Impact of Your Studies on Your Marriage?

[PsyStudent925]

To all the students out there who began their program already being married- what impact have you felt on your marriage? Obviously this would depend on many variables, but is anyone willing to share their experiences, either positive or negative? This is something I am increasingly worrying about (because of trying to balance family life with school) as I prepare for my PhD program this Fall. My husband will be working full time and is not a student. Thanks!

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[Prsstnt]

To all the students out there who began their program already being married- what impact have you felt on your marriage? Obviously this would depend on many variables, but is anyone willing to share their experiences, either positive or negative? This is something I am increasingly worrying about (because of trying to balance family life with school) as I prepare for my PhD program this Fall. My husband will be working full time and is not a student. Thanks!

Let him know that if ever there is a fall out due to stress, it will be with him and not the program. He will go with the flow

I have not begun my program yet. I expect it will be like all other life changes my spouse and I have weathered so far. A little tough till both of us find the balance. Maybe we will battle on the Wii and the winner gets their way ....... I would suck at couple counseling .

 

[Thrak]

I've been married for almost four years. I'm finishing my first year in a Social PhD program.

Overall, I'd say me being in a PhD program has been a net positive for our marriage. We live in different (nearby) states, so I tend to come home every other weekend, but it's not impossible to drive over, stay one night, and come back the next morning, midweek.

My wife just started work last fall as a corporate attorney, so she's very busy most of the time anyway. When we're together, we may just be having takeout between sessions of me studying and her working (including on weekends). Both of us are career-driven, so the relationship works.

If you have a family that accepts the idea that "school comes first" then things tend to go a bit smoother. My wife appreciates the demands that grad school can place on a person, just as I accepted it for her when she was in law school. It also helps that there are no children in the picture

It's also good if your spouse can share your enthusiasm about being a grad student and what you're studying/researching. If psych bores them, you lose a potential shared interest. I like the law and my wife likes psychology, so we can both "talk shop" without the other one's eyes glazing over. This definitely helps!

 

[Jon4PsyD]

I'm not entering my program until September but I have been in graduate school for the last 2 years. The most difficult part has been financial. You just wish at times that you were out working, making money, and able to just..well, start LIFE.

But my partner of 7 years and I have found a nice balance. I am also fortunate to have a partner who is younger than me with some academic versatility (able to transfer from a community college here to a 4-year university in the area where I will be studying/moving).

You have to have that balance too. Make time to go out with friends every now and then, have a meal-a-day together, and a date once a week or once every two weeks. A vacation once or twice a year....

Jon

 

[CheetahGirl]

Just as you make time for your school work, you will become flooded by the intensity...so you have to make time for your partner. And together, you both have to look for the lights at the end of the tunnel.

Although my husband is very supportive, it's been tough on my marriage (and we have kids, so that adds to it) and will continue to be challenging until I finish. My major premise is that we're both putting in all this energy for the greater good of our family, so let's make it work. Also, we have a strong foundation, so we manage to come to some compromise when our arguments are mere displacement of other issues. We usually work things out and when we can't, we agree to disagree.

We enjoy whatever "dates" we carve out, and spend quality time on the weekends, breaks, and holidays. And email is a great way to communicate with your partner. I appreciate sending and receiving "love emails."

P.S. I've been married for 10 years and in the 2nd year of PhD clinical psych.

 

[psychmama]

Grad school has been a challenge to my marriage, but I believe most of this is due to having three children. When I was working all the time as a junior attorney, I knew that whatever time I'd be arriving home -- even 10pm, there would be someone to hang out with, have a late dinner with, etc. With kids that sort of thing is yesterday's news. Schedules are important for families to run, and I say this as someone who absolutely used to hate schedules of any sort!

What I do is reserve weekends for my husband and children. Except for maybe returning some emails or doing some reading on a late Sunday night, I don't pick up a book or think about grad school (okay, I THINK about it, but that's it).

I agree with the person who said that date nights and vacations (even short ones) are a must! This too is harder with kids, but even more important IMHO.

Email had been good for staying in touch -- just a short text or email to someone you love is a way of keeping the emotional connection going.

 

[Eruca]

..been married nearly 7 years (with partner for 11+ years) and off to internship in June, with my husband (we're not the long distance type). The past 5 years has really been a range of emotions for us both. He is extremely supportive. But I think it can be hard for him to feel that he can't take any career risks himself, because I don't make enough money to support us. He's not in academia, so it can at times be a stretch for him to really empathize with the pressures of it all. 5-6 years is a long time to put up with our grad lives!

I have felt VERY fortunate to be married while in grad school. I live a fairly comfortable lifestyle (because of dual income), and I always have my best friend around when I just want to veg out. The catch though, is sometimes I feel like holing myself up and dealing with the stress by cranking out whatever needs to be done, and that can leave my poor fella out in the cold. So, that's something I've had to be mindful of. *check in to make sure your partner's needs are being met.

Finding ways to stay connected or reconnect seems to be key. As discussed above - the best ways for us to do this are dinners out and vacations. We take at least 2 vacations a year. A great option is a quick weekend getaway to a cabin or something.

I think it all depends on how solid your relationship is, and that you keep it a priority. Also the flexibility of your partner. In my case, my husband was SO excited for our move out of state for my grad program, and is again really excited for our move to another state for internship. I don't think this is the case for everyone...