Making Friends

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dr.grenouille

dr.grenouille

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Does anyone else worry about not making friends going into M1? It seems like everyone will be so busy that the only way to really meet classmates and make friends would be to study together, and I’m definitely a solo studier! Most of my friendships have developed organically so the idea of forcing my way into a friend group by being overly friendly and attending random events and study sessions stresses me out. Making friends obviously isn’t the goal of med school but I worry about feeling lonely in a new place. Just curious what it’s been like for those that have already been through it!
 
I made good friends on and off campus. Go to orientation events, get into study groups in the beginning, even if you don't love them. Join SIGs. My best friends, and my fiance I met at the local gym. Don't force it, but you will have shared experiences. Most importantly, maintain the friendships that you already have.
 
Speaking as someone with a class size of 300+, you’re going to have to put in work to not make friends. Even the gunners have formed their own clique. Medical students aren’t nearly intimidating as you may think, and the stress of wtf is on the exam only brings us closer 🙂
 
You honestly have to try to not make friends in medical school. Our school had so many social events, bar happy hours etc for us the first week of school it was impossible not to make friends unless you skipped every event. I have many more friends in medical school than I didn’t in undergrad. We all spend so much time in the same space and many of us are new to the area that you will tend to congregate together. My class also goes out after our exams. You don’t really have to force anything. Just show up and be normal.
 
I honestly don't care to make friends. I've only made a couple in my life, and was never really close. Pretty much just call on each other when we need help. My focus will be on learning.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I'm polite, I just don't hang out with coworkers, other students, etc outside of school.
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I can understand this. I try not to make too many friends from professional settings. I would rather my colleagues not know too much about my personal life. However, this plan tends to fall apart after a bit, as I am a pretty social person. :shrug:
 
I had some severe social anxiety going into medical school. Tbh it served me well M1. Didn’t have to worry about kissing ass. A lot med school friendships are formed around complaining and bitching about school. But, more organic friendships form without effort and we never complain about school and instead talk about other world stuff that is a lot more interesting. These are the friendships that matter.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I'm polite, I just don't hang out with coworkers, other students, etc outside of school.
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I'm like this too. I'm polite and pleasant at work and school, chit-chatting with classmates and co-workers, but I'm a serious introvert so all that more than fills my quota of "people time", then I go home to a house full of kids. :laugh:
 
seaturtle98 said:
I'm like this too. I'm polite and pleasant at work and school, chit-chatting with classmates and co-workers, but I'm a serious introvert so all that more than fills my quota of "people time", then I go home to a house full of kids. :laugh:
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Same. I have two toddlers at home, so I already get very little alone time or time with my wife. Last thing I want to do is spend some of that with someone from school.
 
You don’t have to study with others to make friends. My closest friends came from forced attendance in class M1 year. We sat near each other, talked, commiserated a bit, found each other at social events, met for drinks after exams, 1 friend invited a new person, etc. So pretty organically starting from proximity. We never studied together.

We all made other friends during rotations, which can resemble coworker friendships or morph into more.

You can work really hard at isolating yourself but even the most anti-social awkward kids and the non trads with spouses/kids made friends. Over time you begin to share so many experiences - student groups, stressful exams, bar nights, study breaks in the library, medical mission trips, rotations, lab work, exercise classes - that you run into the same people over and over again, you become a familiar face and it’s easy to start a conversation about *something*.
 
Dr.Bruh said:
You honestly have to try to not make friends in medical school. Our school had so many social events, bar happy hours etc for us the first week of school it was impossible not to make friends unless you skipped every event. I have many more friends in medical school than I didn’t in undergrad. We all spend so much time in the same space and many of us are new to the area that you will tend to congregate together. My class also goes out after our exams. You don’t really have to force anything. Just show up and be normal.
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Is the bolded really necessary? I may be too old for such a drastic change.
 
