long distance relationships?????

[bradwilkins]

I just got accepted to medical school and currently have a girlfriend of close to three years. She just finished dental school and will be here in D.C. to work. I will be leaving to go to Detriot for medical school. Does anyone have any experience with long distance realationships????? I have never been involved in one and have never been a big fan of them. I never really hear about them working out for the best.

My girlfriend and I have said we will stay together and try to work it out but I'm just not sure about the whole thing. We both really care about each other and want to stay together, but I know it's not that easy. I mean I feel like it would be a shame to throw all those years away over some miles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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[mackaikai]

if you really realy love her, distance is not going to be a problem just more flying milage

 

[Indebt4Life]

Long distance relationships do NOT work. I had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. We flew a lot, almost every month, to see each other. However, even though we were "together"...it wasn't a real relationship. When I would see him for a weekend we would never fight because we both knew that we only had that weekend to spend with each other. Fighting and arguing are as much part of a relationship as the good times. At end, we realized that we grew apart from each other and that we were very different. Besides that, you should do what is best for you not her. If she is a good girlfriend, she would understand that.

 

[jlee9531]

actually to say that LD relationships DO NOT WORK is just a slap in the face to the people that have made it work. ive met a good number of students at medical schools that have done the LD relationship and make it work...and the most recent one i met is slated to get married soon, now that she is finished with med school.

LD is hard. if you dont have a plan and an understanding for the other person, then it will not work. but if you are prepared and your and your gf understand what its gonna be like...then you will be successful. both parties have to be mature about it.

good luck. 3 years...sounds like you two are good together. a good bf/gf is hard to find...

 

[SarahGM]

I was in a relationship in high school, which I thought was serious at the time, and we tried to make it work when he went to Georgetown and I went to Dartmouth. We lasted till January of our freshman year.

Since this past winter, I've been dating a boy in Vermont (I live in North Carolina). We met through some mutual friends on a trip, fell in love from a distance , and it has worked since then. I'll be moving to Columbia in August, which is exciting because although we'll still be apart, he'll at least be closer.

I think this is a unique situation, at least for me, because long distance is all we've ever had. Just takin' it one day at a time, and not trying to manipulate or steer our relationship in any one particular direction... it will play it's course, and if we end up in the same zip code, all the better... if we end up saying goodbye, then maybe it wasn't supposed to work. One day at a time, one day at a time.

 

[bradwilkins]

One day at a time, one day at a time.

Yeah I think it's best for me to look at that way. I mean I have roughly 10 weeks left here with her before school starts. i think I'll just do my best to have a good time now and worry about how I feel later when school starts. Besides when my M1 year starts I'll probably be to busy to think about it anyway.

 

[SarahGM]

I just think that there's a fine line between trying hard to make it work, and trying too hard. You have to find that happy medium. Scratch that- you BOTH have to find that happy medium.

 

[fullefect1]

There are so many more fish in the sea. You should go out and get 5 more girlfriends in Detriot.

 

[angstrom55]

Long distance is tricky. I've been with my b/f coming on 7 years now (2 of those high school for me). The first two years were long distance for me (sort of) since he went away to college (only about 30 miles away), I was still in high school, and I had to hide him from my parents. I think long distance is harder in the beginning of a relationship, but as time goes on, and you become more comfortable and secure with the other person, it begins to feel a little bit okay to be apart for a while.

Since we're both going off to medical school this fall and we didnt' know what schools we would end up at, we decided to let things fall where they land. If it ended being a cross country thing, we decided to see how it would work as we went along. But then it's true that med school is so much work so you'll be so busy most of the time so it won't hurt as bad (only hurts when you have so much free time to think about the other person!)

 

[willthatsall]

I have a theory about Long Distance Relationships. In order to say they don't work, I think we need to first define "work". If by "work" you mean "eventually get married", then of course most LDR don't work. But if you define "work" as "getting married", then the overwhelming majority of ALL relationships don't work. This isn't limited to just LDR. I think there is a tendency to see people in a LDR that lasts a year or two and then ends and say, "Ok, they broke up so LDR's don't work." But if you saw the same people in a normal relationship and they ended it after a year or two, nobody would say, "Ok, they broke up so ALL relationships don't work." In the second case, the reason for break up would most likely be seen as an incompatibility issue, while for the first case the distance would be blamed. Maybe the people in the LDR would have broken up even if they had not been far away from each other. I think that distance introduces a new issue or stress into a relationship, but it doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. It depends on everything else involved. I'm a veteran of zero long distance relationships, btw, so it's just a theory.

