married undergraduates

[anglswings]

were any of you guys married as undergrads?...... and if you were, were you ever disappointed by things u may have missed during your college life? im trying to write an article for a paper and need opinions. thanks.

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[FrkyBgStok]

i am an undergrad and I am married. the only thing i am disappointed with is the fact that I do not live on campus and I feel like sometimes I miss out with friendships. not drinking, just hanging out with friends. one could still do that living off of campus but i don't have the opportunity to make friends with anyone but those how sit right next to me. it may not help that i like to spend time with my daughter too.

 

[DropkickMurphy]

I'm about to get married next year but I don't see any disadvantages to it. I'm not missing out on anything of real value.

 

[kimmcauliffe]

No regrets at all. I was in the Air Force for six years and drank waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much then... so no regrets now. Different things, mostly my family, are enough to keep me going.

 

[TimmyTheWonderD]

I was married my entire undergraduate career, and as of today I am approaching six years of happy marriage. I never felt like I missed anything. Granted, my situation was a little different as my husband worked the night shift, so while I was at school all day he was at home sleeping and when I would get home from school, we would eat dinner together and then he would go off to work and I would be left home alone to study.

Pros to this situation:
peace and quiet to study
getting to live the single social life with friends
not getting on each others nerves from seeing each other TOO much

Cons would be:
having to do all the housework by myself, in addition to my homework
having to also work part time in addtion to the housework and homework
feeling lonely at times
always sleeping alone (damn third shift)

 

[DropkickMurphy]

No regrets at all. I was in the Air Force for six years and drank waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much then... so no regrets now.

Same here.....well I was only in a little over two years.....where were you stationed?

 

[psipsina]

I got married the summer before undergrad, and now we are in our 5th year. I never felt like I missed anything because he never held me back from having the "college experience". More than anything else he is my best friend and we got married because we wanted to hang with eachother every day forever, cause we have that much fun. When I made friends at college, he would come to parties and whatnot and alot of my friends became his friends too. If anything he gets upset with what a nerd I've become and tries to get me to party and be more laid back!

 

[chandelantern]

I got married in between my 2nd and 3rd year in undergrad, and it's really not much different than living together while we were engaged (my 2nd year.) I wouldn't trade it for anything, he is my best friend and my support system. I still have a "college life" minus the dating (which saves me a ton of agony!) and my husband sometimes comes out with me and my friends and sometimes doesn't. Overall I think he's made my college experience much more enjoyable because I don't have to worry about roommate issues, dating, and I always come home to someone who loves me!

 

[SoCuteMD]

It'd probably be good if you clarified whether you are looking for "traditional" undergrads who were married and "non-traditional" undergrads who were married. The two experiences are probably VERY different.

 

[TimmyTheWonderD]

A little off the subject, but it is a proven fact that married students do better and even thrive in med school when compared to their single compatriots as they do not feel as lonely. Being a med student with your nose always in books or your time always spent in lab and study groups can be VERY LONELY! You have the lack of non-pedagogical social interaction coupled with intense stress that leads to feelings of isolation.... being married lessens this and helps students excel in their studies.

Research has been done on this, I just don’t have the data readily available at this time....I have lost the reference somewhere in my mess of a desk

 

[Mutt]

The question pertained to undergrad, not med school.


The only responses you've gotten are positive, and, surprise, they are all from married people (who are still married)!

OF COURSE you are going to miss out on many things if you get married as an undergrad (unless you're already "older"). Marriage, no matter how great or free one feels in such a relationship, demands a level of compromise. Granted, many people force themselves to believe that it is not really a compromise by saying that they don't have an interest in (blank) activity/experience - but that is a coping tactic. People who get married at such a young age do so because they don't want to be alone and they have grown so much with the person that they decide to marry that they end up very much complementing eachother in many regards. This is where the feeling of "(blank) is the only one for me" comes from.

Every choice is a trade-off. Yet, dow well you can swindle yourself into the advantages that one choice hold over another is up to you.

 

[mln]

I was married in July of this year, but my husband and I have been living together for 2 1/2 years and have been dating for 5. He was my first boyfriend, so I really don't know if I've missed out on anything and don't care. I prefer staying home and watching movies with him then hanging out with large groups or going to parties - I've always been a homebody though. My life with him is amazing and I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

[Zoom-Zoom]

The question pertained to undergrad, not med school.


