Living without spouse during internship year

[psycho1391]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone can speak to living away from their spouse or significant other during internship year. I am currently 5.5 hours away from my husband and start on Monday.

Does it get easier?

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[psychlife19]

Not internship but my spouse was in the Army and went on a year long deployment and it sucked ***. I felt like it never got easier and I was a big huge mess. I think towards the end I might have gotten more depressed.
I was personally very against any type of antidepressant (I sort of stigmatized myself. Shouldn’t I be able to treat my own depression with therapy???) but finally started taking one in the last few months of the deployment and ohhhh boy did I wish I started earlier! So I guess one big piece of advice is if you start struggling hardcore, there is no shame in using an antidepressant. It’s better than quickly going downhill and possibly getting consequences at internship because you can’t function.

But other spouses deal with it quite well, they get into a routine and the time passes quickly. It really depends on your personality and if you are able to make friends quickly or utilize other supports.

Being only 5.5 hours away with no restrictions on visits is such a blessing!! Take advantage of it when you can Make sure you go out, keep busy, make friends. Don’t come home and spend all evening calling/texting your spouse!!

 

[psychlife19]

One possible positive is that you feel like you are in the honeymoon stage when you do see your spouse in person. You spend all your time being lovey dovey and things like dishes being left out will seem unimportant.

As opposed to now, since my spouse is no longer in the military. The “dishes being left all over the house” is a constant point of contention haha

 

[irishgoodbye]

Hi,

Yes! My fiancé and I lived 8 hours away for internship, which I just finished end of June. It was definitely challenging at first but we managed to see each other approximately every 2-4 weeks. We only went 4 weeks without seeing each other once. The best advice I have is to try and have the next time you see each other on the calendar. We were able to meet halfway and stay in a hotel pre-covid most often. We both also took a couple Fridays off throughout the year to make the 8 hour trip to see one another and have an extra day together. It’s definitely challenging, but doable!

 

[WisNeuro]

I did a year apart from my spouse, though this was when we were engaged. So, it still worked out. We were about an 18 hour car drive apart, so that was mostly out of the option. We made sure to set aside times for phone and video chats, and we'd schedule movie night dates and such when apart. And, we traded off flying out to see the other every month. It was hard, but it's definitely doable. The flying thing would be harder in pandemic times.

 

[singasongofjoy]

During my last 2 years of wrapping up grad school an internship my husband took a consulting job so he was away much of the time- although he was home on the weekend most of the time which won't be the case for you - but actually I got to where I really liked it. I was much more motivated to be productive when he was gone and then have no work to do on the weekends which was good for my overall productivity and self-satsifaction. Also I really liked the "dishes in the sink not being a big deal" part of that situation too- basically I would jsut scramble to clean the day before he came home- and being able to have people over during the week or go out whenever I liked was sweet- I enjoyed the time to connect more with my cohort and make new friends on my own. Each way has it's perks and drawbacks and as previously mentioned a lot comes down to personality. Hopefully you can embrace the positives and the sense of independent discovery and adventure in your new location, and with it "only" being 5.5. hours you can still see him every few weeks with y'all taking turns to do the driving or meet in the middle at a little bed and breakfast or something. (Maybe there is a train you could take, too, in which case you could work during the travel or just not have to do all that driving?) but yeah also if it is harder for you, don't hesitate to seek some help via therapy and/or meds- internship is short, after all, so you want to make the most of it. I just happened to feel I was able to make the most of it on my own and tbh I kind of miss my husband's travel job sometimes now

 

[BuckeyeLove]

Also I really liked the "dishes in the sink not being a big deal"

So you're one of thoseeeee people lolol.

 

[BuckeyeLove]

Was about 11 hours away from my last sig. other during internship and fellowship. Skyping, seeing each other approx. every 4-6 weeks made it doable. I'm naturally pretty introverted and was an only child, so it really wasn't a big deal to me, was just me and my dog lol.

 

[WisNeuro]

So you're one of thoseeeee people lolol.

Messy people of the world, unite!

 

[singasongofjoy]

So you're one of thoseeeee people lolol.

Oh, that's only the tip of the iceberg!! We actually had to come to an agreement early in our relationship that no matter where we live and how small I have to have my own "space" somewhere where I can be as messy as I want (I mean, not gross dishes, but... stacks of papers and half-finished projects) because he needed somewhere he could throw the things that I left out around the house and then just shut the door.... so you can only imagine the kind of mad scramble I engaged in each Thursday evening before he got back home! But... we can't all be good at everything, so I totally own that I'm a bit of a slob when it comes to leaving things out. ::

 

[BuckeyeLove]

This thread just got me anxious

 

[WisNeuro]

This thread just got me anxious

I do therapy for this, and happen to have an open slot if you'd like.

 

[Sanman]

I did 1.5 yrs long distance with my then gf/now wife during post-doc time. It worked out. The key for us was leaving work at work on the weekends we were together and just being together. In some ways it was easier than that first year living together for me, but that may be different for others. So much easier to clean up every two weeks for a visit, than it was to be clean everyday in the same apartment!

 

[DynamicDidactic]

Good luck. I don’t think it will be easy. I knew one couple that were 5.5 hours away from each other and it was harder than expected. On the brightside, you might realize how strongly attached you are to each other. Good luck with post doc.

 

[borne_before]

I was personally very against any type of antidepressant (I sort of stigmatized myself. Shouldn’t I be able to treat my own depression with therapy???) but finally started taking one in the last few months of the deployment and ohhhh boy did I wish I started earlier!

