I can't stop comparing myself to friends.

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student192341

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As title suggests, my insecurity is killing me. I work really hard and put in my best effort for every class, but I always do worse than my friends. For instance, my friends and I struggled in Organic Chemistry and Physcis, so we had to study a lot to get grades we want in the classes. I got barely received A- in both classes while all of my friends got high A and aced the class. I know my friends put in their best effort to get A as well, but I worked and studidd as hard as they did. I am frustrated and depressed that I am just not smart compared to my friends. I cannot stop thinking that I will always do worse than others even I put in my best effort. I'm pretty sure they will do much better on MCAT than I do and get into better schools while I won't get accepted to the schools they are accepted to in the future. Can you guys give me a piece of advice to overcome insecurity?
 
1. Grades are only tangentially related to how intelligent you are.


2. There will always be people smarter than you, especially if you stay in academia.

3. You don’t need to have the highest grades in the class, only grades good enough to get you into medical school.

4. Stop being so fatalistic about grades. You make it sound as if the grade one gets in a class is basically determined by the IQ score you have when you enroll. Figure out ways to improve and do serious post Mortem on your exams and problem sets to figure out where you are coming short. Make sure you are using all available resources, including feedback from your peers with higher grades.

5. Don’t tie your sense of self worth to your academic accomplishments. Seriously, there is so much more to life. Get a hobby maybe. Anything to help you develop some perspective.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I don't understand why people are proud of intelligence. That's not an achievement, its a gift. Be proud to be the hardest working person in the room. Effort is virtuous.


sb247- Who is John Galt?
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I think it's healthy to be proud of your intelligence in the sense of recognizing it, being grateful for the gift, and embracing and developing it as part of who you are. In that respect, it's no different than gifts in art, music, sports, or anything else. The problem is when that pride becomes pathologic and comes to dominate your identity. That's when you become jealous of others, and that jealousy is what leads you to compare yourself negatively ("I'm distraught over the idea that someone may be smarter than me") or positively ("I'm so much better than others because they're dumb and I'm not").

OP: @sb247 is right, there will always be people smarter than you, and you need to get over it. I'm a really smart guy, but I work with residents who are more innately intelligent than me. But so what? I want the best residents to stay at my institution after they graduate even if that makes my candle shine a bit dimmer by comparison because they're incredible doctors and we can all benefit from their academic and clinical brilliance. Their accomplishments don't decrease mine. So stop comparing yourself to your friends, and worry about making your best better.
 
You have two paths to go, OP: You can either roll over and accept that they're better or work EVEN harder next semester to get to where they're at. Be critical at yourself, OP. did you really do everything you possibly could've to have done well. Did you watch a bit too much Netflix, surf social media too much, or play a bit too much Fortnite? After freshman year, I was livid at everyone for doing better than me until I took a VERY HARD look at myself. I criticized everything about myself and found that I am far from "putting in my best effort". I watched way too much Netflix to be honest. I didn't study my "hardest". I studied hard but it was far from what I could've possibly done.

An A- nevertheless is great. But you're current feeling stems from you innately realizing that you have more potential. Good luck OP
 
HomeSkool said:
I think it's healthy to be proud of your intelligence in the sense of recognizing it, being grateful for the gift, and embracing and developing it as part of who you are. In that respect, it's no different than gifts in art, music, sports, or anything else. The problem is when that pride becomes pathologic and comes to dominate your identity.
Click to expand...

I actually agree with @RNtoMD87 here. Being proud of how intelligent you are is like being proud of being Irish. You didn’t do anything. Personally, I don’t think it’s appropriate to take pride in anything, but if you’re going to be satisfied with your intelligence, it should be with how you use it and what you do with it (which is what you were getting at with the second part of that paragraph). I have a natural musical talent, but that’s not really something to be proud of. The albums I spent weeks and months writing, recording, and promoting are accomplishments I can be satisfied with, not my ability to pick up pretty much any instrument and teach myself how to play it. That’s just a thing I was born with.
 