 

[Premedtomed]

I had quite a few online, you know what I mean -the ones your cousins and mom get pissed off about
Anyways, I think it is difficult to maintain a long distance relationship- hopefully your significant other knows that you won't have a lot of time while in medical school.
So "quit fooling around" is what you might have to say j/k
Chill

 

[Premedtomed]

There are so many more fish in the sea. You should go out and get 5 more girlfriends in Detriot.

True true but Detroit

 

[SaltySqueegee]

I just recently started the LD thing between me and my fiancee of 7 years. It has been hard, however, when she is done with grad school in winter, she will be moving to live with me while I'm in med school for the next 7-8 years. So, the LD thing is only for a short period of time.

Things that help:

SBC Long Distance Plan
Verizon America's Choice Plan w/Text Messaging
Email
ATA Frequent Flyer miles--Every third flight is free.
Digital Camera-- eh... err... yeah... whatever... for family photos

 

[Marina9]

I have a theory about Long Distance Relationships. In order to say they don't work, I think we need to first define "work". If by "work" you mean "eventually get married", then of course most LDR don't work. But if you define "work" as "getting married", then the overwhelming majority of ALL relationships don't work. This isn't limited to just LDR. I think there is a tendency to see people in a LDR that lasts a year or two and then ends and say, "Ok, they broke up so LDR's don't work." But if you saw the same people in a normal relationship and they ended it after a year or two, nobody would say, "Ok, they broke up so ALL relationships don't work." In the second case, the reason for break up would most likely be seen as an incompatibility issue, while for the first case the distance would be blamed. Maybe the people in the LDR would have broken up even if they had not been far away from each other. I think that distance introduces a new issue or stress into a relationship, but it doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. It depends on everything else involved. I'm a veteran of zero long distance relationships, btw, so it's just a theory.

This was my thought exactly. Well put

 

[kidsmd]

I have been in a long distance with my bf since I started school in July; we were together for 4 years prior to this. So far it was been going along well.... He lives in California and I live in Ohio. I think the thing that makes our relationship work is that we are both very supportive of each other. Medical school definitely keeps me busy and to a certain extent it does make it easier for me to deal with the distance. There are days when it soes suck big time. Going home and wishing he were there; i mean, i can share things with him but sometimes it's just not the same as having him physically there. But I know that in the end, I will be with him and that is what keeps me going. What is 4 years out of the rest of our lives? Of coarse every relationship is different. It just depends on how you feel about it and how much work you guys are willing to put into it. When I had to go to med school last year, it was both exciting and very sad.... excited to be going of coarse but sad to be far away. But for us, we never questioned if we were gonna stay together or not, it was more of a matter of how hard it was going to be but we were willing to try it.

 

[Xandie]

I think it also depends if there's an end in sight for the LD stuff. I spent 7 months on study abroad in Australia after 5 years in a relationship and didn't see my fiance at all during that time. We talked every day (whoa phone bills), but I was definetely aware of how long it would be until I could see him again.

It worked for us though--the wedding is in six weeks.

I think as long as you have a definite idea of what you need to do and that it's a priority, then you can make it work.

 

[wxl31]

This going to sound crazy. I fell in love with my bf one month before he left for med school in Ohio (I'm from California). Four years later, we're still together. His last year of school, he spent at Stanford doing visiting clerkships so maybe you can do that in DC during your 4th year. Maybe your gf will move to Detroit later....

One bit of advice: Talk. Talk. Talk. It's super important to keep the communication up b/c that's all you really have.

 

[kaikai128]

This going to sound crazy. I fell in love with my bf one month before he left for med school in Ohio (I'm from California). Four years later, we're still together. His last year of school, he spent at Stanford doing visiting clerkships so maybe you can do that in DC during your 4th year. Maybe your gf will move to Detroit later....

One bit of advice: Talk. Talk. Talk. It's super important to keep the communication up b/c that's all you really have.

