How do you put on a happy face in front of patients when upset?

[voxveritatisetlucis]

So currently I’m on rotations and yesterday I was brutally rejected after the third date with a girl I really liked. Keep in mind I’m in my late twenties so time is running out. Yesterday, I had the day off and was able to just sleep all day but today I have to see patients and I’m literally dreading it. Keep in mind usually I really enjoy seeing patients. In preclinical, I probably would’ve just slept things off for a week but I can’t do that and I have a shelf in two weeks. She said all this stuff about you check all my boxes (kind, intelligent, goal oriented) so I’m assuming it was simply a lack of physical attraction since med school has aged me a lot. Wish she would’ve just rejected me after the first date would’ve been much easier. Thanks in advance

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[Dral]

I wish I had good advice other than you just do it.

My Aunt and Mother passed away 4 days apart a few years ago. I got a bereavement day for each (basically the day of their funerals), then back at it. I worked through things when I was off work. When I was working and thoughts crept in, I just did my best to get to work on something else to keep my mind occupied.

Also, while you're working with patients, take a second or two to think of something that makes you happy (upcoming vacation for example); then get back to it.

We process things in different ways, so you have to figure out what works for you. As you alluded to, you are now past the time when you can take the time to process and not be doing something else (as in you've in essence transitioned from student to job/career). Moving around study time is easy. Moving around patient care time, not so much. I'm not one of those folks who says you have to just be stone faced and get back to work regardless of what happens, but it's also not really reasonable to take a week or more off when something like this happens.

 

[GoSpursGo]

Agree with above. Keep yourself busy.

Also, obligatory "time is not running out in your late twenties." And, I'll just throw this out there too--maybe you're putting way too much pressure on potential dating partners in the first 3 dates. This could either be off-putting to them if they are picking up on this, or could negatively affect how you're presenting yourself.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

I wish I had good advice other than you just do it.

My Aunt and Mother passed away 4 days apart a few years ago. I got a bereavement day for each (basically the day of their funerals), then back at it. I worked through things when I was off work. When I was working and thoughts crept in, I just did my best to get to work on something else to keep my mind occupied.

Also, while you're working with patients, take a second or two to think of something that makes you happy (upcoming vacation for example); then get back to it.

We process things in different ways, so you have to figure out what works for you. As you alluded to, you are now past the time when you can take the time to process and not be doing something else (as in you've in essence transitioned from student to job/career). Moving around study time is easy. Moving around patient care time, not so much. I'm not one of those folks who says you have to just be stone faced and get back to work regardless of what happens, but it's also not really reasonable to take a week or more off when something like this happens.

Thank you for the advice I will try this!

Agree with above. Keep yourself busy.

Also, obligatory "time is not running out in your late twenties." And, I'll just throw this out there too--maybe you're putting way too much pressure on potential dating partners in the first 3 dates. This could either be off-putting to them if they are picking up on this, or could negatively affect how you're presenting yourself.

Ya I think that it hurt so much because on the second date she said that she liked me and we made out and what, similar on the third. With my ex, we were official on the third date so maybe I was trying to move at a similar pace. But yesterday she called and basically said that she never really liked me as more than a friend and felt pressured to say it because I did first. It was pretty brutal to hear to be honest

 

[GoSpursGo]

Ya I think that it hurt so much because on the second date she said that she liked me and we made out and what, similar on the third. With my ex, we were official on the third date so maybe I was trying to move at a similar pace. But yesterday she called and basically said that she never really liked me as more than a friend and felt pressured to say it because I did first. It was pretty brutal to hear to be honest

This is exactly what I am saying. You are putting a lot of pressure on potential dating partners early in the process, when most people are just trying to assess for basic compatibility, etc. Let them move at their own pace.

 

[Goro]

You need to be able to compartmentalize.

 

[mrbreakfast]

To answer your question, this will eventually come automatically when you are in "work mode," i.e. at the hospital or clinic. Doesn't matter if you're tired, stressed, someone recently died, etc - it's a conversation you have had 10,000 times before and your brain adjusts automatically. It happens to almost everybody, and those who cannot do it - cannot compartmentalize - have challenging residencies. But it starts later in training than you are right now.

As for the dating stuff...you cannot expect to be "official" after three dates and you can't rush things. This is especially true as you get older. And if getting dumped after three dates requires "sleeping it off for a week," it might be time for some introspection on emotional processing, honestly, because there will be much bigger emotional challenges to come, and this is definitely going to happen to you again.

I'm assuming you are male, and will give you the same advice my med school mentor (unsolicitedly) gave me, which turned out to be true: if you want it, there are plenty of women interested in dating a resident and plenty more interested in dating an attending physician. It does not matter if you are older, your dating pool will only increase.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

To answer your question, this will eventually come automatically when you are in "work mode," i.e. at the hospital or clinic. Doesn't matter if you're tired, stressed, someone recently died, etc - it's a conversation you have had 10,000 times before and your brain adjusts automatically. It happens to almost everybody, and those who cannot do it - cannot compartmentalize - have challenging residencies. But it starts later in training than you are right now.

As for the dating stuff...you cannot expect to be "official" after three dates and you can't rush things. This is especially true as you get older. And if getting dumped after three dates requires "sleeping it off for a week," it might be time for some introspection on emotional processing, honestly, because there will be much bigger emotional challenges to come, and this is definitely going to happen to you again.

