Long distance relationships...

[sparkle8608]

Does anybody have any advice for handling long distance relationships? I start med school in the fall, and I'm hearing all kinds of stories about school taking up ALL of my time. We've been together for a year and a half and things are going well, so I don't want to give up on it. On the other hand I don't want it to go down south after I get to school and become a distraction. Is anybody else in this situation and have any advice?

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[GreenShirt]

It really all depends on the unique dynamics of the relationship (ie. how long you've been together, how long you will be apart, how far etc.). I'm an MS-I in an LD relationship. We see each other about every 3 weeks and will be LD all 4yrs I'm in school. It was a tough adjustment at first but know we're getting into the rhythm of things. Another girl in my class only sees her bf every two months, which would drive me crazy, but it seems to work for them. Some LDR have broken up in my class others are in LDRs with spouses and families. I guess the point is that it varies from person to person how they will handle the distance. If you have a good foundation to the relationship and are committed to working on it, I think it can work. I think the real challenge is that separation can make you re-evaluate aspects of the relationship that were overlooked when you were together which is where your comitment really gets tested.

 

[ChimpanzeeMinky]

It really all depends on the unique dynamics of the relationship (ie. how long you've been together, how long you will be apart, how far etc.). I'm an MS-I in an LD relationship. We see each other about every 3 weeks and will be LD all 4yrs I'm in school. It was a tough adjustment at first but know we're getting into the rhythm of things. Another girl in my class only sees her bf every two months, which would drive me crazy, but it seems to work for them. Some LDR have broken up in my class others are in LDRs with spouses and families. I guess the point is that it varies from person to person how they will handle the distance. If you have a good foundation to the relationship and are committed to working on it, I think it can work. I think the real challenge is that separation can make you re-evaluate aspects of the relationship that were overlooked when you were together which is where your comitment really gets tested.

I too am curious about this. I have only been in my current relationship for 2.5 months, but I have a strong feeling that this one might be 'the one'. What aspects of the relationship have you found yourself reevaluating? How did you end up broaching the subject with your SO before leaving for school as to how you would handle the distance?

 

[C equals]

If he/she's the one- a long distance relationship is possible and can end up with the 2 of you together after med school. It can be done.

 

[34140]

i think the biggest factors in keeping a LDR going are 1) understand that this is what you were made to do, and you will not have time to do the normal stuff you used to do with him/her and thats a sacrifice you will both have to make. 2) making the time you do spend together as meaningful as possible to get the most out of it.

If you both can do that, then it should last.

 

[spospo]

currently doing long distance right now as an M1. we were only together for a little over 2 months when i had to move, but we wanted to make it work. he tells me now that he didn't think he was going to see me again, but man have i proved him wrong. no, it isn't that he had doubts about us, he just thought it was too good to be true. during the fall we saw each other every few weeks or so. the spring has been a little busier and harder, but we are making it work. we are lucky because he got a teaching job next year down here and will be moving out. some things that i think are important

-let him/her know that your time schedule will not be similar to that seen in undergrad. i explained to him how our schedule works and what other commitments i would have
-when you do talk to him/her on the phone/in person, remember to talk about things other than medicine (even if they are interested), they will get bored fast
-be willing to make sacrifices; we spent a lot of money to see each other and knew that 20 minutes less studying/sleeping in order to talk on the phone would help us
-being hundreds (or thousands of miles away) doesn't give you an excuse to think only about yourself, if you want to make it work, you will still think about the "us"
-be willing to work fights out before going to bed
-don't get angry if he/she doesn't pick up - remember, he/she has a life too
-if you snap at your SO because you are stressed about school, apologize and tell them that it is school and try not to do it again

thats all i can really think of. don't let med school delay your life. if you think this could be the one, do it, make it work, trust me, it is worth it

 

[sparkle8608]

Great advice!

 

[GreenShirt]

I too am curious about this. I have only been in my current relationship for 2.5 months, but I have a strong feeling that this one might be 'the one'. What aspects of the relationship have you found yourself reevaluating? How did you end up broaching the subject with your SO before leaving for school as to how you would handle the distance?