Chill the **** out.

You worked hard and got a fine grade. There will always be people who are smarter than you and do better than you, sometimes with much less effort. If you wanna go into medicine then better get used to it.

Also, if you are already predicting that you will do a ****ty job on the MCAT and the application cycle, then guess what, you will probably do a ****ty job on the MCAT and the application cycle.

So move on, believe in yourself, and just do your best. And then, after you’ve done your damn best, be proud of your work and yourself.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I don't understand why people are proud of intelligence. That's not an achievement, its a gift.
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Matthew9Thirtyfive said:
Being proud of how intelligent you are is like being proud of being Irish. You didn’t do anything
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So true that you didn't do anything to be innately intelligent. You were simply born into existence. But I would counter (just a little) that it's ok to be proud of it in the sense that you can be proud that you're [insert ethnicity/country of origin/tall/short/blonde/brunette/etc.]. That does not give you an excuse to belittle others for not being as intelligent as you are nor, by the same token, should you feel worse about yourself for not being as intelligent as others.

If you don't want to feel badly about your grades, stop talking about grades with your friends. You can extract yourself from any grade-related conversations and move on to something else. If they pester you, just say you did well, that you're happy with your grades, and then change the topic. If they keep pestering you, change your friends.
 
"Comparison is the thief of joy" Theodore Roosevelt. Do you think Teddy Roosevelt spent one minute feeling inferior to another? Oh, hell no.

quote-comparison-is-the-thief-of-joy-theodore-roosevelt-50-14-79.jpg



and also:
chibirdcompare.jpg

You got a dang A- in Organic! Cause for celebration!
 
curbsideconsult said:
But I would counter (just a little) that it's ok to be proud of it in the sense that you can be proud that you're [insert ethnicity/country of origin/tall/short/blonde/brunette/etc.].
Click to expand...

That’s my point though. Why would you be proud of being tall? Or Irish? Or blonde? You didn’t do anything to be that way. Your parents had a baby and the gametes that got together gave you that phenotype. Being thankful or happy that you’re tall is not the same as being proud.
 
Though I sense that OP is trolling us, but I gotta say you can't even work at McDonald's with an A- in Orgo these days. So I'm sorry to say that you might as well kiss medical school good bye.

Sent from my SM-G950U using SDN mobile
 
Matthew9Thirtyfive said:
That’s my point though. Why would you be proud of being tall? Or Irish? Or blonde? You didn’t do anything to be that way. Your parents had a baby and the gametes that got together gave you that phenotype. Being thankful or happy that you’re tall is not the same as being proud.
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I think one can be proud of whatever characteristics they're born with, but we disagree on that. The point of being "proud" of innate characteristics can be applied to work ethic though too. Some people are naturally harder workers than others, so should they not be proud of the hard work they put into whatever activity they're doing? I think they can still be proud of that.
 
curbsideconsult said:
I think one can be proud of whatever characteristics they're born with, but we disagree on that. The point of being "proud" of innate characteristics can be applied to work ethic though too. Some people are naturally harder workers than others, so should they not be proud of the hard work they put into whatever activity they're doing? I think they can still be proud of that.
Click to expand...

The difference is that you control how hard you work. You don’t control how tall you are or what ethnicity you are. Pride by definition has anywhere from a touch of conceit to a lot of it, so I disagree with being proud of anything. But the word comes from the Latin for excessive self esteem. If you’re proud of something innate about you that you didn’t contribute to at all, I’d say that’s excessive self esteem. But agree to disagree I guess. 🙂
 
Matthew9Thirtyfive said:
The difference is that you control how hard you work. You don’t control how tall you are or what ethnicity you are. Pride by definition has anywhere from a touch of conceit to a lot of it, so I disagree with being proud of anything. But the word comes from the Latin for excessive self esteem. If you’re proud of something innate about you that you didn’t contribute to at all, I’d say that’s excessive self esteem. But agree to disagree I guess. 🙂
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Well, technically you can control how tall you are, but I think that would take extreme measures 😛