Try being in a relationship with someone who you can not call and you can only "talk" to via emails (which only sometimes get delivered and sporatically checked 2-3 times per week) and letters. He can only make phone calls for a few minutes at a time once a week or so. This is really tough and I just don't know if it is going to work. My only word of advice, think twice before getting into a LDR with someone in the military.

 

[Adapt]

You're complaining about being in different states while I'm worried that my relationship won't work because my gf is going to be 45 minutes away.

I'm under the impression that LD relationships where you have to get on a plane to see the other person is just to difficult to keep up especially for 2 or more years while in med school. Sometimes you just go to move on.

 

[OnMyWayThere]

I haven't applied yet and I'm concerned about my relationship dearly. I am probably headed for the Caribs because I had a really rough few years many years back and I don't know what will happen to my relationship. The upside is that I will see how genuine the relationship really is if I do end up moving so far because only a strong relationship will survive in such a situation. So if the relationship does end up working for you, you know you've got something strong and the future will be that much better surviving hardships early on. I think of this and it does shine the positive side.. it's the only way to think of it to prevent getting too upset

 

[jlee9531]

I just recently started the LD thing between me and my fiancee of 7 years. It has been hard, however, when she is done with grad school in winter, she will be moving to live with me while I'm in med school for the next 7-8 years. So, the LD thing is only for a short period of time.

Things that help:

SBC Long Distance Plan
Verizon America's Choice Plan w/Text Messaging
Email
ATA Frequent Flyer miles--Every third flight is free.
Digital Camera-- eh... err... yeah... whatever... for family photos

every 3rd flight is free???
that sounds like a deal thats almost too good to be true...

 

[Kryztine]

Hi, I'm new to this but I wanted to hear your opinions. Does anyone know of successful couples where both people are in different medical schools, and are able to make it our alive and well after 4+ years apart? I'm currently deciding on med schools, and am a year behind my boyfriend. Though I definitely want to be with him now and in the long run, I'm torn because the school I want to attend is across the country from him (he's in Ohio, I'm on the West coast.) So I'm trying to decide...our relationship is very important to me, but at the same time, I don't want my decision to be based on mostly him. I have the opportunity to attend his medical school as well, so I'm stuck...Any advice will help! Thanks

 

[Please!]

Hi, I'm new to this but I wanted to hear your opinions. Does anyone know of successful couples where both people are in different medical schools, and are able to make it our alive and well after 4+ years apart? I'm currently deciding on med schools, and am a year behind my boyfriend. Though I definitely want to be with him now and in the long run, I'm torn because the school I want to attend is across the country from him (he's in Ohio, I'm on the West coast.) So I'm trying to decide...our relationship is very important to me, but at the same time, I don't want my decision to be based on mostly him. I have the opportunity to attend his medical school as well, so I'm stuck...Any advice will help! Thanks

How do you have the option of making this decision after May 15? Have you applied already so you know you have the opportunity to attend his medical school as well?

 

[bradwilkins]

bump for new opinions

 

[LovelyRita]

Long distance relationships do NOT work. I had a long distance relationship for almost 3 years. We flew a lot, almost every month, to see each other. However, even though we were "together"...it wasn't a real relationship. When I would see him for a weekend we would never fight because we both knew that we only had that weekend to spend with each other. Fighting and arguing are as much part of a relationship as the good times. At end, we realized that we grew apart from each other and that we were very different. Besides that, you should do what is best for you not her. If she is a good girlfriend, she would understand that.

Sounds almost like mine to a 't'. 3rd/4th year rotations are back in city where bf is located.

We are still together, but it seems like the relationship is always on the line. If we're still together 10 years from now, I'll write in to say it 'worked'. (we've been together for 6.5)

 

[ngtah00]

Would you give up a full ride to your instate school or go to a private school, rack up 200k+ of debt for 4 years to be with someone that you've been dating for almost 3 years?

 

[cher25]

I've been in a long distance relationship for the past 2.5 years and my boyfriend and I only really get to see each other twice a year, during Christmas holidays and over the summer. We really care about each other but at this point, it's becoming exhausting and it's slowly falling apart.

