med school is kinda hard for relationships

[murfettie]

almost all the married people in my class (all non-trad) are divorced now. not even 2 years in.
almost all the people who came in with boyfriends/girlfriends are broken up now. i'd say <20% are still together
i still have mine, despite the bicostal commute. sometimes it makes me scared. i wonder if break up is infectious.

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[handstanding]

Don't young people break up with their boyfriends and girlfriends all the time? Isn't it fairly normal that most of those relationships in your class didn't turn into life long partnerships?

As for the divorces, I can't really comment on that, other than to say that the divorce rate in general is quite high. I have no doubt med school is very hard on relationships, but that doesn't mean yours is doomed for that reason (and the divorced couples in your class may have divorced for reasons unrelated to school).

 

[QofQuimica]

almost all the married people in my class (all non-trad) are divorced now. not even 2 years in.
almost all the people who came in with boyfriends/girlfriends are broken up now. i'd say <20% are still together
i still have mine, despite the bicostal commute. sometimes it makes me scared. i wonder if break up is infectious.

Any time you subject a marriage to the kind of stress that you undergo as a medical student (and even moreso as a resident), it greatly exacerbates prior small problems. So if s/he is upset because you two don't spend enough time together, that problem just got worse. If s/he stays up nights worrying about finances, that problem just got worse. If s/he wants you to split the housekeeping/childcare/other chores more evenly, that problem just got worse. Some couples communicate and compromise well enough to overcome these kinds of stresses on the relationship, and others don't. If you're going to try to use the fates of the relationships of others in your class as data to prognosticate what will happen to your relationship, then I suggest focusing on how well your communication/compromise skills compare to those of the people who got divorced, rather than on how many of them got divorced. And if you feel like your relationship needs some help, consider counseling early on rather than after resentment has been festering for months or years.

 

[JourneyAgent]

Agree with all of this. It is hard on relationships. Mainly because it is a relationship. A new one. Kind of like a polyamorous threesome. Or if your were in one of those it becomes a small party. Not everyone gets down like that. Ok most people don't.

The priests and clerics of medicine jealously guard your attention and service to the new queen. They want monk like dedication. They want purity and idolatry. And the person in your life can't help feel crowded out by this monasticism.

Here's something that's not in the manual. If you want to be human and relate well to the people in your life your gonna have to give med school the double bird sometimes and endure the shaming of impurity in so doing. If your not comfortable doing that. Then you have yourself to blame.

Most people fail. And become entranced with medicine's witchcraft.

This is notably hard on new relationships. Which is why I wonder at the plans of late 20 and 30 something's who expect to find a mate, marry off, and procreate all in the span of medical training. As if cake and pie and ice cream can be had easily and without consequence.

A distance relationship might actually have a built in advantage that could be useful. An upside to the down of doing it.

 

[Snakes]

Any time you subject a marriage to the kind of stress that you undergo as a medical student (and even moreso as a resident), it greatly exacerbates prior small problems. So if s/he is upset because you two don't spend enough time together, that problem just got worse. If s/he stays up nights worrying about finances, that problem just got worse. If s/he wants you to split the housekeeping/childcare/other chores more evenly, that problem just got worse. Some couples communicate and compromise well enough to overcome these kinds of stresses on the relationship, and others don't. If you're going to try to use the fates of the relationships of others in your class as data to prognosticate what will happen to your relationship, then I suggest focusing on how well your communication/compromise skills compare to those of the people who got divorced, rather than on how many of them got divorced. And if you feel like your relationship needs some help, consider counseling early on rather than after resentment has been festering for months or years.

What Q said. Going back to any school full-time when you are a non-trad generally means someone has left a job and a source of income is gone. Most of us are two-income households nowadays. That creates financial stress. Anyone will tell you that financial stress can basically be a bomb in any relationship. Most people don't get divorced on a dime. I'm not sure if the OP is saying the non-trads were divorced when they came in, or they divorced after. I can tell you that most married people who pull the trigger on a divorce usually have been thinking about it for a long, long time. Med school might be "the straw" but it's not usually the cause.

 

[wholeheartedly]

Just curious, how long does it take you to come up with this stuff?

Agree with all of this. It is hard on relationships. Mainly because it is a relationship. A new one. Kind of like a polyamorous threesome. Or if your were in one of those it becomes a small party. Not everyone gets down like that. Ok most people don't.

The priests and clerics of medicine jealously guard your attention and service to the new queen. They want monk like dedication. They want purity and idolatry. And the person in your life can't help feel crowded out by this monasticism.

Here's something that's not in the manual. If you want to be human and relate well to the people in your life your gonna have to give med school the double bird sometimes and endure the shaming of impurity in so doing. If your not comfortable doing that. Then you have yourself to blame.

Most people fail. And become entranced with medicine's witchcraft.

This is notably hard on new relationships. Which is why I wonder at the plans of late 20 and 30 something's who expect to find a mate, marry off, and procreate all in the span of medical training. As if cake and pie and ice cream can be had easily and without consequence.

A distance relationship might actually have a built in advantage that could be useful. An upside to the down of doing it.

 

[JourneyAgent]

Just curious, how long does it take you to come up with this stuff?

These are snapshots of a continual self conversation. If it seems odd it's only because there are fewer of us in medical school. Those of us who like nick diaz and mike Tyson. And darkly scripted apocalyptic anti-hero narratives. Instead of clean, positively crafted disnified child friendly and mother approved stories.

The opportunity to imagine flipping birds at the hypocrisy of my captors happens spontaneously. But is clearly recycled comic book like themes. Unimpressive but enjoyable.

 

[JourneyAgent]

That last post was pointless to the thread but it did produce this one....that while perhaps equally useless is at least germane and perhaps also jemane (from flight of the conchords):

Be with somebody who lets you be. Profoundly. I wander about my apartment in socks and underwear muttering to myself. Studying medicine while maintaining a full habit of listening to stand-up all the time, watching documentaries, anti-religious intellectuals, psychonautical adventurism, old mike Tyson fights, podcasts, mma, and maintaining a solid yoga practice. I require ridiculous amounts of self-involved nonsense. To exist as me. A normal lady would have left long ago. And I would've wondered to myself: wasn't there a woman living here?

I exaggerate only slightly. But my partner likes the vibe I give her enough to be with me. I want her to be creative, independent, and have her own thing. And she does.

So if you have a needy person. Like most people. Then you're f@cked.

There. That's my positive constructivism for the day.

 

[kimposibl]

almost all the married people in my class (all non-trad) are divorced now. not even 2 years in.
almost all the people who came in with boyfriends/girlfriends are broken up now. i'd say <20% are still together
i still have mine, despite the bicostal commute. sometimes it makes me scared. i wonder if break up is infectious.

But why do couples break up? It happens all the time. Don't think its because of med school just because you think there's a correlation. Better yet, don't compare your relationship to others'. I had a coworker whose ex-girlfriend was in med school. Suddenly, one day at work, I notice his ring is missing (don't ask, I always notice these things). Then he gets together with my other coworker like a month later. Apparently coworker 1 and his ex gf have been having problems for a while so that's why they broke up, but that's what he says so idk. Maybe he got lonely? Maybe he thought he found someone better? s#!t like that happens all the time, med school or no. Don't fret, OP.

 

[mauberley]

i still have mine, despite the bicostal commute.

Seems like a short commute to me!