop my own idea de novo but he is obviously manipulating me into going in the direction that he wants me to go. I just want him to tell me what he wants me to study so that I don't have to waste my time guessing anymore. Of course, the few times when I've indicated that I need any kind of direction or guidance, he implies that I'm no better than one of the techs in our lab (no offense to the techs).

Today feels like the last straw. I've barely slept in the last week because I am doing lab work for my "practice" project and working on my proposal. As expected, I got burned again today in a meeting with my mentor. I've spent the majority of the day since then switching between fighting off a nervous meltdown and laying on my couch feeling depressed and hopeless. Is it time to just call it a day and quit the program? If I don't drop out, then I don't see myself lasting much longer because I'll probably fail the qualifying exam anyways. I don't know if anybody else is going through the same thing but I just can't see a situation where I can successfully complete a PhD right now.

Grad school has also taken a toll on my health. Since starting, I've lost 20lbs, been diagnosed with depression, and I'm struggling with the downwards spiral that is my physical and mental health. The majority of the students and postdocs in our research group are fighting with their own mental health issues and most are on antidepressants. This is melodramatic but I don't know if I can return to being the same person after this and I can't even imagine how another 3.5 years will damage my mental health and personality. I'm already on an SSRI and CBT through my institution and it's been of limited help. As we know, trying to treat a chronic condition without removing the source is ultimately pointless. I don't know if this is worth it anymore and I would like some input, insight, or comments on how I can manage this situation.

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Really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time.

Another option that you could consider is switching labs. A few of the people in my MD/PhD program did this at the end of GS1 (or even a bit after) and it seemed to work out ok for them.
 
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See about switching labs first since it seems your PI's management style isn't working for you.

EDIT: If the new lab doesn't work out there is no shame in cutting your losses and moving on. The phd can take a toll on anyone. Protect your own well being. And remember there is more than one path to becoming a physician scientist.
 
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See about switching labs first since it seems your PI's management style isn't working for you.

EDIT: If the new lab doesn't work out there is no shame in cutting your losses and moving on. The phd can take a toll on anyone. Protect your own well being. And remember there is more than one path to becoming a physician scientist.

Agree with this. You picked a mentor who is hands-off, but that is not working for you. Go to your administrators ASAP and look to resolve this sooner rather than later. If you find another mentor that seems to be a better fit, and still are depressed, then maybe this isn't your bag.
 
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Agree with this. You picked a mentor who is hands-off, but that is not working for you. Go to your administrators ASAP and look to resolve this sooner rather than later. If you find another mentor that seems to be a better fit, and still are depressed, then maybe this isn't your bag.

Agree with this advice. Program directors want you to succeed, and will help you find a solution. A long-serving director and/or administrator should know which labs will be a better fit for you. Your personal well-being is our primary concern in this sort of situation.
 
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Hi everyone, I was an active member of SDN but I'm here on a throwaway because it's a small world.

I am a GS-1 having a difficult time in my lab. For the last several months, I've been on a project that my mentor has just now made clear to me is just a "practice" project that he doesn't expect anything to come of it. The bigger problem that is on my hands right now is that I've spent the last 3 months trying to come up with a project for my qualifying exam/F30/dissertation (they're lumped in the same package). I feel like I've gotten nowhere and every proposal that I've come up with has been rejected and/or fallen flat. It is likely more of a fault of my own rather than my mentor's but I feel like I just can't cut it because I can't properly ask a scientific question and understand my mentor's advice. My mentor and I have gotten into a rough patch where both of us are losing patience with each other. He's getting increasingly frustrated with me because I just can't make any progress and I'm getting frustrated with myself because I just can't do my job. I'm getting frustrated with him for letting me go about this on my own when I'm obviously struggling. It's frustrating to know that him crushing yet another effort on my part is just another 30 minute meeting to him while it's a week of compulsively working in my office until 2am for me. My mentor operates under the philosophy that I should develop my own idea de novo but he is obviously manipulating me into going in the direction that he wants me to go. I just want him to tell me what he wants me to study so that I don't have to waste my time guessing anymore. Of course, the few times when I've indicated that I need any kind of direction or guidance, he implies that I'm no better than one of the techs in our lab (no offense to the techs).

Today feels like the last straw. I've barely slept in the last week because I am doing lab work for my "practice" project and working on my proposal. As expected, I got burned again today in a meeting with my mentor. I've spent the majority of the day since then switching between fighting off a nervous meltdown and laying on my couch feeling depressed and hopeless. Is it time to just call it a day and quit the program? If I don't drop out, then I don't see myself lasting much longer because I'll probably fail the qualifying exam anyways. I don't know if anybody else is going through the same thing but I just can't see a situation where I can successfully complete a PhD right now.

Grad school has also taken a toll on my health. Since starting, I've lost 20lbs, been diagnosed with depression, and I'm struggling with the downwards spiral that is my physical and mental health. The majority of the students and postdocs in our research group are fighting with their own mental health issues and most are on antidepressants. This is melodramatic but I don't know if I can return to being the same person after this and I can't even imagine how another 3.5 years will damage my mental health and personality. I'm already on an SSRI and CBT through my institution and it's been of limited help. As we know, trying to treat a chronic condition without removing the source is ultimately pointless. I don't know if this is worth it anymore and I would like some input, insight, or comments on how I can manage this situation.


I agree that switching lab may be the solution. If I were you, I would talk to the program director immediately and pick out ~2 new labs. Then do a short rotation (like ~3 weeks for each) in those labs and focus on the mentors and the environment to see if they can be a good fit for your style. At the same time, get yourself familiar with the process of financial paperwork and the timeline for choosing 3rd year clinical clerkships in case the rotations don't work out and you decide to quit. If after deep thoughts and you still don't think graduate school/research is for you at all or will wreck more havoc on your health, then I would say don't bother with switching labs because quitting is probably the best course of action. However make sure you make your decision after weighing pros/cons in the best state of mind. I completely feel you, especially I've been similarly clinically depressed during my graduate school time and I've constantly thought about quitting. In fact, a few months ago I posted a thread on this forum asking how residency directors would view MSTP drop-out. However my situation is different. I'm in my GS2, so there are other things to take into consideration for me. In any case, good luck !
 
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Change labs. However, your early struggle with a hands-off advisor is not atypical. My advisor was also very hands-off, and I went through a difficult GS-1 but toughed it out. In fact, looking back at the entire thing, I was venturing into a new area for my lab and there wasn't much help my advisor would have been able to provide besides funding and suggesting good control experiments.

I also suggest hitting the gym/regular exercise. I used to pour all my frustrations on weights. The next day, I could start experiments with a brand new happy focus. So, even if you end up quitting the PhD, you might leave with some abs and nice quads.
 
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