Intense fears about committing to medical school: need advice
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for the most part, i think women have it easy, but when it comes to balancing career and family, that's when i'm glad i'm not a woman.
i'm not quite in the medical field yet, but i've seen plenty of bias against women and career and family. i'm working on a PhD in immunology and there used to be a post-doc who was somewhat struggling in the lab. some other faculty members response to her was that she'll never make a great scientist cause she's got kids... despite the fact that she was one of the smartest people in the lab.
so no matter what field, women have it tough. society has it that somehow guys can just sow their seed and the actual raising the family is on the women's shoulders. but know this... you will be asked during your med school interview how you expect to balance raising a family and the stress/hardship of going through medical school/residency/etc... especially when you go to medical school at your age. personally, i don't think your answer of working half time as a doctor is the "right" answer. i also think that all the hard work you'll put in getting your MD is not worth it to only work as a half-time.
you'll have to really figure out why you want to get a MD. if you want to help people, do charity work or become a nurse (no disrespect to nurses... but nursing school isn't medical school) or work at a community center or something.
but if you really want to do MD... there's plenty of women out there who have paved the way for you in terms of raising a family and getting a MD. just meet a guy who isn't a pompous bastard and who will do his part in raising the family and you should have it a bit easier...
just my two cents.
i'm not quite in the medical field yet, but i've seen plenty of bias against women and career and family. i'm working on a PhD in immunology and there used to be a post-doc who was somewhat struggling in the lab. some other faculty members response to her was that she'll never make a great scientist cause she's got kids... despite the fact that she was one of the smartest people in the lab.
so no matter what field, women have it tough. society has it that somehow guys can just sow their seed and the actual raising the family is on the women's shoulders. but know this... you will be asked during your med school interview how you expect to balance raising a family and the stress/hardship of going through medical school/residency/etc... especially when you go to medical school at your age. personally, i don't think your answer of working half time as a doctor is the "right" answer. i also think that all the hard work you'll put in getting your MD is not worth it to only work as a half-time.
you'll have to really figure out why you want to get a MD. if you want to help people, do charity work or become a nurse (no disrespect to nurses... but nursing school isn't medical school) or work at a community center or something.
but if you really want to do MD... there's plenty of women out there who have paved the way for you in terms of raising a family and getting a MD. just meet a guy who isn't a pompous bastard and who will do his part in raising the family and you should have it a bit easier...
just my two cents.
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As a personal trainer and athlete, I can assure you that there are (natural) ways for a woman to stay hot as she ages. Hit that spin bike!
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No opinions on your overall situation, but be aware the first time that you're going to be able to work part time you'll be 37: 28 + 4 years medical school + 3 years residency + 4 years debt repayment. Also up to 33 you'll be working not just full time, but really dawn till dusk. And that's if you go into IM, everything else has a longer residency. I think this part of your plan will probably have to go.
Lots of women have kids in their 30s and lots of women work full time while they have kids, though, so you can definitely do Medicine and have a family.
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Oy.
Half of medical students/residents are women in their child-bearing years. There aren't a lot of med schools or residency programs that haven't figured out a "family friendly" strategy yet. You'd have to work really hard to find a med school class that doesn't have some pregnancies and some parents of young children in it. You'd be surprised how many med schools have established a 5 year program, usually called "decelerated." You'd be surprised how many men are taking advantage of it to be with their families too.
There are a lot of opportunities to work part time that didn't used to exist. You can find locum tenens all over the place (that's what they call temping for docs). If you work as a hospitalist or in EM, you can find gigs where you work 10 shifts per month for $200k.
If you want to work part time then you need to avoid debt. That means you'd better get into a cheap state school (MD or DO). If you live in Texas that helps.
Free help in the form of your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, mom/dad-in-law, sisters, brothers etc. is going to make or break you once the babies arrive. Even if you can't stand them, you need them.
I have nothing to offer to help you find a husband. Find me one while you're at it.
Lastly, here's a blog by a gas resident who found her husband during med school, and they have a young kid: http://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com.
Half of medical students/residents are women in their child-bearing years. There aren't a lot of med schools or residency programs that haven't figured out a "family friendly" strategy yet. You'd have to work really hard to find a med school class that doesn't have some pregnancies and some parents of young children in it. You'd be surprised how many med schools have established a 5 year program, usually called "decelerated." You'd be surprised how many men are taking advantage of it to be with their families too.
There are a lot of opportunities to work part time that didn't used to exist. You can find locum tenens all over the place (that's what they call temping for docs). If you work as a hospitalist or in EM, you can find gigs where you work 10 shifts per month for $200k.
