Med. School Impossible W/out Supportive Husband?

[SwimSwam]

I completed my undergrad in neurosci with two preschoolers. Now, I'm heavily pondering med school and am planning to get started on refreshing my pre-reqs (which I took years ago, during my initial stint at college), as well as orgo & the MCATs.

My husband has a demanding job and is gone from morning to bedtime all week, plus he tends to have periods where he travels a lot. He's never been helpful at home with dishes, laundry, errands, cooking and the like. Don't get me wrong, he's a good husband, father and provider, he just doesn't lift a finger around the house - he's too wiped out.

My family doesn't live close by and his family only helps watch the children once in a while.

So, everything falls to me.

Given these circumstances, does it sound like med school would be impossible to handle? I feel like I managed to get my BS in this manner, but I'm getting the jitters about med school. I know that my kids will go to school full-time soon, but still, I wonder if I will be a horrible mother and never see my kids?

I'd like any opinions, please - the good, the bad and the ugly.

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[MaddieMay]

It would be good to hear how he's a good husband so I can feel sympathy for this guy.

You can hire a nanny/housekeeper/someone who cooks, but is your husband too tired to pay attention to you?

 

[dr1day]

Well, I'm not married, but from talking to the married people in my class I will say this. You and your husband definitely need to sit down and talk about how med school will dramatically change your life. I know you got through undergrad doing school and everything else around the house, but med school is a different story. All of my married classmates say that their spouses (mostly husbands-there's only 4-5 married guys in my class and one of them is married to another one of our classmates) understand that they won't be available to cook dinner every night or they may have to stay late at school to study. Test weeks are especially rough. When you've got to learn what seems like 100 million bacteria, viruses, fungi, and protozoa plus the drugs that treat them, washing the dishes just isn't that high on your priority list. Your husband needs to understand that and be willing to pick up the slack. It can definitely be done. One of my classmates had a baby in September (she found out she was pregnant in January and found out she got into med school in April). Her husband has DEFINITELY been instrumental in making it possible for her to continue with school.

Anyway, I'll stop pontificating about something on which I have no first hand knowledge.

 

[lilnoelle]

Well, I'm a second year med student with two children and my husband isn't exactly what I'd consider supportive. He's not extremely busy like yours, he just chooses to be somewhat uninvolved in the household work and in taking care of the kids. He's a lot like his dad. I should've seen it coming, but I didn't. Anyway, I manage. Next year will have to be different. He's just gonna HAVE to step up. Theres no other way. I'm confident he will - he tends to come through when he HAS to, just not when he doesn't.

Anyway, its probably doable for that first two years, but once you hit third year of school and residency, theres just no way you can pull the entire load.

 

[SwimSwam]

Thank you all for the replies. That is very good to know.

I suppose I'll just have to let some things go - if the dishes don't get done, if we have to eat out, so be it! I was hoping that I could hire a maid and maybe sign up for a meal service, but we'll have to see. The cost of paying for med school (plus my undergrad loans) will be a factor in how much income we have left over.

A lot of paper plates and chinese food sound like they will be in my future if all goes well. Not a great example for my kids, but c'est la vie!

 

[nonesuchgirl]

Thank you all for the replies. That is very good to know.

I suppose I'll just have to let some things go - if the dishes don't get done, if we have to eat out, so be it! I was hoping that I could hire a maid and maybe sign up for a meal service, but we'll have to see. The cost of paying for med school (plus my undergrad loans) will be a factor in how much income we have left over.

A lot of paper plates and chinese food sound like they will be in my future if all goes well. Not a great example for my kids, but c'est la vie!

mac and cheese, hotdogs/whatever, veggies. easy and leftovers.
and spaghetti.

Also they are good on paper plates.

How old are your kids? Some stuff can be done by them?

 

[Luxian]

I'm not in school yet (will be starting this summer), but I have several friends who've made it through and I'll reiterate what some have already said.

The first two years will be hard work, but doable. Depending on the school you go to, you may have class all day (8-5) or just the morning (8-12) with studying time afterwards. Yes, you will need to study, but that kind of flexibility will allow you to still pick up the kids or take them to the doctor when you need to. Third year is where it gets rough. You have a lot of required rotations which are more than a full-time job. You might not get home till 10 or 11 and if that's the case, your husband will really have to step up. On the other hand, each rotation lasts 1-3 months, so you can organize it to spread out the really rough rotations with lighter ones. Fourth year is significantly easier than 3rd.

