I’m lost - brutal opinions welcome

Hermedness

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Hi everyone,

Non traditional here. I am asking advice from spouses of premed / med students and anyone else willing to answer.
I am bit lost and need your honest and brutal opinion on the following

FACTS:

- BS in business management, currently pursuing premed
- Average smart but definitely not a genius. I can get A’s but I work for those.
- Current gpa 4.0 but I haven’t taken upper divisions yet...
- Married to a hard working husband who has his own business
- I have always wanted to go to medical school but issues in my life and the lack of a strong support system prevented me from committing to such a long path
- My husband and I decided that medical school was an excellent path that would allow him to retire and not work until 70, while allowing me to fulfill my dream
- Husband is a good person, although he suffers from extreme anxiety, mood swings, panick attacks, chronic pain, and PTSD (he is a veteran)
- Our stepson recently moved in with us (also adorable, no issues there and I enjoy being a mother figure to him)

ISSUE:

After 1 year of intense pre-reqs, my husband is getting COLD FEET about medical school and is urging me to go help him with work.

He always complains that I don’t cook, I am not there, I can’t participate in family events et cetera due to exams and deadlines. (I do cook et cetera but I think his comments are symptomatic of abandonment issues). Obviously going to school full time changed our family dynamics. We were really close together before and spent plenty of time together with a flexible schedule. He now shows resentment and, while still supporting me financially, has rage fits (most conveniently before my exams) saying “he didn’t sign up for this” and that he misses me and so forth.

His bad mood affects me negatively and my most recent grades TANKED. I should not let the fights interfere but... my issue is now I am basically being asked to choose between my marriage and the possibility of attempting admission to medical school.

The story is probably more complicated than you can imagine; I love my family and I am a hard worker. I can schedule eveything down to the minute to combine premed, healthy lifestyle and family time. But I know medical school will be a marathon and now I KNOW he won’t be able to support me emotionally.

What should I do? Should I defer? Should I persevere? Should I put this on hold and help him with the business?
Now I am totally lost and having an identity crisis... I thought that’s what WE BOTH wanted for our future ...

Thank you in advance!

EDITS:

#1 We are already in counseling. If you are not familiar with PTSD I don’t blame you but I just know there is a reason some individuals receive a disability pension. It’s quite the complicated issue.

#2 I don’t blame husband for recent pooor school performance (I am still a midterm A) but rather myself. But the only way I could not get involved in arguments if if I had no feeling for him and just ignore him.

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Full disclosure, I am a fourth year, married, and have a small child.

It is a tough situation. I don't expect your husband (and it seems you also don't expect your husband) to be able to support you. I fully expect things to get worse if you actually matriculate into medical school. You will be paying a lot more for tuition, you will be under a lot more stress, and you will likely need just as much or more time to study.

I suppose the hard question is: is your dream for medical school greater than your marriage? It strains me to write it this way, but if you boil everything down I think this is what it may come down to. From what you wrote, you seem like you really appreciated your marriage, you guys seem financially stable. You are passionate about medicine now, but if you go through the threads of different specialties, you will see a lot of doctors who were once passionate about medicine, that passion now steamrolled by never ending bureaucratic and business changes to medicine. If you truly would put medicine above your marriage, I don't think there is much of an argument. If you would put marriage above medicine, and you know your husband will not be able to support you, I think the answer is also evident.

I wish you the best
 
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Unless something changes with your husband (like he gets therapy to address abandonment/PTSD/anxiety related issues), it's likely it would get worse with medical school and residency given the time commitment.

Several thoughts:
1. What are the chances he will develop coping mechanisms and be able to handle changes in your lifestyle and family time if you continue pursuing med school?
2. If your husband is no longer on board (or can't truly get on board due to mental health issues) with med school, are you ok giving up this dream? Are there alternate pathways you would be happy with? If you help him with his business, would you be happy?
3. You mentioned "rage fits". As a physician, if a patient uses that phrase, it raises concern for physical or psychological abuse in the household. Perhaps you phrased it in a way that makes it sound worse than it is, but this implies aggressive or violent behavior, in which case you need to consider finding a safer environment or having your husband work on this formally by seeking counseling (and not just saying he'll do better). Consider your step son's mental health as well, as kids are definitely affected by witnessing this type of behavior. Your safety is a priority.
 
