Hardest Part?

[OphthoWife]

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What has been the hardest part of being in a relationship with MD/MD to be? (other than time away...we all get that).

O.K. So...I think the constant grumpy, crankyness sucks.

 

[Do.the.DO]

What has been the hardest part of being in a relationship with MD/MD to be? (other than time away...we all get that).

O.K. So...I think the constant grumpy, crankyness sucks.

Outside of the time away from home issue, I'd have to say the isolation. We ended up moving 5 states away from all of our friends and family. Granted, we've made a ton of new friends, but being away from family is my toughest issue. We just had two deaths of close family members in the last week and not being able to be there with them is really rough. (Can't afford to fly myself and the 3 kids back home.)

Oh, yeah...and money. We've figured out how to live VERY frugally, but it's still tighter than we'd like. We survive, but barely.

 

[Wifty]

Knowing that he can't just blow off a day of work so that we can go play. 🙂
Used to be able to do that.....but he has more dedication to his patients then to pizza. LOL

Its actually been much, much easier then I thought...and fun even. Hubby is a 4rth year and next year might be the hardest......ask me then.

And I agree about the moving away from family. Having a toddler, it would be nice to be able to just drive and visit the relatives or leave her for the occasional overnighter.

With smiles,
Wifty

 

[gardengirl]

Not being able to be spontaneous - everything is planned out waaaaay ahead of time. We've been together since his residency and now he's an attending. It's become a way of life I guess.

 

[lovemydrhubby]

hmm I agree with all that's posted already.

I'll throw another issue out there: being isolated from "his world"- as he gets busier and learns more, I don't feel as involved in his life. I think this is something you can get around- it just feels weird at times. During long study sessions in med school, I felt like I wasn't on the same wavelength as him. I couldn't help him ya know?


But- I think the time issues are the hardest part. You can't be spontaneous, the kids miss dad, 30 hour shifts, etc.

 

[Wifty]

I made myself a bit of his world by having his study buddies over to our house. That way, I had an idea of what they were studying and they loved that I was a stress-reliever when they took a break.

Most of my friends have ended up being med students and not the spouses. Although hubby is now a 4rth year, I still get together with the other students and we have parties to keep us more cohesive.

I recommend starting something like I mentioned......get-togethers, parties, study at your house, etc. It really helped and I made some life-long friends!

With smiles,
Wifty

 

[lovemydrhubby]

I made myself a bit of his world by having his study buddies over to our house. That way, I had an idea of what they were studying and they loved that I was a stress-reliever when they took a break.

Most of my friends have ended up being med students and not the spouses. Although hubby is now a 4rth year, I still get together with the other students and we have parties to keep us more cohesive.

I recommend starting something like I mentioned......get-togethers, parties, study at your house, etc. It really helped and I made some life-long friends!

With smiles,
Wifty

Yes, I've done that before. Or if they are studying elsewhere- I'd bring over a batch of brownies and coffee for the group. It was really helpful to meet people and just make myself visible! It was great when we had the space to have a few people over and host a study session. harder when you have a tiny apartment and two kids.

 

[nightowl]

stress. I've found stress is a huge catalyst for fighting. And guess when you're stressed out in med school? I guess the real question is when are you not stressed out? So that is an adjustment I'm still trying to figure out. 🙁

 

[Neuronix]

What has been the hardest part of being in a relationship with MD/MD to be? (other than time away...we all get that).

Constant threat of and then eventual LDRs with no potential for being together for 4+ years.

It begins with the med school application process. Apply to a dozen, get into one. What if that one is across the country? Oh well, bye bye relationship. Maybe just maybe you'll sign your life away to someone like the military or an MD/PhD program so you can get med school paid for. Good luck keeping your relationship together through that one if your partner also has a career. You're stuck somewhere and/or forced to move while the same applies for the other person.

Then residency, who knows where you'll actually match? Gotta apply broadly. Nobody cares if you have a relationship when they select you.

Then when you go to look for a job... Hope you're in a high demand specialty and aren't going into academics. Good luck staying with your partner for that one.

 

[Sweenracer]

What has been the hardest part of being in a relationship with MD/MD to be? (other than time away...we all get that).

What about DO/DO to be? Everyone seems to forget the DO's even though they have the same training plus OMM... but that's another thread...

Hardest part in residency is long hours, especially if you have kids. #2 is stress (and resultant fights) over those long hours... #3 is money

O.K. So...I think the constant grumpy, crankyness sucks.

That would be #3, but I think the grumpiness and stress both come from the long hours (when talking about residency)(in school stress seemed to be caused by exams)

being isolated from "his world"- as he gets busier and learns more, I don't feel as involved in his life. I think this is something you can get around- it just feels weird at times. During long study sessions in med school, I felt like I wasn't on the same wavelength as him. I couldn't help him ya know?

My wife appreciates that I am outside of "her world"... when we are together she is less likely to be thinking or talking about "work". Much in the same way I do not come home and start telling her about engineering problems from my job.

Most of my friends have ended up being med students and not the spouses. Although hubby is now a 4rth year, I still get together with the other students and we have parties to keep us more cohesive.

This was true with us too through Med School... but when Residency time came around... all those people moved away or do not have time because of residency hours... that all goes away during residency.

It begins with the med school application process. Apply to a dozen, get into one. What if that one is across the country? Oh well, bye bye relationship. Maybe just maybe you'll sign your life away to someone like the military or an MD/PhD program so you can get med school paid for. Good luck keeping your relationship together through that one if your partner also has a career. You're stuck somewhere and/or forced to move while the same applies for the other person.

Then residency, who knows where you'll actually match? Gotta apply broadly. Nobody cares if you have a relationship when they select you.