Yup, agree to disagree, but nothing wrong with that 🙂 I enjoy SDN debates/discussions that don't devolve into a flaming pile of worm-infested dog poo.
 
student192341 said:
As title suggests, my insecurity is killing me. I work really hard and put in my best effort for every class, but I always do worse than my friends. For instance, my friends and I struggled in Organic Chemistry and Physcis, so we had to study a lot to get grades we want in the classes. I got barely received A- in both classes while all of my friends got high A and aced the class. I know my friends put in their best effort to get A as well, but I worked and studidd as hard as they did. I am frustrated and depressed that I am just not smart compared to my friends. I cannot stop thinking that I will always do worse than others even I put in my best effort. I'm pretty sure they will do much better on MCAT than I do and get into better schools while I won't get accepted to the schools they are accepted to in the future. Can you guys give me a piece of advice to overcome insecurity?
Click to expand...
Why are you comparing yourself to others? What good does it do you? Life is not a competition, and viewing it as one is a sure recipe for misery.
 
Do you think there's anything else you could have done to get a higher grade? If not, great! You played the cards you were dealt to achieve the best result possible. There will always be people who are better than certain things than you are - that's just life. You can only control what you are able to control. Organic chemistry is hard. You got a good grade. That's an accomplishment.
 
It’s not unreasonable to compare yourself to others. Life isn’t about meeting some arbitrary number, it’s about being better than the guy sitting next to you. But at some point it gets unhealthy like in this case. You know how many people get B’s and lower in organic? Just calm down.

And being proud of being smart is like being proud of your heritage. Perfectly fine. Usually people who say things like “you can’t be proud of something that you did not technically earn” are insecure/jealous/both.
 
doctorcocter said:
It’s not unreasonable to compare yourself to others. Life isn’t about meeting some arbitrary number, it’s about being better than the guy sitting next to you. But at some point it gets unhealthy like in this case. You know how many people get B’s and lower in organic? Just calm down.

And being proud of being smart is like being proud of your heritage. Perfectly fine. Usually people who say things like “you can’t be proud of something that you did not technically earn” are insecure/jealous/both.
Click to expand...
I just find it silly to brag over an advantage. This is coming from a guy who made a 99 %ile on his nursing entrance exam (hey it's nursing but still), and scored genius on 2 IQ tests. I have a photographic memory, and lucid dream almost every night and solve problems that I was working on during the day such as building structures on my farm.

My father told me growing up "you're smarter than most of those idiots out there." Etc and I lived most of my life looking down on them, thinking they were stupid and unworthy. Until I woke up and realized how shallowminded I was being for basing my worth off of intelligence, especially since intelligence has SO many measures.

Better to judge yourself off of hard work, values, ethics, selflessness, etc.

Just my .02
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I just find it silly to brag over an advantage. This is coming from a guy who made a 99 %ile on his nursing entrance exam (hey it's nursing but still), and scored genius on 2 IQ tests. I have a photographic memory, and lucid dream almost every night and solve problems that I was working on during the day such as building structures on my farm.

My father told me growing up "you're smarter than most of those idiots out there." Etc and I lived most of my life looking down on them, thinking they were stupid and unworthy. Until I woke up and realized how shallowminded I was being for basing my worth off of intelligence, especially since intelligence has SO many measures.

Better to judge yourself off of hard work, values, ethics, selflessness, etc.

Just my .02
Click to expand...

Not to sound like I’m trying to take you down a peg or anything, because I’m not, but if you’re going to talk about how /iamverysmart you are, you probably shouldn’t use the term “photographic memory” as it has never been proven to even exist. An exceptional memory for images is not photographic memory, it’s just a good memory as most people have better visual memories than other types.

