insecurities in reapplying :-/

[luckyducky87]

---

Members do not see this ad.

After months of putting this issue on and off and flipping back and forth, I have decided that I'll reapply to med schools next summer. I think.

I first applied during college in the summer/fall of 2008, and didn't get in. I felt like my application was fairly competitive at the time, everyone around me expected me to surely get in, and so when I didn't, this was a huge shock for me, and something that I took really personally. Then with unfortunate circumstances in my post-college job, this defeat in self-esteem just took a downward spiral. I've also had some family and financial problems in the meantime, and I ended up receiving therapy for some depression issues that are now clearing up.

But even after "having decided" on med schools, I can't help but have doubts about reapplying to med schools. Some of it has to do with logistics of admissions (esp as a re-applicant), and others have to do with the career itself. I feel like I've given this so much thought that I'm not even sure (1) if some of these are insecurities/doubts that all premeds have, (2) if any of this is a red-flag suggesting I shouldn't go into medicine, or (3) if I'm just being ridiculous and I need to step back and calm down in general (I'm a big worrywart). I'd love your input on this, if anyone's going through the same problems, and if so, how you are dealing with it!!!

First let me mention my thoughts on the reapplicant part... I feel like my college admissions didn't go as well as I expected (or any of my peers expected). Then my medical school admissions just didn't go well, again. And not that I live my life the way everyone else expects me to, but it was a huge blow when you hear for months "of course you will get in! if you won't get in, who will?!" and you end up with a pile of rejections/waitlists at the end while everyone keeps asking you "so have you heard back yet?" I'm currently working in a very competitive research lab, and everyone keeps asking me if I've decided what I wanted to do after this research job (med school? grad school? xyz?). I already anticipate and fear the days when everyone's gonna ask me "so have you gotten into med schools?" and all I can tell them is no. The pressure is especially worse for me because I'm working at a top institution where supposedly 90+% of its undergrad premeds get into med schools (I did not graduate from here)...

I am also in a wonderful relationship right now with a guy I love. He's incredibly smart and focused with what he wants to do with his life. He will be applying to graduate programs when I will be applying to medical schools. Without giving so many details, I am fairly certain that he will make it to all the top graduate schools he wants to get into... (and he's gonna be applying to all the top institutions, where I probably don't have a shot) and he's not the kind of person who will make grad school decisions based on where I am going (nor am I that kind of person). I am also fairly certain that I won't have as many options to choose from (if I get into any schools to begin with). I can already say that I am sort of a needy person when it comes to a relationship, and I am really really going to have a tough time if it comes down to a long-distance relationship. The anticipation of this is already making me stressed.

Not only that, the prospect of maintaining a relationship through medical school (and dear god, residency)... time wise. I think I've heard too many horror stories maybe, but everyone keeps telling me that they have no time for anything, they have to memorize thousands of pages of lecture slides, the material is a lot to handle, it will really take *hard* work to maintain something like a relationship, and med school is all about sacrifices in this sense. I'm not sure how true this is in reality if you manage your time well and study efficiently. (I also come across posts on SDN where people break up before starting med schools because they don't see themselves being able to commit...)

Then I also have more long-term concerns... I never realistically thought about this money crap till I became financially independent in the past couple of years. I looked up some financial repayment plans for MD's who come out with the average amount of debt after med school. I just got worried thinking about how much debt I'll be tied with for 10+ years following medical school, and if I'll really have to live a stingy life till I am full of gray hair and too old to enjoy anything.

Lastly, once you actually become a full-fledged physician, does this life-work balancing act get any better? I know it depends on the specialty, and it's already very important for me that I don't pursue a specialty where work hours will engulf me alive... but even then, I don't know how much of active effort it will require to manage life outside work.

--------- medicine is something that does interest me very much as a field, but perhaps not as a lifestyle that makes it incredibly difficult to do anything outside (relationship, family life, hobby, etc). Especially after over a year of being out of school and having a job where I just have to work ~50-55 hr/wk, I guess a lot of this "life sacrifice" thing scares me (more so than it did when I was an undergrad living in my college bubble). But I don't know how much of this is overblown ("it's really not that bad") or if being out of school has made me less motivated/inspired/competitive as I used to be (and I will regain my senses if I do start school)...

 

[CougarMD]

These are all really important concerns. And you may very well hear a lot of "it really isn't that bad"s from this forum. But keep in mind, that only means it really isn't that bad for THEM; it doesn't mean that you will feel the same way.

I think that a lot of people going into professional school (be it med, law, pharmacy, MBA, etc) don't really know what they are getting themselves into, and don't really know what kind of lifestyle they actually want until they have already committed to one. You seem to, and are hesitant to get into a field that (shockingly) can care so little about personal balance and health.

