long distance relationship

[swag123]

hey guys

my girlfriend and i have been in a long distance relationship in college for about 2.5 years now, we're about 1.5 hours apart. i'm graduating this semester (fall 2015) while she's graduating in may 2017 (even though we're in the same "grade" and same age, i was in a program that let me graduate early). i'm starting med school in august of 2016. she's just taken her mcat right now.

my question is : when i go to med school, we'll be 3 hours apart. i know i shouldn't focus on hypothetical situations but i need you guys' advice on this. i do think she's the one i would like to settle down with, but i also want to make sure my career and hers is intact. i also don't think she will be able to handle the stress of me not talking for hours b/c of studying and her ability to handle stress (for the mcat for example this summer) is not very good. i would like to give it a chance, but i also don't want to end it at the wrong time (when she's applying for med school or has interviews for example).

should i talk with her about maybe taking a break until she can possibly get into my med school and when should i ? the upcoming summer? there is also a strong possibility of her taking a gap year, making her 2 "grades" below me (again we were in the same graduating class in high school and all).

thanks for your time.

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[Jlaw]

Long distance relationships don't work unless you have an end game- i.e. "we'll be apart for the next 2 years and then we're moving to the same place and getting married". If she is the one then you need to sit down and get a plan that will let you be together. That may take some sacrifice from both of you..i.e. you take a gap year and she skips hers. I think its going to be very difficult to go through med school separately and stay together, you're going to be too busy to travel to see each other and too stressed over the future to enjoy the time when you get it. Also remember you will probably be moving again for residency, its going to be hard to end up in the same place if you don't do couples match. Are you already accepted to school or are you just hoping to be accepted somewhere close?

 

[sinombre]

There is no right answer here. Some people can handle being in a long distance relationship in medical school, and many people can't. My fiancee and I live about 450 miles apart and have been long distance since I started med school (I'm a third year now). The first two years I had a decent amount of time to visit (I would fly to where she goes to school once every 3 or 4 weeks), and this year it has been much harder.

So, if you're looking for anecdotes, it is definitely possible to stay in a long distance relationship during medical school (especially during the first two years thanks to the advent of podcasting). I am extremely happy I didn't break things off with my now fiancee. We're getting married in the middle of 2016 and then we won't have to deal with distance anymore.

Side note: If either of you have any insecurities in your relationship, the distance and the amount of time you have to spend on school will amplify them--so cognizance of your own imperfections and solid communication skills are extremely important.

 

[sinombre]

Long distance relationships don't work unless you have an end game- i.e. "we'll be apart for the next 2 years and then we're moving to the same place and getting married". If she is the one then you need to sit down and get a plan that will let you be together. That may take some sacrifice from both of you..i.e. you take a gap year and she skips hers.

Definitely agree with this. An end game is necessary.

I think its going to be very difficult to go through med school separately and stay together, you're going to be too busy to travel to see each other and too stressed over the future to enjoy the time when you get it.

Difficult, sure. But you definitely aren't "too busy to travel" assuming you can jump on a direct flight. I drove for 6-7 hours each way more than a handful of times, and listened to lectures or Goljan while driving so I wasn't wasting my time. It's also very easy to study in an airport and on a plane. Living on opposite sides of the country is a different story.

Also remember you will probably be moving again for residency, its going to be hard to end up in the same place if you don't do couples match.

True, but there are many people who successfully match at the same place thanks to the couples match.

 

[fancymylotus]

To reiterate the points above and add my own thoughts, from personal experience-

1) doesnt work if theres not an end in sight/end game
2) sometimes you just need your own space/time and dont necessarily want to see your SO every free nanosecond you get, many people are weirdly not ok with this
3) the above probably stems from a serious lack of maturity and/or some insecurity issues, and aint no one got time for that
4) **** long distance, i just want to snuggle with my doggie and my bf

 

[fancymylotus]

There is no right answer here. Some people can handle being in a long distance relationship in medical school, and many people can't. My fiancee and I live about 450 miles apart and have been long distance since I started med school (I'm a third year now). The first two years I had a decent amount of time to visit (I would fly to where she goes to school once every 3 or 4 weeks), and this year it has been much harder.

So, if you're looking for anecdotes, it is definitely possible to stay in a long distance relationship during medical school (especially during the first two years thanks to the advent of podcasting). I am extremely happy I didn't break things off with my now fiancee. We're getting married in the middle of 2016 and then we won't have to deal with distance anymore.

Side note: If either of you have any insecurities in your relationship, the distance and the amount of time you have to spend on school will amplify them--so cognizance of your own imperfections and solid communication skills are extremely important.

 

[Jlaw]

Definitely agree with this. An end game is necessary.

Difficult, sure. But you definitely aren't "too busy to travel" assuming you can jump on a direct flight. I drove for 6-7 hours each way more than a handful of times, and listened to lectures or Goljan while driving so I wasn't wasting my time. It's also very easy to study in an airport and on a plane. Living on opposite sides of the country is a different story.

True, but there are many people who successfully match at the same place thanks to the couples match.