The only responses you've gotten are positive, and, surprise, they are all from married people (who are still married)!

OF COURSE you are going to miss out on many things if you get married as an undergrad (unless you're already "older"). Marriage, no matter how great or free one feels in such a relationship, demands a level of compromise. Granted, many people force themselves to believe that it is not really a compromise by saying that they don't have an interest in (blank) activity/experience - but that is a coping tactic. People who get married at such a young age do so because they don't want to be alone and they have grown so much with the person that they decide to marry that they end up very much complementing eachother in many regards. This is where the feeling of "(blank) is the only one for me" comes from.

Every choice is a trade-off. Yet, dow well you can swindle yourself into the advantages that one choice hold over another is up to you.

Wow you certainly have it all figured out! I would be careful about all those generalizations. There is no one reason why people get married and why people fall in love and why people say marriage isn't a compromise. Personally I am not married, but I have absolutely no interest in "partying" or the "college expereince" either. Now, is that a "coping tactic" for something too? In reality, some people see through all the crap that Americans call college, and a lot of them are married because a) people who choose to be married also tend to choose more "mature" lifestyles in other respects and b) maybe marriage itself makes people grow up a bit. I would hardly call these "coping tactics". Too many keg stands for you, my friend

 

[Mutt]

Wow you certainly have it all figured out! I would be careful about all those generalizations. There is no one reason why people get married and why people fall in love and why people say marriage isn't a compromise.

I didn't say people. I was more specific; I said young[\b] people.

Personally I am not married, but I have absolutely no interest in "partying" or the "college expereince" either. Now, is that a "coping tactic" for something too?

Of course. But I didn't use the words "college experience" or "partying" - those were your generalizations.

In reality, some people see through all the crap that Americans call college, and a lot of them are married because a) people who choose to be married also tend to choose more "mature" lifestyles in other respects and b) maybe marriage itself makes people grow up a bit. I would hardly call these "coping tactics". Too many keg stands for you, my friend

You're obviously fixated on college from a frat/sorority perspective (why is that?) - or as you put it, what "Americans call college." Rather than dole out lashings for your own fallacies and hypocrisy, I'd suggest we reason some more.


I (and I suspect many others) would be hard-pressed to believe that those who get married early in college are doing it because they are "mature." What is more likely, and something supported by years of documentation, is the standard trepidation and/or loneliness that many young people feel in a new, removed surrounding such as college. The tendency towards grasping for another human, and to a greater extent with the perception of permanence (i.e. marriage) is much more likely to be derived out of the experience of those conditions than any other you can point to.

Anecdotally, and this is purely from personal experience, many of those who get married young are either religious or a bit on the fringes of the many social atmospheres that college offers - keg stands or otherwise.

 

[medmom]

OMG MB shut up. You are obviously not married and you are probably one of those stupid premeds that I see in the hall that thinks he knows EVERYTHING and kinda makes me want to puke.
Maybe instead of "coping" we were all fortunate enough to marry young before we get the idealistic views that come with age, when you expect to find the "one". We married when we still had some plasticity and were capable of compromising. Rather than being an egotistical ass that thinks the world should cater to him. Or when you and your spouse are doing your thing and he is doing his thing because you still want your "own" life and "space". When 7 years down the road you realize that the "space" was a completely different world and now you have nothing in common.
Notice that as the average age for getting married has increased so has the divorce rate.
To the OP:
I was married at 19. I have been married now for 4 years. We have 3 kids and are happily "coping". Marraige makes you more mature than your "normal" counterparts whether you want it to or not. For me I think that being married in no way hindered my undergrad experience. Although having kids young did. I have never partied, I don't have that option anyways. Although, I think that my choice in lifestyle has kept we well rounded ad grounded.
MP DO NOT COMMENT ON MY POST I DON"T CARE FOR YOUR OPINION

 

[IDforMe]

I was married my entire undergraduate career, and as of today I am approaching six years of happy marriage. I never felt like I missed anything. Granted, my situation was a little different as my husband worked the night shift, so while I was at school all day he was at home sleeping and when I would get home from school, we would eat dinner together and then he would go off to work and I would be left home alone to study.