My bf is in a science PhD program so he is putting in as much time and effort working on his degree as I am, which I think adds a high level of crucial understanding to the relationship. We make sure to call each other everyday before bed and look forward to spending time together every 3 weeks. If you make the decision to make it work and commit to the relationship, I think it is definitely doable. The things that you reevaluate tend to be individually specific and it's really up to you to decide whether you should continue forward or sever the realtionship.

 

[fireflygirl]

currently doing long distance right now as an M1. we were only together for a little over 2 months when i had to move, but we wanted to make it work. he tells me now that he didn't think he was going to see me again, but man have i proved him wrong. no, it isn't that he had doubts about us, he just thought it was too good to be true. during the fall we saw each other every few weeks or so. the spring has been a little busier and harder, but we are making it work. we are lucky because he got a teaching job next year down here and will be moving out. some things that i think are important

-let him/her know that your time schedule will not be similar to that seen in undergrad. i explained to him how our schedule works and what other commitments i would have
-when you do talk to him/her on the phone/in person, remember to talk about things other than medicine (even if they are interested), they will get bored fast
-be willing to make sacrifices; we spent a lot of money to see each other and knew that 20 minutes less studying/sleeping in order to talk on the phone would help us
-being hundreds (or thousands of miles away) doesn't give you an excuse to think only about yourself, if you want to make it work, you will still think about the "us"
-be willing to work fights out before going to bed
-don't get angry if he/she doesn't pick up - remember, he/she has a life too
-if you snap at your SO because you are stressed about school, apologize and tell them that it is school and try not to do it again

thats all i can really think of. don't let med school delay your life. if you think this could be the one, do it, make it work, trust me, it is worth it

I totally agree with spospo - great advice! Most of this is what I do anyways right now with me completing my post-bac and him in Pittsburgh working. And I will be staying in Philadelphia for school so we are going to have a little more time before we get together. I am worried about how our relationship i going to be affected by med school but I am just taking it one day at a time and continuing to give him the same kind of committment and sacrifice as I have for the last three years. We figure that we might as well work on our careers and achieve our dreams now so that we are stable when we are together in the future.

 

[Colonel]

only if the person has another significant other in the place they are living in.

Yah I have to say it how I see it, and most of them end because we realize we are stressed out humans who have needs.

 

[sprinkibrio]

Try your best, but expect the worst. Most of them end, some soon and some later. The younger relationships will last a little longer because the affection and optimism in the early stages of a relationship overwhelms the distance. The older relationships end quicker because people want to get married or move on... and the distance is so different what was there before. It works better if there is a set date for living in the same city again.

I don't think med school affects an LDR any differently than any other LDR that keeps you away for four years.

 

[AKADoc]

I'm an M-III and I've been in a LDR for going on 4 years (he's a chiropractic student). And it works okay, but I think its because we're both students. We both study our butts off at all times, so its kinda good that we're not around each other all the time because there is minimal distraction. LDRs take more effort, but I would say most people who are in a relationship while in med school. As long as you guys trust each other and are willing to work, you'll be fine. And if you make it through, you guys are golden!

 

[klgDO]

It is tough. We drove from Fort Worth to Houston or Houston to Fort Worth every weekend last semester.

You have to have constant communication to make it work. We had been together for two and a half years before that long distance but we also had practice a couple summers before. I would resolve the distance as soon as possible because people do change. Best of luck!

 

[Polyxena]

I am in a relationship that is fairly new but I know that at least on my end I would be wiling to commit to making long distance work. He will be starting his residency and I had already committed to a job in a different state before we met.

I was hoping those of you that decided to to the LD thing fairly early in the relationship might have some advice? LD is a big commitment so I am not sure how to broach the subject in a way that doesn't freak him out. I am nervous or afraid that he will perceive the discussion as a sign that I am looking to move quickly to the next level when what all I can say for sure at the moment is that I think we are compatible with one another and therefore I am willing to give it a try.

any advice would be much appreciated, thanks.

 

[DrJosephKim]

Use Skype and a WebCam

I was in a long-distance relationship during med school. It was tough! endless nights of long conversations, and you'd both end up being so tired on the phone that conversations would seem fragmented.

