How to deal with being single?

[Slide]

Ok I've really resisted to post this kind of thread on the SDN forums, but after going to a Halloween party last night and seeing that most of the females there were taken, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I foolishly had the conception that if I were in medical school, my chances of meeting a nice girlfriend would be just as good as college, or even better just because of being a medical student. It seems in my class, almost every girl is married/engaged/committed, so I won't be getting any luck from interclass relationships (which may be a blessing in disguise). Every female in this city here around my age also seems to be married/engaged and it really pisses me off. I'm trying to get around to meet other females that are not in medical school, but I've had very little time to actually do so this semester.

Next semester, that won't be a good excuse because our class doesn't have gross and biochem anymore. How have you guys been able to meet other singles outside your class? Or should I just deal with the fact that I'm going to be single for a looooong time?

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[NCF145]

Ok I've really resisted to post this kind of thread on the SDN forums, but after going to a Halloween party last night and seeing that most of the females there were taken, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I foolishly had the conception that if I were in medical school, my chances of meeting a nice girlfriend would be just as good as college, or even better just because of being a medical student. It seems in my class, almost every girl is married/engaged/committed, so I won't be getting any luck from interclass relationships (which may be a blessing in disguise). Every female in this city here around my age also seems to be married/engaged and it really pisses me off. I'm trying to get around to meet other females that are not in medical school, but I've had very little time to actually do so this semester.

Next semester, that won't be a good excuse because our class doesn't have gross and biochem anymore. How have you guys been able to meet other singles outside your class? Or should I just deal with the fact that I'm going to be single for a looooong time?

#1. Enjoy being single. It is one of the only times where you get to be completely selfish and only do what you want to do.
#2. It never happens when you are looking for it. You always find that certain someone when you least expect it.

 

[searun]

Well, you could try seedy bars or church, depending upon what kind of girl you are looking for.

 

[SomeDoc]

Well, you could try seedy bars or church, depending upon what kind of girl you are looking for.

How are they any different?

 

[SomeDoc]

Every female in this city here around my age also seems to be married/engaged and it really pisses me off.

I think you just found your answer, my friend- just make sure you dont end up with a college sorority-type gal who still has a lot of growing up to do.

Seriously, though, as someone posted earlier, it'll find you when you're not expecting it.

 

[H_Caulfield]

No I'm in a blue state and it's the same deal as described by the OP. It was shocking to me during first year as well, and I think it's sad. Women going into medicine seem to panic and cling to whomever they've had before starting, since they think they'll have waited too long to start a family by the time residency, fellowship, etc. is over.

Why would you want some anal, picky, prudish girl anyway? Find a nice, relaxed, HAPPY girl from a master's program nearby. The girls in my class all have standards which are WAY too high for their own appearances and personalities.

 

[TexasTriathlete]

What planet is this?

 

[MrBurns10]

You'll meet more normal people during MS 3 and beyond. Enjoy the time you have to study now.

Unless you go to the one US school that doesn't have rotations 3rd year, I think you're going to be unpleasantly surprised by the amount of time available to meet people and date during that year.

 

[smq123]

Unless you go to the one US school that doesn't have rotations 3rd year, I think you're going to be unpleasantly surprised by the amount of time available to meet people and date during that year.

What are you talking about? Half an hour of free time a day is plenty of time. So what if you're on q4 call?

 

[MrBurns10]

What are you talking about? Half an hour of free time a day is plenty of time. So what if you're on q4 call?

Internet girlfriend it is!

 

[Law2Doc]

What are you talking about? Half an hour of free time a day is plenty of time.

Agreed. Heck, Brittney Spear's first courtship and marriage only lasted about that long.


Agree with the prior poster that 3rd year is going to be the worst year for dating. But you won't have enough awake time to really miss it.

 

[The Angriest Bird]

Hello my friend,

We may go to different schools but we are in the exactly same situation.