My wife appied to 8 different Med Schools and turned down 2 because they were too far (they were 2 hours away). It is possible to find a local school if you live near a major city... you do not need to move across the country. (Unless that is the only place willing to accept them... or their standards for a school are too high... or you live out in the countryside somewhere).

My wife had no problem finding a local residency either. You do not have to be a total victim to relocating far from family if you are willing to make a few sacrifices. (My wife sacrificed an Oncology fellowship because she was not accepted locally... now she is going to stay in Internal Medicine... all because it was more important for us to stay close to family). Both partners need to make sacrifices... and if the relationship is going to go "bye bye" then it probably was because one side was less willing to sacrifice than the other.

 

[Neuronix]

My wife appied to 8 different Med Schools and turned down 2 because they were too far (they were 2 hours away). It is possible to find a local school if you live near a major city... you do not need to move across the country. (Unless that is the only place willing to accept them... or their standards for a school are too high... or you live out in the countryside somewhere).

My ex long time girlfriend and the greatest relationship I've ever had applied to over a dozen schools. We lived in Philadelphia with 4 allopathic medical schools in town and close to NYC with its own wide array of medical schools. There's also the one in NJ. She applied to all of these. The closest place she was granted an interview was over 5 hours away. She ended up with a full scholarship there at the University of Pittsbugh, a top ranked school. Meanwhile, schools like Temple and Drexel didn't even bother to interview her.

Yeah, maybe I'm unlucky. I've always been a pretty unlucky guy. But it's the second long-term and very happy relationship I've had fall apart because of **** like this since I've been in my MD/PhD program.

 

[letitgo]

Neuronix, I can understand exactly how you feel. My SO is an MS1 in Chicago, and I'm applying now. I'm killing myself to get there, but I've already been rejected by UChicago. I wrote NW an extremely strong letter of interest, but life never seems to work out.

Plus I'm interviewing at a lot of top schools, and I don't think my significant other would even want me to go to NW over a better school. It feels like such a no-win situation. Can't sleep, can't eat. I'm stuck on the East Coast in a city I despise, totally alone because he moved away (made worse by the fact he has a ton of new friends).

Maybe someone has some insight into this situation. I'm actually thinking of not going to med school at all, or at least deferring a year so I can just move there and find something constructive to do. But then again, I'm 25, and I'm not sure I can afford to take much more time off. I don't know what to do. Truly desperate.

 

[Neuronix]

Plus I'm interviewing at a lot of top schools, and I don't think my significant other would even want me to go to NW over a better school. It feels like such a no-win situation. Can't sleep, can't eat. I'm stuck on the East Coast in a city I despise, totally alone because he moved away (made worse by the fact he has a ton of new friends).

I would say to go be with your SO if that will make you happy, even if you get into a better school. NW is a great school in a great location. The rep of your med school doesn't matter and the quality of training really doesn't matter, but even if it did, how much does anyone care between top 30 and top 10?

Maybe someone has some insight into this situation. I'm actually thinking of not going to med school at all, or at least deferring a year so I can just move there and find something constructive to do. But then again, I'm 25, and I'm not sure I can afford to take much more time off. I don't know what to do. Truly desperate.

One thing this whole thing has taught me is you can't rely on your significant other. My last SO told me she really wanted it to work and such even though I had my doubts. After she moved away I went twice to visit her and told her I could get used to it, then she said she wouldn't come visit me. I think it made her feel so much better to hear I'd stay with her when we were together, but as soon as she got a new city and got busy with work and had that big social network that first year provides... I wasn't as important. The same thing happened with the girl before that. It was "stay with me, don't leave me, I want it to work *cry*", but in the end it's always been my partner that's called it off. I hear countless other stories about this. People moving somewhere or making other large sacrifices to be with their bf or gf, no matter how long they'd been together, only to have the SO break up with them. With this second g/f, I could see it coming a mile away that it wouldn't work and even if I didn't break up with her, she would break up with me, but I let it play out until she was comfortable breaking up with me. It would have been hard for me no matter when we broke up. My point is, are you sure your SO would compromise for you? Really sure? If not, maybe we just have to let fate screw us over.

In my case, my ex-g/f was ONLY going to apply to Philadelphia and NYC schools. She applied to schools further away without telling me and she didn't want to talk about it because it made her upset to hear we might have to break up. I got constant guilt trips because she said I wouldn't stay with her if she moved away. She moved away and guess what... Too busy for me! Sigh. So I don't know what to tell people anymore.

If you're in Philly you're welcome to come cry on my shoulder if I can cry on yours. I'm definately growing to hate it here. I just need a change but I'm stuck here for a few more years.

 

[letitgo]

I'm actually from Philly, born and raised. Seriously, next time I'm home to visit (I'm working in New England now), we should commiserate. It's a relief to see someone in my position.

 

[Sweenracer]

Also, from Philly here... My wife went to PCOM in the end... And is now finishing residency at Einstein. Drexel, Penn, both did not even interview her... Temple did, I think, but did not accept her...

I guess it can be tough, and unfortunately now, I feel like the lucky one.

For us it was tough with Fellowship though... My wife was destined for Hem/Onc... devoting ALL of her extra time and electives to it. She worked at Fox Chase for 3 years before Med School, won the Einstein award for Oncology in her intern year, managed to score recommendations from top Oncologists at Fox Chase, Einstein, and Jeff, she was published for her research work at Fox Chase like 10 times in journals, and she's hot (even though that doesn't matter)... There were not that many options in the area for the fellowship, but we were hoping for Fox Chase or Jeff... but no go. So she gave it up...

For us it was more important not to move too far away. If the only place she was accepted to Med School was in Erie (which she turned down), she said she was not going to go anyway (we were not married at that time)... and if she did, I probably would have went with her.