M1 Leave of Absence due to Family Death

[m1lkshake]

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Hello,

I'm an M1 who started med school about 2 months ago. I'm at a low/midtier US MD school if that means anything.

Simply put, my mental health is in shambles right now, and I am failing school horribly. My stepmom unexpectedly passed away, literally a week before I moved to the opposite end of the country. I miss my dad and my siblings, and I wish I was at home to mourn and just be around them. We're obviously in a pandemic, I made the mistake of living alone so I spend a lot of time isolated, aside from a few in-person classes and trying to socially-distanced hang out with classmates once a week or so.

I've been having horrible anxiety and depression, I fluctuate between being unable to get out of bed and feeling like I'm on stimulants. I barely even remember the last few weeks since I wake up every hour at night. Got sub-50% on my first exam, I tried my best but I guess my mind real estate is taken up by something else. I have finally started talking to the school about what's going on, and seeing a therapist. Probably going to receive medication from a school doctor this week.

I've been talking to my school about my options. Looks like the options are probably:

1. Accept that I'll fail anatomy and retake it over the summer. Anatomy ends late October so I would just try to spend the next couple of weeks recuperating, figuring out some real study skills, trying to get my mental health treated. While it would be nice to not take a LOA, I'm afraid my mental health will keep spiraling and it'll just turn into me failing anatomy, then failing my next courses as well.

2. Take a personal leave of absence for this year, and start anew next year. I really love the thought of being with my family, having time to really engage in therapy, and have time to mourn. But I am so afraid of how this will impact my future. I've seen so many people saying that a LOA is a huge red flag and you'll have to explain it to everyone. I'm probably interested in primary care since I'm already feeling sick of the big rat race that is medicine, but I am also from California and hope to return for residency so this may be a challenge.

I would love to hear any and all perspectives on this. I am just so hurt and disappointed that something I've dreamt of my whole life is beginning to feel like a nightmare. My instinct tells me that it's time to go home, but I'm just so afraid of having to deal with the punishments after coming back. Sorry if this post is rambling and incoherent, I'm probably sleep deprived.

 

[deleted1005514]

Have you talked to a counselor, academic advisor or whoever your school has in place for this?

I’m sorry for your loss OP, an unexpected death can be devastating for a long time.

 

[m1lkshake]

Have you talked to a counselor, academic advisor or whoever your school has in place for this?

I’m sorry for your loss OP, an unexpected death can be devastating for a long time.

I've been talking to professors, dean, financial aid office, therapy, etc.

Luckily my school has been super supportive in whatever I want to do. The dean was leaning toward me taking a year off and was proactive in getting me in contact with someone who can prescribe me some meds and the financial aid office, regarding my loans in a year off.

On the flipside, my anatomy professor seemed to think I should just stay here and retake anatomy in the summer. As a professor, he might naturally be more invested in my learning than my emotional state at the moment.

I guess at the end of the day, my school isn't going to make the decision for me, and it's probably one of those things where there is no "good" option as I'm in a crappy situation. I just thought I'd come on here and possibly hear some outside perspectives 🙂

 

[IMGASMD]

Go home. OP.

That’s the short answer. I am sorry this happened to you and family. I am also glad you have the insight to look for help.

“Tough it out” doesn’t do anyone any good. We, as physicians, sometimes forget, life still happens all around us. It only gets harder. People will understand.

Good luck.

 

[ciestar]

Take the LOA. You cannot continue on this path as it stands right now.

 

[Osteosaur]

I'm sorry for your loss. Take the LOA.

It may be true some malignant programs might look at an LOA and look no further. But you don't really have a third option to 'push through and forget you suffered a terrible loss.' Taking a LOA now will look better than trying to explain course failures, or the need to repeat M1 due to course failures.

 

[deleted1005514]

I've been talking to professors, dean, financial aid office, therapy, etc.

Luckily my school has been super supportive in whatever I want to do. The dean was leaning toward me taking a year off and was proactive in getting me in contact with someone who can prescribe me some meds and the financial aid office, regarding my loans in a year off.

On the flipside, my anatomy professor seemed to think I should just stay here and retake anatomy in the summer. As a professor, he might naturally be more invested in my learning than my emotional state at the moment.

I guess at the end of the day, my school isn't going to make the decision for me, and it's probably one of those things where there is no "good" option as I'm in a crappy situation. I just thought I'd come on here and possibly hear some outside perspectives 🙂

I have to agree with others who are saying take the LOA. You’re still very early in your school year, you’ve sought wise counsel and you have a legitimate reason to go be with your family, regroup mentally and come back strong next year.

I’ll say this as someone who took an LOA under similar circumstances last year after almost completing a semester and trying to “tough it out”. Don’t isolate, and don’t beat yourself up about taking leave. All this is is a pause, a reset. Take care of your family and yourself, remember why you came to medical school, and come back stronger next year and tear it up.

 

[LunaOri]

I agree with everyone above: take the LOA if your school will allow it, and start fresh next year. A major move plus medical school is enough; death of a close family member on top of that is too much to deal with all at once. You need time to grieve, and you can't do that while immersed in classes.

 

[ArteryStudyPainting]

LOA.

If you have to explain it, then they'll understand you moving, a death, covid, isolation. And if they don't understand, you don't want them.

You'll be a doctor one day.

It'll be okay.

 

[m1lkshake]

Thanks so much everyone, for real. Looks like I will probably be going home and getting the help I need. Thank goodness my school is being super cooperative and fast-acting.

 

[m1lkshake]

(Btw, this thread is still open to anyone who has LOA/retaking med school year advice, stories, or comments. I have quite a long road ahead of me.)

