I need help

[typhon89007]

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I was recently dismissed from my school for cheating on an exam. I didn't need to cheat, I was doing fine, I was in the top of my classes on many things. I was working a job during school, I was depressed and am now bordering on suicidal. During the process of hearings I had to study for Step 1, still somehow managed a 243 while literally trying to read with tears in my eyes. I know most students on here just hate people like me on principle, so I don't really expect sympathy. I admitted it right away and feel on my sword for everything, and I know there isn't really much I can do, but I was wondering if anyone knows anything someone with two years of medical school might be able to do. My two under grad degrees are law and psych and are useless on their own. Are you black listed from applying to school, even in something unrelated to medicine? I know even graduate programs may not let someone like me in. I literally had a moment, unplanned, and stupid, stemming from some pretty dark and bad derisive symptoms, and now I'm 180000 in debt, and I have nothing. And this isn't something like, "it's a blessing in disguise". I literally gave up everything for a career in medicine. My home, my friends, and really it led to me taking every question so seriously that when I got things wrong it meant I was killing someone in the future. It's a stupid way to live, as everything I do is a failure when I think that way. It's why I'm here now. I volunteered, I worked hard and studied. I took everything seriously, and I was good at it. It wasn't a question of whether medicine was right for me and is this just a wake up call. It's not. I wanted it too badly I guess. And now I'm having dreams where I hope I get shot, or I'm driving and I want to run into the wall. I don't know what to do next. If I could just have a direction or goal it would at least let me sleep at night. And yes I have been with professional help for this, and no, professional help is not a cure for these things. I guess in a way I just wanted to have a way of saying that not everyone you see is terrible, and the competitiveness and the nature of the medical educational field leads to situations like mine. I don't blame the person who turned me in. All of us believe in a ethical code, a professional standard to the job. But instead of punishment, it may be wiser to approach people having difficulties and attempt to help, rather than gain a sense of self satisfaction of crushing another human being into the ground. Something like this has always been my worst fear, and you would think that if that was the case, why would I have risked that behavior at all. Sometimes, it's not planned. It's panic and despair. I will almost guaranteed never be a doctor. I would have been a great one, but I made one mistake, and now my entire life is now a joke, a complete failure to everyone I know, and such a shame to my family that they have to lie about me. Just look out for each other during these times, everyone always hates gunners, or doesn't like a particular person. But in the end you aren't fighting the people in your class for positions and hospitals. You should be happy for everyone around you, and I'm glad that everyone here takes everything seriously, and is helpful to one another. I may end up as the janitor in your hospital, so just remember, if everyone's life was defined by one mistake, things might not be so special for you down the road. Appreciate wherever you are right now, so that when you are literally considering a gun in the mouth, that hopefully one day you may be happy. So I'm just seeing if anyone has a suggestion or two for someone who is smart, but really really stupid at the same time

 

[dr.1Day@Atime]

just be honest with people.
if you really want to do medicine, just be honest and tell this story to admin.
if you want to be a nurse, just be honest, say what happened.
a school will have a great reason to distrust you and not invest their resources in you again.
However, schools do put a lot of trust in purely honest people.
Everyone makes mistakes, the question is, can you learn from them?
Good luck!
when your feeling down, remember that there are other people worse off than you in the world, and you have the ability to help them, whether it be with doctoring skills, financial support, mentorship, kinds words, or even just a smile.

 

[Pons Asinorum]

Can't tell if serious. Seriously. If serious, seek real world help with your emotional issues. Then come back and try to figure out what to do next.

 

[Serous Demilune]

I know it seems trite but hang in there. Problems from far away always seem like less of a huge deal than problems from up close. Just take it day by day, let time pass, and in time it won't be the tragedy you see it as now.

 

[operaman]

Also can't tell if this is serious or not. If so, please continue to seek help and tell your doctors the thoughts you've described above. From your post, you sound like you have more pressing problems than being dismissed from school.

As for what to do going forward, I think med school is definitely out. I don't think other careers are closed to you though and your preclinical knowledge could be useful in other fields such as law or pharma/device sales. The first 2 years are all about learning the language of medicine and that can be useful in other fields.

You may want to clarify the laws in your state, but generally schools are not allowed to discuss details of your case with anyone else. If called, they should really only be allowed to confirm dates of attendance and release a transcript if you allow it. They may have given you F's or Incompletes for the last semester of coursework, but there shouldn't be anything on there about reasons. You'll get asked, but it's not hard to spin something however you want.

If I were in your shoes, I would pay the money to speak with legal counsel and find out what your school can and cannot report to others. I know that in the business world, most companies now will only confirm dates of employment because there is too much liability in saying/not saying anything else. If the law suggests they may be legally liable if they say anything bad about you to other institutions, I might even pay the attorney to draft a letter to the school reminding them of this and suggesting that you would be willing to take legal action to protect your rights if they were to discuss their allegations of your cheating with anyone else.

