KoolKeith

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My partner and mother of my child are thinking of splitting. We've been trying to work on things for a couple years, been to couples counseling and I've been to individual therapy. Our arguing is nasty and hurtful and I don't really want to be in the relationship anymore. I've been accepted to medical school to begin next fall, but am having serious doubts as to whether it's even realistic to go at this point. I would have no support in the immediate area. Closest family is an hour away. My partner would have to move away from her family and friends across the country which she says she is willing to do for school and residency but I don't think she really grasps the reality of actually going through with that. I don't want to give up the seat that I've worked so hard for but it's very important to me to be around for my child, and frankly I don't think I can trust my partner to follow me around for 8-ish years during school and residency. Would love to hear thought from anybody who may have been in a similar situation.


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sb247

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Part of the problem is custody. You won't usually be legally allowed to move a kid without permission from the other parent and I'd have trouble expecting a mom to allow it twice after you break up. Then if you can't move the kid with you, you get stuck with child support which you'll have trouble paying anything while living on loans.

After all that, you start looking at having enough time to be a dad. Try to avoid schools with mandatory lecture. Remember that childcare costs when in class are allowable increases to student loan amounts.

Get that commitment to move in writing. Get 50% custody with no exchange of child support in writing.
 

DocJanItor

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Congrats on being accepted!

That being said, it sounds like this is both a gift and a curse. If your relationship is already on the rocks, the odds are that med school will only make things worse. Given the logistical problems you're likely to face, you may want to consider a deferral, if at all possible. It would give you time to sort out your situation and determine if you'll have the capability to be a med student and a single dad.

Additionally, not sure if you're still in the application cycle this year, but perhaps you'll get some other acceptances that are geographically more desireable.

Hope you can find a way to make things work out.
 
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Custody will be an issue. State's think very highly of themselves when it comes to family law; ie, if you are in XX state now and someone files for a standard possession order, they will basically disregard anything from other states you may move to. Sadly, you will likely need to decide what is more important to you, med school or maximum time with your kid, because you probably won't be able to have both. Even if you had a perfect relationship it would be hard to spend time with your child during med school. The defacto judgement in family court will be joint conservatorship, with the mom (assuming she can demonstrate even moderate ability to care for the child) being the primary conservator. If you are seriously considering separating, you need to talk to a qualified family attorney immediately to be made fully aware of the ramifications.
 
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KoolKeith

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Thanks for all the replies. I've already deferred for a year and moved across the country to the city where the school is located. She and the baby are still on the west coast. After being accepted last fall we took about 8 months to talk about the realities of going down this path. At one point I had decided to not go because I thought it would be too stressful for the family but she consistently encouraged me to do it.
Now that I've moved things have come to a head and I feel like I'm in a no win situation. I can continue with the plan, have her and the baby move here, stay in a borderline verbally abusive relationship and go to school. Or break up now before she moves out here, quit my new job, sell our new house and limp back out west with no job, no place to live, far from my family, but be out of the crappy relationship and be able to spend time with the baby.
It's definitely a tough situation. I am looking into legal and psychological counseling.


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ThoracicGuy

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Thanks for all the replies. I've already deferred for a year and moved across the country to the city where the school is located. She and the baby are still on the west coast. After being accepted last fall we took about 8 months to talk about the realities of going down this path. At one point I had decided to not go because I thought it would be too stressful for the family but she consistently encouraged me to do it.
Now that I've moved things have come to a head and I feel like I'm in a no win situation. I can continue with the plan, have her and the baby move here, stay in a borderline verbally abusive relationship and go to school. Or break up now before she moves out here, quit my new job, sell our new house and limp back out west with no job, no place to live, far from my family, but be out of the crappy relationship and be able to spend time with the baby.
It's definitely a tough situation. I am looking into legal and psychological counseling.


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Just know that if you give up your seat, your chances of reacceptance are significantly lower in the future. Have you and her considered her moving, but still a split up? That way you are both in the same location for your child?
 
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KoolKeith

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Just know that if you give up your seat, your chances of reacceptance are significantly lower in the future. Have you and her considered her moving, but still a split up? That way you are both in the same location for your child?
We have considered that as an option. My only fear would be her wanting to move back or something while I'm in the middle of school. Not sure if she could do that but it'd be pretty stressful.