I'm assuming you are male, and will give you the same advice my med school mentor (unsolicitedly) gave me, which turned out to be true: if you want it, there are plenty of women interested in dating a resident and plenty more interested in dating an attending physician. It does not matter if you are older, your dating pool will only increase.

Thank you, I think it was less so depression brought on by how much I liked her rather than loneliness since I broke up with my ex. I finally thought that may be coming to an end after a string of bad first dates but now I’m where I started

 

[deleted1171787]

Thank you, I think it was less so depression brought on by how much I liked her rather than loneliness since I broke up with my ex. I finally thought that may be coming to an end after a string of bad first dates but now I’m where I started

Start medical school in the fall but have already turned down a fair share of pretty women who wanted relationships. Going to echo what @Goro said: if you are upper 20's and do not know how to compartmentalize, specifically in regard to short term romantic partners, it may not be bad idea to see a therapist. Friends, family, and strangers come and go from your life. Sorry your previous relationship didn't work out but the awesome thing is that creates the opportunity for a new one. Based on what you've said it sounds like you're putting too much focus and stress on finding a forever person. Enjoy dating for what it is now, when you find that person you won't get to experience it in the same way again

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Start medical school in the fall but have already turned down a fair share of pretty women who wanted relationships

Thanks for the advice but I feel lik we kind of have the opposite problem lol

 

[Just D.O. it]

Keep in mind I’m in my late twenties so time is running out

You’re a dude who is gonna be a doctor, you have a good 5-10 years left if you watch your diet and work out. I know plenty of people who met their spouse in early attendinghood.

 

[TakotsuboOkazaki]

You’re a dude who is gonna be a doctor, you have a good 5-10 years left if you watch your diet and work out. I know plenty of people who met their spouse in early attendinghood.

Second this. You’ll live OP. Depends on your genes but stay fit and don’t eat sh** and you’ll be good until you’re 50+.

Probably won’t be dating 20 year olds unless you starred in Titanic or something but who wants to do that anyway.

 

[Just D.O. it]

won’t be dating 20 year olds unless you starred in Titanic or something

I dunno I’ve seen a lot of middle aged docs pair up with fresh nurses. It’s not as common as those medical soaps, but it def happens. Keep on that gym grind and try not to lose your hair OP. I’m rooting for you.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Depends on your genes

This is part of the problem though. In the 1.5 years I was with my ex I feel like I aged so much. I always used to have decent dating success but lately it’s just literally been awful. I think I got some wrinkles and lost hair despite taking fin

 

[Goro]

Keep in mind I’m in my late twenties so time is running out.

Seriously, lose that attitude.

 

[Med Ed]

But yesterday she called and basically said that she never really liked me as more than a friend and felt pressured to say it because I did first.

Good God, son. You're putting on a master class in how to die alone.

You know what potential mates like? Fun. Ease. Enjoyment. Humor. Confidence.

You know what potential mates dislike? Expectations. Presumptions. Pressure. Neediness. Desperation.

Over-planning life usually backfires. The sooner you learn to just enjoy the ride the better off you'll be.

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Possibly but she also knew what I was looking for. We met on a catholic dating site, so pretty sure she was also looking for similar just wasn’t enough I guess

Good God, son. You're putting on a master class in how to die alone.

You know what potential mates like? Fun. Ease. Enjoyment. Humor. Confidence.

You know what potential mates dislike? Expectations. Presumptions. Pressure. Neediness. Desperation.

Over-planning life usually backfires. The sooner you learn to just enjoy the ride the better off you'll be.

 

[Just D.O. it]

You know what potential mates like?

Yea. Good maxillofacial development. 😉

 

[Med Ed]

Possibly but she also knew what I was looking for. We met on a catholic dating site, so pretty sure she was also looking for similar just wasn’t enough I guess

Being Catholic doesn't change the basic rules of human attraction.

Did you use the word "tier" at all during your dates?

 

[voxveritatisetlucis]

Being Catholic doesn't change the basic rules of human attraction.

Did you use the word "tier" at all during your dates?

Yea, I think that you’re probably right. I shouldn’t have revealed my hand until I was sure she also liked me

 

[Just D.O. it]

rather than loneliness since I broke up with my ex

I think you might not be able to see it, but others here have alluded to it. It really does sound like part of the problem is that you’re stressed and a little bit lonely, and as a result, you may be coming off as maybe a little pushy/heavy handed to potential suitors.

As for the dating stuff...you cannot expect to be "official" after three dates and you can't rush things. This is especially true as you get older. And if getting dumped after three dates requires "sleeping it off for a week," it might be time for some introspection on emotional processing, honestly, because there will be much bigger emotional challenges to come, and this is definitely going to happen to you again.

This is hugely insightful and probably the most spot on advice I have read so far, in my opinion.

What I personally think would alleviate some of the emotional stress would be to build some strong platonic friendships. The parts of medical school I loved were literally all due to the great group I was able to find while I was there. I really think feeling part of a group helped fill what might have become an emotional void. This is a serious recommendation. I probably would have legitimately hated my medical school life if I had spent it feeling alone.

Platonic friendships are also great because they (mostly) come without the feelings of stress and awkwardness that can arise in the early stages of courting a date.

 

[GoSpursGo]

OP, based on some of the information that you've posted, I think you need support beyond what SDN can give you. I don't think a bunch of people piling on and telling you to "get over it" is going to be helpful. Accordingly I am locking this thread.

The dating scene can be rough out there. Don't let any single rejection (or even a string of them) define your sense of self-worth.