 

[Promethean]

Breathe. This isn't the end of the world. You made a terrible error in judgment, and that has consequences, but your life isn't over, nor is it a joke.

You've been operating like a missile aimed at a target, shutting out all other possibilities. It can be hard to stop all of the sudden and realize that all of those other possibilities remain open to you. You just need to get your head together in order to be able to pick among them.

Student loan debt is an issue, but it is not insurmountable.

You need to calm down, get good counselling (legal and otherwise), and take care of yourself. With a little perspective, you can bounce back from this.

 

[typhon89007]

I am serious. I went to the administration, I was honest with them with everything. I told them exactly what it was and that I made a mistake. They dismissed me anyway. I'm appealing to the president of the university, apparently I'm the first person to ever try. I know it sounds like I have issues that make me seem like a bad candidate to be a doctor, but it isn't the fact that I'm emotionally unstable or deficient. If you gave up everything to do one thing, a dream, your money, your time, moved away from family, and now or was dashed to pieces with literally no way forward, you wouldn't think I was just making it up. Why would somebody make something like this up and post it onto a public forum. The first reaction is to not believe it?

And the lsat thing you want to do is threaten the school with some sort of legal action. Why should they want someone like that at the school? I did everything I could, but the administration was more ingested in the fact that I needed to work during medical school to pay for food. I had loans, I spent zero money, I budgeted well. I ran out of money 3 times. I didn't eat for 3 days during one summer break at the end. Their dispersement was delayed because of their mistakes, and during this process they only worried whether they screwed up and passed the 14 day limit to see if I could contact the government and have all the loans forgiven. Apparently they determined that there wasn't any risk to themselves, then dismissed me two days after taking step 1. Two months after first hearing about it. Maybe it's because they are up for LCME accreditation and can't have something like this on record. Regardless, I understand their thinking. I'm not running from blame.

I'm still waiting on a final decision from the school. I don't know what I can or cannot do or what the school reports. It's their decision how they want to report it. If they want they can poison any school application. Or they could allow my to withdraw. But they seem to feel that it isn't a bad enough punishment for a one time offense on a kid with no record and great grades. Of course no one can believe those now, but a 243 can't be faked. I know on SDN that is like, terrible, as apparently everyone on here is 260+, but it shows that I'm not trying to fake my way through.

I've always sublimated depressed feelings and channeled them into working hard. But I can't sublimate this. Yes, I was depressed before, but I have no room to talk with students who have families, children, everything else. But no, I'm despondent about my prospects now, and that's why I am feeling like I am now.

And I know this seems a bit hostile, especially given why I posted in the first place, but the first reaction to something like this is to assume I'm making it up? This would seem a pretty feeble joke if I wasn't serious.

 

[SouthernSurgeon]

I don't think you're joking.

I think your posts sound like someone who is seriously struggling with depression and mental illness.

These quotes in particular are concerning to me.

And now I'm having dreams where I hope I get shot, or I'm driving and I want to run into the wall. I don't know what to do next. If I could just have a direction or goal it would at least let me sleep at night. And yes I have been with professional help for this, and no, professional help is not a cure for these things.

Appreciate wherever you are right now, so that when you are literally considering a gun in the mouth, that hopefully one day you may be happy.

So I'm just seeing if anyone has a suggestion or two for someone who is smart, but really really stupid at the same time

My suggestion would be to see your psychiatrist as soon as physically possible, or even to go to a psychiatric emergency room.

You may be right that professional help can't magically "cure" what you are feeling.

But please seek help. Call a friend or family member if you are thinking about hurting yourself. Don't dig deeper into a hole alone.

 

[Winged Scapula]

The concern is the suicidal comments you made in the first post, especially in light of the loss of one of the most talented comedians of our time due to suicide. Please see someone for mental health assistance; your new steps will then seem clearer.

 

[dadaddadaBATMAN]

.

First thing is to take suicide off the table. See a mental health professional immediately, because nothing else is as important as addressing that.

Despite this, there may be a chance at making your way back into medical school eventually. But it will be years, at the very least.

Your priorities being screwed up is what got you into this mess in the first place. Don't let that continue to rule your life, or define it. Take some time and find some mental stability. You won't be able to do anything until you establish that.

 

[Winged Scapula]

This thread has been reported by several users due to the comments about self-harm. SDN takes such statements seriously and we would like to remind the OP and all posters that SDN should not serve as a place to obtain counseling or other advice regarding significant psychological issues. Anyone who is contemplating harming themselves should immediately seek professional counseling advice, not rely on SDN or other non-professional resources.

Members who have serious concerns about their career and would like to post details more anonymously may do so in the Confidential Consult forum.

At this time, given the nature of the thread and the concerns expressed, the moderation staff of SDN will close this thread.