Have to repeat OMS I. Gutted and...mortified.

[mwsapphire]

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You're carrying a lot on your plate, it helps to talk to friends. But really stop being a non-adherent patient. You're going to have plenty of those as a clinician. Get some help now

Yes, the therapy thing is separate.
Im more thinking of telling my friends so they know whats going on w me. Its like- they don't know what's going on in my head and this would be more for the purpose of sharing?

Another pt- people have always told me ( bad experiences) allow you to ~grow~ be more ~mature~ and ~interesting~ but nobody realizes I didn't ask to grow more and I just wanna be normal sometimes 🙁 It feels like Im constantly forced to mature so I can be someone other ppl can lean on/ get support from, but just sometimes I want to exist for me. And before ya'll say this will make me a better doc, read what I wrote again. Also I can kinda feel myself growing numb which is probably not a good thing in medicine. The other day on twitter I saw someone complain that their step score was lower than they expected and my first thought was " shut up." Like??? Whats wrong w me???

 

[Goro]

Im more thinking of telling my friends so they know whats going on w me. Its like- they don't know what's going on in my head and this would be more for the purpose of sharing?

No, for the purpose of CATHARIS. YOU'RE BOTTLING UP A TON OF NEGATIVE EMOTIONS AND THAT'S NOT HEALTHY.

Another pt- people have always told me ( bad experiences) allow you to ~grow~ be more ~mature~ and ~interesting~ but nobody realizes I didn't ask to grow more

Really, Sapphire, this is in the realm of "I didn't ask to be born". Life is filled with bad experiences, and you either learn from them and grow, or they crush you.

and I just wanna be normal sometimes 🙁

Don't we all?

It feels like Im constantly forced to mature so I can be someone other ppl can lean on/ get support from, but just sometimes I want to exist for me.

Well, you're an adult now. You're supposed to mature. It goes with the territory. But as to the bolded, learn how to say "no". If people have unrealistic expectations of you, stop trying to live of to those. But if have you have unrealistic expectations of yourself, then that has to stop as well. There are worse things in life that having to repeat M1.

The other day on twitter I saw someone complain that their step score was lower than they expected and my first thought was " shut up." Like??? Whats wrong w me???

You don't have to be a fountain of altruism 100% of the time.

I suggest that you get off of SDN for awhile.

 

[PTPuser]

I mean this in the nicest way from one brown person to another, just throw away the brown mentality and seek the help like goro suggested. It's toxic, girl.

 

[hallowmann]

Yes, the therapy thing is separate.
Im more thinking of telling my friends so they know whats going on w me. Its like- they don't know what's going on in my head and this would be more for the purpose of sharing?

Another pt- people have always told me ( bad experiences) allow you to ~grow~ be more ~mature~ and ~interesting~ but nobody realizes I didn't ask to grow more and I just wanna be normal sometimes 🙁 It feels like Im constantly forced to mature so I can be someone other ppl can lean on/ get support from, but just sometimes I want to exist for me. And before ya'll say this will make me a better doc, read what I wrote again. Also I can kinda feel myself growing numb which is probably not a good thing in medicine. The other day on twitter I saw someone complain that their step score was lower than they expected and my first thought was " shut up." Like??? Whats wrong w me???

So I'm going to pile on and encourage you to please talk to someone completely outside of your current situation. You don't need therapy from your friend or your auntie, you need it from an outside entity (nothing against aunties, feel free to see an auntie if that's what you prefer, but preferably not one from your immediate community).

What you are describing is hopelessness along some elements of existential crisis combined with crashing of expectations of what life and you should be like. Its not easy for anyone, and honestly no one navigates it 100% alone (despite how it may look from the outside), and neither should you. You need to find someone that you can connect with and talk to on a regular basis so that you can understand more about yourself, what drives you, what brings you joy, how to manage when you feel this way and you face these obstacles, etc. You know the medicine, its a matter of just taking it.