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Residency is tough on relationships. I can't speak on medical school, because I didn't know my husband then, but we met his intern year of gen surg so we went through the long haul of residency together.

Go for your goal!!! In my opinion, your husband should be supporting you fully in your dreams. It sounds like he has more free time at the moment, and that he's going to greatly benefit by retiring early and not working again until 70, so he needs to be making sure you can accomplish your goals that will benefit your whole family. In my household, I do all the cooking/cleaning/grocery shopping/lunch packing/laundry/social planning/packing for travel/etc. Basically, I take care of my spouse completely because we both want him to be able to focus 100% on work and to achieve his goal of matching into a top fellowship. I attend holidays/weddings/happy hours/family vacations/funerals/etc alone. Of course I miss my husband and can sympathize with your spouse's feelings of abandonment, but I do it happily because I know in the end it will all be worth it. If your husband is already having a hard time with absences and supporting you, it is only going to get much, much harder... I would have a come to Jesus talk with your husband. You need someone who supports your dreams and goals, and you don't want to resent him if you leave the path you're on.
 
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Thank you guys. I read all of your opinions.

After much tribulation and error, I decided that for the time being I need to be there for my husband / family. My marriage is not necessarily more important than my dreams; but marriage is a commitment, and that is one I took on before medical school.
What kind of doctor will I ever be, if I can’t recognize who around me needs help and support?

However, because giving up Sciences entirely would break my heart, we compromised on me taking 1-2 classes per semester. I re-arranged my schedule so that I take the bare minimum credits required “on paper” (up to OCHEM) and then supplement with online HMX (Harvard med) courses so I can adequately prepare for the MCAT. In all honesty the quality of instruction in the city I am from is quite inferior, and I tend to learn faster and way better on my own.

Most of my originally planned premed program through my institution was a bunch of busy work that left me no space for research and to get passionate...

I am not sure if I will ever make it to med school, but slow progress is better than no progress.

My reply might come across as a monologue, but maybe this reasoning will help individuals who have the same issue in the future.
 
I agree with what has already been posted. I will state more clearly that your desire to become a physician is going to threaten your marriage. Medical school yes, residency, by orders of magnitude more. I went into this gig with a spouse who was willing, supportive and extremely forgiving. Your spouse does not sound similar. Should you pursue this, and if it is your calling, you should; based on what you have typed, it will strain your marriage to the point of divorce.

Pre-reqs can be grueling and daunting, but medical school and then residency is far more grueling. Medical school and residency implies a single parent situation. In my experience, your relationship has to be very strong and in agreement of this path. Good luck.
 
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Go for your goal!!! In my opinion, your husband should be supporting you fully in your dreams.

I disagree. You husband isn't your father. There is no such thing as "your goal" when you're married, there is only "our goal": you work in support of each other. And when you have kids, it's not even close to being about either of you. I'm sorry, but dreams are for children; at some point, you have to grow up.

I'm reading things like "rage fits", "mood swings," "abandonment issues," resentment, and fights that are so bad that they cause your grades to "tank" even though you claim that you can "schedule eveything down to the minute to combine premed, healthy lifestyle and family time." From afar, your relationship frankly sounds toxic beyond salvage. It's also interesting that the only person to blame for your poor grades is your husband (or the local institution that doesn't "give you space" to "get passionate").

"I am not sure if I will ever make it to med school, but slow progress is better than no progress." No. Slow progress is often worse than no progress, because it's usually a waste of time. If you want something in life, you have to commit to it. The brutal truth is this: all you have right now is a half-committed dream and a half-committed marriage. Both are heading for failure unless something changes.
 
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unless he as a drastic change of heart (you two could use counseling) I don't think you'll make it through med school with the family intact
 
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I disagree. You husband isn't your father. There is no such thing as "your goal" when you're married, there is only "our goal": you work in support of each other. And when you have kids, it's not even close to being about either of you. I'm sorry, but dreams are for children; at some point, you have to grow up.

I'm reading things like "rage fits", "mood swings," "abandonment issues," resentment, and fights that are so bad that they cause your grades to "tank" even though you claim that you can "schedule eveything down to the minute to combine premed, healthy lifestyle and family time." From afar, your relationship frankly sounds toxic beyond salvage. It's also interesting that the only person to blame for your poor grades is your husband (or the local institution that doesn't "give you space" to "get passionate").

