Long post ahead, sorry for the rambling, but this post ended up a lot longer than I intended...
Background info: I'm Asian and even though my parents never explicitly "made me" go into medicine, there was a lot of implicit pressure growing up (which is of course not limited to people of Asian descent, but is nonetheless stereotyped and somewhat accurate in my case). I have a sister that is much older than me and she did not have the necessary credentials for MD schools (unbeknownst to me until recently) so she ended up having her app sent to a DPM school by chance and is now a podiatrist, but my parents glorified her for becoming a "doctor" to the point that I thought that DPM was equivalent to MD, just like a subspecialty such as ophthalmology, not an entirely different degree. They got bragging rights for telling everyone that their oldest has become a "doctor," and I grew up thinking that it must be the perfect profession from how my parents framed it. And my older brother, though he's very intelligent, majored in Spanish in undergrad (still at a prestigious school), and was basically labeled as the crazy one of the family and my parents mentioned multiple times that they thought he would never end up anywhere in life. However, he ended up at a DO school and then landed a job in Cali in an area with a large Hispanic population where his Spanish speaking skills are now a huge asset, so only after he's making 250k a year are they finally treating him with respect.
Basically, it was as if there was no other option than for me to go into medicine. At the age of 14, my mom pushed me into volunteering at a hospital and the Red Cross (because that's what my older sister did) even though I was super timid and hated every minute of it. In high school, my mom would be the type to call or email the teacher and ask to round up (sometimes without my approval) if I got anything less than an A in a class, even if I didn't deserve it, and my dad was borderline emotionally abusive if I got Bs, calling me names and basically saying I'd be flipping burgers all my life. Stereotypical Asian parenting. Yet at the same time they had this overconfidence that I would become a doctor, even though I wasn't even sure that that's what I wanted. For example, in my senior year of high school, I was involved in a "Medical Mentorship" class where interested students could shadow doctors in the area. I remember my dad kind of sneered and kept saying things like, "look to your left and look to your right; only one will become a doctor" and I remember literally becoming so angry that they just seemed to automatically assume that I was destined to become a doctor, as if there was "special" about me compared to all these other kids who were equally smart and hard-working.
Now, I've never had a real problem with school or academics. Even though I was pushed to pursue the biological sciences I have always loved learning and had an appreciation for all of my subjects, and done well in school. However, I felt that I was never given any room to explore other options besides medicine. I started pushing myself to achieve more than my older siblings because my worth, in my parents' eyes, was contingent on my academic success specifically within the realm of medicine.
My older siblings and I all went to a very competitive college, and being much younger than my siblings, I worked myself to the bone to stand out amongst my siblings' achievements. I believe I even gave myself a stress ulcer in college from putting so much pressure on myself to perform. However, attempting to impress my parents usually backfired since my sister was already an established doctor, she always had more authority than I did if I decided to do something academically that was the least bit different from what she did. I had to do most of my own research about applying to medical school, and realized a lot had changed during the 15 years since my sister applied and that my parents were supplied with outdated information. But I couldn't convince them to change their thinking. They called me crazy when I told them that my application wasn't strong enough to apply right after junior year and that I would need more time to study for the MCAT. A gap year was "stupid." And I did everything I could to ensure I did as well on the MCAT as possible, and their reaction to my decision to delay it when I wasn't ready to take it was just that "the excuses never end." I fell into a depression not so much due to the stress of academics, but mostly due to the lack of support from my family, even though I was just doing what I could to be as strong of an applicant as possible.
Fast forward a few years, and now I'm two years out from graduating from that university, with a double major in Neuro/Psych and a 3.65cGA/3.55sGPA. I worked really hard for the MCAT and scored a 522 on it a year ago, and I've spent the last year working full-time in research, which was a major gap in my application. But now that the application cycle is open and I finally have everything in place, I'm starting to feel that medicine was never the right choice for me. I'm struggling to write a convincing personal statement, not because I struggle with writing in general, but because I'm not sure that I have ever had any intrinsic reason to pursue medicine itself. I'm pretty introverted and I find it exhausting to interact with patients, including all of the small talk and niceties. I'm also the type that doesn't trust the opinions of my peers and I end up taking all the work myself, so I am also not the best team player. I even think I lack a bit of empathy and don't have any particular desire to help others. All in all, I admittedly have a lot of character traits that are pretty unsuitable for medicine even though I have no doubt I'd be able to succeed in med school academically. I am even looking forward to the first two years of med school because I love learning, and even the field of medicine itself. but when it comes to clinical rotations and residency, I feel like I'd rather do anything else than interact with patients and watch procedures all day.
Additionally, as I've worked in public health/research the past year, I've questioned whether a career in academia would be better suited for me. I love reading and writing and how research is intellectually stimulating without the constant social interaction that's needed for medicine. I still like science and I could spend hours reading about some obscure topics and love the idea of becoming an expert in something, perhaps contributing to medicine without necessarily practicing it. And although it can be stressful trying to get research successful/published, it's not the same high-stress environment that say, a surgeon would have. I have also toyed with the idea of just doing research during my time in med school, but I wonder if there's really a point to that if the end goal is to become a doctor, not a researcher. Maybe this is a "grass is greener" scenario and I'm just having a momentary lapse in judgment, but I'm trying to dig deep for my reason for wanting to *practice* medicine and I'm coming up empty. I like medicine and learning itself, but that's not a convincing reason for why I want to become a doctor. At the same time, I have countless of hours of volunteering/ECs and a high MCAT score and it just feels like a waste to pack up and quit now.