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ThoracicGuy

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We have considered that as an option. My only fear would be her wanting to move back or something while I'm in the middle of school. Not sure if she could do that but it'd be pretty stressful.


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If you have joint custody, I suspect she wouldn't be able to do so. But if she tried to move and you forced her to not then when it comes time for you to go to residency, unless its in the same town you may be forced to stay and that could definitely affect your career. If you do split, I would try to get an agreement that she would support you going to residency training no matter the location you match. Perhaps you could compromise by giving her a chance to approve cities/areas that would be acceptable for her as well.
 

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My partner and mother of my child are thinking of splitting. We've been trying to work on things for a couple years, been to couples counseling and I've been to individual therapy. Our arguing is nasty and hurtful and I don't really want to be in the relationship anymore. I've been accepted to medical school to begin next fall, but am having serious doubts as to whether it's even realistic to go at this point. I would have no support in the immediate area. Closest family is an hour away. My partner would have to move away from her family and friends across the country which she says she is willing to do for school and residency but I don't think she really grasps the reality of actually going through with that. I don't want to give up the seat that I've worked so hard for but it's very important to me to be around for my child, and frankly I don't think I can trust my partner to follow me around for 8-ish years during school and residency. Would love to hear thought from anybody who may have been in a similar situation.


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Very, very sorry to hear this, OP. I can't speak tot he legal aspects, but I can tell you that I've had single moms as students, and they have made it through.

Good luck!
 
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Crayola227

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bummer...

sounds like something has to give. Marriage. Baby. Career.

I think you need to put your career first. Sounds cold, children are everything, yada yada.

Careers are a plan for now until age 67 or retirement or disability. Children aren't legally beholden to you past 18, beyond that there's no guarantee they haven't decided they hate your guts and will never speak to you again. Spouses have the shelf life of perishable stinky cheese, and you sadly have very little control over how much they try to ruin your relationship with your children.

You could pass up med school, move to whatever state(s) she moves to in the next 18 years to be nearby, and 8 years from now she might manage to move to England to be with her online fiance and take the kid with her.

If you prioritize your career now, you will be in a better place 7 years from now, depending on how you plan things, to be right where your child is, with resources and if you take a big pay cut, still ample time and money to make the most of your child's remaining childhood (and avoid the scenario where they want nothing to do with you. Hint, this is more likely if you subject them to an unhappy marriage or they get it in their heads your failed marriage and career are their fault, no matter what you say).

Is it the Brady Bunch plan to plan to swoop in later? No, but a marriage falling apart isn't either.

My first dad was in and out of my life up until I was 7 years old, and man, it doesn't take much time to make a big impression at that age. I loved him, I really did. The domestic violence and verbal abuse and fights and family drama going on around me? Still living those impressions down too.

The man that actually raised me, that I wish I had some Shakespearean words to describe how dear he is to me, didn't come into the picture until later.

Point is, early chaos and nearby abuse will scar this child. People wonder what bond they'll make with a kid though, if they're only getting some visits, weekends, summers, when they're young. If you do it right and mindfully, a strong and positive one. How much catching up can you do past that time? A lot.

I just worry, if you sacrifice career, you will end up with nothing. No marriage, career, or even good relationship with your child to show for it.

Ultimately you know all the variables and can make the best decision. Just remember, your career is the one thing you have that you use to support YOU, and you have to take care of you to take care of others.

People think they'll have a spouse, kids, family, waiting for them if they don't have career, lose their jobs, their health. That's great when other people play along. When they don't? Better to be the one everyone turns to.
 

Crayola227

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Also, it's not the end of the world if you don't go to med school. I know that sounds like heresy, and it's somewhat easier to say having gone than not having gone, but really.
 

Crayola227

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Lastly, based on your post, your marriage is over. It's time for damage control. I don't know if that's packing up to med school, finding a different career, but it is NOT taking this ticking time bomb marriage with you to medical school.

Medical school breaks healthy people and healthy marriages. If people are lucky, those things don't break medical school, but they do all the time.

An already failing marriage will NOT survive medical school.

You don't have time for major personal life problems like sorting out a divorce and childcare in the middle. You don't have much time for a functional personal life, let alone major life problems. (actually, there are plenty of people who deal with that implosion during medical school, but some don't make it as a result. Usually in a divorce with kids scenario where the student/resident continues, the kids end up elsewhere).