If you can videoconference, that takes the conversation to a whole different level. Really wish I had that capability back then.

JK

 

[DoctorPhud]

My wife and I did the long-distance thing for 4 1/2 years while she was at medical school in the US and I was doing my PhD in a far away country.

It really can be done.

Use Skype, or whatever you like, but we averaged over an hour of talking each night. We talked about everything that we were doing, problems, daily issues, cases, interactions, and so on. Talked about all of it. Sometimes we re-arranged our time to talk, because of dinner with friends, etc., but by and large, we made the time.

>-be willing to work fights out before going to bed

Hmm. This is over-rated. The greatest lesson of marriage is that this is completely absurd. Sometimes arguments take time to resolve, and sometimes people aren't mentally with it enough at the end of the day to say anything meaningful. That leads to bad resolutions and bad feelings that linger. Take your time and work out your fights properly.

>-don't get angry if he/she doesn't pick up - remember, he/she has a life too

Mmm. You'll never get this right, especially if you've had a rough day and want to talk about it desperately... You'll get get irrationally annoyed if your SO doesn't pick up time after time, but you'll eventually realise why you're annoyed when you *do* talk, and apologise. That's relationship growth!

Oh, and if you decide to get married after a while, don't wait too long. We waited a year and a half until we were both done after we got engaged. It was long, painful and irritating. We argued about planning and were frustrated at being caught in between single and married. If you're sure about it, just get married and figure out the living apart thing as a married couple until you can get together... It's for the best.

 

[Mythos219]

If this was undergrad I'd be saying no chance. But since this is medical school and people are (hopefully) more mature and have greater direction in life, the chances of a long distance relationship lasting are much better. Of course it will take an enormous amount of work and both parties must be willing to sacrifice a lot.

 

[deleted36260]

It'll only work if there is a horizon where it will no longer be LDR. That horizon is not going to be 4 years off or it will fail.

Make a plan to keep the LDR thing to a minimum timeframe (somebody is moving!) or the LDR will end itself anyways.

 

[sprinkibrio]

If this was undergrad I'd be saying no chance. But since this is medical school and people are (hopefully) more mature and have greater direction in life, the chances of a long distance relationship lasting are much better. Of course it will take an enormous amount of work and both parties must be willing to sacrifice a lot.

I really don't think maturity has very much to do with weather an LDR lasts... at all. If anything the more mature people realize that an LDR may not be practical for them, especially if the relationship is new. And I think the average med student is less mature than the average college student.

IMO the people who can survive LDRs are already married, get married during the LDR, have a short LDR with an expiration date, or who haven't had a lot of dating/relationship/long distance experience. Those who have had an LDR before or several serious, formerly fulfilling and healthy relationships would never try an LDR with any seriousness.

And generally the guy pulls out first.

 

[Re3iRtH]

I really don't think maturity has very much to do with weather an LDR lasts... at all. If anything the more mature people realize that an LDR may not be practical for them, especially if the relationship is new. And I think the average med student is less mature than the average college student.

IMO the people who can survive LDRs are already married, get married during the LDR, have a short LDR with an expiration date, or who haven't had a lot of dating/relationship/long distance experience. Those who have had an LDR before or several serious, formerly fulfilling and healthy relationships would never try an LDR with any seriousness.

And generally the guy pulls out first.

Yes, much like in another aspect of the relationship.



/bad joke

 

[Messerschmitts]

Anecdotally a lot of the long-distance relationships amongst my classmates ended around spring of the first year. However, every situation and relationship is different. I wish you guys the best of luck. It's cliche, but it's all about communication and sacrifice.

 

[caffeine52]

I really don't think maturity has very much to do with weather an LDR lasts... at all. If anything the more mature people realize that an LDR may not be practical for them, especially if the relationship is new. And I think the average med student is less mature than the average college student.

IMO the people who can survive LDRs are already married, get married during the LDR, have a short LDR with an expiration date, or who haven't had a lot of dating/relationship/long distance experience. Those who have had an LDR before or several serious, formerly fulfilling and healthy relationships would never try an LDR with any seriousness.

