Having kids while BOTH parents in med school/residency

[thehillyt]

Hi all, I've tried to find a thread that addresses this particular scenario but haven't found anything yet. Quick rundown of the situation: my husband and I are both non-trad students. He will be starting a surgical residency at the same time that I am starting medical school. We are both in our early 30s and want to have biological children.

The question is, is it in any way reasonable to start a family when we are BOTH in med school/residency? We will not be close to family during med school/residency, so the support system will be limited. He will obviously have an income so the finances aren't our main concern (though it will be tight). It's more the time commitment that a new child demands and deserves. Most posts I've seen talk about one of the parents being in school/res while the other works a more typical 9-5 or stays home with the kids. I'm curious what sort of experience people might have with this.

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[sunshinefl]

I’m not in this situation— current M2, married, both of us 33, no kids yet, hoping for 1 during medical school and 1 during residency. My husband is currently in an allied health program and agrees to be primary caregiver while they’re young/I’m still in training.

In your situation, from what I’ve read/seen/experienced, this is going to be very very hard. The best scenario might be having 1 during preclinical if you don’t have much mandatory attendance at your school. It is the most flexible portion of your training. Again, as long as your school doesn’t have mandatory attendance. For mandatory labs, exams, etc you should have reliable childcare ready.

 

[getdown]

without any support system to help with childcare the answer is easily no. His hours as a surgical resident are unpredictable and ridiculously long, he will be stressed and exhausted. Your hours will be more reasonable as a M1/M2 but will you be able to devote enough time to be a good parent as well as enough time in your studies to be a good student? What about during exams? Or your STEP 1 exam? Not advisable but not impossible. The bigger issue is the stress this'll put on your marriage. The resentment, fighting, etc when you're both tired and have a screaming toddler/baby to take care of? Your life your decision though.

 

[y123]

Doable if grandparents can take care of the kid or you are wealthy enough to hire live in nannies

 

[afib123]

Never had a kid so not sure but people make it work. Important things, unless you are an extremely motivated and focused person, balancing kids with getting the highest step score will be challenging. You will probably have to sacrifice the free time you will have to study for step for family time and settle for an average or below average step score which will limit your speciality range. If you are fine with that, you can manage on your own for most part of M1/M2 other than during anatomy which is pretty busy

 

[Tenk]

No. That would be a recipe for disaster without strong outside help. Also, the poor child will not see either of you for years and they need constant bonding time especially when an infant. I also don’t understand why people want to have children when someone else will have to raise them.

 

[lagbydesign]

I know of an ortho resident and an ob resident that had kids during med school/residency. Needless to say, it was incredibly hard. The ortho resident wrote about it on his blog. I'm going to try to find it. He went by Dr Jay or something like that on here. He went to Loma Linda for med school and he's a pedi ortho surgeon now.

 

[lagbydesign]

I can't find the blog. I tried, lol. I'll pm you his name.

 

[yazmataz]

Its probably doable but it will undoubtedly impact your relationship with your child and they may form attachment issues to you and your partner. Lauralacquer on instagram has some blog posts about having kids while in school and residency. However she took a research year and is in a dermatology residency. Check her out and read her experience.

Another thing you could consider is freezing your eggs for use when you and your partner have more time or a more predictable lifestyle.

 

[Rekt]

Never had a kid so not sure but people make it work. Important things, unless you are an extremely motivated and focused person, balancing kids with getting the highest step score will be challenging. You will probably have to sacrifice the free time you will have to study for step for family time and settle for an average or below average step score which will limit your speciality range. If you are fine with that, you can manage on your own for most part of M1/M2 other than during anatomy which is pretty busy

This is incredibly dumb. Some of the highest scores coming out of my school are from people with multiple kids. I know because that's my circle. I also attained very respectable step and comlex scores with having my own kids. If anything, it increased my motivation and drive because I have a lot more on the line.

 

[afib123]

This is incredibly dumb. Some of the highest scores coming out of my school are from people with multiple kids. I know because that's my circle. I also attained very respectable step and comlex scores with having my own kids. If anything, it increased my motivation and drive because I have a lot more on the line.

That is my perspective and I clearly said "unless you are an extremely motivated person" it is hard to do and I still think that's the case. Maybe you and your friends are incredibly smart, organize your time extremely well, and know how to balance family life and academics but some of my acquaintances didn't seem to find the balance and get the time to study to get the 250s and 260s. Of course there are exceptions and those are the highly motivated people I refer to.
I for sure worked my ass off to get a high score which I would not be able to do if I had to take care of kids and run a family.

 

[DokterMom]

It will be extremely challenging and you'll need to marshal your resources and be extremely organized. But it can be done. M1, M2 and M4 will be reasonably flexible for you. M3 will be very demanding for you and PG1 will be extraordinarily difficult for him. If you're pregnant while you're M1 and he's PG1, then by the time the baby is born he might be through the very worst of it. Or during your M4 after he's got his feet underneath him as a resident?

