Long Distance Relationships in med school

[rwk66]

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I know this varies by person/school, etc., but a quick hypothetical question - if I were to attend a school that was about a 5 hour drive away from my current home (where my girlfriend lives). Would it be feasible to think that I would have the time to make a trip home one weekend per month, and she would come and visit me one weekend per month? Granted, I would plan on doing *some* studying during those weekends, but would plan on spending a reasonable chunk just being with her.

I'm talking the 1st 2 years here - I think I can swing doing the majority of the 3rd/4th year rotations close to home.

Any insight from those of you who have been through this process would be much appreciated. I know 2 years away would be tough, but I think if time could be spent together at least every other week, we could make it through OK. Thanks.

 

[SarahGM]

Any insight from those of you who have been through this process would be much appreciated. I know 2 years away would be tough, but I think if time could be spent together at least every other week, we could make it through OK. Thanks.

My situation: my boyfriend and I have been in a long distance relationship since we met (he's in VT, I'm in NYC now... although I was once in NC). I realize this makes our situation unique, in that we've never lived in the same location (aside from me spending the summer between MS1 and MS2 with him in VT). Maybe always having been apart makes us better suited to handle distance... I don't know.

It's definitely feasible... but also a test. He and I see each other on average about once every 3 weeks. I'm now a 2nd yr med student. We've been dating since the year before I started med school. I foresee we'll be together when med school is over.

It's really hard to say, because everyone's situation is different. He's the most wonderful person on this planet, and I suspect he might reciprocate the feeling. 🙂 I would be criminally insane to ever let him go.

Basically, I think it comes down to whether or not you two can live without each other. I wish you both the best.

 

[RustNeverSleeps]

I know this varies by person/school, etc., but a quick hypothetical question - if I were to attend a school that was about a 5 hour drive away from my current home (where my girlfriend lives). Would it be feasible to think that I would have the time to make a trip home one weekend per month, and she would come and visit me one weekend per month? Granted, I would plan on doing *some* studying during those weekends, but would plan on spending a reasonable chunk just being with her.

I'm talking the 1st 2 years here - I think I can swing doing the majority of the 3rd/4th year rotations close to home.

Any insight from those of you who have been through this process would be much appreciated. I know 2 years away would be tough, but I think if time could be spent together at least every other week, we could make it through OK. Thanks.

My situation was slightly different, but hopefully it will be helpful in making your decision. When I started med school, my boyfriend was 5-6 hours away by plane. I was generally able to see him 3 times or so per semester. The relationship worked because it already had a good foundation, and we talked on the phone a lot (at least 2 hours per day). He eventually moved closer (2 hours away), and we would see each other at least once or twice per week. Now we live in the same city...and we are engaged! 😍

In a nutshell, I think it is possible to have a successful long distance relationship in med school, but both of you have to be willing to put in the time and effort -- both in terms of visiting each other, but also more everyday things like talking on the phone regularly so you stay involved in each other's lives. (Believe me, for some people this is harder than it sounds once the demands of med school accumulate.) I'm sure this varies according to school, but I would guess that you would be able to visit her once a month (and she could of course visit you as much as she is able, as long as you are willing to put the books aside). Good luck!

 

[SoCuteMD]

I think two weekends a month would be difficult to swing away from studying (unless you could really put in a good 12 hour day one of those weekends). But that's just me - I have to study a lot compared to a lot of my classmates. I started the year with an LDR and it didn't work out (distance was not the reason). I have watched a lot of my classmates succeed. I think it depends on the relationship. Honestly, I wouldn't want to have my SO nearby because I am too easily distracted. A lot of people in my class say that they think long distance is better than short distance (although I wonder if they'd be saying that if their SO was down the road?).

In summary - very possible/doable.

 

[crys20]

I have been doing long distance since my boyfriend went away to med school. He's now in the middle of his third year! So yes, it's doable if you work, and are patient and deal with the problems as they come.

Anyway, my boyfriend was like, the most ultra-intense med school studier you'll probably ever encounter and he was a short plane ride away. 5 hour drive, that's a long time, so i'm gonna equate our situations. Anyway, there was no way we'd ever be able to plan once a month trips. He would just have none of that. Your first year of med, I can say from seeing him (i start in august!) is so intense and you get so freaked out because of the overload of info at first. After a couple months you'll probably get into some kind of a groove but it's not like undergrad where you almost always are in control of the stuff that's gonna be on the test.

That said, we saw each other for a week at Christmas every year, sometimes a weekend at Thanksgiving, a month or so during the summer (your 1st summer will be precious for you guys!), a week at spring break and MAYBE one or two other random weekends during the school year when his workload was i guess lower.

This has worked for us because we know we love each other and the time we spend together is great. We also know that we each have our own agendas when it comes to medicine and we're at different points in that....We also know that the day is coming when we WILL live in the same town and that will be great.

Good luck!

 

[emack]

Hopefully my situation is not applicable, but...