Any advice? I appreciate anyone that read through this entire wordy post lol
Background info: I'm Asian and even though my parents never explicitly "made me" go into medicine, there was a lot of implicit pressure growing up (which is of course not limited to people of Asian descent, but is nonetheless stereotyped and somewhat accurate in my case). I have a sister that is much older than me and she did not have the necessary credentials for MD schools (unbeknownst to me until recently) so she ended up having her app sent to a DPM school by chance and is now a podiatrist, but my parents glorified her for becoming a "doctor" to the point that I thought that DPM was equivalent to MD, just like a subspecialty such as ophthalmology, not an entirely different degree. They got bragging rights for telling everyone that their oldest has become a "doctor," and I grew up thinking that it must be the perfect profession from how my parents framed it. And my older brother, though he's very intelligent, majored in Spanish in undergrad (still at a prestigious school), and was basically labeled as the crazy one of the family and my parents mentioned multiple times that they thought he would never end up anywhere in life. However, he ended up at a DO school and then landed a job in Cali in an area with a large Hispanic population where his Spanish speaking skills are now a huge asset, so only after he's making 250k a year are they finally treating him with respect.
Basically, it was as if there was no other option than for me to go into medicine. At the age of 14, my mom pushed me into volunteering at a hospital and the Red Cross (because that's what my older sister did) even though I was super timid and hated every minute of it. In high school, my mom would be the type to call or email the teacher and ask to round up (sometimes without my approval) if I got anything less than an A in a class, even if I didn't deserve it, and my dad was borderline emotionally abusive if I got Bs, calling me names and basically saying I'd be flipping burgers all my life. Stereotypical Asian parenting. Yet at the same time they had this overconfidence that I would become a doctor, even though I wasn't even sure that that's what I wanted. For example, in my senior year of high school, I was involved in a "Medical Mentorship" class where interested students could shadow doctors in the area. I remember my dad kind of sneered and kept saying things like, "look to your left and look to your right; only one will become a doctor" and I remember literally becoming so angry that they just seemed to automatically assume that I was destined to become a doctor, as if there was "special" about me compared to all these other kids who were equally smart and hard-working.
Now, I've never had a real problem with school or academics. Even though I was pushed to pursue the biological sciences I have always loved learning and had an appreciation for all of my subjects, and done well in school. However, I felt that I was never given any room to explore other options besides medicine. I started pushing myself to achieve more than my older siblings because my worth, in my parents' eyes, was contingent on my academic success specifically within the realm of medicine.
My older siblings and I all went to a very competitive college, and being much younger than my siblings, I worked myself to the bone to stand out amongst my siblings' achievements. I believe I even gave myself a stress ulcer in college from putting so much pressure on myself to perform. However, attempting to impress my parents usually backfired since my sister was already an established doctor, she always had more authority than I did if I decided to do something academically that was the least bit different from what she did. I had to do most of my own research about applying to medical school, and realized a lot had changed during the 15 years since my sister applied and that my parents were supplied with outdated information. But I couldn't convince them to change their thinking. They called me crazy when I told them that my application wasn't strong enough to apply right after junior year and that I would need more time to study for the MCAT. A gap year was "stupid." And I did everything I could to ensure I did as well on the MCAT as possible, and their reaction to my decision to delay it when I wasn't ready to take it was just that "the excuses never end." I fell into a depression not so much due to the stress of academics, but mostly due to the lack of support from my family, even though I was just doing what I could to be as strong of an applicant as possible.
Fast forward a few years, and now I'm two years out from graduating from that university, with a double major in Neuro/Psych and a 3.65cGA/3.55sGPA. I worked really hard for the MCAT and scored a 522 on it a year ago, and I've spent the last year working full-time in research, which was a major gap in my application. But now that the application cycle is open and I finally have everything in place, I'm starting to feel that medicine was never the right choice for me. I'm struggling to write a convincing personal statement, not because I struggle with writing in general, but because I'm not sure that I have ever had any intrinsic reason to pursue medicine itself. I'm pretty introverted and I find it exhausting to interact with patients, including all of the small talk and niceties. I'm also the type that doesn't trust the opinions of my peers and I end up taking all the work myself, so I am also not the best team player. I even think I lack a bit of empathy and don't have any particular desire to help others. All in all, I admittedly have a lot of character traits that are pretty unsuitable for medicine even though I have no doubt I'd be able to succeed in med school academically. I am even looking forward to the first two years of med school because I love learning, and even the field of medicine itself. but when it comes to clinical rotations and residency, I feel like I'd rather do anything else than interact with patients and watch procedures all day.
Additionally, as I've worked in public health/research the past year, I've questioned whether a career in academia would be better suited for me. I love reading and writing and how research is intellectually stimulating without the constant social interaction that's needed for medicine. I still like science and I could spend hours reading about some obscure topics and love the idea of becoming an expert in something, perhaps contributing to medicine without necessarily practicing it. And although it can be stressful trying to get research successful/published, it's not the same high-stress environment that say, a surgeon would have. I have also toyed with the idea of just doing research during my time in med school, but I wonder if there's really a point to that if the end goal is to become a doctor, not a researcher. Maybe this is a "grass is greener" scenario and I'm just having a momentary lapse in judgment, but I'm trying to dig deep for my reason for wanting to *practice* medicine and I'm coming up empty. I like medicine and learning itself, but that's not a convincing reason for why I want to become a doctor. At the same time, I have countless of hours of volunteering/ECs and a high MCAT score and it just feels like a waste to pack up and quit now.
Any advice? I appreciate anyone that read through this entire wordy post lol
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