Mandated Leave of Absence- Help me decide what to do with the time

[Girl Interrupted]

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Hello med students, pre-meds, dr's. I am genuinely looking for your insight on the scenario I find myself in. You might find this interesting, perhaps even laughable at times, but this is the composite of where I am truly at. I am an MS-1 forced to take a leave of absence till August and repeat first year this Fall. The faculty is being very kind with me despite not at all performing my best during the first semester. First block I didn't really have to study at all. Second block was impossible and despite remaining caught up through out, I only came close to passing after studying approx. 200 hrs but it was still not enough so they mandated my leave of absence and repeat. I have been so profoundly depressed since beginning medical school because 1. it is awful 2. my dad just died. 3. my ex boyfriend (much older) no longer wants to marry me and I have wasted my best-looking years with him (he was my first and I really really dont want to be with anyone but him ever).

It is January of 2016 and I am 25 and way too old to ever find anyone who would want to date me and start a family with me now. Not to mention, the stress of med school brought on a sort of binge eating disorder last year that I have just finally recovered from and got my bmi down to 19 again. I am going to be even older when I finally graduate medical school because of this mandatory leave of absence and my whole life I have really just wanted to have lots of kids and raise a very big family and I don't want to compromise my future children with sub-par eggs. I just don't really know anymore. Also, I never have supported myself to live before because my parents helped me with everything before college and then I met my boyfriend while I was a college student (he was well out of college by that time) and he would not allow me to work and literally took care of everything.. So i am terrible with money and really cant pay for anything without him or the help of family members but he just wants to keep dating aimlessly and there is no way that is enough.

Any how, I do not do well with time off at all. In many ways it brings out the worst of my ocd, depression, anxiety whatever. No, i haven't been diagnosed with any of these conditions but I easily could be and I also think I might be autistic and developmentally/ socially stunted so I am really incapable of decision making as it pertains to life despite having an IQ in the 150's. However, I don't want people I know to judge me in this decision making/ advice giving process so that is why I am expressing this scenario amidst the veil of anonymity that is the internet.

So, please dont judge me but maybe you could provide some advice on how to spend the next eight months. My initial thought was obviously, some part of that time should be devoted to studying/ preparing for the ms1 year but that is only part of it. I dont sleep alot so I have alot of time and want it to be meaningful. another interest I have is maybe transitioning from the md track to the md phd track and just focusing on doctoral level research for a year or two to get more basic science knowledge in and keep myself relatively calm. Med school is just really fast and if I can take the info slower, I know I can do it well, the speed info is given to us is just not processable for my brain unless I have some relative background on the content. I also thought, maybe I should work on transferring to a med school closer to home for the ms-1 year so I don't have to be going through the embarrassment of doing ms-1 at the same school twice (I also have no friends besides my long-distance boyfriend). I am currently working on a white paper for a drug design I began during grad school, I guess I could work on that and maybe see if I can sell it to someone somewhere in pharma and possibly support my own self for once. And then lastly, I was thinking I really should focus on seeing other people and finding someone else to settle down with who shares my southern baptist values. I am just worried about all the moving parts and what needs to be prioritized and what needs to be trimmed away in terms of this gap time. Please help. I am willing to accept advice in all areas of my life thank you.

 

[Reckoner]

3. my ex boyfriend (much older) no longer wants to marry me and I have wasted my best-looking years with him (he was my first and I really really dont want to be with anyone but him ever).

and then I met my boyfriend while I was a college student (he was well out of college by that time) and he would not allow me to work and literally took care of everything..

It sounds like breaking up with your boyfriend might not be a bad thing. He wouldn't let you work? Yikes.

It is January of 2016 and I am 25 and way too old to ever find anyone who would want to date me and start a family with me now. Not to mention, the stress of med school brought on a sort of binge eating disorder last year that I have just finally recovered from and got my bmi down to 19 again. I am going to be even older when I finally graduate medical school because of this mandatory leave of absence and my whole life I have really just wanted to have lots of kids and raise a very big family and I don't want to compromise my future children with sub-par eggs.

Starting to smell pretty trollish, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Any how, I do not do well with time off at all. In many ways it brings out the worst of my ocd, depression, anxiety whatever. No, i haven't been diagnosed with any of these conditions but I easily could be and I also think I might be autistic and developmentally/ socially stunted so I am really incapable of decision making as it pertains to life despite having an IQ in the 150's. However, I don't want people I know to judge me in this decision making/ advice giving process so that is why I am expressing this scenario amidst the veil of anonymity that is the internet.