Things get even harder when you are not Christian (no church) and determined to be on total alcohol abstinence (you have to go into a bar and get a Coke).

I do not want to date my classmates anyway. I think I have had enough exposure to medicine already, and having a "potential soul mate" who's also a wikipedia-addict won't help.

The problem is, no matter how many nice girls are out there, you won't get to date any of them unless you meet them. And to meet new girls, you need time and opportunities. We as med school guys have neither.

It's amazing how many people nowadays date online. I will be honest and say they don't get totally bad deals. Facebook, myspace, eHarmony, etc. This will be my very last resort, because I think dating online still gets stigmatized a lot.

For those who say "you will find it when you are totally not expecting it." I absolutely believe you. Just crossing my fingers and enjoying being single.

 

[MrBurns10]

It's amazing how many people nowadays date online. I will be honest and say they don't get totally bad deals. Facebook, myspace, eHarmony, etc. This will be my very last resort, because I think dating online still gets stigmatized a lot.

One of my residents on my current rotation met his wife online. I think it's becoming a perfectly acceptable way to meet people nowadays. Eharmony, however, is on my blacklist because they only accept heterosexual people (I'm heterosexual, but it's a principle thing).

 

[Law2Doc]

I think that if you are going to play the future doctor card, it will work better when you're out and interacting with non-doctors.

While I agree that being a future doctor isn't going to be meaningful in a class full of future doctors, the future doctor card isn't going to get you anything -- either you have game or you don't. Too many undergrads tell themselves "wait until med school", only to find that you have less time and not as much cache as they somehow imagined. Tons of folks who aren't even on the road to professions do well in the dating game, because they have a good rap, and know how to bust a move. You will see med students telling themselves "wait until I finish residency" before long. It's a bit sad. But you can't depend on a career to make yourself "marketable".

 

[Slide]

Single, eh? I recommend laying around and jackin' it. Heck, I recommend if you're dating, engaged, or married.

That gets old after the first month.

In all seriousness, I feel that part of the problem lies in just the cultural differences too. Even though I was raised in the south (MS), I went to college in Philadelphia and enjoyed it immensely there because I felt more at home with the environment and lifestyles there. Being in a city seems also to be more catered for single young adults as well. However, here in my current city, the current mindset is that if you're not married by age 24, you're a spinster. Though I don't have any plans for marriage until well in my 20s/30s, it does sort of close off options for you because for some reason around here, women just seem to be in a rush to get married/engaged. Plus, my city is very homogenous in terms of ethnicities, and being an asian minority in a state not really known for racial tolerance and open-mindedness just piles more crap onto the pile (I hate to be playing the race card in part of my problem, but my other minority friends in the M2 class have told me the same).

I really wanna know how some of you guys go out and meet other people. My school is on a health campus with other programs going on (nursing, physical therapy, master's), but as I stated before, they're all freaken married/engaged! Poop, maybe I should start thinking about residency options in the northeast/west.

While I agree that being a future doctor isn't going to be meaningful in a class full of future doctors, the future doctor card isn't going to get you anything -- either you have game or you don't. Too many undergrads tell themselves "wait until med school", only to find that you have less time and not as much cache as they somehow imagined. Tons of folks who aren't even on the road to professions do well in the dating game, because they have a good rap, and know how to bust a move. You will see med students telling themselves "wait until I finish residency" before long. It's a bit sad. But you can't depend on a career to make yourself "marketable".

I soon realized my naivety the first week of school. Curses on my stupidity in college!

 

[H_Caulfield]

That gets old after the first month.

In all seriousness, I feel that part of the problem lies in just the cultural differences too. Even though I was raised in the south (MS), I went to college in Philadelphia and enjoyed it immensely there because I felt more at home with the environment and lifestyles there. Being in a city seems also to be more catered for single young adults as well. However, here in my current city, the current mindset is that if you're not married by age 24, you're a spinster. Though I don't have any plans for marriage until well in my 20s/30s, it does sort of close off options for you because for some reason around here, women just seem to be in a rush to get married/engaged. Plus, my city is very homogenous in terms of ethnicities, and being an asian minority in a state not really known for racial tolerance and open-mindedness just piles more crap onto the pile (I hate to be playing the race card in part of my problem, but my other minority friends in the M2 class have told me the same).