I too needed a little prozac on my internship. It was a huge stressor/adjustment.

 

[foreverbull]

I did slightly over 2 years of long distance with my spouse in grad school, broken up by a summer together, holidays together, and weekend flights every so often. We were never closer than a 3-
day’s drive away, so flights were the only way to see each other. We took turns flying out to each other on long weekends/holidays and we Skyped daily. It sucked, but we got through it. One of the hardest parts was dropping my spouse off at the airport or vice versa after a long weekend together; it was hard to transition back to not being together so suddenly—felt like a bit of emotional whiplash.

That said, this is much better than the pre-phone days of writing letters and waiting; technology has made it easier to stay connected. I also echo that planning out when you’ll see each other at the start of each semester/6 months really helps, although with covid that really complicates things. Zoom/Skype will be increasingly important. My spouse and I even did movie night where we ate dinner together and watched a movie together on Netflix at the same time while in google hangout or something like that—it helped me to have routines together.

I know a couple that survived SEVEN years of long distance—basically the entirety of grad school they spent apart, and they met up only a few times per year during holidays/summer. I have no idea how that worked (2 years felt like a very long time), but they then got married and started a family, so some relationships can withstand this kind of stress reasonably well.

 

[psycho1391]

Thank you all for your responses. I was planning on starting therapy for adjustment to being away.

Covid makes outings with other interns more difficult. I do plan on socializing with them as I am a more extroverted person.

 

[Newropsych]

I was long distance for all 5 years of grad school with my now spouse. I echo pretty much everything everyone above has said. I think being flexible was a big key to making it work.

For me, the biggest pro —> allowed me to make new friends and learn how to develop a good work/life balance that I might not have done as well if we lived together. The biggest con —> the “emotional whiplash” that [mention]foreverbull [/mention]was talking about is right on point. I definitely don’t regret doing it the way I did it, but my lord it was hard. I knew the short-term sacrifices would lead to long-term gains, so it always gave me something to look forward to.

That said, when I matched locally for postdoc, it was the greatest day!

 

[futureapppsy2]

I was long distance for all 5 years of grad school with my now spouse. I echo pretty much everything everyone above has said. I think being flexible was a big key to making it work.

For me, the biggest pro —> allowed me to make new friends and learn how to develop a good work/life balance that I might not have done as well if we lived together. The biggest con —> the “emotional whiplash” that [mention]foreverbull [/mention]was talking about is right on point. I definitely don’t regret doing it the way I did it, but my lord it was hard. I knew the short-term sacrifices would lead to long-term gains, so it always gave me something to look forward to.

That said, when I matched locally for postdoc, it was the greatest day!

Off-topic, but your avatar is adorable!

 

[psycho1391]

I was long distance for all 5 years of grad school with my now spouse. I echo pretty much everything everyone above has said. I think being flexible was a big key to making it work.

For me, the biggest pro —> allowed me to make new friends and learn how to develop a good work/life balance that I might not have done as well if we lived together. The biggest con —> the “emotional whiplash” that [mention]foreverbull [/mention]was talking about is right on point. I definitely don’t regret doing it the way I did it, but my lord it was hard. I knew the short-term sacrifices would lead to long-term gains, so it always gave me something to look forward to.

That said, when I matched locally for postdoc, it was the greatest day!

I don't think I'm going to even try to do postdoc without the hubs. We'll see. I'm probably catastrophizing.

 

[forensic13]

I was halfway across the country from my spouse for internship year, and it definitely sucked at times. Facetime and other technology makes it easier these days, but COVID made it much harder. We tried to do visits every 2 months or so until the pandemic stopped that. I'm definitely looking forward to living together again!

 

[jtaldrich]

My partner and I were long distance for this year. At first, it wasn't hard because we were used to it from previous times, even after living together for the last 4 years. When COVID hit, it did get harder, as it interrupted our plans for seeing each other and not only did I have the added existential weight of the pandemic and managing internship and my cases, but I didn't have a partner to help me with household things. It was definitely hard, and with five days left I am grateful that it's almost over. However, I will say that I have been SO busy with internship, sometimes it's nice to come home to nice and quiet and be alone.
My general advice: set expectations and a schedule for how you communicate (e.g., I would let my partner know when I had a busy schedule and that way he knew not to expect a lot of communication from me), use your interpersonal effectiveness skills to let your partner know if something isn't working, and be validating of their concerns if they happen.

 

[singasongofjoy]

I love @foreverbull's recommendation of having routines together - e.g., netflix and chill over zoom. Routines together can be really helpful in helping adjust to big changes. It reminded me of an idea my brother in law had a few years ago. He got us all subscriptions to Cooks magazine and we would each pick a dish (him, us, and his parents) and then we would all cook those three dishes for a meal and talk about it while we ate "together." It was actually really fun, and I don't even really like to cook. But it was a way to create a shared experience to talk about.

 

[foreverbull]

I love @foreverbull's recommendation of having routines together - e.g., netflix and chill over zoom.

As an aside, my spouse fairly recently enlightened me about the slang meaning of this phrase (I interpreted it literally and I *ahem* had an “oh ****, did I recommend this as once as a coping skill in therapy without knowing what I was saying!?” moment). But “Netflix and chill“ is also a way some folks can cope with distance, so no judgment if that’s what you recommend! I just thought it was funny.