In need of advice

jesse14

jesse14

Senior Member
10+ Year Member
7+ Year Member
Dec 29, 2004
263
1
33
Toronto
Status
DPT / OTD
Here is my situation:

Me and my g/f have been together for 4 months now. I'm moving to a new city to do my masters in about 2-3 months. My g/f is probably the sweetest girl you could meet. She's super nice, always caring, and very helpful in every way. However, I find myself disconnecting from her physically and emotionaly. I know how great she is, but I can't bring myself to put as much effort as I should in the relationship. Maybe it's because I know i'm moving away soon and that i'm not sure we can sustain a long distance relationship? I feel really bad about this and i'm not sure what to do. I've told her that I know I need to put more effort into the relationship, yet I just can't bring myself to do it. She likes me very much and just wants us to be happy. I know i'm hurting her as well.

Any ideas or advice?
 
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veggie lee

10+ Year Member
Jul 8, 2007
6
0
Erie, PA
Status
Non-Student
I personally wouldn't put too much pressure on yourself about this. You have only been dating for 4 mos? That's a relativelly short time. I would say go into it tentatively with the attitude of we'll see how it goes. You obviously can't and shouldn't make her any promises at this point. Also, if you are already checking out physically and emotionally of the relationship than maybe the sparks aren't there. I remember wanting to spend every minute with my husband during that first year and we definitely couldn't take our hands off of eachother. I would examine your feelings for her and if you're still not sure just discuss together wether you're ready for the sacrifice a long distance relationship takes. However, regardless of how NICE she is, if you don't feel like this :biglove: it would probably be courteous to break it off
 
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cactus99

10+ Year Member
May 2, 2008
9
0
Status
Other Health Professions Student
jesse14 said:
Here is my situation:

Me and my g/f have been together for 4 months now. I'm moving to a new city to do my masters in about 2-3 months. My g/f is probably the sweetest girl you could meet. She's super nice, always caring, and very helpful in every way. However, I find myself disconnecting from her physically and emotionaly. I know how great she is, but I can't bring myself to put as much effort as I should in the relationship. Maybe it's because I know i'm moving away soon and that i'm not sure we can sustain a long distance relationship? I feel really bad about this and i'm not sure what to do. I've told her that I know I need to put more effort into the relationship, yet I just can't bring myself to do it. She likes me very much and just wants us to be happy. I know i'm hurting her as well.

Any ideas or advice?
Click to expand...
I agree with the other poster - you need to really feel something strong to even consider an LDR. I am going through a similar situation with someone I've been dating for about 5 months (only past month or so have we been exclusive) and the only reason I'm even considering an LDR is because I have such strong feelings for him. I can't imagine not trying - I will always wonder "what if". If you don't have that strong passion for her, it will definitely make it tougher. Keep in mind that whatever problems you are currently facing in a relatinship will only be magnified once you insert long distance into the equation. My advice is to set clear expectations before you leave and keep communication open - don't make any promises that you don't fully intend to try your hardest at keeping. Best of luck!
 
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Mixster

10+ Year Member
Feb 18, 2008
8
0
Los Angeles
Status
Non-Student
speaking as someone who DID have to talk their significant other into staying in an LDR when he went off to med school, I'd say if you're having doubts, quit now. My sig other and I lasted another 6 months (2.5 years total) after he left, but we had our share of problems, and in the end, i broke up with HIM because i realized he wasn't as committed as i needed him to be in order for us to progress (i was supposed to move to his city). I think i should have known this all along (the commitment thing), and the big sign should have been when i was helping him pack his stuff and i found myself saying "are you SURE you don't want to give long distance a try???". If this girl is all you say she is, she deserves the freedom to find someone who WILL put the effort in. on the other hand, if you are BOTH comfortable keeping things casual, then maybe. although i'm not sure what a casual LDR would look like.
 
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MaddieMay

10+ Year Member
Feb 25, 2008
599
2
Status
Psychology Student
Is there some reason that she can't move with you? I have moved to explorer a relationship, and also was in a situation where a partner moved with me. Although neither of them worked out ultimately, I/he developed independent skills, saw different parts of the country, learned an immeasurable amount of things about myself/himself and in both situations, never regretted moving to find out if the person was a partner for a lifetime.

Moving can be a means to find out if you two are right for each other, but it can also benefit your partner in other ways. I have moved to Iowa City for love, and found that living close to a major university provides an incredible amount of opportunities for me. My relationship is failing, I am afraid, but the opportunities and experience I have gained has made it worth it. First, because I discovered that my partner and I are not right for each other right now. This is invaluable because I will never wonder "what if?" Second, because I have seen and experienced a part of our country that I never would have moved to intentionally.

Being a city girl, I have learned so much about people with small-town ideals, met students from every part of the country, and was afforded job opportunities at the university that bolster my CV.

I guess the question is, is she interested in finding out for sure if you are right for each other, and second and maybe more importantly, is she interested in learning and growing from being exposed to a different part of the country.

With the right attitude, this can be win/win regardless of the outcome.

Talk to her. Find out what her goals are. If she is interested in expanding her understanding of the country/world, there is much to be acquired and learned from moving with you, even if your relationship does not work out.

Best of luck, friend.
 
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