If you want to work part time then you need to avoid debt. That means you'd better get into a cheap state school (MD or DO). If you live in Texas that helps.
Free help in the form of your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, mom/dad-in-law, sisters, brothers etc. is going to make or break you once the babies arrive. Even if you can't stand them, you need them.
I have nothing to offer to help you find a husband. Find me one while you're at it.
Lastly, here's a blog by a gas resident who found her husband during med school, and they have a young kid: http://theunderweardrawer.blogspot.com.
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Well, it's a question of how badly you want this. Like others have mentioned, why do you actually want to go to medical school? Is it because you would love to work in healthcare and just can't see yourself working in any capacity other than as a physician? Or can you see yourself being satisfied in other ways, such as being a PA, or going into nursing? (Or even through other means, such as volunteering in your spare time, while staying home and raising kids.)
The "working part-time" idea probably is doable if you go into the right specialty (and work really really hard to get to that point). But personally... that's just a damn lot of work you're committing to to get to that point- and I really don't think it's worth it to work so hard, just to get to that point and yet only work part-time. That's a personal decision, though, but part of what drives me is the knowledge that, I can give this process my all, but there will be a great pay-off at the end of that... and I intend to pursue that career full throttle and go as far as my abilities will allow me to go.
It would just be so not worth it to me to work so hard to get through medical school, do well, etc., and then end up not using that knowledge half the time... or worse, not using it at all. Again, while I realize that's an entirely personal decision, it just seems like such a waste for women to obtain graduate education, and later on, choose to not use it at all by being stay at home moms. Not only a waste in terms of their own time/energy/$, but a waste in terms of the educational institution's space/time/$. Not to mention the fact that such choices add to the stigma against women... "why should we admit/employ this person if they're just going to bail out later?" It's just unfortunate all around.
But in the end, as unfortunate as that scenario is, it's entirely possible to do just that- get yourself a medical education, get into a lifestyle specialty, and work part-time, while raising a family. If that's what you want to do, be heartened that many before you have taken exactly that path. Actually, my ex-bf's parents are both doctors (mom's an oncologist, dad's in IM)- and he has three other siblings. Clearly, her medical career has not gotten in the way of having a family. Anyway, oncology is not even really a lifestyle specialty and she's doing fine.
As for the age/gender thing... I'll be around that same age if/when I enter medical school. While I have family members that voice their concerns about the whole "having a family" issue, that really isn't a concern of mine. I figure, I'll meet a guy (or I won't)... so much of it is chance. Anyway, medical school will probably be a good place to meet interesting, intelligent people, in much the same way college provided a lot of opportunities to form enduring relationships (both romantic and non).
There are plenty of single guys entering into medical school at about that age too... I doubt many of them really have the same concerns about "oh no, will I have time for marriage/kids if I'm in medical school?" No, if anything, they probably assume that becoming a doctor ensures success in that arena. As long as the guy in the relationship pulls his own weight, I think it's entirely possible for a woman to "have it all"... Sometimes I think the real problem is women who *expect* to do most of the work domestically, and feel guilty if they aren't doing most of the work.
Anyway, that's getting a bit off-topic and I suppose a lot of women don't share my feminist expectations 😉 And ultimately, maybe that's irrelevant. I guess what's really crucial here is drive.
How much do you really want this if, as you said, "a career can only be so fulfilling to me"? Maybe that sounds a bit harsh... but at some point during the application process, you're going to get confronted by this in very ugly ways.
To get through all that, I would think you would need to be quite driven. And that drive doesn't necessarily have to come from the idealistic desire to become the best surgeon possible, or to delve into research and save lives. That drive could be that you want to do something you like that also provides financial security and a better life for your future family.
Whatever you have in mind, as long as you're willing to work hard enough to achieve it... that vision can become reality. Of course, if what you have in mind is more of the latter, you might want to keep that vision to yourself during the application process
Just trying to be honest here... If your number one priority is getting married and having a family, perhaps the whole process of medical school isn't going to be worth it for you.
Would you be happy if you were in a happy marriage, had lovely kids, and stayed at home taking care of them? If the answer is yes, why put yourself through 7+ years of schooling that doesn't contribute to what would make you most happy?
I would think if there isn't a real strong answer to that question, it would be hard to find the motivation to go for medical school, much less do the work once in it.