My advice is this, make sure you're both on the same page. Make sure that you're realistic. It's easy to say you love each other and it'll work because your love will keep you together...as my bf and I did, and we're still together but like someone said earlier, I don't feel like I'm in a real relationship anymore. It's hard. Whatever it is, make sure there's a reasonable compromise. If you love this girl and see her as your wife in the future, then make sure that you're both aware that there will be a point that you will be living in the same place, no matter the cost. When you finish med school, you need to be willing to get residency where she lives, or she willing to move to where you get residency. Both of you need to be willing to travel to see each other because believe me, if one person does most of the traveling, they'll get exhausted. After 2.5 years of traveling and sending e-mails and talking on the phone once a week with my boyfriend, I now feel like I have a pen pal, not a boyfriend. Not knowing when we'll ever really be together is killing me. I no longer feel like he and I are being realistic. Like I said before, just be realistic.

 

[cher25]

Would you give up a full ride to your instate school or go to a private school, rack up 200k+ of debt for 4 years to be with someone that you've been dating for almost 3 years?

NO WAY!!!!! That's completely and totally illogical. That someone special needs to understand. What would happen if yall broke up for whatever reasons? Then you'd be in debt, out of state, and single.

 

[CaMD]

Whether LDR work is dependent on the relationship. A really great relationship CAN survive, so don't throw it away just cause you're moving. You need to know it's gonna be hard though and plan out how you're both going to handle it. Which leads to my second point which is that another factor in whether an LDR will work is the personality types involved. And, though this doesn't bode well for med students, the flexibility and time committments of both partners can help/hurt.

 

[cooldreams]

NO WAY!!!!! That's completely and totally illogical. That someone special needs to understand. What would happen if yall broke up for whatever reasons? Then you'd be in debt, out of state, and single.

AND seeing your "anti-significant other" everyday on top of that... that is an easy choice... GO IN STATE!!!!!!!!

 

[Jillianrae]

I agree that LDRs can be difficult and take a lot of work. My pseudo sig is in the military and left for basic shortly after I started med school. He and I are really close (he's my best friend), and I've known him for 2 years. After not talking at all for over 8 weeks, things were a little tough and akward. We started out over 3000 miles apart, and he was recently stationed about 300 miles from where I attend school. It makes the distance seem like a lot less of an issue.

Communication is definately the key to making the LDR thing work. We're a lot closer now than we were when we were living in the same state. We're more willing to talk about the daily activities that seemed unimportant when we saw each other all the time. Learning to adjust to the distance has helped us learn about each other and ourselves, and it makes the time we do get to spend together that much more special.

 

[EggHead]

Here's my 2-cents. My wife and I started dating my first year of graduate school in 1997. In '98 she moved 900+ miles away to start graduate school herself. We saw each other ~6 times a year until we got married in October of '02. I am enrolling in med school this August and she has about another year left in grad school, so back to the long-distance arrangement for about a year or so. A LD relationship can work if you want it to, it can also answer the question of whether or not you are with the right person very quickly.

Look at it as an opportunity to develop the talking/communicating side of the relationship and use this time to decide whether or not you really miss the other person enough to make it last.

--Egghead

 

[bradwilkins]

A LD relationship can work if you want it to, it can also answer the question of whether or not you are with the right person very quickly.

Look at it as an opportunity to develop the talking/communicating side of the relationship and use this time to decide whether or not you really miss the other person enough to make it last.

--Egghead

That's exactly the way I plan to look at it Egghead

 

[jennie 21]

Would you give up a full ride to your instate school or go to a private school, rack up 200k+ of debt for 4 years to be with someone that you've been dating for almost 3 years?

I wouldn't do this unless you're already engaged with a wedding date set, AND there's no possible way he can move to be where you are. Unless you are engaged, you're taking an awfully big risk by doing this not just in terms of moving to a place where you don't know anyone but a huge FINANCIAL risk as well and you need to consider that...I don't think it's worth it unless you're absolutely certain this person is going to be your life partner and you know he feels the same way. Even then, it seems to me it would be preferable for him to move to where you are...better for you both financially in the long run.