Either way, you'll need really good day care and several layers of back-up plans. Building your parenting networks will also be important. When I was a young mother I had a pool with several other young parents and we took turns babysitting for the group (3-5 kids total) so the other parents could get an occasional night out. Sick kid care will be the most trying. While not ideal for infants, group daycare can be a lot of fun for toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Contrary to some of the carp you'll hear here, children of working parents are not doomed to psychological misery. You just need to really 'be' there for them when you get home to encourage those close bonds and not 'waste' your time when you could be productively parenting or studying. And if you're open (in advance) to the possibility of a research year to 'fill in' if you fall behind a bit or 'buff up' your candidacy in advance of M3-M4, then you can make it through in good shape for residency.

Good luck to you and ignore the haters.

 

[Terps1011]

You could do a LOA year or fill a year with research/MPH to mKe it totally doable. My husband isnt in medicine but to make it work for me i had to do a research year between 2nd and 3rd year and it was amazing

 

[raiderette]

Although not in residency, I took a research year between 3rd and 4th year due to an unexpected pregnancy. My school has been great. I don't plan on a second child, but many people do it during residency. Ideally, I would have had a baby during the summer between MS1 and MS2 if I wasn't going for a competitive residency. As it is, my mom is going to move in with us during my residency, and we plan to stay near family during residency.

 

[Heatstroke]

I know of a peds resident who unexpectedly had a baby during her intern year, her husband was a PGY-2 at the time. They have a full time nanny basically raising their kid while they work.

 

[DokterMom]

Why all the shade thrown on the concept of "nannies raising the children"?

In most times and places that weren't the USA between 1950 and 1980 this is how the families who could afford it chose to raise their children, and the overwhelming majority of those children grew up to be productive, well-adjusted citizens who were in no way confused about who their parents were. If you do a little research (or read a few Jane Austin novels), you'll discover that nannies were generally educated, well-mannered and respectable professionals. They cared for and educated the young children quite competently and lovingly, and were often beloved members of the household, whose roles were clearly above the 'servant class' if slightly below that of family members, depending on their backgrounds.

And most importantly, professional nannies choose to be nannies. They enjoy spending time caring for infants and young children. They're not stifled wannabe physicians 'doing their time' with infants while their brain cells die and their career options wither on the vine. They're not abusing or neglecting a baby, or parking him/her in a playpen. And the children they care for thrive --

 

[nimbus]

Why all the shade thrown on the concept of "nannies raising the children"?

In most times and places that weren't the USA between 1950 and 1980 this is how the families who could afford it chose to raise their children, and the overwhelming majority of those children grew up to be productive, well-adjusted citizens who were in no way confused about who their parents were. If you do a little research (or read a few Jane Austin novels), you'll discover that nannies were generally educated, well-mannered and respectable professionals. They cared for and educated the young children quite competently and lovingly, and were often beloved members of the household, whose roles were clearly above the 'servant class' if slightly below that of family members, depending on their backgrounds.

And most importantly, professional nannies choose to be nannies. They enjoy spending time caring for infants and young children. They're not stifled wannabe physicians 'doing their time' with infants while their brain cells die and their career options wither on the vine. They're not abusing or neglecting a baby, or parking him/her in a playpen. And the children they care for thrive --

What is typical pay for a professional nanny? Can a couple afford one on the income of 1 resident? Just curious.

 

[FelicityMD]

You could try an au pair program google said something like $18,500 for pretty much a live in nanny. I assume you would still be taking out loans for your own education/living expenses and that might just be enough...

 

[getdown]

You could try an au pair program google said something like $18,500 for pretty much a live in nanny. I assume you would still be taking out loans for your own education/living expenses and that might just be enough...

Just be careful not to hire the hot, young South American or Eastern European girls. Could cause for a weird situation in the home.

 

[AMEHigh]

While I don’t have kids myself I can think of multiple couples who have done this. So yes it’s obviously doable, but you have to be realistic about the budget you’ll need to help with childcare. It will also obviously likely be difficult on your relationship as well, so it’s important to take that in to consideration.

The couples I know in this situation with kids are now:
Obgyn/surgery
Family med/ER
IM/radiology
Peds/anesthesia
Family med/anesthesia
IM/anesthesia

 

[DokterMom]

Just be careful not to hire the hot, young South American or Eastern European girls. Could cause for a weird situation in the home.

My older son's nanny was a former beauty queen. (Withholding the name of the country to protect her privacy.) She was Amazing in so many ways -- even more beautiful on the inside than on the outside.

 

[RealFruitSmoothie]

One thing that doesn’t get brought up much is that whenever you have a child, that child could have some kind of special needs either at birth or down the line that can make child care more complicated. A perfectly healthy/typical child will of course require lots of time, energy, etc., but if you throw in a health condition or a developmental disability you might need to be extra flexible, get state help of some kind, and basically throw all your expectations out the window. I’m currently in med school, have a partner that works, and have kids, and it’s my special needs kiddo that requires the most flexibility and resiliency, and most of my mental and emotional energy. Just something to keep in mind.