M2 in "quarter life crisis"

[carinne32]

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I am a SO of an M2. We have been together for almost two years. last year was tough but we had a lot of fun. this summer we travelled together for two months - amazing!. but since the beginning of this year things have been pretty rocky. he has been very depressed about school and about everything. he barely goes to lecture, he complains about how uninterested he is. he became very distant with me. we split for a month to think about things, so he could get his head on straight about school, career paths, relationships, etc. and I could evaluate if this relationship was something i could deal with. he spent most of the time drinking with buddies which i guess is his way of working things out. i spent a lot of time thinking things over in my head. after a month we realized that we missed each other a lot and would rather be together than apart. he said all these amazing things the night we got back together about how much this relationship means to him. three weeks later - he is still totally out of it.
School is not fulfilling and he is questioning medicine altogether. he is thinking about taking a year in between 2 and 3 for the MBA program or an NIH research position. he admitted that he thought getting back together would make everything else better (as if i can control how intellectually stimulated he is by his classes??). He has been unthoughtful and even kind of rude towards me. I don't want to be with him if he is just gonna make me sad all the time. Do i need to be more patient? more understanding? I am kind of fiesty and when he doesn't treat me with respect, I just want to walk away. But the "rational" me thinks I should take it easy on him - even though i still think he should know he is hurting me. i cannot make him appreciate me or treat me better, it has to come from within him. my tendency is to pull away and let him come to his own conclusion. how should i deal with this. at the end of the day - he is worth it. but it is hard to see it when he acts so cold-hearted and unemotional.

 

[jennie 21]

Your guy sounds like he is depressed, to me. Do you think that could be the case? The apathy, the not being interested in anything, the irritability and taking it out on you...it all fits. If you think this is the case, the best thing you can do is encourage him to see a psychiatrist and get treatement, including maybe meds. His school should have resources for this, or be able to hook him up with somebody...almost every med school has some way of providing free or low-cost mental health treatment for students because these kinds of problems are so common. I would bet that once he's treated for the depression, his moods and his treatment of you will improve dramatically. If they don't, even after he is treated, well then that's another story and I wouldn't blame you one bit for not wanting to stand for it. But you've invested two years in this relationship, I think you owe it to yourself and to him to try to get him the help he needs for this before making any kind of decisions.

Just know that what he's going through is very, very common. Many people feel the same way second year and begin questioning their decision to go into medicine because it's just so stressful and interminable and it doesn't seem like the classwork will ever end and they can't see the connection between that and what they wanted to do in the first place. It usually gets better third year. I'd say yeah, it would be nice if you could be understanding and supportive...but you have your own needs and feelings, too. If you need space, take it...but try to make sure he gets hooked up with the help he needs. There's an underlying problem here that needs to be fixed, you can't just fix it by being more understanding and supportive. He probably doesn't have a lot of perspective on his own behavior right now and doesn't realize that he's being an a** to you.

 

[carinne32]

thanks for the advice. i think that his "depression" or whatever it is exactly is not that serious yet but the rut he is in is definetly affecting most of his life. so whatever he is going through, identity crisis, questioning life, etc, what role am i supposed to play here? how can i support him and be understanding without getting walked all over or letting him hurt me?

 

[Peeshee]

I am a SO of an M2. We have been together for almost two years. last year was tough but we had a lot of fun. this summer we travelled together for two months - amazing!. but since the beginning of this year things have been pretty rocky. he has been very depressed about school and about everything. he barely goes to lecture, he complains about how uninterested he is. he became very distant with me. we split for a month to think about things, so he could get his head on straight about school, career paths, relationships, etc. and I could evaluate if this relationship was something i could deal with. he spent most of the time drinking with buddies which i guess is his way of working things out. i spent a lot of time thinking things over in my head. after a month we realized that we missed each other a lot and would rather be together than apart. he said all these amazing things the night we got back together about how much this relationship means to him. three weeks later - he is still totally out of it.
School is not fulfilling and he is questioning medicine altogether. he is thinking about taking a year in between 2 and 3 for the MBA program or an NIH research position. he admitted that he thought getting back together would make everything else better (as if i can control how intellectually stimulated he is by his classes??). He has been unthoughtful and even kind of rude towards me. I don't want to be with him if he is just gonna make me sad all the time. Do i need to be more patient? more understanding? I am kind of fiesty and when he doesn't treat me with respect, I just want to walk away. But the "rational" me thinks I should take it easy on him - even though i still think he should know he is hurting me. i cannot make him appreciate me or treat me better, it has to come from within him. my tendency is to pull away and let him come to his own conclusion. how should i deal with this. at the end of the day - he is worth it. but it is hard to see it when he acts so cold-hearted and unemotional.

I know your situation is something that a lot of sig. others of med. students, drs., residents go through. It IS hard to understand what goes through their mind. They have so much on their mind that sometimes their actions seem to the SO to be cold, uncaring, heartless, etc. Maybe, this is not their intention, but the SO feels hurt by all this.

What exactly is it that your boyfriend does to make you feel hurt? Does he not pay attention to you/devote some time out of the week just to you? Does he not want to talk about how things are going for him at school? You say that he is rude and sometimes thoughtless. I really doubt that his actions toward you have anything to do with you particularly. It seems he is mostly preoccupied with school and his future in medicine, but I guess inadvertently he takes those feelings out on you.

Maybe you can have a talk with him one of these days about what is going on, not just in your relationship with each other, but what is going on in his mind about medicine and his future plans. Pick an appropriate time though, when he doesnt have a lot of exams/work.

No, you do not want to be walked all over and unappreciated, but I think you should give him a chance. Let him know how you feel, and also let him know that if there is any way you can help him.

I hope he will open up to you and let you know what is going on.