Additionally, while photographic memory and eidetic memory are sometimes used interchangeably, they are different. But it’s still very unlikely that you have an eidetic memory, as it has been shown to exist pretty much exclusively in children.

/pedantry
 
student192341 said:
As title suggests, my insecurity is killing me. I work really hard and put in my best effort for every class, but I always do worse than my friends. For instance, my friends and I struggled in Organic Chemistry and Physcis, so we had to study a lot to get grades we want in the classes. I got barely received A- in both classes while all of my friends got high A and aced the class. I know my friends put in their best effort to get A as well, but I worked and studidd as hard as they did. I am frustrated and depressed that I am just not smart compared to my friends. I cannot stop thinking that I will always do worse than others even I put in my best effort. I'm pretty sure they will do much better on MCAT than I do and get into better schools while I won't get accepted to the schools they are accepted to in the future. Can you guys give me a piece of advice to overcome insecurity?
Click to expand...
Go seek out a therapist or counselor.
 
student192341 said:
As title suggests, my insecurity is killing me. I work really hard and put in my best effort for every class, but I always do worse than my friends. For instance, my friends and I struggled in Organic Chemistry and Physcis, so we had to study a lot to get grades we want in the classes. I got barely received A- in both classes while all of my friends got high A and aced the class. I know my friends put in their best effort to get A as well, but I worked and studidd as hard as they did. I am frustrated and depressed that I am just not smart compared to my friends. I cannot stop thinking that I will always do worse than others even I put in my best effort. I'm pretty sure they will do much better on MCAT than I do and get into better schools while I won't get accepted to the schools they are accepted to in the future. Can you guys give me a piece of advice to overcome insecurity?
Click to expand...

Just in case no one pointed this out, while it is true that you may not be as smart as your friends (which is okay—you are probably better than them at other things as we all have our strengths), it is at least equally likely that you are simply studying inefficiently or not in the right way for your learning style. Experiment with different learning methods and different resources for the material. If you’re getting A-‘s in courses like ochem, you are not dumb. You just have to figure out how to get yourself over that last little bump.
 
You also might have specific strengths in your schooling that your friends might not, which can be compensated for by using other techniques.

I'm good at physical/organic chem and physics, but my biology skills (and long-term memory) are kind of meh. My ability to remember long-names and reams of verbal information is kinda bad too, so thank god for Anki. At the same time, experience matters too.

You don't know how hard your friends were working, nor do you know how strong their background in the subject matter was. If they went to math or science competitions in high school while you didn't, for instance, they probably have more experience in challenging problem-solving. I definitely didn't start out undergrad as a science whiz and had to work to build some cognitive abilities.

There's a few guys I know from undergrad who are objectively much smarter than me, and they have that positive quality, but I definitely also have positive qualities they don't have. Also ended up dating one of the smartest people I ever met, and she had some other issues lol. Intelligence only counts for so much.
 
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Matthew9Thirtyfive said:
Not to sound like I’m trying to take you down a peg or anything, because I’m not, but if you’re going to talk about how /iamverysmart you are, you probably shouldn’t use the term “photographic memory” as it has never been proven to even exist. An exceptional memory for images is not photographic memory, it’s just a good memory as most people have better visual memories than other types.

Additionally, while photographic memory and eidetic memory are sometimes used interchangeably, they are different. But it’s still very unlikely that you have an eidetic memory, as it has been shown to exist pretty much exclusively in children.

/pedantry
Click to expand...

Intelligence =/= knowledge, I'll concede the fact that perhaps I just have "good visual memory" anyhow, this is beside my point.

While I am intelligent (and feel I am knowledgeable but how do you measure that? Compared to anyone in medschool i certainly wouldn't brag about my knowledge base), I don't find it something bragworthy. I'm mentioning the fact as a reference. I have been one of these people who was proud of his intelligence and looked down at "slower" people. However I took a hard look at myself and came to the realization that it's nothing to be "proud" of but something to recognize and put to good use. What use is knowledge and intellect if not used to help fellow man?
 