"I am not sure if I will ever make it to med school, but slow progress is better than no progress." No. Slow progress is often worse than no progress, because it's usually a waste of time. If you want something in life, you have to commit to it. The brutal truth is this: all you have right now is a half-committed dream and a half-committed marriage. Both are heading for failure unless something changes.

Just to clarify I don’t blame my husband for my poor grades - I blame myself for my poor grades and for allowing myself to get involved in the drama. And I agree with you. If you are married, there are no individual goals, the goal should be a common one. It’s like I started a sprint thinking he was right behind me and then I turn and he is standing there waving at me to come back. That’s why I am Lost.

Lymphocyte, why do you say slow progress is a waste of time? Don’t you think education per se is valuable? I still love science. love!

For others reading, we are actively counseling but it’s not going to be solved in a few sessions...
 
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Well FIRST OF ALL, let me start by saying I am SO sorry you're in this situation.

Second... I highly admire your hard work, determination, and obviously your passion. I am also married, no kids but my husband proposed when I decided mid-way through my masters degree I didn't want to pursue neuropsychology I wanted a career in concrete medicine and loved the hospital environment.

I am BARELY home.. like ever and its really hard and I feel guilty ALL of the time but he knows if I quit and took some job just to make money I would end up resenting him. We actually got an annulment a couple of months after getting married bc he went away for a couple of months of officer training for the summer while was taking 8 hours of pre-reqs and 6 hours of grad classes toward my masters of neuroscience while also shadowing 30hrs a week. that was breaking point and I decided I wasn't going to let a relationship ruin my god given ability and passion to save the lives and play a healing hand in so many other lives. I went through with the annulment and he weirdly COMPLETELY changed. and that was about 2 yrs ago. I try and plan my studying so I can be with him even if its half a day or one day. I don't even think I have any real solid advice for you but I did want to say that I admire your passion and I feel your pain/guilt/constant frustration with the situation, but yours sounds a lot worse.

I would however, pump the brakes on those guilt-trips he is giving you because at the end of the day he should support you as your husband and admire your passion and ambition. I GET the money thing.. trust me I do. I put off applying for another cycle and I'm working as a medical scribe and subsitie teacher right now while also studying for the MCAT. So that is different because its not a lack of support or understanding from his side.. its more of a .. we need to keep the lights on and a roof over our heads kind of thing. I am planning on joining the military as a reserves officer upon being accepted. they pay for ALL of your college Eno matter were you go plus they give you a monthly living stipend for food and living expenses, even if you're married.

There are other options as well though so I would maybe look into those and talk with him and maybe have a plan that makes it known the situation is only temporary right now and there is a financial plan in place. Also, make sure you're applying and picking a school that has a reputation of being flexible and considerate of your home life. AKA if you get pregnant/married. For example, Houston McGovern Med School in Houston, TX does a special tour a week before classes start for students who have spouses and its cool they get a chance to see what you will be doing every day and even let them see the Anatomy lab. I think it gives them good insight and more understanding.

I REALLY HOPE ANY OF THAT HELPS!! your situation sounds really hard. Stay strong and focused. You sound really driven and ambitious, would be sad if patients missed out on that kind of doctor because of an external circumstance.

Good luck!
 
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Just to clarify I don’t blame my husband for my poor grades - I blame myself for my poor grades and for allowing myself to get involved in the drama. And I agree with you. If you are married, there are no individual goals, the goal should be a common one. It’s like I started a sprint thinking he was right behind me and then I turn and he is standing there waving at me to come back. That’s why I am Lost.

Lymphocyte, why do you say slow progress is a waste of time? Don’t you think education per se is valuable? I still love science. love!

For others reading, we are actively counseling but it’s not going to be solved in a few sessions...

I'm sitting in the call room burned out of my mind with not enough coffee in the world keeping me awake, so perhaps I'm not in the best frame of mind to respond, but...

1. If you're taking these courses out of love, then what you have is a hobby and needs to be prioritised as such.

2. It gets harder. Waaaaay harder. Every year I marvel at how much free time I had the year before, and every year I'm so busy I wonder how I'll ever survive it. Some people make it work, but it takes a lot of sacrifice and understanding, and I don't think (just based purely on what you wrote) your relationship is there yet. Plus there's a kid in the picture, which makes things a lot more complicated.
 
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Need a bit of tough love here.