Plenty of people on here will have tales of triumph. That's not the problem. The problem is, all the people I know who faced all sorts of personal, career, financial, and health ruin when they embarked on the 7 year plan, and crashed due to what might have been normal life stuff in a different educational and occupational circumstance.
 
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KoolKeith

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bummer...

sounds like something has to give. Marriage. Baby. Career.

I think you need to put your career first. Sounds cold, children are everything, yada yada.

Careers are a plan for now until age 67 or retirement or disability. Children aren't legally beholden to you past 18, beyond that there's no guarantee they haven't decided they hate your guts and will never speak to you again. Spouses have the shelf life of perishable stinky cheese, and you sadly have very little control over how much they try to ruin your relationship with your children.

You could pass up med school, move to whatever state(s) she moves to in the next 18 years to be nearby, and 8 years from now she might manage to move to England to be with her online fiance and take the kid with her.

If you prioritize your career now, you will be in a better place 7 years from now, depending on how you plan things, to be right where your child is, with resources and if you take a big pay cut, still ample time and money to make the most of your child's remaining childhood (and avoid the scenario where they want nothing to do with you. Hint, this is more likely if you subject them to an unhappy marriage or they get it in their heads your failed marriage and career are their fault, no matter what you say).

Is it the Brady Bunch plan to plan to swoop in later? No, but a marriage falling apart isn't either.

My first dad was in and out of my life up until I was 7 years old, and man, it doesn't take much time to make a big impression at that age. I loved him, I really did. The domestic violence and verbal abuse and fights and family drama going on around me? Still living those impressions down too.

The man that actually raised me, that I wish I had some Shakespearean words to describe how dear he is to me, didn't come into the picture until later.

Point is, early chaos and nearby abuse will scar this child. People wonder what bond they'll make with a kid though, if they're only getting some visits, weekends, summers, when they're young. If you do it right and mindfully, a strong and positive one. How much catching up can you do past that time? A lot.

I just worry, if you sacrifice career, you will end up with nothing. No marriage, career, or even good relationship with your child to show for it.

Ultimately you know all the variables and can make the best decision. Just remember, your career is the one thing you have that you use to support YOU, and you have to take care of you to take care of others.

People think they'll have a spouse, kids, family, waiting for them if they don't have career, lose their jobs, their health. That's great when other people play along. When they don't? Better to be the one everyone turns to.
You make a good point regarding career vs family. I was actually thinking that too, but I already have a career as a pharmacist so it's not like I need med school for the money. It was more for personal interest and career satisfaction. However I don't know if that's worth the risk of the personal destruction you mentioned.


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sb247

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You make a good point regarding career vs family. I was actually thinking that too, but I already have a career as a pharmacist so it's not like I need med school for the money. It was more for personal interest and career satisfaction. However I don't know if that's worth the risk of the personal destruction you mentioned.


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I'm going to disagree wholeheartedly with career first. You have a responsibility to that kid, regardless kf your inability to reconcile with the mother.

I'n working on my third career, none of them are more important than my obligations to my children. Careers are tools to meet that obligation, not an excuse to escape it
 

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Child first. Every time I made a choice that was not focused on what was best for him (my son), my life was a @#$ter.

Conversely, every time I made choices that were in the best interests of my son (thankfully, more than not), my life in the short term may not have been so happy, but long term? Right decision.

Frankly, unless you are 40 with a young baby, med school is still an option for you when the child is grown up.
 
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KoolKeith

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Child first. Every time I made a choice that was not focused on what was best for him (my son), my life was a @#$ter.

Conversely, every time I made choices that were in the best interests of my son (thankfully, more than not), my life in the short term may not have been so happy, but long term? Right decision.

Frankly, unless you are 40 with a young baby, med school is still an option for you when the child is grown up.
I'll be past 35 when I matriculate so school is pretty much now or never for me. I tend to agree though, the baby is really important to me


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I'm 53, my friend is an MS-3 and turning 57 :) Be the best person your child will grow up emulating. If you decide to do med school later, I can tell you from personal experience, children respect that too.
 

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Considering you have a good career already, I say absolutely put your kid first and relationship second, even if that is negotiating a break that is at smooth as possible. If you really had no career to fall back on, it would be a different story. Frankly, it's insane to me to see advise to put your career first because kids will survive if you abandon them.
 