I really wanna know how some of you guys go out and meet other people. My school is on a health campus with other programs going on (nursing, physical therapy, master's), but as I stated before, they're all freaken married/engaged! Poop, maybe I should start thinking about residency options in the northeast/west.



I soon realized my naivety the first week of school. Curses on my stupidity in college!

Yea you definitely need to be on the east coast. I'm in an east coast city and being an asian woman is anything BUT [EDIT] I don't even know a guy who isn't trying to end up with one.

 

[samenewme]

I really wanna know how some of you guys go out and meet other people.

Swing dancing is nice. People change dance partners often at most swing dance nights so you can talk to a lot of people, and even if you don't meet someone, at least you got to go dancing!

 

[johankriek]

Ok I've really resisted to post this kind of thread on the SDN forums, but after going to a Halloween party last night and seeing that most of the females there were taken, I just couldn't take it anymore.

I foolishly had the conception that if I were in medical school, my chances of meeting a nice girlfriend would be just as good as college, or even better just because of being a medical student. It seems in my class, almost every girl is married/engaged/committed, so I won't be getting any luck from interclass relationships (which may be a blessing in disguise). Every female in this city here around my age also seems to be married/engaged and it really pisses me off. I'm trying to get around to meet other females that are not in medical school, but I've had very little time to actually do so this semester.

Next semester, that won't be a good excuse because our class doesn't have gross and biochem anymore. How have you guys been able to meet other singles outside your class? Or should I just deal with the fact that I'm going to be single for a looooong time?

once they get divorced or break up youll get your chance with them dont worry or actually when they cheat on their husbands

 

[The Angriest Bird]

future doctor card isn't going to get you anything

I may have to disagree with you.

Let me say I definitely agree with you when the guy is being an arrogant jerk and plays the "future doctor card." It's like saying "look, I will be a doctor and I will half a mil. a year. How can you not want to be my girlfriend."

Yet, why don't we be objective and frank. I think it's an undeniable fact that a great majority of women want to marry non-jerk guys who are very financially stable. If you are talking about the ideal occupation for a woman's husband, I dare to say medical doctor is among the Top 3. Just some personal opinion.

The take-home-message is that the "future-doctor-card" is a treasure to have when you are dating someone. Put it to good use and make sure it's not your only card.

 

[Law2Doc]

I may have to disagree with you.

Let me say I definitely agree with you when the guy is being an arrogant jerk and plays the "future doctor card." It's like saying "look, I will be a doctor and I will half a mil. a year. How can you not want to be my girlfriend."

Um no, I'm not talking about arrogance. I'm talking about the all too common person who never busts a move in college, has no rap, and simply expects women to flock to him once he is in med school. This is awfully common (as it was in law school as well). It doesn't work that way. You are either good at schmoozing members of the opposite sex or you aren't. The white coat is not some magical armor that attracts the ladies. Heck, I know folks who earn a lot more than doctors, who can't even hook up. That all comes down to interpersonal skills -- whether you got game, not your career. If anything, med school will be an impediment to dating because of the time constraints at times.

 

[Abilene85]

I agree with those who say it will happen when you aren't trying to find it. Right now, enjoy your single time. Do whatever you want exactly when you want to do it for as long as you want. Indulge in your weird single-person habits. Lounge naked around your house all day. Focus on your studies and making some close friends in the class. I was really surprised at the number of married people in my class, too. I mean, most of us are 22/23...why is everyone married!?

(I say all this, but I hope you meet your soulmate tomorrow. )

 

[bbggw]

hey slide, TN?

