Mark My Essay!!!

[twilightz]

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I haven't written an essay in a while and I was wondering if you guys can help me proofread my essay.

I wrote this essay in half an hour so expect to find a few grammar and spelling mistakes.

Topic: Propose a solution to the increasing number of drug overdose incidents.

Drug overdose, whether accidental or planned, is an epidemic that can cause serious bodily harm and even death. In order to reduce the chances of drug overdose by patients, a two tier plan must be implemented. The first tier would deal with accidental overdose, which is the result of poor communication between the pharmacist and his patient.. The second tier would employ measures to counteract drug abuse by patients via counseling. Both these plans involve radical changes in patient-pharmacist interaction.

Even though drug overdose is widespread, it can be broken down into two categories: accidental or planned. Accidental drug overdose is caused when patients unkowningly take excess amounts of a drug, resulting in serious physiological complications. In order to reduce the frequency of such incidents, more emphasis should be put on patient-pharmacist communication. If each pharmacist spends atleast five minutes with a customer aquiring about a certain drug, chances of a patient having an overdose are minimal. In order for such a plan to work, more pharmacist should be employed at each commercial store, ensuring that each patient gets enough time with the pharmacist.

Secondly, there are those who abuse drugs in order to reach a state of euphoria but end up harming themselves. In this case, pharmacists should be trained to identify potential drug abusers and single them out for counseling. The employment of more pharmacists per store will ensure that most abusers are spotted.

One potential drawback to the proposed two-tier solution is that it requires a higher number of employees in each store, thus draining the financial resources of that store. However, since pharmacists are part of the health-care team and would be required to provide counseling to patients, the government can employ one additional pharmacist in each store who would be available for free counseling sessions and paid for by OHIP.

The two-tier solution may seem like a huge drain on government resources, but nevertheless it is a vital tool in reducing drug overdose. By preventing drug overdose, pharmacists would ensure that less strain is put on the health-care system.

PS: Please mark me out of 5.

I can spot a few grammar errors, feel free to point them out, but what I care more about is the overall flow and structure of the essay.

 

[twilightz]

Anyone? Anyone at all?

 

[twilightz]

Someone.................................

 

[Jammerdez1]

Not bad. I'd probably score it a 3.5 or 4. Only 2 obvious grammatical errors that caught my attention. The writing shows you know enough about pharmacy that you aren't stumbling over your own words or are unsure of yourself. It was a little short, but given the timeframe the PCAT gives you and that you'll be writing, not typing, it's about what they would expect. Good use of point-point-counterpoint. Stronger arguments could have been made, but not bad for a timed essay.

 

[twilightz]

What do you guys think about starting an "Official Essay Thread" ? People can post their PCAT essays, and others can critique them. This would be a great place to post essays, since most people here are familiar with the PCAT essay format, and its marking scheme.

The only problem is, will anyone be willing to read them?

 

[Markovnikov]

The problem solving aspect of your essay is kind of cliche, "just throw more tax money at the problem" in summary.

Anyways, the essay was alright, I'd give it a 3.

Also try writing an essay using a pencil in 30 minutes...it's a heck of a lot different than typing lol.


PS: Have you ever worked in a pharmacy before? Adding an extra pharmacist will still not make it possible to counsel every patient for at least five minutes lol. At least not in the 300+rx/day store I work at.

 

[EvrythingAugust]

I think you would get a 3 for the writing, but the solutions were a little bizarre. They expect those things because really how does anyone come up with a grand solution and write about it's details in 30 minutes?

 

[Farcus]

just so you know most schools don't give that much consideration into essays. I'm spend the past 2 and half month studying every subject and spent at most a few hours on writing.

 

[ffpickle]

didn't get to read through it all, but i would stay away from the word 'epidemic.' do you know that OD'ing is actually an epidemic? My guess is that it might be endemic. if you know it to be true, then it's cool...

also your essay seems a bit short

third, don't use the term OHIP...the people marking your essay won't be from ontario, let alone canada....they won't know what ohip is

didn't get to read through it all, but from what they all say, it's good.

 

[medicalCPA]

I'm going to be the jerk who goes through your essay with a fine-toothed comb...But since your essay will be graded on "Conventions of Language," I thought, what the hell...