If your husband is okay with the general idea of you going back for an MD, those first two years can provide a way of ramping up so that he's not quite so shocked with the change. But also think about your options:
1) Apply to a school with a more flexible curriculum
2) Live near family
3) Go to a school that has daycare on campus or in the hospital

You CAN do it. It just takes some juggling!

 

[SwimSwam]

My kids are 3 and 4 about-to-be 5. The 5 year old is heading for kindergarten in the fall, so that will alleviate my preparation pressure. I anticipate that things will become much easier as they learn to care for themselves more.

 

[neoncandle]

I am finishing up my 3rd year of medical school and let me tell you that I have worked 36 hour shifts this 3 months out of the last year. So, I am not sure who would watch your kids during times like that. Hopefully you can afford to find someone who will help with the nitty-gritty (i.e. paid) since he works so much. Your grades will likely not be what they would had you less responsibility. But if you want to go into a less competitive residency this will not really be a problem. There is a girl in my class married to a lawyer and though he cannot help out a lot during the week, he pretty much takes the kid on the weekend so she can study.

Anyway, this is a huge investment in you.. huge... huge for both of your futures and you really need to sit down (when you actually get in) and talk about what it all means and make a decision together. Till then, i wouldn't worry too much.

 

[neoncandle]

P.S. take out enough loans to be comfortable. seriously. money issues plus kids plus medical school = major stress

 

[mshheaddoc]

Have to agree with neocandle. I can't see making the trip without a supportive husband and backup daycare in place. Coming from the other side (husband is currently in residency and I put my plans of med school on hold to support him) when I was in school and he was working so much I was completely stressed at how messy our house was, how things never got done, etc and we didn't have children yet. I don't know how we could have done it during intern year. Hopefully it will get better next year! Since we are planning on having children in the next few years while I apply as long as you can seriously tell yourself you're ok with a messy house, piles of clothes and dishes, then things will work out. If you can ... I might suggest having someone come in once a month for a thorough cleaning of the house. We have 7 animals and that could really be a help for us.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure you can do it!

 

[TexasRose]

I'm about to graduate from med school with 3 kids and a husband who works a lot. He traveled M-F for the first 6 months of med school until he found a job with minimal travel. We've had a couple of au pairs (live-in nannies) and a very reliable older teen babysitter to help us along the way. My kids are all school-age, but there's still the after school stuff and things like getting them out the door in the morning that are all but impossible when you are on time-intensive rotations in 3rd year. You will need help at that point, no doubt about it.

We've also had a housekeeper who cleans every other week for most of last 2 years. It's not cheap, but housework is so far down the list for me. I'd rather be helping my kids with homework or going to the park or taking a nap or chatting with my husband or doing just about anything during my freetime other than scrubbing toilets and mopping floors!

As long as your husband is supportive, willing to pay for the help that he can't/won't give around the house, then it's doable.

 

[brains]

I'm about to graduate from med school with 3 kids and a husband who works a lot. He traveled M-F for the first 6 months of med school until he found a job with minimal travel. We've had a couple of au pairs (live-in nannies) and a very reliable older teen babysitter to help us along the way. My kids are all school-age, but there's still the after school stuff and things like getting them out the door in the morning that are all but impossible when you are on time-intensive rotations in 3rd year. You will need help at that point, no doubt about it.

We've also had a housekeeper who cleans every other week for most of last 2 years. It's not cheap, but housework is so far down the list for me. I'd rather be helping my kids with homework or going to the park or taking a nap or chatting with my husband or doing just about anything during my freetime other than scrubbing toilets and mopping floors!

As long as your husband is supportive, willing to pay for the help that he can't/won't give around the house, then it's doable.

That's pretty much the same boat we're in. The OP's SO (and yours!) sounds a lot like mine. He cares about my schooling, but he doesn't really care too much about the house work. He's getting better though. I haven't been hustlin' and bustlin' like I used to do and becoming over obsessive like in the past. I think that's is where he's starting to see things. He's been doing more of the housework and taking care of our 8 mo. old baby girl. We already have a 5 yr old son who helps out also He doesn't work crazy hours like the two of yours do, but he has to go to work at 4 am everyday, so I know that must be crappy.

 

[shmrshines]

well, if single women can do it then women without supportive husbands should be able to do it to.

 

[arlingtonjohn77]

Let's be practical, Women nowadays are more independent and empowered.
They can go to medical school without the support of their husband.

But on the other hand, it is still good to have a supportive husband beside you, to guide you in every way. And in case you have kids, he can help you with any of your children needs.

Also, having a supportive husband lighten up your load & your families financial need/s will be supported.