 

[doc20]

what do you guys think about prenup? How would you approach the other party? I mean you cant just be straightforward and say look I am scared you taking away half my income and my million dollar house and car and kids and still expect them to marry you. Now this prenup would be especially important if you have a non-professional spouse or a gold digger

 

[Law2Doc]

what do you guys think about prenup? How would you approach the other party? I mean you cant just be straightforward and say look I am scared you taking away half my income and my million dollar house and car and kids and still expect them to marry you. Now this prenup would be especially important if you have a non-professional spouse or a gold digger

Professionally I certainly have recommended them as a good idea. (Not really my area of law, but in all areas of law clients will get married). Personally, I can see how that is a hard sell. You can always fall back on the "my [family/lawyer/accountant] insists on me having one" line. That's what most people do. The reality of the situation is that about half of all marriages end in divorce, so prenups are something many people with assets contemplate. It is not very romantic to contemplate a failure of marriage before you start, but it is probably reflective of the reality of the divorce rate in the US.

Bear in mind that in some states, you probably will still lose half of what is accumulated during the marriage, but might be able to limit alimony etc. In some states there is case law that if you had a spouse during acquisition of your degree, the degree itself (or more accurately, what it yields financially) may be part of the marital estate. A prenup generally holds water only if both spouses have legal advice and representation so if you want it to be supported you may have to pay for an attorney of your betrothed's choice for her, as well as your own. Even then, if there is deemed to be an inequality of bargaining power, ie a rich uber educated physician marrying a poor high school graduate, the document may not be enforceable unless the document on its face seems fair to both parties. And also bear in mind that if you have kids and the spouse ends up with them we are actually talking about more than half your income between community property, alimony and child support. And with kids in the mix, you may still end up paying significant amounts, losing the family home etc if you don't end up the primary caregiver -- the child support is not going to be part of the prenup. Best advice -- pick your spouses wisely.

On the positive side, physicians don't all do as well these days as they have in past years, so you may not have a million dollar home to lose for many years, if ever.

 

[Law2Doc]

If the degree is part of the marital estate, then so is the student loan burden, no?

Is there a state out there that would let me sign a prenup which states that everything I owe before the wedding is mine along with everything I earn after it? Alimony is an outdated tradition that has no place in contemporary society.

Student loans aren't transferable -- that's one component of your property you won't have to share, I'm afraid. If you are worried about divorce, it's probably a good idea to pay those down early in the marriage.

There is no state that's going to let you keep all of your income earned subsequent to the marriage unless your spouse is also earning a lot of income and she is keeping all of hers as well. There are prenups that have been upheld where folks agree that a spouse ends up with, say, the house and a lump sum amount, but none of the future earnings. It's all about what someone external to the marriage is going to see as fair, given the duration of the marriage and the respective contributions. But with the perspective that the spouse who isn't working is equally contributing to the marriage in other ways -- effectively enabling the working party to go out and work without worrying about the homemaking aspects.

 

[Dr.Millisevert]

If the degree is part of the marital estate, then so is the student loan burden, no?

Is there a state out there that would let me sign a prenup which states that everything I owe before the wedding is mine along with everything I earn after it? Alimony is an outdated tradition that has no place in contemporary society.

Good point

Maybe you should just never get married in the first place. Also, never move in with each other.. just have a long term bf/gf. If you do decide to "move in" make sure the other person keeps a house/apartment in their name still.

Or better yet, just marry a rich girl and then if you do get divorced you can take half of her money and mil $ house. Women have been doing this for years now its our turn.. its 2007 boys time to learn from the women.

 

[Law2Doc]

Good point

Maybe you should just never get married in the first place. Also, never move in with each other.. just have a long term bf/gf. If you do decide to "move in" make sure the other person keeps a house/apartment in their name still.