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Crayola227

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Listen, I'm not suggesting abandonment, just that when a marriage is toast, it's time to walk away from the marriage. Staying in a bad marriage does not help kids. It just doesn't. Ask all the kids raised by parents that stayed together when they should have gotten a divorce.

Often a divorce means seeing your kid less. Quality over quantity is what I say here. Better to have quality family drama free weekends, then to just add in the time you have off work during the week filled with secondhand experiences of verbal abuse for the kid M-F.

Sometimes and maybe not in this instance, putting career first is putting your kid first. Sometimes it means you can spend more time with them later as you have made yourself personally and financially more stable by getting a divorce and pursuing career, think long term.

Additionally, I am saying that you have to find a balance between family and career. Putting yourself second isn't always putting them first. They fly the nest, and your relationship with them and with yourself is something that will likely endure for life.
 

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pm me if you need a better idea of the legal outlook. Avatar is me preparing to unleash a hot fireball of lawyer justice.
 
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12glaucoma34

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My partner and mother of my child are thinking of splitting. We've been trying to work on things for a couple years, been to couples counseling and I've been to individual therapy. Our arguing is nasty and hurtful and I don't really want to be in the relationship anymore. I've been accepted to medical school to begin next fall, but am having serious doubts as to whether it's even realistic to go at this point. I would have no support in the immediate area. Closest family is an hour away. My partner would have to move away from her family and friends across the country which she says she is willing to do for school and residency but I don't think she really grasps the reality of actually going through with that. I don't want to give up the seat that I've worked so hard for but it's very important to me to be around for my child, and frankly I don't think I can trust my partner to follow me around for 8-ish years during school and residency. Would love to hear thought from anybody who may have been in a similar situation.


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This is a little dishonest, but couldn't the OP move his wife and child with him for one year to establish residency in that state. Then file for divorce so she won't have the right to move back home with the child. Then the only fight would come when applying to residency, but you'll likely have more options to be close.
 

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It's not dishonest, it's downright smarmy and sets a terrible example for the child.
Word of the day: Smarmy - ingratiating and wheedling in a way that is perceived as insincere or excessive

The child and the spouse wouldn't have to know of the plan. In the long run, this would be better for the child since the father wouldn't be away for four years.
 

Crayola227

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the **** over move occurred to me, but besides being morally wrong, it's likely to backfire anyway

yeah, I mean, you can only **** over the child's mother so hard and not have the kid hate you for it

ppl seem to forget that just because you stop loving the other parent doesn't mean the kid does and you can just do whatever you want to them without repercussions
 

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The child and the spouse wouldn't have to know of the plan.
It scares me that you're giving this advice but moreso that you want to be a physician:confused:
 

Crayola227

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Word of the day: Smarmy - ingratiating and wheedling in a way that is perceived as insincere or excessive

The child and the spouse wouldn't have to know of the plan. In the long run, this would be better for the child since the father wouldn't be away for four years.
ridiculous, the thought of "did you do this on purpose??" is of course going to occur to her if he pulls this move, the timing is a little convenient, don't you think?

and it will be enough for her to suspect and tell the kid about it... the kid can do the math later too, that it seems awful convenient
 
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ridiculous, the thought of "did you do this on purpose??"
The mother ALSO has to take the high road to make sure no harm happens to the child.

It is not on this particular OP father's shoulders, it is on hers as well to do right by her child. To me, this is a no brainer if I were the mom.

Divorce. Stay where the father is in med school. Do what you can to support him emotionally while building her own life. Eventually ALL that right decision making will = a well adjusted child with two parents who don't love each other but love the child enough to be well adjusted adults.

My own son never knew why his father and I split. Spewing hate about the man never seemed like a good idea for me (down brings more down) or for my son... thankfully, my son turned out to be a pretty decent young man.
 

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You all are responding as if you're reasonable people. The emotions of a breakup often lead to quite UNreasonable actions, even going so far as to be self destructive. If she's already verbally abusive, chances are high that she doesn't have solid control of her emotional state. Screwing her is not going to end well for anyone (literally and figuratively).

Still, this is far beyond what we can predict. Only OP knows enough to weigh the outcomes.