The "working part-time" idea probably is doable if you go into the right specialty (and work really really hard to get to that point). But personally... that's just a damn lot of work you're committing to to get to that point- and I really don't think it's worth it to work so hard, just to get to that point and yet only work part-time. That's a personal decision, though, but part of what drives me is the knowledge that, I can give this process my all, but there will be a great pay-off at the end of that... and I intend to pursue that career full throttle and go as far as my abilities will allow me to go.
It would just be so not worth it to me to work so hard to get through medical school, do well, etc., and then end up not using that knowledge half the time... or worse, not using it at all. Again, while I realize that's an entirely personal decision, it just seems like such a waste for women to obtain graduate education, and later on, choose to not use it at all by being stay at home moms. Not only a waste in terms of their own time/energy/$, but a waste in terms of the educational institution's space/time/$. Not to mention the fact that such choices add to the stigma against women... "why should we admit/employ this person if they're just going to bail out later?" It's just unfortunate all around.
But in the end, as unfortunate as that scenario is, it's entirely possible to do just that- get yourself a medical education, get into a lifestyle specialty, and work part-time, while raising a family. If that's what you want to do, be heartened that many before you have taken exactly that path. Actually, my ex-bf's parents are both doctors (mom's an oncologist, dad's in IM)- and he has three other siblings. Clearly, her medical career has not gotten in the way of having a family. Anyway, oncology is not even really a lifestyle specialty and she's doing fine.
As for the age/gender thing... I'll be around that same age if/when I enter medical school. While I have family members that voice their concerns about the whole "having a family" issue, that really isn't a concern of mine. I figure, I'll meet a guy (or I won't)... so much of it is chance. Anyway, medical school will probably be a good place to meet interesting, intelligent people, in much the same way college provided a lot of opportunities to form enduring relationships (both romantic and non).
There are plenty of single guys entering into medical school at about that age too... I doubt many of them really have the same concerns about "oh no, will I have time for marriage/kids if I'm in medical school?" No, if anything, they probably assume that becoming a doctor ensures success in that arena. As long as the guy in the relationship pulls his own weight, I think it's entirely possible for a woman to "have it all"... Sometimes I think the real problem is women who *expect* to do most of the work domestically, and feel guilty if they aren't doing most of the work.
Anyway, that's getting a bit off-topic and I suppose a lot of women don't share my feminist expectations 😉 And ultimately, maybe that's irrelevant. I guess what's really crucial here is drive.
How much do you really want this if, as you said, "a career can only be so fulfilling to me"? Maybe that sounds a bit harsh... but at some point during the application process, you're going to get confronted by this in very ugly ways.
To get through all that, I would think you would need to be quite driven. And that drive doesn't necessarily have to come from the idealistic desire to become the best surgeon possible, or to delve into research and save lives. That drive could be that you want to do something you like that also provides financial security and a better life for your future family.
Whatever you have in mind, as long as you're willing to work hard enough to achieve it... that vision can become reality. Of course, if what you have in mind is more of the latter, you might want to keep that vision to yourself during the application process
Just trying to be honest here... If your number one priority is getting married and having a family, perhaps the whole process of medical school isn't going to be worth it for you.
Would you be happy if you were in a happy marriage, had lovely kids, and stayed at home taking care of them? If the answer is yes, why put yourself through 7+ years of schooling that doesn't contribute to what would make you most happy?
I would think if there isn't a real strong answer to that question, it would be hard to find the motivation to go for medical school, much less do the work once in it.
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I think you have a lot of valid concerns. There are certainly women who accomplish all that you want to do, gracefully and happily, and part-time (easier if you have the $$ to avoid loans). Many, many women are single parents, even, but it is not an easy life.
You can almost certainly get into med school somewhere, and you can almost certainly become a doctor. Although premeds often focus on getting into school, that's not the hard part. The hard part is finding the balance years down the road. Medicine is generally not a forgiving partner; it asks a lot. Certainly once you get past residency there's more flexibility, but that's a long way away, with little or no flexibility in the meantime.
I'm a fourth-year med student, interviewing for residency positions, trying to balance my interests with my partner's job situation, and looking ahead to a few years of hard work that will take their toll on a relationship that's already been pushed to near its limit. My partner says he never really realized how all-consuming my work would be. I come home at night exhausted and I want to talk about my work; that's the last thing he wants to hear about.
There are much easier ways to earn a good living, balance one's life, and be of service in the community. If I were you, I would look into some other options before deciding that med school is the way. You have to really, really want it, and you will need very strong motivation to carry you through the challenges ahead.