This is a good point -- in some states if you have cohabitated with someone for a long period of time, or if you somehow hold out to the world that you are married (ie check into hotels as Mr & Mrs XYZ), you can be deemed common law married. There is also risk of being obligated to pay palimoney (non-married couple alimony) in certain states and circumstances (but awards of such tend to be quite rare).

 

[Law2Doc]

What about business assets? If you run a practice, couldn't you theoretically shelter your earnings as business income and pay yourself a small salary? Maybe let the business pay off the student loans pre-tax?

I know, I'm reaching...

Your spouse doesn't get half the money, she gets half the assets -- ie half the business interests. So even if you don't pay out salary, your spouse will get half the company, and as an equal shareholder can generally force a dividend. Paying personal expenses with business income is a big no-no -- you will thereafter basically enable creditors to "pierce the corporate veil" and sue you personally for any business expenses, because they will have evidence that you and the corporation are not being run as separate entities (rendering the corporate limitation of liability, the whole reason you set up a corporation or other business entity in the first place, non-existent).

 

[Abilene85]

I agree, but women around me tend to view marriage as a necessary component of a long term relationship. Regardless, I will always have my own apartment separate from any marital living unit when I need to get away. I don't like living in a house (again, contrary to the viewpoint of a typical female).

Funny, I get the marriage pressure from my male friends just as much as my female. I don't think I'll keep an apartment, but maybe I'll have my private wing to the house...

 

[Doctor Bagel]

Funny, I get the marriage pressure from my male friends just as much as my female. I don't think I'll keep an apartment, but maybe I'll have my private wing to the house...

Yeah, I think the stereotypical men being afraid of marriage thing isn't true. Honestly, all the married men I know are 50 million times more enthusiastic about being married than the married women I know. And I've met plenty of commitment phobic women.

 

[Doctor Bagel]

I don't like living in a house (again, contrary to the viewpoint of a typical female).

And contrary to the viewpoint of the typical male. I don't think preferring a house to an apartment is a particular chick thing.

 

[ForbiddenComma]

Not to divert from this fascinating discussion of the technical details of prenups, but...

I feel the OP's pain. In our class, the few people who were single at the start of med school hooked up with each other in a mad rush during first year. But since I was stuck in a relationship at the time, I missed out... now, as an M3, everyone in my class is married or in one of those "common law" live-in things where they may as well be married.

And not just in my class. Everyone in the hospital is hitched. EVERYONE. Residents, attendings, students, nurses, janitors, lunch ladies, EVERYONE. Well, either married or crazy. And to be honest, most of the crazies are married too. (not just the women either. Men too. If a girl not in a relationship existed at this hospital... which she doesn't, but if she did... she would be in the same kind of hell.)

Why does everyone cling to the first person they are comfortable with in their early 20s? Why does nobody around here ever wait? Why does everyone thing it's some sort of major life accomplishment to get married to the first cheating alcoholic who says yes or who proposes? When the inevitable divorce comes 15 years and 3 kids later, I suppose, maybe then I'll have the last laugh... at least my random history of pointless hookups and empty, lust-fueled flings hasn't resulted in alimony, child support (knock on wood) or lengthy divisions of assets.

 

[Gut Shot]

How are they any different?

The church girls are much dirtier.

 

[Gut Shot]

How have you guys been able to meet other singles outside your class?

Go online. match.com, e-harmony, yahoo personals, chemistry.com... use 'em. I know a sizable and increasing number of couples who met online. These places are like virtual freshman dorms. It's also a chance to meet people outside of medicine, which is a good thing. A very, very good thing.

 

[The Angriest Bird]

Why does everyone cling to the first person they are comfortable with in their early 20s? Why does nobody around here ever wait?

In college, I was a gender-psychology major. I spent a good amount of time studying the questions you asked, both theoretically and empirically. Now I will attempt to answer your question.

To me and many other folks, the ideal way of choosing a person to marry is to see whether the personalities match, the future house income, living habits, each person's social network, and common Yes's and No's, etc. In reality, it rarely works like this.