Personally, if I was in the same situation, I'd drop med school and remain in pharmacy. It's a solid career with good earnings, good job opportunities, and a decent bit of growth. Live in the area of your child and either fix your marriage or get out. The decision to have a child is one that places their well being ahead of your own, and I couldn't justify spending years away from my child just to appease my own career aspirations.
 
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12glaucoma34

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It scares me that you're giving this advice but moreso that you want to be a physician:confused:
That wasn't my advice, I was just asking. My advice is that if ending the marriage is not avoidable, then try to have her move with you will you attend school. Also, the spouse likely knows things aren't good and may be making her own plans privately too. That is called life.

Does anyone honestly believe an ex-wife/husband would move all the way across the country away from family to help support the ex schooling? I find that very very unlikely.
 
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ridiculous, the thought of "did you do this on purpose??" is of course going to occur to her if he pulls this move, the timing is a little convenient, don't you think?

and it will be enough for her to suspect and tell the kid about it... the kid can do the math later too, that it seems awful convenient
:rolleyes: Since people never get divorced during medical school, that must have been the plan.
 

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@DocJanItor - I am a single parent who did exactly what I suggested. To the letter. Things worked out just fine though they were not always easy, stable or secure, in the end, my son ended up balanced and hopefully, I'm still headed to med school.
 

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The mother ALSO has to take the high road to make sure no harm happens to the child.

It is not on this particular OP father's shoulders, it is on hers as well to do right by her child. To me, this is a no brainer if I were the mom.

Divorce. Stay where the father is in med school. Do what you can to support him emotionally while building her own life. Eventually ALL that right decision making will = a well adjusted child with two parents who don't love each other but love the child enough to be well adjusted adults.

My own son never knew why his father and I split. Spewing hate about the man never seemed like a good idea for me (down brings more down) or for my son... thankfully, my son turned out to be a pretty decent young man.
I agree with all of this, but that requires two rational people. In reality, this rarely happens. It seems to me, if being that supportive of each other was possible, the marriage wouldn't be in its current state.
 

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Does anyone honestly believe an ex-wife/husband would move all the way across the country away from family to help support the ex schooling? I find that very very unlikely.
Well, gosh, I think there are lots of people who can and do behave quite rationally when breaking up. That does not mean it's easy or smooth but I do believe it can and does happen. I would have moved to Buffalo had my son's father been able to complete the combine after playing D1 football.

And if she were to do the right (support him) and if she were to take the long view, he's going to be a doctor and that child is going to grow up with a divorced but stable family with a father who is a doctor.

I agree with all of this, but that requires two rational people. In reality, this rarely happens. It seems to me, if being that supportive of each other was possible, the marriage wouldn't be in its current state.
I disagree. People change especially younger people in their 20's who get to late 20's and find that what turned their crank at 22 doesn't do so much at 28, 29, 30, etc.

That doesn't mean one doesn't love the other, it simply means the needs/wants changed.
 

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You all are responding as if you're reasonable people. The emotions of a breakup often lead to quite UNreasonable actions, even going so far as to be self destructive. If she's already verbally abusive, chances are high that she doesn't have solid control of her emotional state. Screwing her is not going to end well for anyone (literally and figuratively).

Still, this is far beyond what we can predict. Only OP knows enough to weigh the outcomes.

Personally, if I was in the same situation, I'd drop med school and remain in pharmacy. It's a solid career with good earnings, good job opportunities, and a decent bit of growth. Live in the area of your child and either fix your marriage or get out. The decision to have a child is one that places their well being ahead of your own, and I couldn't justify spending years away from my child just to appease my own career aspirations.
I'm not sure how a marriage can be fixed if it is fundamentally flawed.
 

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Well, gosh, I think there are lots of people who can and do behave quite rationally when breaking up. That does not mean it's easy or smooth but I do believe it can and does happen. I would have moved to Buffalo had my son's father been able to complete the combine after playing D1 football.

And if she were to do the right (support him) and if she were to take the long view, he's going to be a doctor and that child is going to grow up with a divorced but stable family with a father who is a doctor.
Don't hate me. I wouldn't mislead my spouse like this (not specifying whether I'm personally married, single, or have children). I was just curious. I didn't think I would be scolded for asking.

I wouldn't be surprised if there are more people who don't behave rationally and not moving across the country away from family doesn't mean you are being irrational either.
 