And generally the guy pulls out first.

My advice: I see a lot of people in long distance relationships who feel like they have to know they're going to get married or know the exact date in which it will no longer be long distance. For me, personally, things have worked out best by not putting pressure on the situation. We initially approached the subject with a talk about how we'd rather date each other long distance than be single or date someone else. We make sacrifices for each other because we want to (i.e I spent my summer after M1 with them). I think the one of most helpful things for making it work is respecting each others goals and reasons for being distance. Don't put too much pressure on things!

 

[Darjeeling]

It'll only work if there is a horizon where it will no longer be LDR. That horizon is not going to be 4 years off or it will fail.

As terrible as a four-year horizon can seem...sometimes it's still better than giving everything up.
Advice after one year:
1. Enjoy the time you do get together as fully as possible- try and be the real person that we med students forget how to be! You may have to accept that you will lose a few points on the exam because you didn't study that weekend. I have to remind myself frequently that my relationship is worth so, so much more than a few percentage points.
2. Though our SOs may never quite be able to understand what we are going through, let them into what's going on. It is so much nicer for them to have a sense of what classes we are in, etc than to just hear how much work med school is. Let them be a part of your life.
3. Make sure to check in with them frequently and take just as much interest in their life as you want them to take in yours! It is so easy to forget or dismiss anything outside of med school life, even when it is the life/school/work of a person you love. Don't let it happen!

(and try not to stress about the horizon- or lack of one!)

 

[deleted36260]

As terrible as a four-year horizon can seem...sometimes it's still better than giving everything up.
Advice after one year:
1. Enjoy the time you do get together as fully as possible- try and be the real person that we med students forget how to be! You may have to accept that you will lose a few points on the exam because you didn't study that weekend. I have to remind myself frequently that my relationship is worth so, so much more than a few percentage points.
2. Though our SOs may never quite be able to understand what we are going through, let them into what's going on. It is so much nicer for them to have a sense of what classes we are in, etc than to just hear how much work med school is. Let them be a part of your life.
3. Make sure to check in with them frequently and take just as much interest in their life as you want them to take in yours! It is so easy to forget or dismiss anything outside of med school life, even when it is the life/school/work of a person you love. Don't let it happen!

(and try not to stress about the horizon- or lack of one!)

One year is not 4...good luck.

 

[Boogsie]

I think the number one suggestion for any successful relationship is communication. This is doubly true for a long distance one.

You have to express your feelings and try not to dwell on the little things, which usually comes down to compromising. Its hard to admit you are wrong, but it helps your relationship when you do.

Try not to fight (no yelling, no screaming, no crying) especially on the phone. Each person should be able to express their views without being screamed on or they will get defensive.

I know this sounds like a bunch of crap, and for some people a good screaming fight is the good for a relationship, but I think for most people its good to remember that if you love, trust, and respect that person, they deserve to be heard. Ohh, no silent treatment and never sleep in separate bedrooms because of a disagreement. When you are visiting, you have so little time together, its just a waste.

Its good to remember that you are in this (life and your relationship) together.

 

[Blesbok]

Most of the people I befriended first year were in long distance relationships including myself. Most people are actually still with their SO in that relationship and a lot of them are still long distance relationships. There are ups and downs to it. They aren't heart to distract you from studying so you get a lot done, however, fitting in visits can be difficult for more than 2-3 days a month if you have to fly there. I would say that if you are both willing to make compromises that it is definitely worth trying. Like I said, a lot of people do it and a lot of people stick with it successfully/

 

[EM_Rebuilder]

6 years LD here... 1.5 years of undergrad, 4 years of med school, 1 yr of residency...


No problems...

 

[da me ka don]

6 years LD here... 1.5 years of undergrad, 4 years of med school, 1 yr of residency...


No problems...

Are you male by any chance?

 

[Darjeeling]

One year is not 4...good luck.

True... but there were already two years (long distance) under my/our belt, so do I get extra credit?
I appreciate your point, and it's a valid concern- I just wanted to point out that people can and do maintain relationships over long distances for years all the time. Med school doesn't make it easy, but it's not hard to find people who have done it, at my school at least.