Anonymity is nice but you should probably go talk this through with a clinician.

another interest I have is maybe transitioning from the md track to the md phd track and just focusing on doctoral level research for a year or two to get more basic science knowledge in and keep myself relatively call. Med school is just really fast and if I can take the info slower, I know I can do it well, the speed info is given to us is just not processable for my brain unless I have some relative background on the content.

This is not a good idea. You're not going to finish the PhD in "a year or two". And you would most likely have to apply to the program internally, not just "transition". I doubt most program directors will want to give up a spot in their small and competitive program to a student who just failed the first year. You might be an excellent student who just went through a rough patch, but that's a risky bet to make from their perspective. Plus the intensity doesn't necessarily dial down in grad school. There's a reason many people who burn out and leave these programs do so during their PhD years.

And then lastly, I was thinking I really should focus on seeing other people and finding someone else to settle down with.

I'm actually 90% convinced this is a troll thread now, but if not this is the best idea in the post. Maybe don't worry about the settling down part. Just try to date and enjoy yourself

 

[zoopers]

1) Get your mental health under control. Talk to a therapist immediately. Mental health takes time to get under control, and your issues will be no different. This is why they gave you 8 months to figure everything out

2) Spend time with family. Make friends. Build a support system, as it will only help. Time is fleeting, and as you know, it does not stand still for you. Being given extra time to be with the people who matter most is a blessing in disguise.

3) Unlikely you're going to transfer, having had to take a mandatory leave of absence. People are receptive to people who have had to repeat years. Med school is tough and everybody knows this. There are a good number of people who repeat every year, so it won't just be you

4) No MD/PhD. Do research if you want, but don't hinge your hopes on going MD/PhD

5) Don't study at all in this year off

6) Reconsider your life goals. There's no shame in switching your career choice. Not that I'm steering you away, it's just an option, considering your goals for family, but fear of being old while choosing one of the longest career paths imaginable. If you decide you want to stick to this path later, then great. Take the year for some introspection with regards to your goals for relationships, family, career, and anything else. A little bit of thinking now will do you wonders in the future. And this goes for anybody, whether they are in your situation or not.

 

[zero0]

You clearly put a lot of time into writing this so I'll give you a break and pass this little gem along to you. You can have kids after 25. They'll be fine. I think the cutoff is age 35 or something.

 

[Girl Interrupted]

It sounds like breaking up with your boyfriend might not be a bad thing. He wouldn't let you work? Yikes.


Starting to smell pretty trollish, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.


Anonymity is nice but you should probably go talk this through with a clinician.


This is not a good idea. You're not going to finish the PhD in "a year or two". And you would most likely have to apply to the program internally, not just "transition". I doubt most program directors will want to give up a spot in their small and competitive program to a student who just failed the first year. You might be an excellent student who just went through a rough patch, but that's a risky bet to make from their perspective. Plus the intensity doesn't necessarily dial down in grad school. There's a reason many people who burn out and leave these programs do so during their PhD years.


I'm actually 90% convinced this is a troll thread now, but if not this is the best idea in the post. Maybe don't worry about the settling down part. Just try to date and enjoy yourself

*lol no im not a troll but thank you for your input. Tell me what I should know about applying to the MD PhD program internally? is it easier at some schools than others? Politics? I am aware MD PhD is more like seven years but I really would prefer to teach myself med school while working on a phd (and being accountable for producing some sort of work) than allow the med school professors to teach me. Everything I have ever learned has been through teaching myself and reading books, alone. This group work / fast paced/ congested format is so contradictory to my learning process and I really just need to have a more flexible schedule which the phd would allow in order to be happy enough to function.

 

[Girl Interrupted]

You clearly put a lot of time into writing this so I'll give you a break and pass this little gem along to you. You can have kids after 25. They'll be fine. I think the cutoff is age 35 or something.

Thank you Zero.

 

[Girl Interrupted]

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[Girl Interrupted]

[QUOTE=

 

[socialdoc1991]

1. Ignore those that think everything is a troll post on SDN. Literally, now a days anything anyone posts is considered a troll post. Do not take it to heart.

2. There are a ton of guys out there. Do not feel like there wont be better guys than the boyfriend you thought you were going to marry. God will bring a better guy on to your path. Destiny has its way to finding you. Just imagine in a few years how happy you will be when you get married to the actual person you are destined to marry, you are going laugh at your self for thinking this guy was written for you forever. In the mean time you should go out, do some activities, EXERCISE (helps with heart breaks), join clubs, Volunteer and give back to the community (homeless shelters, give back to those lower than you etc..). Exercise and giving back are the BEST things to get over depression and breakups. Don't believe my words, go out and do them and see yourself.

3. Go visit a psychologists. Speak your problems even if you think it feels cliche'. Take care of your mental health and your mental health will take care of you when you get back into the medical school game.