The vasy majority of marriages are done by the following four steps:

1. The first contact
2. The chemistry
3. The fulfilling of needs
4. The rejection of alternatives

So two people meet (Step 1). This can be anywhere. A bar, the office, church, party. Then they think each other looks pretty good (Step 2). Hanging out with each other satisfies their needs (Step 3). The need doesn't have to be sexual but for many couples it's a big one. The need can be money, a car, the notion of a trophy gf/bf, someone to talk to, or (as in case of medical student) the right to say "I'm not single." Then they stop seeking for alternative dates, because 1) to maintain fidelity 2) their needs are fulfilled (Step 4). Many of such relationships end, but a good portion proceed to marriage.

IMO, the #1 determinant of a relationship is proximity. There's also a good amount of experimental evidence in the psychology literature to support this claim. You are 1000x more like to marry a person sitting in your classroom than a girl who lives in another town but can be a 1000x better wife.

 

[TRAMD]

I wasn't aware that being single was something you had to "deal" with. You don't have to "deal" with being well hung or "deal" with having millions of dollars . . .

 

[TRAMD]

In college, I was a gender-psychology major. I spent a good amount of time studying the questions you asked, both theoretically and empirically. Now I will attempt to answer your question.

To me and many other folks, the ideal way of choosing a person to marry is to see whether the personalities match, the future house income, living habits, each person's social network, and common Yes's and No's, etc. In reality, it rarely works like this.

The vasy majority of marriages are done by the following four steps:

1. The first contact
2. The chemistry
3. The fulfilling of needs
4. The rejection of alternatives

So two people meet (Step 1). This can be anywhere. A bar, the office, church, party. Then they think each other looks pretty good (Step 2). Hanging out with each other satisfies their needs (Step 3). The need doesn't have to be sexual but for many couples it's a big one. The need can be money, a car, the notion of a trophy gf/bf, someone to talk to, or (as in case of medical student) the right to say "I'm not single." Then they stop seeking for alternative dates, because 1) to maintain fidelity 2) their needs are fulfilled (Step 4). Many of such relationships end, but a good portion proceed to marriage.

IMO, the #1 determinant of a relationship is proximity. There's also a good amount of experimental evidence in the psychology literature to support this claim. You are 1000x more like to marry a person sitting in your classroom than a girl who lives in another town but can be a 1000x better wife.

My wife and I met while living 1000 miles apart and we didn't meet on the internet, the interSTATE actually. She was in my area for 2 days and I passed her on the interstate, thought she was cute and the rest is history . . .

 

[medicomel]

One of my residents on my current rotation met his wife online. I think it's becoming a perfectly acceptable way to meet people nowadays. Eharmony, however, is on my blacklist because they only accept heterosexual people (I'm heterosexual, but it's a principle thing).

wow. you are now my favorite person on SDN.

 

[doc20]

wow so since I managed to open up the pandora's box on prenup.
lets take it a step further
and now for all the critics saying doctors should marry another doctor or millionaire, I think everyone agrees here it is better to marry out of profession. so prenup guys/gals is going to be on table no matter what
it just hurts my heart, knowing someone can take away half my salary for rest of life that I will be working my butt for.
and yes all man/woman before marriage are all enthusiastic about commitment and all that craze, its after the marriage it starts getting ugle lol
LAW2DOC = If you are saying prenup don't hold if it seems unfair, then what the hell prenups are for?
I mean there gotta be a loop hole where you put in certain clause, say if divorce happens in such and such circumstances then she gets nothing,
I am not worried about paying for alimony if its going towards my children.
but I am afraid of ending up with gold digger.
does any feel like american laws are stupid?

oh and another good thing about having prenup could be actually avoidin an divorce in 1st place.

 

[UnderdogMD]

I tend to agree with Ice Nine about the alimony thing. I think I have the solution to the prenup thing. Live a married life without getting married. What I mean is do not get legally married but live with a woman, heck have kids ect. One could even have a fake wedding if she insisted. Would this work ?