Topic: Propose a solution to the increasing number of drug overdose incidents.

Drug overdose, whether accidental or planned, is an epidemic [epidemic refers to disease, which drug overdose is not] that can cause serious bodily harm and even death. In order to reduce the chances of drug overdose by patients, a two tier [hyphenate, like you do in another part of this essay] plan must be implemented. The first tier would deal with accidental overdose, which is the result of poor communication between the pharmacist and his [a nitpicky correction, but the pharmacist and the patient] patient.. [typo] The second tier would employ measures to counteract drug abuse by patients via counseling. Both these ["both" or "these," not the two of them together] plans involve radical changes in patient-pharmacist interaction.

Even though drug overdose is widespread, it can be broken down into two categories: accidental or planned. Accidental drug overdose is caused when patients unkowningly [typo] take excess amounts of a drug, resulting in serious physiological complications. In order to reduce the frequency of such incidents, more emphasis should be put on patient-pharmacist communication. If each pharmacist spends atleast [at least]five minutes with a customer aquiring [I don't know what you are trying to say here, but if it is "acquiring" or "inquiring," both are wrong] about a certain drug, chances of a patient having an overdose are minimal. In order for such a plan to work, more pharmacist [should be in its plural form] should be employed at each commercial store, ensuring that each patient gets enough time with the pharmacist.

Secondly, [no "first" but a "second"?] there are those who abuse drugs in order to reach a state of euphoria but end up harming themselves. In this case, pharmacists should be trained to identify potential drug abusers and single them out for counseling. The employment of more pharmacists per store will ensure that most abusers are spotted.

One potential drawback to the proposed two-tier solution is that it requires a higher number of employees in each store, thus draining the financial resources of that store. However, since pharmacists are part of the health-care [remove hyphen] team and would be required to provide counseling to patients, the government can employ one additional pharmacist in each store who would be available for free counseling sessions and paid for [omit] by OHIP [tell your reader what an acronym means before you use it freely].

The two-tier solution may seem like a huge drain on government resources, but nevertheless [use either "but" or "nevertheless," not both of them at once] it is a vital tool in reducing drug overdose. By preventing drug overdose, pharmacists would ensure that less strain is put on the health-care [remove hyphen] system.


...I am not going to assign any grade; I am not a PCAT grader. However, the "simplistic solution" assertion made by others is correct.

The irony...English is not my first language.

 

[triumphbr]

I wouldn't stress over any of this writing crap. I am pretty sure if you can put two sentences together that have something to do with each other then you will get a 3.

Study the math and whatever else you think you need help with and stop wasting time with the writing.

please ignore the grammatical errors in this post as english is my first language. 🙄

 

[twilightz]

Thank-you for going through the trouble of marking my essay, medicalcpa. Even I didn't bother to scrutinize my own essay this closely. Your post was helpful in pointing out my flawed tendencies. Thank-you again.

However, I do want to point out that my use of the word "epidemic", although presumptuous, was not incorrect.

 

[sparklypharm]

I thought I'd continue this thread!
Post your replies please, and if anyone wants to post their essay also, feel free!

Please mark out of 5 🙂


Discuss a solution to the problems resulting from insufficient supplies of donated human organs

With the rise of an aging population, due to the baby boomer’s era there will be an increased need for health care. In addition, the possibility for an increase in demand for human organs may be on the rise as well. This brings up problems resulting from insufficient supplies of donated human organs.

The necessity for donated human organs can arise from a variety possibilities; ranging from organ failure due to age, lifestyle, or hereditary reasons. If an individual needs an organ replacement they are usually placed onto a long waiting list due to insufficient supplies of donated human organs.

Alternatives may be used in place of human organs, such as valves from different organisms that are closely related to humans or bioartificial organs. However, these alternatives must be researched thoroughly to analyze the consequences these may bring. Therefore, the more money from the government must be put into researching alternatives for organ transplants.

To possibly increase the supply of donated human organs, education for the general public could have an effect. Commercials similar to the “blood, its in you to give” which are provided by the government could help evoke in people’s mind the possibility of donating their organs when they pass away. In addition, the government could implement a law making it mandatory to have on a person’s social insurance card whether or not doctors have the consent to utilize one’s organs in the case of an emergency.