We started going out in high school. For 5 years, we lived near each other but never together. Having started med school this August, I'm now a four-hour drive away. Things are going relatively well-- but maybe too well. I don't want to see my SO any more than this. Med school is a whole new commitment for me, and at this point I am really doubting our plans to eventually live together. One of us would probably end up murdering the other.

I don't know. Maybe it's because we've been together since high school, and I'm getting bored, and I have commitment issues or something.

So, as stated by others, above-- it depends on the relationship and what you feel you need to get out of it at this point. Some important questions:

-If she told you tomorrow that she's going to be able to go with you when you leave for med school, would you: ?
a) jump for joy
b) feel somewhat ambivalent and hope that you'll have enough time for her

-Are you: ?
a) perfectly content keeping in touch by phone & email or
b) happy to keep in touch, but going to feel somewhat deprived of various naughty activities that boys & girls like to do sometimes 😉

-Do you think: ?
a) absence makes the heart grow fonder or
b) absence makes the heart grow forgetful & distracted

-Is your relationship: ?
a) 100% supportive or
b) plagued with a few petty problems that (here's hoping) at least won't be such a big issue when you're hours apart most of the time

-Is your girlfriend: ?
a) totally supportive of your career choice, and also motivated to do her own thing or
b) supportive of your career choice, but might also feel somewhat left out of your new situation & could potentially unintentionally make you feel guilty for not having enough time for her

If you answered mostly a)s, then you should totally try a long-distance relationship.

If you answered mostly b)s, then you are me.

 

[Psycho Doctor]

Hopefully my situation is not applicable, but...

We started going out in high school. For 5 years, we lived near each other but never together. Having started med school this August, I'm now a four-hour drive away. Things are going relatively well-- but maybe too well. I don't want to see my SO any more than this. Med school is a whole new commitment for me, and at this point I am really doubting our plans to eventually live together. One of us would probably end up murdering the other.

I don't know. Maybe it's because we've been together since high school, and I'm getting bored, and I have commitment issues or something.

So, as stated by others, above-- it depends on the relationship and what you feel you need to get out of it at this point. Some important questions:

-If she told you tomorrow that she's going to be able to go with you when you leave for med school, would you: ?
a) jump for joy
b) feel somewhat ambivalent and hope that you'll have enough time for her

-Are you: ?
a) perfectly content keeping in touch by phone & email or
b) happy to keep in touch, but going to feel somewhat deprived of various naughty activities that boys & girls like to do sometimes 😉

-Do you think: ?
a) absence makes the heart grow fonder or
b) absence makes the heart grow forgetful & distracted

-Is your relationship: ?
a) 100% supportive or
b) plagued with a few petty problems that (here's hoping) at least won't be such a big issue when you're hours apart most of the time

-Is your girlfriend: ?
a) totally supportive of your career choice, and also motivated to do her own thing or
b) supportive of your career choice, but might also feel somewhat left out of your new situation & could potentially unintentionally make you feel guilty for not having enough time for her

If you answered mostly a)s, then you should totally try a long-distance relationship.

If you answered mostly b)s, then you are me.

i laughed at your quiz but could honestly understand the feelings.

 

[Wstar5721]

Would it be feasible to think that I would have the time to make a trip home one weekend per month, and she would come and visit me one weekend per month? Granted, I would plan on doing *some* studying during those weekends, but would plan on spending a reasonable chunk just being with her.

I'm in my first year, and BF and I are about a 3.5 hour drive away from each other. Our original plan was like yours - where we would take turns visiting each other and see each other about every other week (and only take the drive once a month), but in the end, we really only see each other every 3-4 weeks to give me more time to study. It is definitely tough though, but we do talk on the phone for a while on most days (save for the days right before exams).

 

[kate88]

I'm a MS-2 dating a 2nd year dental student who lives 9 hours away, so we've been doing the LD thing for the past 2 years. I'm not going to lie, it's pretty tough. Both of us have to make academic and financial sacrafices sometimes in order to see one another (like skipping class on a Friday or Monday and buying $300 plane tickets, for example). But it's totally worth it. I look at it this way: would I rather be in a LD relationship with him, or not have him in my life at all? That puts all the hard parts in perspective for me and makes the decision easy!

In your case, being a reasonable drive away and having a significant other not in medical school, I think it could definitely work. It's a lot easier when one of you has a more flexible schedule to find weekends to see one another. Do you think your SO would drive to see you instead of vice vera as you suggested in your post? That would make it a lot easier on you. A little give and take and willingness to make your personal life a priority is all it takes. Good luck to you 😍

 

[Law2Doc]

I know this varies by person/school, etc., but a quick hypothetical question - if I were to attend a school that was about a 5 hour drive away from my current home (where my girlfriend lives). Would it be feasible to think that I would have the time to make a trip home one weekend per month, and she would come and visit me one weekend per month? Granted, I would plan on doing *some* studying during those weekends, but would plan on spending a reasonable chunk just being with her.