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I don't hate you @12glaucoma34 but you must realize how awful your suggestion sounded... and it did sound like a suggestion.

Sadly, many don't act in the best interests of the children when divorcing, even those who proclaim to love their kids more than anything (Angelina Jolie, for instance - if she really held those kids in the highest esteem, she'd have never dragged her soon to be ex through the mud - no matter how much of a pothead Pitt might, or might not, be; that was best left in private where the relationship could be salvaged for the sake of the kids she and he proclaim to love so much).

I'm not sure how a marriage can be fixed if it is fundamentally flawed.
It can't be. But the kids need not suffer just because the parents can't fix their relationship.
 

12glaucoma34

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I don't hate you @12glaucoma34 but you must realize how awful your suggestion sounded... and it did sound like a suggestion.

Sadly, many don't act in the best interests of the children when divorcing, even those who proclaim to love their kids more than anything (Angelina Jolie, for instance - if she really held those kids in the highest esteem, she'd have never dragged her soon to be ex through the mud - no matter how much of a pothead Pitt might, or might not, be; that was best left in private where the relationship could be salvaged for the sake of the kids she and he proclaim to love so much).
Yes, once you have children there will always be a connection. Working together is easier for everyone, ESPECIALLY THE CHILDREN. Children feel incredible pain and terror when they watch their parents fight and stress when a parent complains to them about their former spouse. Not fair at all to the child.
 
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DocJanItor

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@DocJanItor - I am a single parent who did exactly what I suggested. To the letter. Things worked out just fine though they were not always easy, stable or secure, in the end, my son ended up balanced and hopefully, I'm still headed to med school.
I'm glad it's working out for you, but you took care of all of this stuff long before you attempted to go to med school. I don't think anything in this situation is unresolvable by itself, but the timing and logistics just makes it extremely difficult.
 

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I'm glad it's working out for you
I kicked my son's father out when my son was 6 months old; the father died at 44, 3 days before his 45th birthday, 4 weeks before my son turned 21. On his deathbed is where my son met him (meet/greet/say goodbye). I drove 3600 miles in less than 72 hours to make sure that happened.

Worked out? Not easily but one of us had to be the adult and do the right thing by our son. I did. Was it ever, on any day, easy? No, not ever.

And, I might add, I'm fervently hoping I can get some school on my list of 25+ to show me some love. At 53, as of yesterday.

So, as I was saying, do the right thing by the child.
 

mw18

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I say you explain to her how terrible the situation would be if your universally considered rocky marriage fell apart without some assurances to be near/follow you through residency. Explain to her that you completely understand that she may not want to commit to that, but that if she is then due to your rocky relationship you'd like it in writing so that you're not 6 figures in debt and three years into medical school when you have to choose between your son and the debt/your future as a doctor. If she won't agree to this, then stay a pharmacist and go back west. Pharmacist + location of your son >>>>> medicine and a long distance dad.
 
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Esquire

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This is a little dishonest, but couldn't the OP move his wife and child with him for one year to establish residency in that state. Then file for divorce so she won't have the right to move back home with the child. Then the only fight would come when applying to residency, but you'll likely have more options to be close.
This is actually one of the options any family lawyer who isn't committing legal malpractice would suggest. 90% of any fight is jurisdiction. You can bet his ex's lawyer will be fighting tooth and nail for jurisdiction. There was a celebrity divorce and custody case where the dad filed on the west coast, the couple got back together, he retracted the case, and then the mom immediately filed on the east coast. All's fair in love and war.
 

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Part of the problem is custody. You won't usually be legally allowed to move a kid without permission from the other parent and I'd have trouble expecting a mom to allow it twice after you break up. Then if you can't move the kid with you, you get stuck with child support which you'll have trouble paying anything while living on loans.

After all that, you start looking at having enough time to be a dad. Try to avoid schools with mandatory lecture. Remember that childcare costs when in class are allowable increases to student loan amounts.

Get that commitment to move in writing. Get 50% custody with no exchange of child support in writing.
He describes his partner as verbally abusive. What are the odds of her agreeing to anything? If anything, she's going to financially, legally, and emotionally abuse him. He needs to get a legal advice ASAP before breaking up with her or else it's very probable she's going to go nuclear on him and exercise all her options, including withholding visitation, abuse claims, etc. Just flying back and forth across the country for court dates is going to kill him.
 

