This is a great thread and I really appreciate the kinds of advice and experiences people are sharing here, particularly in light of the tension created over the past few months in the political threads. It's clear to me that people I really disagree with, politically, share a lot of my experiences and struggles, personally.
When my two girls were born, in the pre-vaccine pandemic period, August, 2020, I developed a lot of anxiety, panic attacks, and depression. The idea of being a present parent at that time gave me hives. As I've gotten better, and the girls have gotten older, I think about this stuff a LOT more. Since 2010, I had been a professor at a large academic medical center, doing anesthesia, ICU, and all the academic things that go with that, from teaching residents, having employees, traveling for talks, and publishing papers. I loved it and thought it was who I was, what made me ME. Once the girls were born, it certainly wasn't the kind of thing where I was like, "I love them so much, I just want to be with them every second, get me out of academics, fatherhood is my new love and identity" but all the "homework" required to have a successful academic career became extraordinarily more stressful, because I just couldn't get anything done at home. Long story, short, about two years ago, I left that position, with its more or less predictable (and certainly fewer) clinical hours for a busy private practice, doing my own cases in the OR, no ICU, and not in charge of anything.
What I've noticed is that, although I'm technically away from home more hours, because my work is simpler and so much more circumscribed, when I AM home, I have literally nothing else to do but pay attention to my girls. I am immeasurably happier, and I think it is in part because I have shed the obligatory tension between academic productivity and time with family. There's more to it, of course, but I wanted to share my experience with this. I hope that it is helpful to hear that, at least for me, it has been less about the NUMBER of hours that I'm working versus at home, and more about how I am when I'm at home.
As far as other "tips and tricks:"
I do manage to FaceTime my girls almost every AM as cases are starting. It's a good touchstone for them as they start their day, and people in the OR get a huge kick out of it.
My wife brings one girl at a time to visit the hospital sometimes when I'm on a quiet OB shift. They can't stop talking about surgery, hoping to see a broken leg, wearing the bonnets, and the whole experience.
The poster who mentioned paying for help was SPOT ON. It is, for us, the single-biggest improvement in our QOL to pay for a full time nanny, even though my wife doesn't work (notwithstanding she's managing a huge construction project on our new house...). Having help with young kids achieves SO many of your goals. It gives the primary caretaker a lot more "me time," de-stresses everything, and allows you better odds of being the kind of parent you imagined, because you both have breaks from it. In our case, it's also making our kids bilingual.
So, anyway, thanks to the OP for bringing this up, thanks to the other posters for sharing your vulnerabilities, and I look forward to more and more posts on this topic!