RNtoMD87 said:
Intelligence =/= knowledge, I'll concede the fact that perhaps I just have "good visual memory" anyhow, this is beside my point.

While I am intelligent (and feel I am knowledgeable but how do you measure that? Compared to anyone in medschool i certainly wouldn't brag about my knowledge base), I don't find it something bragworthy. I'm mentioning the fact as a reference. I have been one of these people who was proud of his intelligence and looked down at "slower" people. However I took a hard look at myself and came to the realization that it's nothing to be "proud" of but something to recognize and put to good use. What use is knowledge and intellect if not used to help fellow man?
Click to expand...
I'm glad you realize that.

Being proud of your intelligence makes about as much sense as being proud of your face structure or of how much money your parents make. I think your actions, like your hours spent working or your steps taken to help others, are better to take pride in.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
Intelligence =/= knowledge, I'll concede the fact that perhaps I just have "good visual memory" anyhow, this is beside my point.

While I am intelligent (and feel I am knowledgeable but how do you measure that? Compared to anyone in medschool i certainly wouldn't brag about my knowledge base), I don't find it something bragworthy. I'm mentioning the fact as a reference. I have been one of these people who was proud of his intelligence and looked down at "slower" people. However I took a hard look at myself and came to the realization that it's nothing to be "proud" of but something to recognize and put to good use. What use is knowledge and intellect if not used to help fellow man?
Click to expand...

Yeah, that's why I started out by saying I wasn't trying to bring you down or insult you. I was just pointing something out because a lot of people make that mistake. I used to as well, as I have an extremely accurate visual memory too lol. Someone asked if I have a photographic memory, and I looked it up to make sure it was what I thought it was, and lo' and behold, it wasn't lol.
 
Mad Jack said:
Tough love is often the best thing that can be offered
Click to expand...

I tend to agree, although at this moment in my life, I believe tough love is best delivered by those who have demonstrated actual love toward the person receiving it. That's how you know that someone is showing you tough love because they actually want to see you do better, not for their own self interest.

But you know, these thoughts come from my experience only.
 
One thing that helps me is to compete against myself rather than people around me. Did I do the best that I could do in that circumstance? Like everyone said, there will always be people smarter than you.

One of my favorite inspirations is this quote from John Wooden.

“True success is attained only through the satisfaction of knowing you did everything within the limits of your ability to become the very best that you are capable of being.”
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I just find it silly to brag over an advantage. This is coming from a guy who made a 99 %ile on his nursing entrance exam (hey it's nursing but still), and scored genius on 2 IQ tests. I have a photographic memory, and lucid dream almost every night and solve problems that I was working on during the day such as building structures on my farm.

My father told me growing up "you're smarter than most of those idiots out there." Etc and I lived most of my life looking down on them, thinking they were stupid and unworthy. Until I woke up and realized how shallowminded I was being for basing my worth off of intelligence, especially since intelligence has SO many measures.

Better to judge yourself off of hard work, values, ethics, selflessness, etc.

Just my .02
Click to expand...
You could have just replied with your very last statement.
 
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student192341 said:
As title suggests, my insecurity is killing me. I work really hard and put in my best effort for every class, but I always do worse than my friends. For instance, my friends and I struggled in Organic Chemistry and Physcis, so we had to study a lot to get grades we want in the classes. I got barely received A- in both classes while all of my friends got high A and aced the class. I know my friends put in their best effort to get A as well, but I worked and studidd as hard as they did. I am frustrated and depressed that I am just not smart compared to my friends. I cannot stop thinking that I will always do worse than others even I put in my best effort. I'm pretty sure they will do much better on MCAT than I do and get into better schools while I won't get accepted to the schools they are accepted to in the future. Can you guys give me a piece of advice to overcome insecurity?
Click to expand...