 

[911Med]

I just got accepted to medical school and currently have a girlfriend of close to three years. She just finished dental school and will be here in D.C. to work. I will be leaving to go to Detriot for medical school. Does anyone have any experience with long distance realationships????? I have never been involved in one and have never been a big fan of them. I never really hear about them working out for the best.

My girlfriend and I have said we will stay together and try to work it out but I'm just not sure about the whole thing. We both really care about each other and want to stay together, but I know it's not that easy. I mean I feel like it would be a shame to throw all those years away over some miles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

911Med smacks bradwilkins across the forehead with a soggy twinkie...

O.K. - let's analyze this situation:

1. You have a girl whom you care about and obviosuly she digs you (3 years! wow! I can't keep a dog alive for that long.)

2. She is a dentist - i.e. done w/ education - see also "sugar momma"; see also can buy reall food. Please reference these crazy "dentists make $$$" threads as well if you need further evidence.

3. You are going to school in D-E-T-R-O-I-T. 'nuff said.

4. To the OP who said 3 girls in Detroit, you are lucky to find 1. I'm sure that they are out there; scantily skipping around Royal Oak and Birmingham, but when your studying in the gray urban setting of D-town, they are hard to come by.

5. It is 8 hours (or 3.5 DMB bootleg concerts) by turnpike to DC - a pretty scenic, nice, straight shot.

6. Although I am sure that all SDN affiliated female medical students are amazingly hot, witty, quality women, there will be gross-gunnar-blobs in medical school. "Study-nookie" will probably not be an option.

7. Detroit needs more dentists - someone will have to outfit the Pistons players with "platinum spinning teeth" when they win the championship!

It sounds like you have a good thing going - take it from experience, whatever is behind door #2 usually isn't any better.

Now be sure to help a brotha out with biochem.

 

[bradwilkins]

911med:
thanks for the insight.

U going to Wayne St. in the fall

 

[911Med]

Yep.

I will be in the lowly MS program within the medical school.

So I'll be in most of the M1 classes, but I don't get the snazzy white
coat.

Maybe next year... that is unless I start an aspiring rap career by moonlighting in a auto plant.

 

[snowhite]

I wouldn't do this unless you're already engaged with a wedding date set, AND there's no possible way he can move to be where you are. Unless you are engaged, you're taking an awfully big risk by doing this not just in terms of moving to a place where you don't know anyone but a huge FINANCIAL risk as well and you need to consider that...I don't think it's worth it unless you're absolutely certain this person is going to be your life partner and you know he feels the same way. Even then, it seems to me it would be preferable for him to move to where you are...better for you both financially in the long run.

Yep, get a ring first.

 

[snowhite]

My fiance' broke up with me when I decided to go to another school farther away from him. He couldn't handle it and I didn't want to go to the school and give in to his demands. He couldn't wait for me for 3-4 years or move to where I'd be. The thing is, I would have wanted to make it work if he were willing to try.

So...my advice is...is that if she's willing and understanding and you love each other and BOTH want to try to make it work...it will.

Long distance relationships work if you want it to work...AND...I'm assuming it's not a permanent thing, so it'll definitely be okay for awhile. Also, you'll have less distractions and more time to study study study.

 

[NDESTRUKT]

i've had a long distance gf for 2 years. actually we broke up for 2 months within that time because living in southern CA, you have to test the waters for the hotties here...but the truth is, a good gf IS hard to find and every girl i dated was nothing in comparison to the original gf. i mean, looks only goes a certain distance and my gf was (and still is) a damn good looking blond. but what pushed it over the edge was she was a good personality, caring, so willing to cook and clean that i end up telling her not to do more than her share and i'd do mine...and just a good gf in general. it was at this point i realized i found a good thing and didn't want to give such a thing up...the good thing is...after 2 long years of me in southern CA, i'm going back to indiana (which i don't like the state itself) for school and will also be with her (what a bonus, eh?)

so yes, long distance does work. if you found a good thing, don't give it up!

 

[911Med]

My fiance' broke up with me when I decided to go to another school farther away from him. He couldn't handle it and I didn't want to go to the school and give in to his demands. He couldn't wait for me for 3-4 years or move to where I'd be. The thing is, I would have wanted to make it work if he were willing to try.

So...my advice is...is that if she's willing and understanding and you love each other and BOTH want to try to make it work...it will.

