The OP has not disappeared. She is not being seen on milk cartons across the world. She has been at work and cannot be on the internet all day long.
It has been so interesting and thought provoking reading all of your posts. Sometimes, I will admit, it has been funny. Particularly when someone said that I compared myself to Kay Redfield-Jamison and that meant I had a "grandiose" view of myself. Let's not get carried away, people. Remember-- I'm the borderline, I'm supposed to be extreme! lol. All I was trying to state was that it is possible for people to have very serious illnesses and still suceed-- that it is possible to compartmentalize yourself as such.
What I find most amusing about having a mental illness is that everything that one begins to do, becomes a symptom. Mention an amazing person-- suddently you're engaging in grandiose thinking! Talk about a connecting moment with a patient who has BPD-- uh oh! A shared moment of idealistic thinking! And while I do appreciate the concerning post of one member; no, this thread is not going to send me into a deep, dark hole of self-loathing and self-injury. I did not come here for empathy, I did not come here to be taken care of. I am a professional like all of you. I mentioned "personal attacks" because I was, at time, honestly shocked at the way some of the replies came across. I was also shocked at how so many people opened up to share the insight that they, themselves, have gained by reading this thread. And most of all, I was really satisfied to see how all of you keep one thing in mind-- the well-being of the individuals we serve.
Reading over the thread, I felt like I should clarify something. This is in regards to my functioning as a therapist (to do no harm to my patients) and my (almost) hospitalization. Last month was the first time in my entire life in which I was no longer able to compartmentalize my illness from my work. Because of this, I became immediately concerned of the dangerous impact this could have. As such, I decided to take a leave of absence from my work to get myself together again. I was taking care of myself and the clients that I was serving (I was at a different job than I am at now). I do not feel like disclosing my exact reasons for seeking out hospitalization, but I can say I completely understand why that would be alarming for those reading this thread-- in that I sought hospitalization in the same month that I started a new job as a therapist.
I keep close watch over myself. So does my therapist. So does my psychiatrist. I have had an amazing two weeks at my new job. I went in there today after having a not-so-hot night last night. I processed this on my way into work and thought about the many things I read on this thread in the past couple of days-- mostly, my capacity to serve my patients through difficult times. It's so funny and hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, but as soon as I was with that first patient, I was right there, in the moment, experiencing the authentic connection that I love about giving (and receiving!) therapy. I know that at this time in my life, I am well enough to be where I have to be and do what I have to do. And a little over a month ago, I knew it was time to stop and take care of myself, as I described above. I know myself better than anyone and I know when work becomes the most grounding, beneficial thing that life can offer me. I love doing what I do. I am scared to death of doctoral school-- I will admit that! There is no room for error in regards to my illness screwing me over, and it is a risk that I chose for myself. You are all correct in that there is a difference between having an active illness and having an illness that has stabilizing and allows one to do the best work possible-- somehow, I have found a balance between the two. That is just the way my crazy life works. The theme of my doctoral essay was about taking risks. I have taken a million of them to get to where I am today.
The best (and most hopeful) thing about BPD is that for every negative trait, there is its positive opposite. Healing in BPD comes not through a cure, but through being able to turn those negative traits into their positive opposite. Negative impulsivity can evolve into a positive risk taker. Even self-harm, which in its most raw sense, is a dangerous and negative form of self expression, can evolve into more beautiful forms of creativity such as poetry, art, and music. The childlike quality of an individual with BPD can evolve into an adult who never loses the wonder and charm of those things that others take for granted. Similarly for depression-- it is interesting that two of the standout features-- guilt and apathy-- are polar opposites. To feel that guilty, as one does during a depression, is to care. I pointed this out to one of my patients, who was worried that he "shouldn't" be feeling guilty about a family situation. We talked about how the feeling of such guilt can translate to the deep care. Anyway, forgive me for going of on a tangent, but I have spent a lot of time examining how negative traits that are part of my personality (lifelong!) can evolve into things that are unique and positive.
As far as "the brilliance of the borderline" (Thank you DrWannaBeMe), you can refer to that as "the brilliance of me" lol. Although you decided to jump to a symptom (I magically made the members on the board split), you are right in one aspect-- I did get what I wanted-- I wanted people to think, debate, and consider something that was obviously never brought up (at least not like this!) on this board before-- something that exists and something that should be examined. In doing so, there were times when I felt attacked, supported, grateful, thoughtful, injected with insight, in agreement, in disagreement, and everythign in between.
Let's see.. what else... ah! As far as internet disclosure, I am really not worried. I am a published poet and my name appears over and over on the internet in respect to the various online journals that have posted my poetry, as well as the advertisements and reviews for readings that I do around the city. These poems, most of them surreal in style, but some confessionalist and direct, are an obvious example of some of the things I deal with. I am also currently working on a memoir.
Lastly, an illness is part of an identity, but not a WHOLE identity. I struggled for many years trying to figure out the "sick" part separate from the "well" part. I found out that both parts are integrated into one personality. If I could could go on some crappy makeover reality show and makeover my psyche, I wouldn't. If I could erase any aspect of myself, I wouldn't. I believe that what I have gone through (and continue to go through) allows me to be a clinician so unique from any other.
I thank you for treating me like a professional and not a patient.