I'm talking the 1st 2 years here - I think I can swing doing the majority of the 3rd/4th year rotations close to home.

Any insight from those of you who have been through this process would be much appreciated. I know 2 years away would be tough, but I think if time could be spent together at least every other week, we could make it through OK. Thanks.

It's somewhat feasable, and some people manage it, but honestly it's not all that likely. The vast majority of long distance relationships fail. If either of you are attractive, you will be tempted by other options. And the timing of visits may not work out to be every other week, so don't count on a reasonably fixed schedule -- you will have many weekends where you have tests the following monday and won't have time even to have someone visit, and for sure not time to travel for 10 hours round trip. It's not like you can have every other weekend totally "off", unless you plan to just barely pass. For that distance, realistically we are talking every third weekend at best.

 

[rwk66]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Kind of a grim outlook, but I figured as much. Being able to see each other every other weekend seemed a little idealistic. Well I appreciate your honesty - at least I know what I'd be getting myself into.

 

[WhatUpDoc!]

If either of you are attractive, you will be tempted by other options.

Now that's just plain wrong

 

[unfrozencaveman]

Now that's just plain wrong

Yes, it should read, "If neither of you are attractive, other 'options' won't be tempted by you, so you hags should stick together at all costs"

 

[SarahGM]

Thanks everyone for your replies. Kind of a grim outlook, but I figured as much. Being able to see each other every other weekend seemed a little idealistic. Well I appreciate your honesty - at least I know what I'd be getting myself into.

If it makes a difference... the only reason that I don't see my boyfriend much more often than every three weeks is because the COST is prohibitive... not because there's too much work. I very rarely study when I'm with my boyfriend. In fact, I make it a point not to. And I'm in my second year, so I can speak for 3/4 of the academic years of med school.

Additionally, my roomie sees her boyfriend in NJ (we're about an hour away from him) every weekend (either he visits her, or she visits him). She's doing really well in school, too. So it is possible!

Of course, I understand that schools and curriculi and whatnot differ from place to place... so that would be a big factor in studying time concerns.

But don't be so down!

 

[Lolo08]

Are 3rd and 4th years more straining on long distance relationships than 1st and 2nd years? While doing rotations you're spending a lot more time at work but you don't have to study when you come home, right? I heard that it's nice to have someone to "go home to" during 3rd and 4th years. The reason why I ask is because I've been doing a LDR for the past 4.5 years now 😱 with my HS boyfriend who has been 6 hours away and it's worked out so far. Now I'm probably going to a med school that will be 2.5 hours away from him and we hope to move in together sometime during med school. I figure the 1st and 2nd years will be hectic as hell and it'd be better to continue the long distance until I'm at a point where I can actually spend time with him and not study 24/7. Oh and my SO is not in med school-he works 9-5 and has lots of free time after work. What do you guys think about 3rd and 4th years being not as busy as the first 2? During rotations, do you have off on weekends? Is it even feasible to have a LDR during 3rd year?

 

[rwk66]

Hey Sarah - thanks for the nice message! Yeah, I guess it really depends on me, the amount of time I invest in school, my ability, the cirriculum at the school I go to, etc.. I guess the best way to find out is just to do it and see what happens. Thanks for the advice and good to hear you were able to keep things going with your boyfriend!

 

[Law2Doc]

Are 3rd and 4th years more straining on long distance relationships than 1st and 2nd years? While doing rotations you're spending a lot more time at work but you don't have to study when you come home, right? I heard that it's nice to have someone to "go home to" during 3rd and 4th years. The reason why I ask is because I've been doing a LDR for the past 4.5 years now 😱 with my HS boyfriend who has been 6 hours away and it's worked out so far. Now I'm probably going to a med school that will be 2.5 hours away from him and we hope to move in together sometime during med school. I figure the 1st and 2nd years will be hectic as hell and it'd be better to continue the long distance until I'm at a point where I can actually spend time with him and not study 24/7. Oh and my SO is not in med school-he works 9-5 and has lots of free time after work. What do you guys think about 3rd and 4th years being not as busy as the first 2? During rotations, do you have off on weekends? Is it even feasible to have a LDR during 3rd year?

From what I've heard, 3rd year is going to be the worst, timewise, and 4th the easiest.

 

[autoimmunity]

nevermind

 

[Psycho Doctor]

I've almost always done the long distance thing and it sucks. I don't see it getting any better in the near future. My gf will be in Australia next semester....it's a bit too much of a commute to do the every other weekend thing. 🙁

 

[boilerbeast]

I'm about four hours away from the BF and usually do the every other weekend thing the OP mentioned, but we actually compromise and "meet in the middle" in a city that's about midway between us, which works out kind of well, because it's like going on a little vacation. We stay in a little B&B and have gotten to know the owners pretty well, so it's been good. Nice to just get away every now and then.

Normally the cost would be a problem, but fortunately one of us is a "real adult" who gets paid to work. 🙂