4. If you feel inclined to study, then study because you want to keep your mind sharp when you get back into the game next year.

5. Ask yourself what your priorities in life are. Family or Medical School? Although you can do both at once, it is going to be hard if you plan on having kids while in medical school or residency. If you plan on pursing something in the medical field but love family and kids you can always check out PA school (2 years) or Pharmacy School (4 years). I heard those are the Go-To schools for family oriented people that just want to get in quick and get out and start up a family. These are just options and my opinions.

6. Keep your head up. Be thankful and know that you will get through this hard dark time in your life.

**Everything I wrote is just my advice, opinions and suggestions. If I have said anything false or offensive then forgive me**

 

[BidingMyTime]

You clearly put a lot of time into writing this so I'll give you a break and pass this little gem along to you. You can have kids after 25. They'll be fine. I think the cutoff is age 35 or something.

35 is not a cut-of, its just an age when certain risks start to increase. There are many women who have children in their late 30's, and even early 40's, with no problems (or with problems that are controllable with medicine.)

Average life span for women now is 80's, there is no reason to freak out about not having children by age 25.

 

[Doctor Bob]

1. Ignore those that think everything is a troll post on SDN. Literally, now a days anything anyone posts is considered a troll post. Do not take it to heart.

Troll post.

 

[DokterMom]

I'm sorry you're hurting OP --

But it seems to me that the first order of business needs to be learning to stand on your own two feet independent of your parents, your school, or your [overly-controlling] ex-boyfriend. If you think you may have OCD, ASD, depression or anxiety, seek out a good counselor/psychiatrist team and do the work needed to find out and start treatment. What you do next should depend on how those first steps go --

Medical training is a wringer and a marathon; and it's not the right course for every person with the interest and ability to become a doctor. Just because you can doesn't mean you should. If having babies is your more important life goal, then you might be happier choosing a path that doesn't obstruct child-rearing quite so much, and there are lots of them.

And as to 25 being 'old'? Good grief! Sounds like you've been watching too much Duck Dynasty.

TL;DR -- Grow up. Take care of yourself. Re-evaluate.

 

[Pasmal]

And as to 25 being 'old'? Good grief! Sounds like you've been watching too much Duck Dynasty.

How would you know?

 

[TBV]

Your best use of time would be seeking therapy and perhaps medication. You have some mental issues that could use some deep introspection, I feel that's obvious after the three lines I read.

 

[Reckoner]

*lol no im not a troll but thank you for your input. Tell me what I should know about applying to the MD PhD program internally? is it easier at some schools than others? Politics? I am aware MD PhD is more like seven years but I really would prefer to teach myself med school while working on a phd (and being accountable for producing some sort of work) than allow the med school professors to teach me. Everything I have ever learned has been through teaching myself and reading books, alone. This group work / fast paced/ congested format is so contradictory to my learning process and I really just need to have a more flexible schedule which the phd would allow in order to be happy enough to function.

I only know about my school and a couple others, but yeah it does seem to vary between programs. My program hasn't taken an internal applicant in at least the past several years, whereas a couple places I know actively encourage med students to apply. You should find the program director at your school and ask them for more info.

I really don't think you'll have time to teach yourself medicine while working on the PhD. Not while maintaining a good relationship with your PI or finishing in a reasonable amount of time, at least

 

[Donald Juan]

*lol no im not a troll but thank you for your input. Tell me what I should know about applying to the MD PhD program internally? is it easier at some schools than others? Politics? I am aware MD PhD is more like seven years but I really would prefer to teach myself med school while working on a phd (and being accountable for producing some sort of work) than allow the med school professors to teach me. Everything I have ever learned has been through teaching myself and reading books, alone. This group work / fast paced/ congested format is so contradictory to my learning process and I really just need to have a more flexible schedule which the phd would allow in order to be happy enough to function.

I think you are misinformed about how MD/PhD works. Students usually complete the first two years of med school, then work on their PhD for 3-4 years, then return to finish the last 2 years of med school. It is not just simultaneously teaching yourself med school while doing a PhD for 7 years. The MD part will be just as fast paced, and if anything, you might feel more lost returning to clinicals after your PhD, when other students just finished M1-2 and Step 1. Like a poster said above, typically this is a more competitive program, and often schools have grade requirements that you must maintain. It is unlikely you will be accepted to the few spots as a student who has needed to repeat a year.

 

[Reckoner]

1. Ignore those that think everything is a troll post on SDN. Literally, now a days anything anyone posts is considered a troll post. Do not take it to heart.

Well look at that, it was a troll thread.

 

[atomi]

I am really incapable of decision making as it pertains to life despite having an IQ in the 150's.

150s, not 150's. But you knew that, smarty pants.