Newyawk said:
The most important advice is dont trust anyone with anything remotely unethical. Youd be surprised how even the "coolest" people can become monsters.
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so true

that's how me and my circle of friends ended up with a total sociopath - like full on, almost Bundy level, he didn't kill and **** dead people to my knowledge, don't think he was into that, but yeah, pretty scary stuff

we were able to extricate but not before a lot of damage had been done

definitely major ethical issues as the big clue, initially
 
dr.grenouille said:
Does anyone else worry about not making friends going into M1? It seems like everyone will be so busy that the only way to really meet classmates and make friends would be to study together, and I’m definitely a solo studier! Most of my friendships have developed organically so the idea of forcing my way into a friend group by being overly friendly and attending random events and study sessions stresses me out.
Click to expand...

You don’t have to group study or go to every single event ever, but friendships won’t develop organically by yourself in your apartment. You have to make yourself available.
—Go to events that are fun and/or you find interesting.
—If you have a hobby, mention it on your class Facebook group: chances are good somebody else also likes to ride bikes or bake cookies or play video games or whatever.
—Friends and I did a lot of “studying separately together” in first and second year: doing our own thing but at the same table at Panera/wherever. That way you can commiserate on your study breaks. And have someone watch each other’s stuff if you need to get in line for more coffee or use the restroom
 
Crayola227 said:
so true

that's how me and my circle of friends ended up with a total sociopath - like full on, almost Bundy level, he didn't kill and **** dead people to my knowledge, don't think he was into that, but yeah, pretty scary stuff

we were able to extricate but not before a lot of damage had been done

definitely major ethical issues as the big clue, initially
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I'm curious..
 
Psai said:
I also judge acquaintances by their potential future utility
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Yes. It seems very machiavellian but I don't have any friends that I couldn't imagine having future utility. Its not that I use them, because I will go out of my way to help them, but they're people that I see as generally intelligent, wise, successful, ambitious, etc.

I never understood how people that are very successful maintain true friendships with people who think on a much more basic level. Nothing wrong with it, indeed quite noble, but I find myself shying away from these people.


I've realized that my double edged sword is that in person, I am extremely formal. I don't talk with my hands (I use what we called in Military Police lingo as "the interview stance"), I speak in a very professional, highly educated manner. This wins me over in job interviews, with leadership, hospital administration etc. I pretty much win over everyone I meet in that regard.

The problem is, in social and personal relationships, I still tend to talk in this manner. So people probably see me as cold, or "inhuman" as my girlfriend puts it. But people tend to not notice until they're very close to me, usually the only people that notice are girfriends. Even my friends never get close enough to realize it. And since all of my friends are doctors, nurse practitioners, lawyers, etc. it doesn't seem out of place, versus if they were oilfield workers for instance.
 
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um, wanting friends on your intelligence level is not the same thing as just having friends for their future utility

seriously seems to be missing the entire concept of friendship, honestly

while I understand wanting friends on your level, at the same time, sometimes friends are people you have history and other things in common

sometimes it's about companionship, pure and simple

a life where everyone has to have some utility outside that, usually ends up being a sad and lonely one

people like that tend to attract mostly the same types, and that's how it goes
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I've realized that my double edged sword is that in person, I am extremely formal. I don't talk with my hands (I use what we called in Military Police lingo as "the interview stance"), I speak in a very professional, highly educated manner.
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tmp_6632-images(8)2019419882.jpg
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I never understood how people that are very successful maintain true friendships with people who think on a much more basic level. Nothing wrong with it, indeed quite noble, but I find myself shying away from these people.
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Nothing noble about it. Some childhood and young adult friendships naturally drift apart or end, some stand the test of time, but I don’t see the point of cutting things off with someone; because, I have a doctorate now and they’re still working retail. I was friends with them before I was a doctor and even before I was trying to get into med school; why shouldn’t I still be friends with them now? They know me, the good, the bad, and the humiliating parts, and I never have to wonder if they’d have my back if I need it; because, we’ve already been through it when **** hits the fan.
 