Long distance relationships work if you want it to work...AND...I'm assuming it's not a permanent thing, so it'll definitely be okay for awhile. Also, you'll have less distractions and more time to study study study.

a fiance' not willing to move?
F! - him snowhite.
Sell the ring and buy an iPod.

 

[cooldreams]

a fiance' not willing to move?
F! - him snowhite.
Sell the ring and buy an iPod.

had a fiance once... of 3 yrs... gave her 3000 dollar ring... then a year later breaks up... just before i got accepted... she wants to get back together now... where is the ring?

lessons learned???

why bother getting involved... you will not matter that much to anyone anyways... unless you could possiblly find someone... that rare person, who really does love you... this should not be something you have to change yourself to make work, or something that will shutdown any part of your life.

alternative chemical desired options... drinking... chocolate... isolation... denial... healing... recouperation... growth... starting new....

sigh........... if you have to work that hard at a relationship....

dont over extend yourself....

 

[snowhite]

had a fiance once... of 3 yrs... gave her 3000 dollar ring... then a year later breaks up... just before i got accepted... she wants to get back together now... where is the ring?

lessons learned???

why bother getting involved... you will not matter that much to anyone anyways... unless you could possiblly find someone... that rare person, who really does love you... this should not be something you have to change yourself to make work, or something that will shutdown any part of your life.

alternative chemical desired options... drinking... chocolate... isolation... denial... healing... recouperation... growth... starting new....

sigh........... if you have to work that hard at a relationship....

dont over extend yourself....

Yes, lesson definitely learned. I think I will take time to be selfish for a little while at least. No boys for me for awhile. So, did you get back together with your ex-fiance?

 

[snowhite]

Hey cooldreams,

I'm planning to go to Kansas CIty too! However, I think I"m going to defer a year. See you there.

 

[DrWuStar]

Would you give up a full ride to your instate school or go to a private school, rack up 200k+ of debt for 4 years to be with someone that you've been dating for almost 3 years?

that is more or less my situation, and i am willing to do it, but i guess there are some important other details: my fiance was willing to move with me for med school, but his career limits him to certain cities. i did not get into UCSF or UCLA, so there went the state school option. i just felt i didn't want to do this without him, and i feel sure he is my partner for life.

 

[bradwilkins]

bump!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[sg4runner]

I just got accepted to medical school and currently have a girlfriend of close to three years. She just finished dental school and will be here in D.C. to work. I will be leaving to go to Detriot for medical school. Does anyone have any experience with long distance realationships????? I have never been involved in one and have never been a big fan of them. I never really hear about them working out for the best.

My girlfriend and I have said we will stay together and try to work it out but I'm just not sure about the whole thing. We both really care about each other and want to stay together, but I know it's not that easy. I mean I feel like it would be a shame to throw all those years away over some miles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

It will be hard, but I definitely think it can work between you two... you just really have to work at it. She's gone thru professional school, so she should be able to understand the pressures you'll be under during the next few years, and that is a BIG plus. You just have to make sure you talk and SEE each other relatively often, and put in equal effort. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 1/2 years, and we've done the long distance thing for 2 1/2 of those years. We've made it work and I'm in CA and he's in Europe (don't ask) ! The way we did that was by trying to see each other every 2-3 months, trusting each other, and by genuinely not wanting to be with anyone else. Now I'm moving to the east coast, and he found a job in a nearby state (he's a US citizen), so we've reduced the distance between us by 5000 miles! I also agree with the poster who said there needs to be some sort of end to the distance in sight, i.e. do you both agree on where to live after you're done with med school?

I would say if you REALLY see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, don't give up!!! It is possible. If you're just staying together because you've already been together for so long, etc, I don't think that's a strong enough reason. Good luck!

 

[CanuckPAGirl]

It's doable. I was LD for 4 years with my current boyfriend. Althoguh it was not without its SERIOUS bumps and ruts. We did have some problems remaning faithful at some points (I was worse), dealing with the separation and its easier to get jealous and argue so far away I think. But even after all that I finally moved to be with him and though we may have to be LD again based on where he gets into medical school, it is something we might be willing to work through again.

You can try it, the worst that can happen is it doesnt work.

 

[bradwilkins]

bump one more time