Edit: just saw the common law thing. My plans are foiled.

 

[ubcredfox]

You ought to forget about dating. Embrace single life, and celibacy.

Then, go do a surgery residency, and go all out to get that fellowship in trauma.

By that time, you'll have forgotten all about women, dating, and thoughts of intimacy will largely be replaced by thoughts of your patients' volume status.

That's my dream.

 

[omgwtfbbq?]

Hey now, there's nothing wrong with dating med school girls. That comment above about us being anal and prudish is terribly wrong. Wikipedia addicted and sleep-deprived, sure, but it's always the nerdy ones with a lot of pent up energy who are the wildest And as for time constraints on a relationship... there's always the janitors closet or the call room for a quick... um... visit.

On another note.... why does my status still say pre-med? have I really been on this site that long? eeeeeee.... bad. goodbye then, i'm off to get a life

 

[sprinkibrio]

#1: Tune out any pressure you feel to find someone (everyone else in medical school is serious with someone, my whole town is filled with marrieds, etc). You'll be stagnant with that attitude, so want someone for the experience and company only.
#2: You have to make finding someone a priority. Join match.com, grab one of those free weekly entertainment news papers (you know, the ones with all the ads for the bands and stuff) and pick something to do. I would agree with the dancing thing. Join meetup.com.

There are a million ways to get out of your medical school bubble so do it, and now. Other students aren't going to help expand your social network, but people outside of medicine have more time and motivation. All you need is to find the right clique of people not from Alabama who are here for work who share your values and haven't decided to get married at 22. They do exist you just have to look actively. Take control of your life.

 

[deleted77919]

On another note.... why does my status still say pre-med? have I really been on this site that long? eeeeeee.... bad. goodbye then, i'm off to get a life

You can always change that. Clik on my account at the top of the page and then "edit profile." You can give yourself whatever rank or status you desire.

 

[Re3iRtH]

Professionally I certainly have recommended them as a good idea. (Not really my area of law, but in all areas of law clients will get married). Personally, I can see how that is a hard sell. You can always fall back on the "my [family/lawyer/accountant] insists on me having one" line. That's what most people do. The reality of the situation is that about half of all marriages end in divorce, so prenups are something many people with assets contemplate. It is not very romantic to contemplate a failure of marriage before you start, but it is probably reflective of the reality of the divorce rate in the US.

Bear in mind that in some states, you probably will still lose half of what is accumulated during the marriage, but might be able to limit alimony etc. In some states there is case law that if you had a spouse during acquisition of your degree, the degree itself (or more accurately, what it yields financially) may be part of the marital estate. A prenup generally holds water only if both spouses have legal advice and representation so if you want it to be supported you may have to pay for an attorney of your betrothed's choice for her, as well as your own. Even then, if there is deemed to be an inequality of bargaining power, ie a rich uber educated physician marrying a poor high school graduate, the document may not be enforceable unless the document on its face seems fair to both parties. And also bear in mind that if you have kids and the spouse ends up with them we are actually talking about more than half your income between community property, alimony and child support. And with kids in the mix, you may still end up paying significant amounts, losing the family home etc if you don't end up the primary caregiver -- the child support is not going to be part of the prenup. Best advice -- pick your spouses wisely.

On the positive side, physicians don't all do as well these days as they have in past years, so you may not have a million dollar home to lose for many years, if ever.

Haha, after reading that big paragraph, I need one needs to be
extra careful, holy smokes.