Never denied that. My hobby is reading textbooks, watching Ted talks, and watching documentaries on ancient battles. Lol.

I never cut anyone off. I like keeping my relationships amicable. I just find that I don't have time for them as much.
 
For the OP, if you put yourself out there even a little bit, you’ll find that others in your class are in the same boat and looking for friendship, too. One of my closest friends in the world barely knew who I was and vice versa until second year. We ended up randomly sitting together in lecture and bonded over sarcasm and our mutual hatred for humanity. Trust me, it’ll happen for you, too.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I've realized that my double edged sword is that in person, I am extremely formal. I don't talk with my hands (I use what we called in Military Police lingo as "the interview stance"), I speak in a very professional, highly educated manner. This wins me over in job interviews, with leadership, hospital administration etc. I pretty much win over everyone I meet in that regard.

The problem is, in social and personal relationships, I still tend to talk in this manner. So people probably see me as cold, or "inhuman" as my girlfriend puts it. But people tend to not notice until they're very close to me, usually the only people that notice are girfriends. Even my friends never get close enough to realize it. And since all of my friends are doctors, nurse practitioners, lawyers, etc. it doesn't seem out of place, versus if they were oilfield workers for instance.
Click to expand...

wat

you win everyone over, like hospital people, with your formal manner, yet none of them seem to notice this special formality that won them over, and only your girlfriend and oilfield workers can tell, only they find it weird, and they're the only ones

sounds like someone might be under a certain allusion to how they come across

who cares, it's only your gf and like 98% of the population that think you're inhuman, thank goodness the NPs and hospital admin appreciate this about you
 
Crayola227 said:
wat

you win everyone over, like hospital people, with your formal manner, yet none of them seem to notice this special formality that won them over, and only your girlfriend and oilfield workers can tell, only they find it weird, and they're the only ones

sounds like someone might be under a certain allusion to how they come across

who cares, it's only your gf and like 98% of the population that think you're inhuman, thank goodness the NPs and hospital admin appreciate this about you
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No, every time I am evaluated annually, the major brownie points I get is my caring nature and that I am liked by the staff. I don't come off as distant or cold at work at all. And seeing as I really have no life outside of work, except the gym, where I work out alone, and performing autopsies (where once again I seem to be highly regarded. In a room full of autopsy interns, I tend to be the one who stands out. I make myself very useful and ask thoughtful questions. Many seem afraid to get their hands dirty.

Otherwise however, I am probably invisible to the rest of the general public.

When I say formal, I do not mean unfriendly. I mean I don't cut up, joke about things, I don't watch television or listen to the music most of my coworkers do, so I do not understand all of the jokes and references. I don't watch sports, etc. Usually they don't realize this because I just avoid those topics. I've had to learn which topics to avoid. As a child I was outcast because I would try to discuss ancient history or something with my classmates and all I got were dead stares and it created distance. I've learned what are "socially friendly" topics.

When I was in the Army, I was the guy who spent all evening reading science and history textbooks in the barracks, while everyone else was getting wasted and dumping money on strippers. Probably the hardest time I ever had fitting in. I don't feel like its as difficult in a medical setting.


I get it, I'm a total nerd. But introspection is key. I've realized I'm different and gotten better at fitting in.
 
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Jesus people there is more to friendship than future utility. Sometimes some people just need someone that can make them laugh, listen to them, show them new bands or new movies etc. If that’s what you mean by utility then ok. But just making relationships with people based on “how can this person help me succeed in my career” seems so empty. Not saying you shouldn’t have that mind set but if ALL your relationships are based on that concept it sounds like a miserable existence and most likely people won’t want to spend time around you.
 
RNtoMD87 said:
I am extremely formal. I don't talk with my hands (I use what we called in Military Police lingo as "the interview stance"), I speak in a very professional, highly educated manner. This wins me over in job interviews, with leadership, hospital administration etc. I pretty much win over everyone I meet in that regard.
Click to expand...

slides in your DM's like
 
I'm serious. Deathmatch? Dungeon Master?
 