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the **** over move occurred to me, but besides being morally wrong, it's likely to backfire anyway

yeah, I mean, you can only **** over the child's mother so hard and not have the kid hate you for it

ppl seem to forget that just because you stop loving the other parent doesn't mean the kid does and you can just do whatever you want to them without repercussions
Morals have nothing to do with nothing. There is the possibility he may never see his kid. He has to protect his rights to the fullest extent. Which is not unlike when we order most CTs for patients. We could just wait and see and possibly get screwed. Or we could just expose them to unnecessary radiation.
 

12glaucoma34

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This is actually one of the options any family lawyer who isn't committing legal malpractice would suggest. 90% of any fight is jurisdiction. You can bet his ex's lawyer will be fighting tooth and nail for jurisdiction. There was a celebrity divorce and custody case where the dad filed on the west coast, the couple got back together, he retracted the case, and then the mom immediately filed on the east coast. All's fair in love and war.
Yes. Hypothetically, imagine if the spouse and her family are the most hateful and malicious group of individuals in America. They have no limit of financial resources and will fight the OP on everything. If he knows this is the case and they will be unreasonable, I can't say moving his child away from that environment is a bad thing. It is a little dishonest, but may actually be better for the child.
 
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I say you explain to her how terrible the situation would be if your universally considered rocky marriage fell apart without some assurances to be near/follow you through residency. Explain to her that you completely understand that she may not want to commit to that, but that if she is then due to your rocky relationship you'd like it in writing so that you're not 6 figures in debt and three years into medical school when you have to choose between your son and the debt/your future as a doctor. If she won't agree to this, then stay a pharmacist and go back west. Pharmacist + location of your son >>>>> medicine and a long distance dad.
Yes. Hypothetically, imagine if the spouse and her family are the most hateful and malicious group of individuals in America. They have no limit of financial resources and will fight the OP on everything. If he knows this is the case and they will be unreasonable, I can't say moving his child away from that environment is a bad thing. It is a little dishonest, but may actually be better for the child.
I appreciate the discussion. Not looking for answers here, but nice to vent a little and hear different perspectives.

Just to clarify, I've already moved and it's pretty much too late for her and the baby to not move also. They are scheduled to be here in two weeks so it's not like we will be long distance. When she's not angry she can say things that are very reasonable. When she does get angry it's so intense that she says she loses her vision and often doesn't remember/denies the nasty things that she says.

In the past she has said that she's fine with moving here but living separately while I'm in school, and then following me wherever I get a residency. The problem is, I don't think I can really trust her to follow through with what she says, at least without strings attached. It took me about 8 months after my acceptance to decide to do this. For awhile I had decided I wasn't going to go through with it because I was worried about this very situation and the affect it would have on the baby. I also thought that without the stress of uprooting our lives maybe we could continue with our routine, work on things and the relationship would survive. But she kept urging me to do it, saying I would regret it if I didn't and possibly be resentful. So I decided to go for it. Before I left she remained supportive and said she was fine with everything. After I got here and bought a new house she demanded an apology for making her move away from her family and friends. She wouldn't accept my initial apology and demanded that I read a apology that she wrote for me, which I thought was insane.

The dilemma now is that I will have her in this new house that I bought in a strange city where she doesn't know anyone and has no job. If I don't go to school after all this she is going to be livid. I'm not sure that she would be too willing to do much of anything to ensure that I get to see the baby. I almost feel like I don't have much choice but to go to school at this point. Assuming we split and I can get her agreement to follow me in writing, even if she cooperates enough to be cordial, I highly doubt that she will offer support of any kind. The consensus on SDN seems to be that some kind of support is essential for success in med school so definitely not the ideal situation.
 

sb247

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I appreciate the discussion. Not looking for answers here, but nice to vent a little and hear different perspectives.

Just to clarify, I've already moved and it's pretty much too late for her and the baby to not move also. They are scheduled to be here in two weeks so it's not like we will be long distance. When she's not angry she can say things that are very reasonable. When she does get angry it's so intense that she says she loses her vision and often doesn't remember/denies the nasty things that she says.