 

[PapaGuava]

I'm sorry to hear about this OP, but I wish you luck moving forward.

 

[Goro]

Hello,

I'm an M1 who started med school about 2 months ago. I'm at a low/midtier US MD school if that means anything.

Simply put, my mental health is in shambles right now, and I am failing school horribly. My stepmom unexpectedly passed away, literally a week before I moved to the opposite end of the country. I miss my dad and my siblings, and I wish I was at home to mourn and just be around them. We're obviously in a pandemic, I made the mistake of living alone so I spend a lot of time isolated, aside from a few in-person classes and trying to socially-distanced hang out with classmates once a week or so.

I've been having horrible anxiety and depression, I fluctuate between being unable to get out of bed and feeling like I'm on stimulants. I barely even remember the last few weeks since I wake up every hour at night. Got sub-50% on my first exam, I tried my best but I guess my mind real estate is taken up by something else. I have finally started talking to the school about what's going on, and seeing a therapist. Probably going to receive medication from a school doctor this week.

I've been talking to my school about my options. Looks like the options are probably:

1. Accept that I'll fail anatomy and retake it over the summer. Anatomy ends late October so I would just try to spend the next couple of weeks recuperating, figuring out some real study skills, trying to get my mental health treated. While it would be nice to not take a LOA, I'm afraid my mental health will keep spiraling and it'll just turn into me failing anatomy, then failing my next courses as well.

2. Take a personal leave of absence for this year, and start anew next year. I really love the thought of being with my family, having time to really engage in therapy, and have time to mourn. But I am so afraid of how this will impact my future. I've seen so many people saying that a LOA is a huge red flag and you'll have to explain it to everyone. I'm probably interested in primary care since I'm already feeling sick of the big rat race that is medicine, but I am also from California and hope to return for residency so this may be a challenge.

I would love to hear any and all perspectives on this. I am just so hurt and disappointed that something I've dreamt of my whole life is beginning to feel like a nightmare. My instinct tells me that it's time to go home, but I'm just so afraid of having to deal with the punishments after coming back. Sorry if this post is rambling and incoherent, I'm probably sleep deprived.

Very very sorry to hear about this.

I advise a LOA. Take the time to heal. Cry when you feel the need to cry.

 

[THEBACKANDFORTH]

Sorry OP. I also support LOA. I'm an M3, but several of my classmates who i was close with had troubles at the beginning of M1 due to mental health issues. Those who took a LOA in M1 are all doing well now as M2s.

Conversely, the students who joined my class from the class above me all did really well in my class.

Just restart after the pandemic. It won't be much of a red flag to tell your story 4 years from now in residency interviews. People will be sympathetic, and you will do well next year.

Edit: I can't imagine starting med school in a new city during quarantine. It's hard now, and I had the chance to foster close relationships during the first couple years, along with non-med relationships. Start next year when you have that chance.

 

[Isoval]

I think you should take the leave of absence.

At the least, it's the move I would make in your shoes.

Nobody in their right mind will fault you for this.

 

[m1lkshake]

Med school can really pummel a person, haha.

In undergrad I was depressed for quite some time because I was in a toxic relationship, but at least in undergrad, I could waste half the day being depressed and coping with my feelings and still skirt by with B's.

Med school, or at least anatomy so far, seems like you simply do not have time to have off days or mope in bed. My professor encouraged me to start waking up at 6 AM and spend all day at school studying, while my therapist encouraged me to do things I love and relax. I simply can't do both right now!

I think if it was just 2 things (med school + family death, med school + quarantine) I could handle it. But this combo of 3 hard hitters at once (med school + family death + quarantine) is just too overwhelming, and tbh, probably something no one has really dealt with the year before this. Wish me luck y'all.

 

[DrRiker]

2. Take a personal leave of absence for this year, and start anew next year. I really love the thought of being with my family, having time to really engage in therapy, and have time to mourn. But I am so afraid of how this will impact my future. I've seen so many people saying that a LOA is a huge red flag and you'll have to explain it to everyone. I'm probably interested in primary care since I'm already feeling sick of the big rat race that is medicine, but I am also from California and hope to return for residency so this may be a challenge.

I would love to hear any and all perspectives on this. I am just so hurt and disappointed that something I've dreamt of my whole life is beginning to feel like a nightmare. My instinct tells me that it's time to go home, but I'm just so afraid of having to deal with the punishments after coming back. Sorry if this post is rambling and incoherent, I'm probably sleep deprived.

OP, go home and take a break. A LOA is a red flag if it's for a bad reason. If a residency program decides to not accept you because of a family death, that's probably not a program you'd like to be at anyway. In the end, careers are rarely the source of happiness. It's the people who we love and care about. You and your family will feel much better if you have the chance to mourn appropriately.

 

[IMGASMD]

Med school can really pummel a person, haha.

In undergrad I was depressed for quite some time because I was in a toxic relationship, but at least in undergrad, I could waste half the day being depressed and coping with my feelings and still skirt by with B's.

Med school, or at least anatomy so far, seems like you simply do not have time to have off days or mope in bed. My professor encouraged me to start waking up at 6 AM and spend all day at school studying, while my therapist encouraged me to do things I love and relax. I simply can't do both right now!

I think if it was just 2 things (med school + family death, med school + quarantine) I could handle it. But this combo of 3 hard hitters at once (med school + family death + quarantine) is just too overwhelming, and tbh, probably something no one has really dealt with the year before this. Wish me luck y'all.

Yep. No time to waste. No time to be distracted. Sad to say, no time to grieve.

I think the vote is pretty unanimous. I hope you will take what everyone has said seriously and give yourself a pass for this one.