A major setback with these solutions would include the amount of time and monetary funds it would take to research or implement these propositions. However, if these setbacks could be overcome, the benefits we could reap would be tremendous.

Although there are currently insufficient supplies of donated human organs, solutions can be implemented such as investing money into alternative replacements, educating the general public, and implementing mandatory consent laws. Perhaps after the implementation of these proposed solutions, the problem of insufficient supplies of donated human organs will be a thing of the past.

 

[HurricaneKatt]

Topic: Propose a solution to the increasing number of drug overdose incidents.

Drug overdose, whether accidental or planned, is an epidemic that can cause serious bodily harm and even death. In order to reduce the chances of drug overdose by patients, a two tier plan must be implemented. The first tier would deal with accidental overdose, which is the result of poor communication between the pharmacist and his patient; the second tier would employ measures to counteract drug abuse by patients via counseling. Both of these plans involve radical changes in patient-pharmacist interaction.

Even though drug overdose is widespread, it can be broken down into two categories: accidental or planned. Accidental drug overdose is caused when patients unknowingly take excess amounts of a drug, resulting in serious physiological complications. In order to reduce the frequency of such incidents, more emphasis should be put on patient-pharmacist communication. If each pharmacist spends at least five minutes with a customer inquiring about a certain drug, chances of a patient having an overdose are minimal. In order for such a plan to work, more pharmacists should be employed at each commercial store, ensuring that each patient gets enough time with the pharmacist.

There are also those who abuse drugs in order to reach a state of euphoria but end up harming themselves. In this case, pharmacists should be trained to identify potential drug abusers and single them out for counseling. The employment of more pharmacists per store will ensure that most abusers are spotted.

One potential drawback to the proposed two-tier solution is that it requires a higher number of employees in each store, thus draining the financial resources of that store. However, because pharmacists are part of the health-care team and would be required to provide counseling to patients, the government can employ one additional pharmacist in each store who would be available for free counseling sessions and paid for by OHIP.

The two-tier solution may seem like a huge drain on government resources, but nevertheless it is a vital tool in reducing drug overdose. By preventing drug overdose, pharmacists would ensure that less strain is put on the health-care system.

PS: Please mark me out of 5.

I can spot a few grammar errors, feel free to point them out, but what I care more about is the overall flow and structure of the essay.


I bolded spelling and grammar errors. Overall it is a bit choppy and needs more flow and better transitions. I would make more suggestions but I'm at work and don't have time as the boss will be back soon, sorry. I would strongly suggest reading though it again though and trying to tie things together a bit more. Good luck hope you get a good score! 👍

 

[sparklypharm]

ahhh. can anybody mark mine please? i haven't had much experience for this :S 😱

I thought I'd continue this thread!
Post your replies please, and if anyone wants to post their essay also, feel free!

Please mark out of 5 🙂


Discuss a solution to the problems resulting from insufficient supplies of donated human organs

With the rise of an aging population, due to the baby boomer’s era there will be an increased need for health care. In addition, the possibility for an increase in demand for human organs may be on the rise as well. This brings up problems resulting from insufficient supplies of donated human organs.

The necessity for donated human organs can arise from a variety possibilities; ranging from organ failure due to age, lifestyle, or hereditary reasons. If an individual needs an organ replacement they are usually placed onto a long waiting list due to insufficient supplies of donated human organs.

Alternatives may be used in place of human organs, such as valves from different organisms that are closely related to humans or bioartificial organs. However, these alternatives must be researched thoroughly to analyze the consequences these may bring. Therefore, the more money from the government must be put into researching alternatives for organ transplants.

To possibly increase the supply of donated human organs, education for the general public could have an effect. Commercials similar to the “blood, its in you to give” which are provided by the government could help evoke in people’s mind the possibility of donating their organs when they pass away. In addition, the government could implement a law making it mandatory to have on a person’s social insurance card whether or not doctors have the consent to utilize one’s organs in the case of an emergency.

A major setback with these solutions would include the amount of time and monetary funds it would take to research or implement these propositions. However, if these setbacks could be overcome, the benefits we could reap would be tremendous.