In the past she has said that she's fine with moving here but living separately while I'm in school, and then following me wherever I get a residency. The problem is, I don't think I can really trust her to follow through with what she says, at least without strings attached. It took me about 8 months after my acceptance to decide to do this. For awhile I had decided I wasn't going to go through with it because I was worried about this very situation and the affect it would have on the baby. I also thought that without the stress of uprooting our lives maybe we could continue with our routine, work on things and the relationship would survive. But she kept urging me to do it, saying I would regret it if I didn't and possibly be resentful. So I decided to go for it. Before I left she remained supportive and said she was fine with everything. After I got here and bought a new house she demanded an apology for making her move away from her family and friends. She wouldn't accept my initial apology and demanded that I read a apology that she wrote for me, which I thought was insane.

The dilemma now is that I will have her in this new house that I bought in a strange city where she doesn't know anyone and has no job. If I don't go to school after all this she is going to be livid. I'm not sure that she would be too willing to do much of anything to ensure that I get to see the baby. I almost feel like I don't have much choice but to go to school at this point. Assuming we split and I can get her agreement to follow me in writing, even if she cooperates enough to be cordial, I highly doubt that she will offer support of any kind. The consensus on SDN seems to be that some kind of support is essential for success in med school so definitely not the ideal situation.
Once they are in state with you, get that all in writing with a lawyer if you are going to break up. If it becomes part of the custody agreement she legally doesn't get to not do it without going to court

And if you can't get her to agree to move to residency later you can just do a residency nearby, maybe less options than going nationawide but you can still be with your kid
 

sb247

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He describes his partner as verbally abusive. What are the odds of her agreeing to anything? If anything, she's going to financially, legally, and emotionally abuse him. He needs to get a legal advice ASAP before breaking up with her or else it's very probable she's going to go nuclear on him and exercise all her options, including withholding visitation, abuse claims, etc. Just flying back and forth across the country for court dates is going to kill him.
"In writing"' meant a legal agreement, I'm not suggesting they jot down notes on a napkin
 
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12glaucoma34

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12glaucoma34

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I appreciate the discussion. Not looking for answers here, but nice to vent a little and hear different perspectives.

Just to clarify, I've already moved and it's pretty much too late for her and the baby to not move also. They are scheduled to be here in two weeks so it's not like we will be long distance. When she's not angry she can say things that are very reasonable. When she does get angry it's so intense that she says she loses her vision and often doesn't remember/denies the nasty things that she says.

In the past she has said that she's fine with moving here but living separately while I'm in school, and then following me wherever I get a residency. The problem is, I don't think I can really trust her to follow through with what she says, at least without strings attached. It took me about 8 months after my acceptance to decide to do this. For awhile I had decided I wasn't going to go through with it because I was worried about this very situation and the affect it would have on the baby. I also thought that without the stress of uprooting our lives maybe we could continue with our routine, work on things and the relationship would survive. But she kept urging me to do it, saying I would regret it if I didn't and possibly be resentful. So I decided to go for it. Before I left she remained supportive and said she was fine with everything. After I got here and bought a new house she demanded an apology for making her move away from her family and friends. She wouldn't accept my initial apology and demanded that I read a apology that she wrote for me, which I thought was insane.

The dilemma now is that I will have her in this new house that I bought in a strange city where she doesn't know anyone and has no job. If I don't go to school after all this she is going to be livid. I'm not sure that she would be too willing to do much of anything to ensure that I get to see the baby. I almost feel like I don't have much choice but to go to school at this point. Assuming we split and I can get her agreement to follow me in writing, even if she cooperates enough to be cordial, I highly doubt that she will offer support of any kind. The consensus on SDN seems to be that some kind of support is essential for success in med school so definitely not the ideal situation.
Thank you for being receptive to discussion and different perspectives, many on SDN are not this way.

The craziness of her swings is almost comical, but this situation is not funny and I'm sorry you have to deal with this. At this point and based on the information provided, I would recommend to continue with attending medical school and living with her. If she continues to act this way and doesn't change over the next year, leaving her between M1 and M2 would be the ideal time. By this time, she (with child) has established residency in your new area. Part of the problem on her part is she pushed you to do this, so don't feel bad if you know you're going to leave her, but aren't going to do it at this exact moment. Give it a good faith effort for things to work out before ending the marriage.

There are far more residency locations than medical schools, being close for that shouldn't be as much of a problem.
 
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