Either medical school or your marriage will need to go unless your husband’s attitude drastically changes.

You are only taking prerequisites now and it is jeopardizing your marriage.

You (and he) need to realize that it gets much harder from here.

Medical school is far more demanding both in terms of time and amount of material to learn.

Residency will place even more demands on your time.

If your husband expects you to cook every night, that isn’t going to happen. There will be nights you don’t even get to come home.

It’s not my place to tell you whether to give up on medicine or your marriage, but unless something changes drastically, it’s clear you won’t be able to have both.
 
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Well FIRST OF ALL, let me start by saying I am SO sorry you're in this situation.

Second... I highly admire your hard work, determination, and obviously your passion. I am also married, no kids but my husband proposed when I decided mid-way through my masters degree I didn't want to pursue neuropsychology I wanted a career in concrete medicine and loved the hospital environment.

I am BARELY home.. like ever and its really hard and I feel guilty ALL of the time but he knows if I quit and took some job just to make money I would end up resenting him. We actually got an annulment a couple of months after getting married bc he went away for a couple of months of officer training for the summer while was taking 8 hours of pre-reqs and 6 hours of grad classes toward my masters of neuroscience while also shadowing 30hrs a week. that was breaking point and I decided I wasn't going to let a relationship ruin my god given ability and passion to save the lives and play a healing hand in so many other lives. I went through with the annulment and he weirdly COMPLETELY changed. and that was about 2 yrs ago. I try and plan my studying so I can be with him even if its half a day or one day. I don't even think I have any real solid advice for you but I did want to say that I admire your passion and I feel your pain/guilt/constant frustration with the situation, but yours sounds a lot worse.

I would however, pump the brakes on those guilt-trips he is giving you because at the end of the day he should support you as your husband and admire your passion and ambition. I GET the money thing.. trust me I do. I put off applying for another cycle and I'm working as a medical scribe and subsitie teacher right now while also studying for the MCAT. So that is different because its not a lack of support or understanding from his side.. its more of a .. we need to keep the lights on and a roof over our heads kind of thing. I am planning on joining the military as a reserves officer upon being accepted. they pay for ALL of your college Eno matter were you go plus they give you a monthly living stipend for food and living expenses, even if you're married.

There are other options as well though so I would maybe look into those and talk with him and maybe have a plan that makes it known the situation is only temporary right now and there is a financial plan in place. Also, make sure you're applying and picking a school that has a reputation of being flexible and considerate of your home life. AKA if you get pregnant/married. For example, Houston McGovern Med School in Houston, TX does a special tour a week before classes start for students who have spouses and its cool they get a chance to see what you will be doing every day and even let them see the Anatomy lab. I think it gives them good insight and more understanding.

I REALLY HOPE ANY OF THAT HELPS!! your situation sounds really hard. Stay strong and focused. You sound really driven and ambitious, would be sad if patients missed out on that kind of doctor because of an external circumstance.

Good luck!

Thank you so very much! This is greatly appreciated!!!
 
I'm sitting in the call room burned out of my mind with not enough coffee in the world keeping me awake, so perhaps I'm not in the best frame of mind to respond, but...

1. If you're taking these courses out of love, then what you have is a hobby and needs to be prioritised as such.

2. It gets harder. Waaaaay harder. Every year I marvel at how much free time I had the year before, and every year I'm so busy I wonder how I'll ever survive it. Some people make it work, but it takes a lot of sacrifice and understanding, and I don't think (just based purely on what you wrote) your relationship is there yet. Plus there's a kid in the picture, which makes things a lot more complicated.

Thank you for your candor. How would you say your health is compared prior to becoming a doctor? Highly value mental and physical balance and keeping in shape inside and out is also important to me. Is it really unhealthy like most suggest ?
 
Thank you for your candor. How would you say your health is compared prior to becoming a doctor? Highly value mental and physical balance and keeping in shape inside and out is also important to me. Is it really unhealthy like most suggest ?
I’m a resident in my last year. With kids and a husband. Yes it is really unhealthy in terms of time required. Yes you can absolutely prioritize health and working out etc (and many residents do)- but prioritizing health AND working out AND your kid AND your husband AND still having time to be a decent resident seems highly unlikely. i echo what a previous resident said about each year getting harder. That is true- in many ways senior residents do have it much better thAn the interns do, but all years of residency are really tough.
 
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