Pros to this situation:
peace and quiet to study
getting to live the single social life with friends
not getting on each others nerves from seeing each other TOO much

Cons would be:
having to do all the housework by myself, in addition to my homework
having to also work part time in addtion to the housework and homework
feeling lonely at times
always sleeping alone (damn third shift)

While I am not married, I have lived with my boyfriend for almost 5 years. He worked third shift for the first 4 years of this. Timmy what you just posted is very familiar. I feel EXACTLY the same with the Pros (although I didn't live up a single social life, I did go out with friends while my bf was at work). For the Cons, I have to say that feeling lonely at times definitely happened (I would have been more lonely without him, though) and sleeping alone is very difficult in this situation. I also had to work part time and do the housework in addition to going to school.... but I really can't complain as currently he handles most of the laundry (the one thing I never seem to keep up with).

As a subnote, for the past year my bf has been on 2nd shift. This is even worse. Dinner together is no longer an option, and when I stay up to see him, I suffer from exhaustion due to always going to bed at one in the morning and than getting up for work the next day.

But.... even with these negatives, I do not feel I have missed out on anything by living what is essentially a "married" life. My bf knows what I'm doing is important to me, and we work around this. Yes there is compromise. It exists in any type of healthy relationship. This does not mean you cannot still live your dreams. You now have someone cheering you on, while the other person also has someone to encourage them.

EDIT: Oh, and if it makes a difference even before meeting my boyfriend, I was never interested in the college experiences of frat parties and drinking, etc. I always felt a little removed from students my age and mostly had older friends (held true in high school too). I imagine this is because our interests were different-- I just couldn't relate well to people my own age. (This has become much less of a problem since my age group seems to be catching up to me maturity-wise, I guess.)

 

[SuzieQ3417]

I (and I suspect many others) would be hard-pressed to believe that those who get married early in college are doing it because they are "mature." What is more likely, and something supported by years of documentation, is the standard trepidation and/or loneliness that many young people feel in a new, removed surrounding such as college. The tendency towards grasping for another human, and to a greater extent with the perception of permanence (i.e. marriage) is much more likely to be derived out of the experience of those conditions than any other you can point to.

Anecdotally, and this is purely from personal experience, many of those who get married young are either religious or a bit on the fringes of the many social atmospheres that college offers - keg stands or otherwise.

Your post made me laugh. Those are some of the same stereotypes I used to have about married people, but I just don't think they are usually true. I got married over the summer at the age of 22, which by most people's standards would be considered young I suppose. I was in no way lonely and in need of someone to hold my hand. In fact, I am an outgoing and independent person. My husband (then boyfriend) and I did the long-distance thing for a year, so I felt like a normal college student during that time. We later moved in together, and he left for a semester to study-abroad. This was difficult, but it proved to me that I am not dependent on him, as you suggest, to feel happy and confident (but life is a hell of a lot better with him around).

Oh, and neither one of us is religious...at all, so that ruins your second theory. I do have a friend who just got married, though, who is extremely religious...so maybe there are a few examples out there to support your cause (although really, religious people also get married later in life, not necessarily always at a young age).

To the OP...I don't feel like I missed out on anything in college, except for the college dating scene, but whose really missing that? I still get my taste of it when I go out and drunken boys hit on me. My husband and I go out to the bars with our friends to grab a beer or play pool. We don't really do the club scene or the large frat/house parties, but everything else is about the same. I think you will find this with a lot of young married couples without children.

 

[benelswick]

partying, flunking, dating...done that.
married working studying....done that too.

Firstly, the happily married folk will preach their gospel with lovely platitudes of happy nesting to the unitiated ad infinitum until things go wrong for them if in fact they do go wrong.

Secondly, the single out for #1 pre-med maniac or solo flying non-codependent, person will exult in the lifestyle of free-living focus on their own activities.

Ultimately either situation is highly individual and cannot be generalized to the point of being useful in someone else's life.

--Ben

 

[Mutt]

partying, flunking, dating...done that.
married working studying....done that too.

Firstly, the happily married folk will preach their gospel with lovely platitudes of happy nesting to the unitiated ad infinitum until things go wrong for them if in fact they do go wrong.

Secondly, the single out for #1 pre-med maniac or solo flying non-codependent, person will exult in the lifestyle of free-living focus on their own activities.

Ultimately either situation is highly individual and cannot be generalized to the point of being useful in someone else's life.

--Ben

Well put.

Although I disagree with the broad stroke of individuality dictating these circumstances because there are in fact commonalities that can be surmised from the collective experience (whether they are consciously admitted or not).