 

[Dr.Millisevert]

wow so since I managed to open up the pandora's box on prenup.
lets take it a step further
and now for all the critics saying doctors should marry another doctor or millionaire, I think everyone agrees here it is better to marry out of profession. so prenup guys/gals is going to be on table no matter what
it just hurts my heart, knowing someone can take away half my salary for rest of life that I will be working my butt for.
and yes all man/woman before marriage are all enthusiastic about commitment and all that craze, its after the marriage it starts getting ugle lol
LAW2DOC = If you are saying prenup don't hold if it seems unfair, then what the hell prenups are for?
I mean there gotta be a loop hole where you put in certain clause, say if divorce happens in such and such circumstances then she gets nothing,
I am not worried about paying for alimony if its going towards my children.
but I am afraid of ending up with gold digger.
does any feel like american laws are stupid?

oh and another good thing about having prenup could be actually avoidin an divorce in 1st place.

This is even one of the problems with child support to be honest. Its not that most men mind giving their children things... but you aren't allowed to just give it to the children apart from their mother.
... and what happens unfortunantly is in many cases the mother ends up spending the child support on themselves. (there is nothing you can do about this and it sucks).


Then when she asks you for alimony too.. and you reply, "You just spent my child support on new leather hooker pants, so that's it.. you've already spent your alimony bi*ch". Then she reports you for not giving her more money for yet another pair of shoes and guess what? You're labeled as a "dead beat dad"!

(this happend to a co-worker of mine a few years ago)

 

[sendwich]

My wife and I met while living 1000 miles apart and we didn't meet on the internet, the interSTATE actually. She was in my area for 2 days and I passed her on the interstate, thought she was cute and the rest is history . . .

i think the poster meant the MAJORITY of relationships start/work based proximity. your relationship clearly does NOT reflect the majority.

 

[nka1985]

Go online. match.com, e-harmony, yahoo personals, chemistry.com... use 'em. I know a sizable and increasing number of couples who met online. These places are like virtual freshman dorms. It's also a chance to meet people outside of medicine, which is a good thing. A very, very good thing.

Though we rarely mention it to people...I met my fiance on match.com during the free 3-day trial they were offering at the time, and I wasn't even looking to get married. Love just happens sometimes...he's my best friend and my greatest love.

If you're serious about finding someone, give it a try-it's less time consuming than going out any chance you can get with hopes of randomly meeting the right person. One word of advice though-be VERY honest about who you are, what you're life is like, what med school means to you, etc.

I have to second the people who say NOT to look in your med school class. Sure it might work for some people, but 2 stressed out sleep deprived people won't make for a great relationship. You need somebody who is relaxed, has their priorities straight, and-if the relationship is serious-realizes that what you're doing benefits both of you.

 

[Law2Doc]

Just to be clear, alimony consists of maintenance payments in addition to child support.

Just to clarify your being clear, alimony and child support are two separate awards, with two separate tax consequences etc. You can have one without the other and one does not include the other. In most cases if you get divorced and have kids and the other spouse ends up with primary custody, you will be paying both.

 

[thedelicatessen]

In all seriousness, I feel that part of the problem lies in just the cultural differences too. Even though I was raised in the south (MS), I went to college in Philadelphia and enjoyed it immensely there because I felt more at home with the environment and lifestyles there. Being in a city seems also to be more catered for single young adults as well. However, here in my current city, the current mindset is that if you're not married by age 24, you're a spinster. Though I don't have any plans for marriage until well in my 20s/30s, it does sort of close off options for you because for some reason around here, women just seem to be in a rush to get married/engaged. Plus, my city is very homogenous in terms of ethnicities, and being an asian minority in a state not really known for racial tolerance and open-mindedness just piles more crap onto the pile (I hate to be playing the race card in part of my problem, but my other minority friends in the M2 class have told me the same).

I too am an Asian American who grew up in the South, went to undergrad elsewhere, and am back here for med school. It totally boggles my mind that so many people my age in my class are already married while most of my friends from CA undergrad aren't even in serious relationships. While I live pretty conservatively, I really don't align with a lot of typical Southern values. Although I respect the people who have close ties here, from my female perspective, I want to meet a guy who knows about more than just this little geographic area. We'll see what happens in the next 4 years I guess. You have my empathy.