A minus in bilateral OChem is cause for Celebrex!!!

Oh god I’ve been scribing way too much.
 
student192341 said:
As title suggests, my insecurity is killing me. I work really hard and put in my best effort for every class, but I always do worse than my friends. For instance, my friends and I struggled in Organic Chemistry and Physcis, so we had to study a lot to get grades we want in the classes. I got barely received A- in both classes while all of my friends got high A and aced the class. I know my friends put in their best effort to get A as well, but I worked and studidd as hard as they did. I am frustrated and depressed that I am just not smart compared to my friends. I cannot stop thinking that I will always do worse than others even I put in my best effort. I'm pretty sure they will do much better on MCAT than I do and get into better schools while I won't get accepted to the schools they are accepted to in the future. Can you guys give me a piece of advice to overcome insecurity?
Click to expand...

Solution. Have no friends. Works for me. 3.9999999 GPA (A- in Molecular Genoproteotransiptomics) , 15 publications + 12 in review, cured cancer. Come @ me bro.
 
The solution is acceptance and cultivating happiness for the successes of your friends. Your impulse is to feel bad about their successes as a reflection on you: consciously combat this impulse and act as if you are happy and proud for them (even internally to yourself, as well as externally) until you really feel that way. Also try service to others less fortunate and successful than yourself and cultivate gratitude.
 
Matthew9Thirtyfive said:
The difference is that you control how hard you work. You don’t control how tall you are or what ethnicity you are. Pride by definition has anywhere from a touch of conceit to a lot of it, so I disagree with being proud of anything. But the word comes from the Latin for excessive self esteem. If you’re proud of something innate about you that you didn’t contribute to at all, I’d say that’s excessive self esteem. But agree to disagree I guess. 🙂
Click to expand...
Being proud of a gift is like being proud you were given 100$ by a friend. It makes no sense. But it does make sense to be proud of accomplishment, because you EARNED it. I don't see how people are confused by this.
 
IsleyOfTheNorth said:
I hear ya man. Those braggarts are silly aren't they? 😉
Click to expand...
Totally missed the point. The point is bragging about an innate quality is stupid. Its like bragging that you are 6'3" tall. Or that you have blonde hair. Makes no sense.

Bragging about accomplishment, while annoying to others, makes SENSE. You accomplished something. You DID something.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
Being proud of a gift is like being proud you were given 100$ by a friend. It makes no sense. But it does make sense to be proud of accomplishment, because you EARNED it. I don't see how people are confused by this.
Click to expand...

Some people take pride in how they look or other innate characteristics. Personally, I think that's conceit and vanity, but I guess some people don't have an issue with that. Maybe I just have a different view of pride than most since I view anything I accomplish as something God did through me (and I couldn't have done it otherwise).

Btw, not trying to start a religious thing. Just providing context for why I might view pride in anything as negative.
 
Either way, religiously or not, it isn't our accomplishment to take credit for. It is either luck/chance/nature or God that gave us the trait. Being proud is taking credit for someone/something else's accomplishment.

I've always been proud of my powerlifting PRs, my military service, becoming a nurse, and I will be extremely proud if I ever have MD/DO behind my name, and I think any doctor should be EXTREMELY proud of him/herself, but I can't be proud of my intelligence. Note once again knowledge =/= intelligence. Being proud of knowledge in a subject is not conceit in my opinion.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
Totally missed the point. The point is bragging about an innate quality is stupid. Its like bragging that you are 6'3" tall. Or that you have blonde hair. Makes no sense.

Bragging about accomplishment, while annoying to others, makes SENSE. You accomplished something. You DID something.
Click to expand...

Oh no - I definitely got it. And I agree for the most part.

What I was pointing out was you using the opportunity to brag about yourself. 😉 Although I would say that 99th percentile nursing exam isn't exactly a "natural ability" unless you took it without looking at a nursing book, ever.
 
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