You can almost certainly get into med school somewhere, and you can almost certainly become a doctor. Although premeds often focus on getting into school, that's not the hard part. The hard part is finding the balance years down the road. Medicine is generally not a forgiving partner; it asks a lot. Certainly once you get past residency there's more flexibility, but that's a long way away, with little or no flexibility in the meantime.
I'm a fourth-year med student, interviewing for residency positions, trying to balance my interests with my partner's job situation, and looking ahead to a few years of hard work that will take their toll on a relationship that's already been pushed to near its limit. My partner says he never really realized how all-consuming my work would be. I come home at night exhausted and I want to talk about my work; that's the last thing he wants to hear about.
There are much easier ways to earn a good living, balance one's life, and be of service in the community. If I were you, I would look into some other options before deciding that med school is the way. You have to really, really want it, and you will need very strong motivation to carry you through the challenges ahead.
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Forgive me if I read this wrong... but the takehome message that I got was that you wanted to go to med school to meet a mate. Would you "settle" for another pre-med student...and then worry about the divorce stats? What "pool" did you hope to "dip your toe" before you settle? Will you be overtaxed-yes. Will you be fulfilled (professionally)?-once you find your niche, anecdotal evidence from SDN suggests yes. Anything over the professional (i.e. the personal) is really a guessing game (even in a non-trad forum).
That said-go with your gut. If you really want to be a doctor-you will know. I suspect that once you become a good doctor, then the other apsects will follow.
Good luck!
You read that wrong, there is no ulterior motive. To clarify, I'm afraid that going to med school would hinder my ability to meet a mate...not somehow enhance it.
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I wonder how many doctor-doctor relationships split, effectively doubling the perceived divorce rate. I've seen the same phenomenon with lawyers. But, I haven't looked at the stats to figure out if that's a significant factor or not. Anyway, following my theory, they couple during the 'good times' in school and then split for some reason or another. Of course, the career demands don't help any relationship.
Couldn't figure that being a doctor would hinder the hunt other than that you'll probably be very busy, working late nights and so on.
Couldn't figure that being a doctor would hinder the hunt other than that you'll probably be very busy, working late nights and so on.
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I think you should worry about what you CAN control. If you want this career, go for it.
To try to fit something in that isn't even definite will drive you crazy not to mention turn off people. I think being dead set on forcing a serious relationship/marriage is doing yourself a disservice. You're likely to hold on for dear life as soon as you meet anyone that wants to go out with you (I can say this because at a point in my life I was like this too) and thus selling yourself short of taking the time to meet the right person. Also, I think this can lead to the whole codependent dynamic as well, which isn't healthy.
Figure out what you want for yourself. You will always be you, so what's important is getting into the career that you want (this may or may not be medicine). When you're secure with yourself and doing well, you will meet the right person (when you're not looking) and things will fall into place. You should cross the "family and children" bridge when you come to it.
To try to fit something in that isn't even definite will drive you crazy not to mention turn off people. I think being dead set on forcing a serious relationship/marriage is doing yourself a disservice. You're likely to hold on for dear life as soon as you meet anyone that wants to go out with you (I can say this because at a point in my life I was like this too) and thus selling yourself short of taking the time to meet the right person. Also, I think this can lead to the whole codependent dynamic as well, which isn't healthy.
Figure out what you want for yourself. You will always be you, so what's important is getting into the career that you want (this may or may not be medicine). When you're secure with yourself and doing well, you will meet the right person (when you're not looking) and things will fall into place. You should cross the "family and children" bridge when you come to it.
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Eegads, OP! I'm 33, single, and will be entering medical school this year. I like to think that what's meant to be, will be. I'm going with my passion for medicine, and hoping that everything else will fit in where it can and/or I'll make some decisions about the field I'll be going into a few years down the road in order to balance things if need be.
Depends. I can tell you that there are many single female attorneys (my friends, and myself included) that find being a successful lawyer can intimidate guys in general, and can make things a little more difficult. Perhaps being a doctor would do the same thing (although if you're in debt and not living high on the hog for a long time, it might not have the same effect). But there are always guys who are confident enough not to be bothered by it, or guys who are also professionals and think it's great.
Anyway, in the scheme of things, this is all academic. None of us are doing this to enhance ourselves for a mate. The time, effort and money involved would be insane.
Depends. I can tell you that there are many single female attorneys (my friends, and myself included) that find being a successful lawyer can intimidate guys in general, and can make things a little more difficult. Perhaps being a doctor would do the same thing (although if you're in debt and not living high on the hog for a long time, it might not have the same effect). But there are always guys who are confident enough not to be bothered by it, or guys who are also professionals and think it's great.