I guess thats true, there is time to do stuff especially during 1st and 2nd year, but most med students can't afford to spend that money on gas or flights regularly so thats another thing to think of. My comment about matching was because the OP mentioned they were already a year apart and may be 2 years apart depending on her schedule so unless they get back on the same schedule couples match will not be an option and that is going to make ending up in the same place for residency very difficult.

 

[fancymylotus]

I wouldn't have been able to fly around like a crazy person if I wasn't already working. Had we both been students, this would have been damn near impossible

 

[Rajayray2019]

Breaks are kind of a joke. I mean. In any relationship there are two outcomes. You stay together forever, or you don't. Medicine never gets easier. The time suck doesn't really go away, unless you have a cush position. (That's actually a possibility with two physicians in a family unit, and is becoming more and more common). If you really don't think she can handle it...and you really feel like things should end. Do so. but...dragging this out because you don't want to screw with her before the MCAT...that's dirty. I would feel used if I ever found out that you delayed it because you didn't want to potentially compromise my ability to study. If you truly think she's someone you want to settle down with you, at the very least, owe her respect and honesty.

 

[swag123]

Long distance relationships don't work unless you have an end game- i.e. "we'll be apart for the next 2 years and then we're moving to the same place and getting married". If she is the one then you need to sit down and get a plan that will let you be together. That may take some sacrifice from both of you..i.e. you take a gap year and she skips hers. I think its going to be very difficult to go through med school separately and stay together, you're going to be too busy to travel to see each other and too stressed over the future to enjoy the time when you get it. Also remember you will probably be moving again for residency, its going to be hard to end up in the same place if you don't do couples match. Are you already accepted to school or are you just hoping to be accepted somewhere close?

already accepted! i'm starting next fall. i was in a 7 year program!

 

[swag123]

Breaks are kind of a joke. I mean. In any relationship there are two outcomes. You stay together forever, or you don't. Medicine never gets easier. The time suck doesn't really go away, unless you have a cush position. (That's actually a possibility with two physicians in a family unit, and is becoming more and more common). If you really don't think she can handle it...and you really feel like things should end. Do so. but...dragging this out because you don't want to screw with her before the MCAT...that's dirty. I would feel used if I ever found out that you delayed it because you didn't want to potentially compromise my ability to study. If you truly think she's someone you want to settle down with you, at the very least, owe her respect and honesty.

yeah i totally understand what you're saying. her mcat is tomorrow so i wanted to address the situation right after that. it's just something i've been thinking about for the past week so it hasn't been necessarily an ongoing thing.

 

[swag123]

I guess thats true, there is time to do stuff especially during 1st and 2nd year, but most med students can't afford to spend that money on gas or flights regularly so thats another thing to think of. My comment about matching was because the OP mentioned they were already a year apart and may be 2 years apart depending on her schedule so unless they get back on the same schedule couples match will not be an option and that is going to make ending up in the same place for residency very difficult.

yeah i'm not in a position to travel often. i don't have that kind of money and as far as time goes, her school is also pretty demanding as she plans to take up more extracurriculars. i want to try it out, but at the same time i don't want some kind of catastrophe to happen during med school. i'm not sure how to approach this topic, as she is sensitive about it

 

[fancymylotus]

yeah i'm not in a position to travel often. i don't have that kind of money and as far as time goes, her school is also pretty demanding as she plans to take up more extracurriculars. i want to try it out, but at the same time i don't want some kind of catastrophe to happen during med school. i'm not sure how to approach this topic, as she is sensitive about it

If you don't think she can handle the not talking for hours bc you're off in school studying and being busy thing, get out now. You're only going to get busier and you don't want this to spectacularly implode and potentially tank your grades -> career etc.

I promise we're not all pessimistic jerks, but I at least am speaking from experience. It's just not worth it in the long run, and there are many many many fishies in the sea.

 

[swag123]

If you don't think she can handle the not talking for hours bc you're off in school studying and being busy thing, get out now. You're only going to get busier and you don't want this to spectacularly implode and potentially tank your grades -> career etc.

I promise we're not all pessimistic jerks, but I at least am speaking from experience. It's just not worth it in the long run, and there are many many many fishies in the sea.

was your situation similar to mine? it helps if that's the case haha

 

[fancymylotus]

was your situation similar to mine? it helps if that's the case haha

Worse, actually. I was with a dentist during dental school who was this attention hungry constantly needy demanding jerk which made little to no sense because, hello, you went through this and you should know better.

 

[italiancowgirl]

Honestly people are acting like it is relationship OR career. Will it suck sometimes, yes. Will you be frustrated as hell sometimes, yes! Will you be comforted sometimes, I am betting yes! Will she make you smile when you feel like crawling in a hole and hiding from the world, I sure as hell hope so! Only YOU know if she is worth fighting for. Relationships don't have good timing. In life there are things and people worth fighting for, and everything/one else. Medical school is a huge undertaking. Relationships are also work (every day of your life that you are in one this is true). Can you make it work, I don't know. What do YOU think. (no that does not require a paragraph answer. Now is when you get off SDN and talk with her.)