Although there are currently insufficient supplies of donated human organs, solutions can be implemented such as investing money into alternative replacements, educating the general public, and implementing mandatory consent laws. Perhaps after the implementation of these proposed solutions, the problem of insufficient supplies of donated human organs will be a thing of the past.

 

[farfromperfect]

please "mark" my essay if u can. any feedback or advise will gladly be accepted. thanks

topic: shortages in donated organs

Shortages in donated organs are a serious problem in America today. Any solution to this shortage must rest on the supply end. Waitlists and rationing can help, but is not a long term solution. A well funded and carefully thought out campaign to educate the public of this dire shortage is the most effective solution to this problem.

Public campaigns drawing attention to causes and needs have worked great in the past. Cancer research funding, for example, has benefited greatly from public awareness. Coverage and attention to natural disasters also usually result in much aid and charitable donations. In this case, the more people know about the shortage of organs, the more likely they are to donate. If no one knows of the problem, it'll be very hard to solve.

Rationing and wait listing helps prioritize the most needy patients. Those who need organs most should get it first. Life threatening cases should take priority over cases that can wait. However, even with this solution, some people will be left without organs. Prioritizing alone cannot be the answer.

Efforts should be focused on increasing the number of donors, not the way the current supply is distributed. The percentage of current donors is very small. This is a good thing because there is room for enormous growth potential. Even if only one in one hundred people are touched by an ad campaign, it should still be a success.




thanks again for your help

 

[medicalCPA]

Discuss a solution to the problems resulting from insufficient supplies of donated human organs

With the rise of an aging population, due to the baby boomer's [baby boom] era [there should be a comma after "era," and the one after "population" is unnecessary] there will be an increased need for health care. In addition, the possibility for an increase in demand for human organs may be on the rise as well [This sentence is clumsy. "In addition, there may be an increased demand for human organs" says almost the same thing and is easier for your reader to follow]. This brings up problems resulting from insufficient supplies of donated human organs.

The necessity for donated human organs can arise from a variety possibilities; ranging from organ failure due to age, lifestyle, or hereditary reasons. If an individual needs an organ replacement they are usually placed onto a long waiting list due to insufficient supplies [There's nothing wrong with this, but an insufficient supply sounds better] of donated human organs.

Alternatives may be used in place of human organs, such as valves from different organisms that are closely related to humans or bioartificial organs [and what exactly is a "bioartificial organ"?]. However, these alternatives must be researched thoroughly to analyze the consequences these [they] may bring. Therefore, the [omit] more money from the government must be put into researching alternatives for organ transplants. [I think you mean "alternative organs" when you use the term "alternatives." Otherwise it's "alternatives to" not "alternatives for."]

To possibly increase the supply of donated human organs, education for the general public could have an effect. Commercials similar to the "blood, its [it's, "its" is a possessive pronoun] in you to give" which are provided by the government could help evoke in people's mind [minds] the possibility of donating their organs when they pass away. In addition, the government could implement a law making it mandatory to have on a person's social insurance card whether or not doctors have the consent to utilize one's [the person's] organs in the case of an emergency.

A major setback with these solutions would include the amount of time and monetary funds [money] it would take to research or implement these propositions. However, if these setbacks could be overcome, the benefits we could reap would be tremendous.

Although there are currently insufficient supplies of donated human organs, solutions can be implemented such as investing money into alternative replacements, educating the general public, and implementing mandatory consent laws. Perhaps [insert comma] after the implementation of these proposed solutions, the problem of insufficient supplies of donated human organs will be a thing of the past.

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Unnecessary wordiness is one problem with this essay, especially in the concluding paragraph and the one before it. The sentences therein are not grammatically wrong; they just use two words where one would do. One of the best pieces of advice I received in my Composition class came from Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style": Omit needless words!

 

[sparklypharm]

Thanks for the feedback medicalcpa! I'll keep your advice in mind! 🙂

Unnecessary wordiness is one problem with this essay, especially in the concluding paragraph and the one before it. The sentences therein are not grammatically wrong; they just use two words where one would do. One of the best pieces of advice I received in my Composition class came from Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style": Omit needless words!