Dear HopelessMS,
I don't know how your residency applications are going or if you already matched but I wanted to share my story/perspective if you still want and also wanted to let you know you are not alone. This is a fairly long post, I've tried to be concise as I can, please bear with me.
I have a parent (81 yo) who now requires nearly full-time caregiving due to a lot of issues that came up last year when he was away in his country. He would often go months at a time (alone) between the US and that country and the last time he went was nearly fatal for him. He came back in an emergency situation and was immediately hospitalized for months to recover from a traumatic accident. He then went into an SNF for some time. We couldn't afford to keep him there long term and my mom refuses to "spend down" her money on nursing home care so that he could move into the nursing home and she is afraid that will have to put her house up for collateral. My mom and I decided we would be the main caregivers (she is a nurse and I took a year off of medical school) but that quickly just ended up being me caring for my dad 24/7 because my mom works a lot (plus there are marital problems I won't even get into). My siblings don't live at home, they live out of state and none of them were willing to take on any caregiver type of roles so it's really felt like just me and my dad at this point. For the first couple of weeks, I was losing a lot of sleep and did everything for my dad. He was bedridden, incontinent, and NPO. He had constipation issues despite being fed through a tube. He had a vent for night-time use which he rarely tolerated. He needed G-tube care, tracheostomy care, turning, changing, etc. He was weak and losing weight and at risk for falls.
After months of working with therapists, doctors, social workers, and nurses at home and in facilities, my dad is doing much better physically, he is closer to getting his trach and G-tube out, he is off the vent, he can walk on his own with a walker or maneuver wheelchair etc on his own. I'm not as worried about leaving him alone for more than a few minutes and not as worried that he will fall. However there are permanent neurologic changes to his cognition, his personality, memory and he's not fully oriented to time and place (moreso place). While it is rewarding to be his caregiver, I'm still a medical student and I know that either I will have to leave medicine for now or I will need a lot of help when I do return. My dad doesn't qualify for Medicaid solely based on my mom's income and they're still married, unfortunately. My medical school is not in the same state as the house where they live and I am currently taking a year off to deal with all this but I know a major decision is imminent about where this is headed.
My dad started out showing signs similar to what you describe long before this year. Though the real reason this all happened is because of a medical condition that I learned about during the start of the pandemic. I am not saying anything similar would happen to your parent but something I wish I had been better at before he wound up in such a dependent position was asking for help early to get my dad into a sustainable living situation that could maximize his independence and getting him culturally competent care and providers who he felt compatible with to listen to them. I had looked into assisted living facilities before I went away to medical school and it was one of the things I wanted to get my dad into but I wasn't able to follow through on it and convince him to get his own place in the US (he would rather live alone in his other country and every time he kept saying he would not come back). Every state has some sort of Office for Aging and they know all of the programs in the state that your parent can utilize so that they can get help -- there are programs for those who don't qualify for Medicaid but still may qualify as "low income."
Most importantly, have an honest conversation with your parent about all the medical and health stuff now, power of attorneys, end-of-life care/wishes, what should happen if they need more care than you can provide, etc so that you are not struggling to make ends meet or guess what their wishes would be when they do end up in a dire situation. Had we done that I don't think my father would have suffered as much through all of this. I wish you the very best as you balance this part of your life and know I completely understand what it's like to feel responsible for your parents' wellbeing when you are their only carer.
I hope you are able to get help for your situation, that your parent and their relatives come around, and that you are able to take care of yourself (I know how trite that sounds but we need to hear it). My best to you.