Anyway, in the scheme of things, this is all academic. None of us are doing this to enhance ourselves for a mate. The time, effort and money involved would be insane.
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It sounds like med school isn't exactly high up on your list of priorities. If your primary goal is to land a "quality" husband and raise a family, then yes, med school will somewhat diminish your chances of doing that. Then again, having that as your primary goal also tends to diminish your chances. Nothing attracts a man like a woman who's desperate to settle down and have babies.
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I totally understand where you are coming from. I didn't (and still don't) think of myself as a career-oriented person, but at the same time, I can be deeply frustrated if my job doesn't challenge me. For many reasons I put off med school, and among the top ones was the thought that it would be harder to have a family. Well here I am, at 32, and applying for the fall. It finally came to me that waiting longer wasn't helping me find a partner. While I will be unhappy if I don't have a family, I will be REALLY unhappy if I don't have a family AND don't have a satisfying career.
You can only do so much to find your mate. It will happen or not and you just have to have a little faith. People DO get married in med school. People DO have kids in med school. Going to med school will not prevent you from getting married just as NOT going to med school is not going to ensure you get married!
As far as life concerns, and how dedicated you are to medicine, that I can't answer. I do know there are some good jobs out there. My roommate went for rehabilitative medicine because he will be able to keep regular hours. OTOH, emergency medicine can be good because while the hours are odd, they are actually among the fewest of any specialty.
If you want this, you can do it. Don't wait for your dreamboat to decide for you!
You can only do so much to find your mate. It will happen or not and you just have to have a little faith. People DO get married in med school. People DO have kids in med school. Going to med school will not prevent you from getting married just as NOT going to med school is not going to ensure you get married!
As far as life concerns, and how dedicated you are to medicine, that I can't answer. I do know there are some good jobs out there. My roommate went for rehabilitative medicine because he will be able to keep regular hours. OTOH, emergency medicine can be good because while the hours are odd, they are actually among the fewest of any specialty.
If you want this, you can do it. Don't wait for your dreamboat to decide for you!
You need to ask yourself--if you only want to work part time as a physician... are you sure you have the passion and commitment to be successful in this field? This is a question only you can answer. Medicine is not a full time occupation; it's a 24x7 immersion for 7-9 years of your life. At the end you will emerge a fully trained physician with all sorts of "part time" options available to you... but is this really what you want to do with your life?
You might want to consider some of the less demanding alternatives such as nursing, NP, and PA, all of which are highly paid and flexible careers that require much less schooling. You can be out there earning a nice salary with a mom-friendly lifestyle after only 3-4 years of training.
There are plenty of females getting married and having children while in medical school. A friend of mine fell in love with a male nurse and they're now engaged. My sister-in-law had two baby boys during medical school. They are flexible about such things; you can take time off. It's not like 50 years ago when it was mostly a man's profession, and the few females in the field basically sacrificed the family. So you shouldn't give up all hope of having both.
Good luck whatever you decide!
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This may be true with med schools (my school has been great), but I don't think this applies in such a broad manner to residencies.
In most residencies the "family friendly" strategy isn't very. I am in the process of trying to decide whether to pursue a residency or a non-clinical career and have spent a lot of time talking to residency directors in 3 different clinical areas. All are supportive of families in theory but have limitations on the amount of flexibility they can provide. Many programs rely on a few people to cover the service. So if one person is not available for call, others will have to carry an extra burden. Also, the pro-family message may not be embraced by every attending. A good friend of mine is a PGY2 with 2 small kids and dies every time she works with certain attendings because they will keep her at the hospital forever on trivial matters (e.g., extemporaneous lectures on the history of medicine). She believes this occurs in part because these MDs think spending gobs of time, even on noncrucial matters, in part of the pain that is residency. I've also met attendings on rotation who are clear about their beliefs that residency is not, should not, and will never be "family friendly". If I do a residency, I hope I don't end up unwittingly working with these folks because I doubt they will indicate this belief fully in interviews.
Some areas and some programs are better than others, of course. But for many I think its a very rough road.
F
finaaqua
study hard, get good grades, rock the MCAT, good ec's= you will get into a med school
the chances of you finding "the one" in the same amount of time it would take for you to finish premed are a bit iffier.
i've been with my boyfriend since 1996- i'm 30 now and we are BOTH applying to med school after having gone through two different careers and another graduate program and approximately 2.5 years of post-bacc classes--- as one of my friends says-- if you can think of anything else you want to do with your life, then choose that b/c there are easier professional paths.