I assume that if you applied in 2008, you have shadowed doctors, worked around them, and seen what they do enough to have a ballpark idea of the lifestyle. It is OK for that not to be the lifestyle for you.

What you seem to be saying is that you have major concerns (debt, relationship health, personal balance, reapplying) but also still have some attachment to the field of medicine.

What you need to decide is what your attachment stems from. Is it because you spent so long working for this and it is hard to let go? Is it still rattling around in there because you want to work in health care, but are worried that the MD lifestyle is not for you? Or is it just normal fear of embarking on something really really huge?

If you do still want to work in a health care field, I encourage you to consider other options without bringing the baggage of the previous attempt at an MD into the picture. It is tempting to think that an RN, PA, PT, or OT is somehow "less" than an MD especially since the pre-med mentality has trained you to think this. But it is not less so much as it is "different" and possibly better for you. It can also open up a lot more options as far as going to "top" schools as you are likely a very qualified applicant

Alternatively, deep seeded doubts may be a sign that health care is not the place for you and that is totally ok!!! The last thing you want to do is get "stuck" in a career where all you do is deal with people while you are not-so-secretly resenting them every single day.

If you do decide to pursue the MD, I hope that you did a post-mortem on your application from last time. Do you know why you didn't get in anywhere? Have you tried to fix those problems? If so, then after being out of school for awhile you may come across as mature and more sure of what you are doing, which many admissions committees seem to like.


Good luck. Pondering your future is a normal and mature thing to do. And you seem to have a lot of self awareness which will get you far.

 

[Musclemass]

I think you're stuck because you're trying to deal with too many unknowns/variables at once. Trust me, that doesn't work, you'll forever be pondering alternatives and going nowhere.

It's your life. Decide what's important TO YOU. Give those choices top priority and they will get accomplished. Other things given lower priority will be sacrificed and left behind. Simple as that.

I've gotta say, notwithstanding how wonderful you think your relationship is, if both of you plan to apply to schools without regard to the geography of where the other may be, that's not a setup for a long distance relationship, but rather for the end of the current relationship. And if it's clear to you that you come before your partner in your own mind, and he before you in his, your relationship is not worth preserving.

 

[barcoderider]

The few times I had doubts like these (and I think most of us have had them) I coincidentally had an amazing experience volunteering in the ER or shadowing that made me realize, with certainty, wow, I have to do this.

Right now it sounds like you're not that into going to medical school. Maybe you need to get back into the medical community somehow?

If you do decide to reapply though, you need to figure out why you didn't get in the first time. Good luck!

 

[WeAreNotRobots]

hey there,
i'm wondering how much of your hesitance/insecurities simply stem from the fact that you applied and were rejected. there can naturally be some degree of uncertainty in making such huge life-determining decisions, which is fine, but you shouldn't group these feelings with the feelings that come from people saying "no" to your dreams. it's a huge blow to your confidence. if medicine is still your dream, then there's no shame in improving your app and applying a second time. if you're rejected again, then at least you won't think "what if i reapplied?" for the rest of your life.

regarding your relationship and work-life balance: legitimate concerns, but i think this is stuff you gotta figure out for yourself.

good luck.

 

[accidentprone]

I've had an experience that may be relevant to your situation. To make a long story short, my girlfriend in college applied to med school a year before I would have and got in. Although I had taken the MCAT (and done well enough to go anywhere), I decided not to apply because it would introduce all sorts of stress and logistical challenges into our lives. After her first year, we got married and I found a research job at the med school where she was attending. Now that her residency is over, I've taken MCAT again and have finally applied.

If your relationship is highly important to both of you, perhaps you could put off med school a while. It'll give you time to reflect on the direction you want to take your life, explore interests, gain self confidence, etc. If you decide that medicine is truly what you want, then you'll also find a new sense of focus that will help you reapply as a stronger candidate.

It sounds like your boyfriend will be studying at an institution that could offer you some good opportunities for health-related research or clinical work if you decide to follow him. You could build connections with doctors and medical scientists who in turn may be able to open doors to you attending that med school or at least write solid LORs for you if you decide to reapply. Or maybe the exposure to medicine will convince you that it's not the direction you want to go. Either way, you'll be better for the experience.

Everyone has their own path to take, and you shouldn't feel rushed to apply to med school if you're not certain about it. I don't know of anyone who thinks they should have applied to med school sooner, but I do know some people who wished they had spent some time doing different things after college before applying. I also don't think waiting several years will hurt your chances. If anything, schools seem to prefer applicants with a few years of life experiences after college.

Initially I chose the relationship over med school, and I didn't know how it would turn out back then, but if all goes well in about a week, I might just have both.

 

[Garb]

Dude you waited like..6+ years? Wow, I couldn't do that.