Crayola227 said:
so true

that's how me and my circle of friends ended up with a total sociopath - like full on, almost Bundy level, he didn't kill and **** dead people to my knowledge, don't think he was into that, but yeah, pretty scary stuff

we were able to extricate but not before a lot of damage had been done

definitely major ethical issues as the big clue, initially
Click to expand...
I thought you were one of the coolest Cray... Didn't know you would go all good cop, bad cop to get info to tank a psycho. How bad could it have really been?
 
Kgizzle said:
I thought you were one of the coolest Cray... Didn't know you would go all good cop, bad cop to get info to tank a psycho. How bad could it have really been?
Click to expand...

no, it was nothing like that

it started as what seemed like normal friendship, they definitely hid the bad behavior well at first, like they all do, but like all of them, they can't keep it up as you get closer over time

lying about grades to friends, lying about enrollment, embezzling money, you know, the sort of starter stuff you might try to overlook at first..... 😕

then you find out they're lying to docs for drugs, doing coke, going to clinic still drunk, etc etc etc

this is pretty much the mild stuff going on, the only stuff I can talk about, because otherwise it might be identifying, such is my fear of this person this many years later

why, because they did a lot of things online that was related to ruining people's lives they felt had crossed them, and they had quite a bit of success at it, too
 
RNtoMD87 said:
No, every time I am evaluated annually, the major brownie points I get is my caring nature and that I am liked by the staff. I don't come off as distant or cold at work at all. And seeing as I really have no life outside of work, except the gym, where I work out alone, and performing autopsies (where once again I seem to be highly regarded. In a room full of autopsy interns, I tend to be the one who stands out. I make myself very useful and ask thoughtful questions. Many seem afraid to get their hands dirty.

Otherwise however, I am probably invisible to the rest of the general public.

When I say formal, I do not mean unfriendly. I mean I don't cut up, joke about things, I don't watch television or listen to the music most of my coworkers do, so I do not understand all of the jokes and references. I don't watch sports, etc. Usually they don't realize this because I just avoid those topics. I've had to learn which topics to avoid. As a child I was outcast because I would try to discuss ancient history or something with my classmates and all I got were dead stares and it created distance. I've learned what are "socially friendly" topics.

When I was in the Army, I was the guy who spent all evening reading science and history textbooks in the barracks, while everyone else was getting wasted and dumping money on strippers. Probably the hardest time I ever had fitting in. I don't feel like its as difficult in a medical setting.


I get it, I'm a total nerd. But introspection is key. I've realized I'm different and gotten better at fitting in.
Click to expand...

It’s a good thing you weren’t in the Navy. Guys got captains mast (article 15) for not leaving the BEQ to drink. Teetotaling was a violation of our core values.
 
Oh I drank beer, but I found it more economical to stock my fridge from the Class Six. While people were running trains on strippers in the barracks (yes. Happened quite often). and we were law enforcement... don't get me started on the 11 series, I was drinking beer and reading. Still pretty much the happiest I can be. Or a shower beer after work. I make my own now though.
 
Crayola227 said:
no, it was nothing like that

it started as what seemed like normal friendship, they definitely hid the bad behavior well at first, like they all do, but like all of them, they can't keep it up as you get closer over time

lying about grades to friends, lying about enrollment, embezzling money, you know, the sort of starter stuff you might try to overlook at first..... 😕

then you find out they're lying to docs for drugs, doing coke, going to clinic still drunk, etc etc etc

this is pretty much the mild stuff going on, the only stuff I can talk about, because otherwise it might be identifying, such is my fear of this person this many years later

why, because they did a lot of things online that was related to ruining people's lives they felt had crossed them, and they had quite a bit of success at it, too
Click to expand...
Woah. I'm sorry you had to go through/witness that. You're still one of the coolest.
 
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